Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Hex]

Actually, I loved your entry this month, HB. It was right at the top of my list and I thought it was brilliant -- funny and clever, and what a lot of story in 75 words.

The only thing that make me twitch a little was the environmental message -- I struggle a bit with noble savages and so on.

(I know who Colonel Fawcett was but actually it didn't occur to me when I read your story -- I just read it as a colonial adventurer).

EDIT: now I've seen your explanation, I didn't totally understand the story. I thought the burnt earth was what would happen if no one ever died -- all the resources being used up and wars over those remaining.

Also, I missed the environment/ end of earth link. Silly me

 

[HareBrain]

Thanks Hex. Perhaps our entries can be buried together, and TJ and Chrispy can tend their graves.

(I'd like to see an explanation of yours, which I liked but couldn't quite get at the end.)

 

[Hex]

Sigh. It was a bit incomprehensible. Last minute editings, possibly.

The idea was that Lucy ended up falling in love with Erdwenorg, and never went back for the over-mothered prince.


QUEST TO THE EAST, QUEST TO THE WEST

Unable to detect a pea beneath fourteen mattresses, Lucy fetched a golden apple from the Sun God's orchard and knelt at Lysander's feet. "Marry me, my prince."

The Queen demanded more.

Lucy brought the firebird singing from Baba Yaga's chicken-footed hut. "Marry me."

"She is no true princess."

The third quest -- fetching Erdwenorg the Sea Monster's heart -- ended early, for he was wise and sarcastic, and when he hatched, had eaten his mother.

 

[The Judge]

Sorry to disappoint your faith in me and show my ignorance, HB, but I didn't know who Col F was when I shortlisted it -- I thought it was simply a generic explorer name, ie someone who had gone to the ends of the Earth for the sake of finding something, even if it wasn't the fountain of life.

I loved the set up of the first three lines, with the rather bathetic question at the end, and the irony of "The civilised". I wasn't sure who the god was who hated the earth, but the burnt world, showing the West had utterly destroyed the rain forest searching for immortality, and the god laughing because his plan was a success, for me was a great line.

I can't explain why it didn't do better, though. Perhaps people were disappointed it had no pants in it?


PS Just read your explanation. I didn't twig Col F was mad because he'd drunk from the fountain, but I got the rest of it!


EDIT: I had the same problem as HB, Hex -- I loved the set up, but I got confused by the last line which is why it got dropped to equal second place with his. I thought the quest for Erd's heart ended early because he didn't have one, as shown by his sarcasm and eating his mother. I see now you've explained it, that Lucy preferred him as she didn't have to contend with a mother-in-law!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sigh, you can add me to the list of hard to find the links, I think. (the rainbow was supposed to reach to the ends of the Earth, I just kind of forgot to mention that.) Plus, Victoria had already written something that I wasn't going to top...

Hex, I struggled with the end of yours and had to have a couple of reads to get what happened. HB, I got none of that. Or very little.

 

[HareBrain]

Oh, what a shame I didn't get that, Hex.

I think "ended early" might be too vague and have too many possible other meanings for the right one to come across.

I also thought the unusual name Lysander (Shakespeare character and Spartan leader) might be more significant than I now suspect it was, and that possibly threw me onto the wrong track.

 

[Venusian Broon]

The two people who short-listed it strike me as being more likely to have heard of Colonel Fawcett than average, but did the story hinge too much on recognising who he was?

I did get it immediately HB - but I really liked the Raiders of the Lost Past series (very Fortean, right up my street) that has been on the Yesterday channel. And hence only knew about the story of the city of Z because of the Fawcett episode. So if I'd seen your story last year, it would have been more mysterious. (But I think I could have guessed it - so no I don't think the story hinged on it.)

I got a little confused at who was supposed to be laughing at the end - Fawcett or the god. On re-reading it and re-reading it I now assume it must be the god, but madmen laugh at terrible things too.

 

[Hex]

Yes -- the whole story was so obvious in my head I didn't think to check that it made sense to anyone else. I was anxiously making sure the 'ends of the earth' theme came over.

Nothing I write ever has hidden depths so Lysander was just a princey-sounding name I took from a conversation I'd had with Mouse about names ending -ander and how pretty they sound.

 

[mosaix]

I made a terrible error with my entry this month. I copied and pasted it but the formatting was a mess so I retyped it and made two mistakes. First I typed 'World' instead of 'Earth'. Unforgivably I did this twice. I also missed out the word (again!) in the last sentence that I had specifically included to catch the plural element of 'ends' in the challenge.

I did ask for my entry to be removed as, after such a silly mistake, I didn't want to take votes that should have rightly gone elsewhere, but I was turned down. But thanks anyway to DEO and Moonbat for the votes.

Entry as it should have been:

The Restaurant at The Ends Of The Earth (With apologies to Douglas Adams)


The Restaurant At The Ends Of The Earth

Menu

Starters

Primordial Soup

Green Salad

Fish

From The Grill - Dino Steak

Wings


Main Course

Chef's Special - Ribs, Serpents, Apples

Processed Meat

Mushroom Cloud

Industrial Strength Coffee

Seagull In Oil

Goose - Cooked


To Follow

Can of Worms

Hot and Sour

Water - Lots of It - No Ice

Baked Alaska

Bitter Almonds

Humble Pie


Customer Notice - Imminent Closure Due To Foreseeable Circumstances. Re-Opening Again (Again!) Soon Under New Management.

 

[Parson]

In the Lost City of Z


They said, You are the last people living in balance with nature.

They said, You must teach us.

They said, How do you know English?

We showed them Colonel Fawcett, a madman two centuries old.

The civilised forgot they came for teaching.

Our warnings ignored, they tore apart the jungle to find the fountain of not-dying, the curse planted by the god who hated the earth.

In the burnt world, we hear his laughter.

Too subtle for the lame brain to catch on to. Now that you explained it I like it. I had no idea who Colonel Fawcett was. And I was really confused by the ending. A curse in a fountain of eternal life???? That by a God who hates the earth???? In a burnt world --- I thought Hell and so was trying to figure out what the Devil was doing here.

And then I had no idea where the theme came in, but after your explanation I thought, oh, they were exploring what they thought were the ends of the earth.

Sorry

Hex wrote: The idea was that Lucy ended up falling in love with Erdwenorg, and never went back for the over-mothered prince.

That flew entirely over my head. It seemed like a story without an ending.

Mosaix -- I liked yours but did not see an "ends of the earth" but rather an "end of the world" tale.

 

[Starbeast]

Sigh. It was a bit incomprehensible. Last minute editings, possibly.

Just a little bit at the end, but I looked beyond that and figured it out.

Sigh, you can add me to the list of hard to find the links, I think. (the rainbow was supposed to reach to the ends of the Earth, I just kind of forgot to mention that.)

I understood that you were referring to rainbows. I know it's not easy to squeeze 75 words into a story.

I made a terrible error with my entry this month. I copied and pasted it but the formatting was a mess so I retyped it and made two mistakes. First I typed 'World' instead of 'Earth'. Unforgivably I did this twice. I also missed out the word (again!) in the last sentence that I had specifically included to catch the plural element of 'ends' in the challenge.

Your tiny mistakes didn't effect the quality of the story. I still enjoyed it. BTW, there were a good deal of stories that were about "the world's end", rather than the "world's ends". So don't feel alone.

My entry this month was probably my lowest-performing one ever, though I personally liked it better than some of my others. The two people who short-listed it strike me as being more likely to have heard of Colonel Fawcett than average, but did the story hinge too much on recognising who he was? Or is the whole thing too confusing, or boring? What might have made it less so?

Even though I did not know who Colonel Fawcett was, I did like your tale. But sadly, it was one that I painfully shaved off to shorten my "long" list.

Speaking of people who most don't know, my character (Colonel Wilhelm) in my tale, was based off two real German explorers named Wilhelm (Kaiser & Filchner).

The story title I chose, "Deutsche Antarktische Expedition 1940" was inspired by the real logo of the same name (also written in German of course), from 1938-1939.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

HB, I understood nearly all of yours, and I liked it -- I only got lost on the last line. I suppose I was subliminally aware of Col. Fawcett, though I think I just thought of him as a generic explorer. I just didn't get the last line.

Hex, the same with yours, I think -- that last line threw me. I didn't get your intent at all from that, I'm afraid -- I didn't see her ending up with the monster, and missed seeing what eating his mother had to do with it. Obviously, in retrospect, there would be no picky potential mother-in-law.

Springs, I had no trouble understanding yours, and it was on my shortlist.

Mosaix, I think your change improves it, but the original was on my shortlist anyway.

 

[Abernovo]

HB, I'm afraid yours went over my head a little. I didn't know the Colonel Fawcett character, but I'm got a Professor Challenger/Doc Savage vibe, so it perhaps didn't matter too much. I perhaps misread the last line and thought it was a bit apocalyptic, which took away the theme a little for me. I should have cottoned on to 'burnt world' reference. Obviously that was me being dim. Sorry.

It's obviously my month for being confused, as the last line of Hex's entry stymied me, as well. I wasn't sure whose mother had been eaten. I loved it, especially the references, right up to the point where I felt thick. Again...sorry

Misunderstandings are my responsibility, I suspect.

springs, I got the rainbows to the ends of the Earth.

mosaix, I loved your entry and it was a contender for me. In fact, it was the one I ended up weighing against Aun's for my vote*. Even though you had the End of the Earth, you also had the Beginning of the Earth, so you had the two ends of Earth's timeline, which I thought gave you a novel take on the theme.

*I was going to put a 'short' list and HMs in, but my connection dumped me out before I could post it up.

 

[HareBrain]

Thanks for your comments everyone. I'm happy that it didn't turn out to be quite such a dud as I'd feared, and it's given me a few things to watch out for in future.

 

[Kylara]

It seems being busy and not entering for a couple of months has been very detrimental to my 75 word story skills...I only got 3 listings this month and I think quite a lot of the story got lost in cutting down, then again, people may just not have liked it anyway, all comments on it welcome.

The Outside


“EFFECTIVE CAMOUFLAGE NECESSARY. INEFFECTIVE CAMOUFLAGE”

The entry sign for the outside world flashes at me constantly, denying me access.

“Effective camouflage.” I mutter as I sulk away “Who needs anything other than brown and black?”.

I try every day and every day I fail.

I take a black market potion – skin sheds – new skin.

I try once more; I am different now – effective. I stand and it does not flash, then:

“EFFECTIVE CAMOUFLAGE. ENTRY ENABLED”

 

[ed9428]

Nice little story but I don't feel it meets the social sci fi criteria.

Saying that this story has me intrigued as to what happens next.

 

[mosaix]

You may be right that something got lost in the cutting down, Kylara. I found it interesting, but to be honest I just didn't understand it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The punctuation did for me, Kylara, sorry.

"Effective camouflage," I mutter as I sulk away. "Who...

I know it's picky, but it's so hard to choose that it's usually my first whittling down. I didn't entirely understand it, either, but even if I had, the punc. Would have ruled it out for me.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Yes, there was the punctuation, but for me it started with just not understanding it. I could see it as a scene, but I couldn't visualize a whole story in it. I'm sure it just lost something in the whittling -- it happens to us all.

 

[Parson]

Kylara, For me it wasn't a story, and I couldn't see how it was social SFF. I would agree that there was something lost in translation. It was an intriguing bit. I wondered what's behind all this. It would have gotten me to read more of the story.

But.... there are a good many of us (myself included!) who are happy with 2 mentions or so a month.