Hi
holland, Add me to the group who immediately got your reference!
Just a teensy point, so teensy that the only possible reason for me raising it would be to show off my knowledge: you'd use sables for watercolour, bristles for oil. (Or I would. It might be that I was just a cheapskate and didn't want to fill expensive delicate brushes with gunk.)
Like the others, I had no idea what it was referencing, and without that, there just wasn't anything for me to hold onto. (Sometimes a missing reference doesn't destroy a story, but in this case I think it relied on it.)
shhhhh!!!! You'll make
sevenstars unvote me
hehe... Thanks
Harebrain, that kind of inside info is invaluable. This writing malarkey is a nightmare, eh?
Hi, Phyre, yes I think Brueghal's would have told me it was a specific painter, although I wouldn't have known any of his pictures without googling (which I rarely do, i sort of feel the story has to stand up itself.)
Also, I believe HB is right with the paintbrushes-- when I worked in stationery we used to see sables/bristles as he describes.
Yup, you're right - it should be more explicit. I did consider calling it Breugel's Muse but I thought that was making it a bit obvious. (When filing the story from my desktop to the writing folder, I noticed I'd called my Nov 2012 entry
Harrington's Muse. What a one-trick pony I am
)
Actually, I kind of got the Breughel reference -- it read like a Breughel and made me itchy and uncomfortable with its vision. Yick.
I loved the writing -- especially the slashes on a ham, which was a totally gripping image and made me really sit up and take notice (I was sitting up already, but I sat up further).
I didn't totally understand the story -- not in a "oh!" kind of way which is often what I look for in a 75 worder. So: clever, brilliant, not quite what I was looking for.
Thanks Hex. I think that's a crucial element needed in these challenges; that resolve/reveal that comes in the last line. I think you and
TJ are particularly good at this and
Teresa's 'Somewhere, far off, a clock began to chime' is a great ending, too.
Holland, yes -- It was definitely clear, and a good story. I believe it was in the longer shortlist before I had to do some more chopping.
Phyrebrat, I didn't get the specific Pieter, and I *think* Breughel would have gotten there for me -- I do remember his work from art history classes, though not this particular painting without going to look it up. It may be that it's one I really liked, even, but names escape me for the most part. I liked slashes on a ham -- a clear image in my mind, and clever -- more clever when you explain the reference, even! I think I got the general idea of the story, but without the specific references it just slipped past.
Thanks, TDZ. We must've had a parallel education in Breugel, because before I wrote the story, my sense of him as a painter was just the
kind of images he created.
@Phyrebrat
I didn't get the reference, but honestly, I've only heard of Bruegel, and had no idea what his first name was and I couldn't name any of his paintings even if my life depended on it.
heheh, see above comment
Phy I got that you were alluding to something that was probably real (I didnt look it up but assumed I could have googled the titel of the painting given in the last line if I wanted to) the part that didnt work for me was that the POV characters voice didnt match up with the narrative voice. "What shall I call this one?" is what killed it for me. What reaction did the painter have to what he'd been inspired to paint?
Like some mother who cant be bothered to appreciate the beauty of birth when she's done it 11 times already turning to an equally detached father wondering what sound to append to their latest brood member.
I did love slashed ham as an image. I wouldnt have liked it as well if I'd actually googled the painting, as the strokes in it dont look anything like the ham slashes I've seen. But the painting that it evoked in my mind was quite poinient. A stark surrealists number full of pain and disrepair.
Thanks
Hope, seems the ham is a polarising element to my story
. The painter asks Death what to call the painting because it is His experiences that are being painted. I wanted to imply that all Breugel's paintings were channeled from Death, hence his question. It also infers (I hope) Breugel's lack of control in the process. I totally get your point however.
I'm glad I put this up for comment, thank you everyone. It's really helpful to find if your story didn't work because of syntax, story, grammar, etc, and it's made me optimistically anxious to see how I can implement these comments in future challenges.
pH
