Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Jo Zebedee]

Chrispy, I didn't know enough about what you were referencing. Kylara, for me it didn't feel like a complete story - the last line, as others have said, may have been what led to this. Parson, I liked it but the dialogue punctuation ruled it out for me (," observed....) and that, maybe, there were words in it that were superfluous and it could have been tightened to give you more words eg and then she wheezed - the she wasn't needed, imho.

Um, this was mine. I think I went wrong in not making it clear enough what was happening and wondered if anyone got it (apart from Joan's unerring taste, of course):


THE LAST TRUTH

The aliens said we needn't worry about cancer. They promised not to strip humanity's resources. They told the truth: we've no time for cancer to take us, or the resources to be farmed - an alien has to eat, after all.

Our pastors caught them in a lie; I have lost my faith in the face of death ahead. I wish the aliens were right, for I need you with me, Lord. Can't you please stay?

 

[Parson]

I liked mine well enough too Parson, but then again, I usually do.

Yours had a nice pace until the last two lines when it feels like your running out of word count Parson buddy. Your introduction is about 1/3 of your post, but f you'd reversed the post after Marlene pegs it I suspect you could have cut down the word count. I would have preferred humanity gasping away and then the proud alien with the explanation. Anyway I read it and thought I would have put the start at the end. I felt you showed too much too soon. It was a great idea so I can see why your wondering what happened to the votes. Next month, there's always next month....

Hm, interesting thought. I struggled over this story. There was a time I did not think I would enter. I had an idea but no story. Putting the action first and explanation second would likely have strengthened my story. (This is why I don't claim to be much of a writer.)

Thanks for the feedback.

I was torn between voting for you and Perp Parson, but my internet decided I wasn't going to vote at all!

I liked it very much, the typical and funny "it's nothing serious" -> dead was wonderful.

Thanks for the input guys, I was going for a Dune x some ancient sci-fi I read with beetle people, but I think the word choice may have not put that across...I thought the planet designation as the title may have helped with that but nevermind, we live and learn!

Thanks Kylara. I appreciate the kind words. I've looked again at the title to your piece. I read it at first as just a astronomical nomenclature, but now I wonder if you were trying "text speak" to say something. If so, it flew by me a couple of times now.

I think if you had made it clear that the beetles were people your story would have been much stronger.

Thanks for the feedback.

The issue with this idea is rate of spread. It's like a too-deadly virus; if people haven't got time to spread it themselves before keeling over, you are relying on it being windborne or something. It would spread really slowly and humanity would definitely notice.

Ah, a scientific objection. I actually had thought of the rate of spread question. But with only 75 words you can't say everything. I was hinting at it with Von Neumann machines. I was indicating there that they were self powered, and self replicating so that their expansion would be geometric. The other thing that was that I saw Marlene and Jose as something other than the first infected, my thought was that they were at the beginning of the cascade effect. --- Now my explanation is longer than the story. (Sigh!)

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Hex]

THE LAST TRUTH

The aliens said we needn't worry about cancer. They promised not to strip humanity's resources. They told the truth: we've no time for cancer to take us, or the resources to be farmed - an alien has to eat, after all.

Our pastors caught them in a lie; I have lost my faith in the face of death ahead. I wish the aliens were right, for I need you with me, Lord. Can't you please stay?

So, the first paragraph rocked (that's a technical term, you know) and was shocking and fabulous. With the second, though, I lost track. I wasn't completely sure what was happening and I didn't totally get how it related to the first para.

I get the feeling maybe you packed so much in that my teensy brain got confused.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Springs, that's exactly how it was for me, too. I kind of wondered if something in the middle had been removed, that would have explained the relationship between the two.

Kylara, I did get the title (clever), but it worked in two directions -- "Planet" helped to make it an alien, otherworldly story, but "L4wn" sort of brought it back to the mundane. And I think the last line kind of took the wind out of things.

Parson, yours was an interesting idea, and I think you could have squeezed a lot more into it with some judicious word-pruning. The "ands" and "thens" and repeated bits could be sliced out to make more room for the story. And perhaps, as someone said, put it the other way around.

Chrispy, I thought yours was more descriptive of covers and less of a story, and while your poetry is always clever, I wasn't completely taken with some of the rhythm this time. It was definitely accurate, though.

Did anyone else get the feeling, from this Challenge, that the collective opinion of Classic SF is rather low?

 

[hopewrites]

Spring, I like it well enough, but feel I must guess at what is so well known to the MC (for word count purposes I'm sure). I assumed at first that the aliens had replaced (or mind controlled) all the politicians on earth (believably sci-fi, and oh so classic!)

That it was the religious leaders who caught them out, and the lament that God was no-longer there for the MC made me switch though patterns, thinking you were referencing all the ideas out there that aliens formed the major religions of earth and by revealing themselves in this new age where faith is generally placed in science... that tied in their lies, the only thing I couldnt immediately peg was what they were eating. My first thought was humanity, and while it's probably right, the prayer makes me wonder if I've really got it, and if they are eating something else instead. Like faith, or gods, or religious relics or the communication lines between humanity and the divine.

But maybe I'm looking too deep...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Yep, that's what I thought, thank you all. It was supposed to be that the aliens had made three promises they'd broken, including that'd he'd keep his faith, and then it turned out he believed they'd lied on that, too, and then it was actually a prayer and he'd kept his faith without knowing. Perhaps a tad ambitious in 75 words.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Say what?

Yes, quite ambitious. I think you should probably make it a trilogy, with a book for each promise.

 

[hopewrites]

I think you should probably make it a trilogy, with a book for each promise.

I agree, it would make a fun SciFi trilogy. If you told parts of it from the alien perspective that would be even more fun.

 

[The Storyteller]

Ok, comments first!


Kylara, I assumed that we were talking real worms and beetles and telling a mundane event in a sci fi light, which I actually thought was really cool (though possibly not as fitting with the theme, though I hadn't really thought of that till now). I didn't actually find anything I disliked about it, only that other stories made more of an impression. I can't really think of any suggestions to improve it, because it was very good IMO, but I suppose others comments about it fitting with theme make sense.

Parson, I liked the idea, but the execution didn't really grab me for this one. It was still very good, but with so many excellent stories on the list it got bumped down a bit. I agree with some comments, maybe too much telling at the beginning...?


Springs, I'll admit, I was a little lost on what was going on and what the connection between paragraphs was. I wanted to love the story because it was written beautifully, but I had to admit I didn't really understand what was going on, so that made it less impactful. And yes, your ideas for it did sound a little ambitious for a 75 worder! Guess I'm not the only one who gets ideas a thousand times too big for the word count...

And lastly, my own story. This was my first 75 word challenge and I'm not to savvy about classic sci fi, so I wasn't really expecting any votes this time 'round. In the end, I was actually a lot more impressed with what I wrote than I expected to be on a first try. I did get a few mentions (which made my day!) so I'm satisfied, but of course I'd love to hear people's feedback all the same! So here is mine:

Invasion of the Mind

Submit... Serve the Masters...

The compelling, crippling whispers forced their way into my mind.

Serve us…

“Fight it Ari!” Diane cried as I stiffened, face contorted and conflicted. We had seen it happen to so many, and it always ended the same; mindless servitude.

I fought desperately, but the presence only penetrated deeper.

“Fight it!!”

Suddenly I felt a strange emptiness.

I observed Diane blankly. Voice hollow, I replied: “I must serve the Masters.”

 

[Parson]

Parson, yours was an interesting idea, and I think you could have squeezed a lot more into it with some judicious word-pruning. The "ands" and "thens" and repeated bits could be sliced out to make more room for the story. And perhaps, as someone said, put it the other way around.

Did anyone else get the feeling, from this Challenge, that the collective opinion of Classic SF is rather low?

I suppose this shows how I messed up on the story. I usually have to word prune with the best of them, but in this case I never really had word problems. (Obviously I had to leave a lot to the reader to decrypt, but that's endemic in our 75 word stories.) I've thought more about the flip around, and I am now totally convinced that I should have done that. It never occurred to me, but now it's so obvious it's painful.

I would agree that the collective opinion of this forum on Classic SF is low. There are a few of us who really love the genre, but for the most part it seems to me that fantasy, especially dark fantasy is the genre of choice.

Yep, that's what I thought, thank you all. It was supposed to be that the aliens had made three promises they'd broken, including that'd he'd keep his faith, and then it turned out he believed they'd lied on that, too, and then it was actually a prayer and he'd kept his faith without knowing. Perhaps a tad ambitious in 75 words.

Good grief! All of that stuff just flew over this poor Parson's head.

StoryTeller:

Thanks for the feedback. We have all come to the idea that the story needed to flipped and needed more explanation. I suppose that should tell me that anytime I'm not pressed for words I haven't really looked closely enough at what I am saying.

This was a story I understood. An invasion of the mind by an alien force. What I missed from yours was a sense of what next? Some alien force has turned Ari into a zombi robot, but why? I was sure she was going to lose the struggle from the first line. (Not sure what made me so sure, but I was.) I always believe that a good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Your story seemed to lack an ending for me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I sup




Good grief! All of that stuff just flew over this poor Parson's head.

I knew had a problem with it when you commented on the thread and hadn't picked up the meaning. I thought, well if Parson doesn't know it's a prayer, I'm in trouble. (That'll teach this ol' heathen for getting too clever. )

And Dusty! Wash you mouth out. Never, ever suggest I write another trilogy. I'm still getting over the last time I had that great idea.

Storyteller, I liked it right up to the last line and then I sort of when Oh.... I think I wanted him to resist, or there to be more of a twist.

 

[Bowler1]

Parson, you're a writer to me.

Kylara honey, the lack of Internet is no excuse for not voting. I'll give you a running start and a ten count, now off you go. One... Two... Zzzzaaaappppp.... Sorry, did I say ten? It's ok, we can do it again if you like?

I like classic SciFi, or any SciFi for that matter. The Foundation series is a great example. A bit 70s wordy, but a great yarn when you get passed the writing style. I think all writing should be viewed in context, and great writing does of course remain timeless.

 

[StilLearning]

Invasion of the Mind

Submit... Serve the Masters...

The compelling, crippling whispers forced their way into my mind.

Serve us…

“Fight it Ari!” Diane cried as I stiffened, face contorted and conflicted. We had seen it happen to so many, and it always ended the same; mindless servitude.

I fought desperately, but the presence only penetrated deeper.

“Fight it!!”

Suddenly I felt a strange emptiness.

I observed Diane blankly. Voice hollow, I replied: “I must serve the Masters.”

I quite like this, but what jars a little for me is the last line where Ari has lost the battle for his mind: The story is still first person, and so it feels like it is still Ari doing the 'narration' but if he has lost the battle and is no longer Ari shouldn't there be some change in his perspective to indicate that?

Mine:
Nathan, the lead archaeologist, is shaking: “It’s incredible professor! An automatic rifle, dating from 500 BC!”

‘Professor Paebodie’ shrugs, and draws a maser pistol. One invisible shot silently cooks Nathan’s uncomprehending brain in its skull.

The vast, inhuman, mind controlling Paebodie considers Nathans news as he cools: So, the first expedition did successfully possess human leaders, built superior weapons... they still failed. On to plan B.

But first… dialling the maser to maximum... the other archaeologists…

 

[Mr Orange]

Parson: i think the others are right in that this should have been switched around. also, i found it a bit forced at times. and something that jarred with me (but it seems maybe only me) was the use of the word "wheezing" and its variants... it just didn't seem natural

springs: this was the first of all your entries in both challenges that i really didn't understand. so yes i think a tad ambitious

the storyteller: like springs and parson i was in the story until the ending when it left me feeling flat. i think it needed something else at the end

Stilllearning: I didn't really get into your story as it seemed rather obvious as soon as Paebodie drew his pistol. Sorry, but there was nothing that grabbed me

 

[Parson]

StilLearning: I'm sorry that I can't be more specific, but this just didn't seem like a story. What were they supposed to be looking for. How does finding the rifle natually affect professor Paebody. (By the way, clever name that. Especially when dealing with "time" travel.)

____ And thanks for the thoughts on my story. I rather liked the "wheezing" idea. It put me in mind of someone who just can't get his breath. I'm not sure what you mean by "forced." I could understand jerky, moving the scene 3 times in 75 words is rather abrupt.

 

[hopewrites]

I'm sorry I dont have anything to add to the above stories that hasn't already been said.

I wrote two this month and in addition to wanting to know if I made the best choice in the one I posted, I would like to know what I could have done to expand them a tad. For the second month running I've been quite short of my word count, for not knowing what words to add that would really count.
(and anything else you would like to add as well is welcome, of course)

Written First:
Earth is in a Pickle
The fridge door shuddered open.
By its eerie light a figure rummaged.
"Shouldn't be here," Mustard muttered.
"Shh, it'll hear," Soy sauced back.
The pickle jar was found, seized; and before the creature departed back to its saucer, it drained every last drop.

"What took so long?" the copilot inquired.
"All they had was dill..."
"Ew! Guess we wont be stopping at this planet again."

Written Second (And posted):
The Way to an Earthling's Heart...
We were enslaved rather quickly, once it was clear we were no match for their death-rays and brain-suckers, that is.
We were rounded up and carted back to their home world; to be sold a slaves, or kept in menageries, or experimented on in labs.
But the food here is fabulous! I tell ya, good food can make anything bearable.

 

[Mr Orange]

____ And thanks for the thoughts on my story. I rather liked the "wheezing" idea. It put me in mind of someone who just can't get his breath. I'm not sure what you mean by "forced." I could understand jerky, moving the scene 3 times in 75 words is rather abrupt.

Parson, it seemed to me like you wanted to get the word "wheeze" into your story as much as possible, which i think is what i meant when i said forced (i can't actually exactly remember now). in particular, "Jose, you're really wheezing." seemed unnatural

just my two cents

 

[Parson]

Hope, In my opinion you made the best choice. Neither story made a great deal of sense to me. The first one is just plain quirky, but that might well appeal to some people. Also I couldn't understand if the aliens in the fridge were actually mustard and soy or if that was simply their name. And what were they doing there in the first place? etc.

The second story needed something about why it was such a wonder that the food was "good here." If you were going for the idea that a well fed slavery is better than freedom with starvation, that idea didn't come through as well as it might have. But it would have been an interesting point to contemplate.

 

[hopewrites]

Well I'm glad I made the right choice. The first was a throw back to my previous challenge entries with talking food. Mustard and Soy live in the fridge (and are indeed mustard and soy sauce) and were being invaded. The sleeping occupant of the house (implied me based on previous stories involving the same characters) would never know that her abhorrence for pickles in general, and only having one sorry jar of dill lost at the back, saved earth from alien invaders. I could feel it needed much more work to bring a more SciFi feel to it, just didnt know what.

The second was more supposed to be a social commentary on how 1st world countries treat exotic animals. "Slaves" being substituted for "pets" and an inferrance made about their opinion of our food inspired by too many documentaries about how much sugar goes into American food, a really REALLY good meal at the end of a long hard day, and the fact that the cat who has recently decided I'm her dear friend, loves to eat bites of cookie and doughnut and icecream or whatever it is I'm having. I think she felt I was being rather stingy with my cinnamon roll the other day, but I'm sure that an excess of sweets is as bad for her as it is for us.

 

[Parson]

Hope, for me the social commentary was too hidden. I did not get any of that from the story.