Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

The Big Peat said:
Ah. New Weird's meant to be genre-bash?

And obviously I can't rely on the reader to go "Hmm, why did he do that, I'll look it up." :)
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Well, now, it's entirely possible that I don't have it right at all, but what I gathered when I looked it up was that it was a meshing of genres -- urban fantasy being one and probably the most popular, but mixing among fantasy, horror, SF, etc. Ok, come to think of it, yours was probably urban fantasy rather than horror.

Can't we just get our nice, simple Tudorpunk back again? Sheesh! :D
 
Tudorpunk sounds fairly explanatory to me and quite cool too. Rogue alchemists team up with spy-cum-playwrights to charm their way into Hampton Court and steal away the iron signet ring of Henry VIII that gives him power over the common fairies of England...
 
Hi Parson! Here are some thoughts (a lot of thoughts, actually - hope you don't mind): first I liked this...but it took me several read-throughs before I figured out what was happening...what the story was (this may be a failing on my part as a reader; but I was confused after first finishing your story). I think there are several reasons for this. First, to me eye, your story is missing a few commas...that big block of text all sort of flowed together, and my first re-reading was to sort out the rhythm of the sentences. Here is where I personally would have added commas:

From 5 light hours out, Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship Newhope.

To stay unobserved as he disabled their ship, he would fire from 5 downtime locations, starting at 5 light minutes out.


At location three, Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

(Also, a missing period here, I think:
Captain Marie smiled)

I was confused at first by the name Widowmaker. On first reading I thought perhaps it was a type of space missile...on another reading, I realized it was the name of the pirate’s ship. I think ship names are supposed to be presented in italics (anyone?:))...if this is true, had you italicized the names ‘Newhope’ and ‘Widowmaker’, there would have been an instant clarification in the story that didn’t cost you a single extra word (a valuable bonus when you have only 75 words to use).

I wonder if you might have benefited by taking the last sentence of that first paragraph, and making it a separate paragraph? Honestly, the way this big paragraph all flowed together, both the drama and the import of this sentence were lost on me till I took the time to re-read the story (and when you have only 75 words to snare a reader - and perhaps only one read-through from that reader [I’d guess not everyone has the time to analyze the entries in detail when they go to vote] - you really must have a certain degree of clarity in the presentation of your tale):

At location three, Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

If you made that a separate paragraph, suddenly we know that this is a statement of import, and to me, it adds real drama to the situation.

Finally, I wasn’t sure how Casper could be an FTL warning system, but accepted that this was the weird part of the story. :)

(I also agree with Cathbad about the missing middle, but there's only so much you can do in such a short story.)

I did like this, Parson, but it just wasn’t clear enough to me on first reading, and there is such heavy competition these days for votes, and listings. I hope this is of some help (and, again, hope you don't mind the long response to your post), CC
 
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Thanks for your comments. I hadn't really thought about not enough "middle" but I think I see what you mean. I am, however, flummoxed as to how to accomplish that with 75 words in that story. I worked for quite a long time to write the FTL battle tactics in a way that would make sense. I suppose I spent too much of my precious word count on that. Probably means that I should have written another story. I always think my stories are as plain as the nose on your face, with almost no subtlety. --- I know that often about half of the stories in the contest completely pass me by, at least in part because I do not have the Fantasy chops to pick up on the internal clues.

I looked up the form on italicizing ships names, and indeed they are to be italicized. This was news to me. As to commas, I fight a battle with them. I was told more than once that I used too many commas and so in my 75's I try to keep them to a minimum. Maybe I need to re-think that? Finally, I thought the FTL ghost was a rather clever idea which might make some people stop and go: "Hm."
 
I think something as simple as breaking it into smaller paragraphs would have helped. Presenting it as beginning, middle and end (regardless of whether these things happen) will make people think in that way. As it is, it looks like giant beginning and punch line.
 
Parson said:
I looked up the form on italicizing ships names, and indeed they are to be italicized. This was news to me. As to commas, I fight a battle with them. I was told more than once that I used too many commas and so in my 75's I try to keep them to a minimum. Maybe I need to re-think that? Finally, I thought the FTL ghost was a rather clever idea which might make some people stop and go: "Hm."
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My fellow Weber fan, I would have thought you'd have noticed the italicized ships before this. :D As for the commas, I'd take that with a grain of salt around here -- there's a definite cultural divide regarding commas, and we're on the side that will not be suffering if the comma crop fails for a few years.

I would punctuate and format your story as follows:

***
From five light hours out, Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship Newhope.

The ship was overflowing salable booty.

That tub would be no match for his jump-capable Widowmaker.

To stay unobserved as he disabled their ship, he would fire from five downtime locations, starting at five light minutes out.

At location three, Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

-----

Captain Marie smiled. “Thanks for keeping watch, Casper. You are our only FTL warning system.”
 
TheDustyZebra said:
My fellow Weber fan, I would have thought you'd have noticed the italicized ships before this. :D As for the commas, I'd take that with a grain of salt around here -- there's a definite cultural divide regarding commas, and we're on the side that will not be suffering if the comma crop fails for a few years.

I would punctuate and format your story as follows:

***
From five light hours out, Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship Newhope.

The ship was overflowing salable booty.

That tub would be no match for his jump-capable Widowmaker.

To stay unobserved as he disabled their ship, he would fire from five downtime locations, starting at five light minutes out.

At location three, Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

-----

Captain Marie smiled. “Thanks for keeping watch, Casper. You are our only FTL warning system.”
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Yeah, I have read all of Weber's Honor Harrington books and all the early ones multiple times, but the fact that all the ship names were italicized just blew by me. Now that you have pointed it out, I do remember that. But I suspect even if I would have remembered it I would have thought that it was merely a stylistic choice.

As to your reformatting of the story I have difficulty with that. Do you really thing that each sentence is a separate paragraph? ...... As I read over it again and again, I can see your point to a degree. But to me it has the look of a telegram. Information which is minus the flow that makes a story..... And that really is the key isn't it? This was really a story that begged for more illustrative material and personal interaction which of course is not possible in 75 words.

Thanks Dusty. Much appreciated.
 
I'm on CC's side as to the commas, and on yours, Parson, as to TDZ's single sentence paragraphs, which for me render the piece too staccato. I agree with CC again, though, as to the need for a separate line for the sentence "At location three..." as without it, you've lost all the impact it should have given the story.

I have to confess to not understanding this on first read -- not helped by the dense main para. I didn't understand the FTL battle tactics which rather left me cold (each to her own!) so as far as I was concerned they added word count without adding information or drama, and although I've heard of Casper the ghost I know nothing of him, so I couldn't understand how he could be a FTL warning system, nor indeed what one of those would be. Mainly, though, I didn't feel it was within my very narrow understanding of New Weird as a genre -- it was SF with a ghost, which is odd, but not weird, if that makes sense.

Being pernickity, not only were the missing commas and italics a problem, but the inconsistent use of numbers ("5" as a numeral but "three" not) was annoying, as was to my Brit eyes "salable" (which I've since discovered is a variant -- US only? -- of the more usual "saleable" so sorry!) and there should have been a hyphen in "jump-capable" (which might have given you another word if I'd thought about it when you checked FTL -- sorry again :oops:). There's a tension here for those of us working with close POV, since the first para is from Chorrup's POV, and you put the ---- line across to show a change to Marie's, but of course the "At location three" line can't be from Chorrup's since he's just been nuked. If the whole is omniscient the ---- line is otiose. And further pernickitiness, why is Marie telling Casper what he already knows ie "you are our only"?!

Anyway, overall, I didn't think it lacked a middle, since you've set it up and you have a punchline, nor do I think lack of words was a problem, as to me it didn't require more.

As everyone else is re-writing it, here's my version ;)

***

Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship – the tub was a cornucopia of saleable booty, and no match for his jump-capable Widowmaker. He was five light hours out. To stay unobserved as he disabled Newhope, he'd fire from five downtime locations starting at five light minutes out.

At location three Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

Captain Marie of the Newhope smiled. “Thanks for keeping watch, Casper. You're the best ever FTL warning system!”

***

Starting with a name and action is often more impactful, by the way, hence my pushing the "five light hours out" to later on, though it cost an extra word; "overflowing" to me was a bit meh as an adjective :p so I've gone way over the top with "cornucopia" again bringing an extra word, and I've added a few more in the last line to make it clear who Marie is. But the deletions I've made keep it at 75 even allowing for "jump-capable" being two words.

Not sure if any of that's a help!
 
Well, I just said I would format it that way -- I didn't say it was right. :D Actually, TJ's split is perfectly lovely as well (or instead).

Salable got past me because it shows up so much where I work, and I've gritted my teeth and gotten used to it. Doesn't mean I like it. :p

So the answer, Parson, is simply to let TJ write your stories from here on out. That's what I'm going to do, anyway.
 
The Judge said:
I'm on CC's side as to the commas, and on yours, Parson, as to TDZ's single sentence paragraphs, which for me render the piece too staccato. I agree with CC again, though, as to the need for a separate line for the sentence "At location three..." as without it, you've lost all the impact it should have given the story.
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I've had another round with the commas and agree that they should be there.

The Judge said:
I have to confess to not understanding this on first read -- not helped by the dense main para. I didn't understand the FTL battle tactics which rather left me cold (each to her own!) so as far as I was concerned they added word count without adding information or drama, and although I've heard of Casper the ghost I know nothing of him, so I couldn't understand how he could be a FTL warning system, nor indeed what one of those would be. Mainly, though, I didn't feel it was within my very narrow understanding of New Weird as a genre -- it was SF with a ghost, which is odd, but not weird, if that makes sense.
Click to expand...

Right, I can understand the confusion. Military SF is my usual genre of choice, and I love thinking out FTL tactics. But I didn't stop to think that this might be confusing to someone who doesn't read that genre as much as I do. As to a ghost as an early warning system I have to admit I was thinking "If a ghost were real, how fast would they travel?" The question struck me like the much celebrated novel "The Speed of Dark" rendered the question: "If we know the speed of light, what is the speed of dark?" So since they seemed to be able to be several places with no discernible travel time in the few ghost stories I've read, the obvious conclusion was that they traveled faster than light. That struck me as an interesting insight one which would make my story stand out. ---- As to the "odd, but not weird," I put that down to my lack of true understanding of what the genre being asked for really was.

The Judge said:
Being pernickity, not only were the missing commas and italics a problem, but the inconsistent use of numbers ("5" as a numeral but "three" not) was annoying, as was to my Brit eyes "salable" (which I've since discovered is a variant -- US only? -- of the more usual "saleable" so sorry!) and there should have been a hyphen in "jump-capable" (which might have given you another word if I'd thought about it when you checked FTL -- sorry again :oops:). There's a tension here for those of us working with close POV, since the first para is from Chorrup's POV, and you put the ---- line across to show a change to Marie's, but of course the "At location three" line can't be from Chorrup's since he's just been nuked. If the whole is omniscient the ---- line is otiose. And further pernickitiness, why is Marie telling Casper what he already knows ie "you are our only"?!
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Mia Culpa on the numbers, that was a dumb thing. I was looking how up how to spell "salable" since I didn't know and the dictionary gave me a thumbs up on it. (I know I've seen it before, and I thought saleable was not truly a word because "salable" was a word.) As to POV, I am at a disadvatage not being truly an author. I don't often think of that, and when I do, I'm confused between "close third," and "omniscient." The distinction hovers somewhere in the fog. I see it as the Apostle Paul says "through a glass darkly."

The Judge said:
Anyway, overall, I didn't think it lacked a middle, since you've set it up and you have a punchline, nor do I think lack of words was a problem, as to me it didn't require more.

As everyone else is re-writing it, here's my version ;)

***

Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship – the tub was a cornucopia of saleable booty, and no match for his jump-capable Widowmaker. He was five light hours out. To stay unobserved as he disabled Newhope, he'd fire from five downtime locations starting at five light minutes out.

At location three Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

Captain Marie of the Newhope smiled. “Thanks for keeping watch, Casper. You're the best ever FTL warning system!”

***

Starting with a name and action is often more impactful, by the way, hence my pushing the "five light hours out" to later on, though it cost an extra word; "overflowing" to me was a bit meh as an adjective :p so I've gone way over the top with "cornucopia" again bringing an extra word, and I've added a few more in the last line to make it clear who Marie is. But the deletions I've made keep it at 75 even allowing for "jump-capable" being two words.

Not sure if any of that's a help!
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Ah, yes, I see why you're an author and I'm not. Your story is much better than my was. I think I'll take DZ's suggestion and send you a draft so that you can write my story. I know I haven't gotten more votes then you over any stretch of time. :D Thanks for taking so much time and trouble with this. You've given me a lot to think about.

-----

Otiose,:cool: is a word I had to look up. A rare occasion for me. Remind me never to get into a Scrabble game with you. :D
 
I'll add one perspective that keeps me sane in the madness of the challenges. I find mentions enormously gratifying. They mean that you have been generally clear, and your story touched base with someone.

Votes are really exciting, but getting a few mentions probably means that you aren't doing too badly at communicating your story well, and after reading a bunch of them, I am beginning to understand the value of clarity.
 
Plunking this down and kindly asking for feedback. Got a lot of mentions this month, which is encouraging, but I'd like to know what might have jumped it up a few levels.

Volant


His memetic wings were hummingbird agile as he darted through electric alleyways, but butterflied open to land him.

“You’re late,” coughed the woman on the ground. Sodium shadows outlined viscous blood cooling in and around the hole in her.

He bent over the woman, unfurled the white wings of his calling, cradled her in them. He consumed her last breath, then laid her down. All that she was settled in his mind, preserved.
 
Well, I voted for it, so I can't say that it isn't a fine story.

If I have to complain about something . . .

In the first paragraph, I'm not sure that "but" is the correct connection. The wings "butterflying" (nice verb, by the way) seems to be consistent with "hummingbird agile" (nice description), rather than contradicting it. I might have stopped the first sentence at "alleyways" and started the next with "They."

I'm not really sure you can cough "You're late." I might have said:

"You're late." The woman on the ground coughed.

Anyway, I thought it was excellent.
 
The notion I was trying to get at was that his wings changed shape from hummingbird to butterfly, so that's why I used "but" there; however, your point is taken.

I'm tempted to try to cough the words "You're late" but I think my coworkers would look at me strangely.

Thanks again for your kind words about the story. :)
 
I liked it enough to shortlist it, so I also thought it was good, though for me it wasn't quite extra-special enough to catch my eye for a vote

As for taking it up another level or two, it's difficult to say. The story was fine, but not striking or outstanding in originality or viewpoint, but I can't see what else you could do with it on that front. Your use of language was good -- subject to some niggles below -- but for me wasn't of the wonderfully lyrical kind that sometimes gets me to vote for a story even if the plot itself isn't stupendous, so that perhaps would be one way you could have taken it -- though I may well be alone in giving lyricism so much weight when it comes to voting. I think my biggest issue was the ending, which for me was a bit disappointing. I set great store by a punchy final line, and this was gentle and a little ethereal but a bit pale and dwindling (not sure any of that made sense, but I've spent 10 minutes trying to think of a word that precisely captures what I mean and can't come up with any!), which perfectly fitted with the theme, of course, but left me rather underwhelmed. Quite what ending would have been both striking and fitting the theme I've no idea, though.

As to the niggles, Victoria raised a couple I had. Having read your comment about the "but" I think the problem lies with the "open" as that indicates the butterflying is the fact of the opening itself (which in fact it is -- butterflying is a culinary technique for eg chops to widen the surface area for cooking without cutting the meat in two). If you wanted to indicate changing shape, I think you'd have been better leaving it simply as "butterflied" and dumping the "open". Better yet, using "then" instead of "but" perhaps. Further on I was briefly puzzled by the "unfurling the white wings" when his wings were already open. I imagine by the "of his calling" you mean he had two sets of wings -- or these white ones weren't physical -- but it was potentially confusing, so I think it might have helped to make that clearer. I also had a problem with "memetic" here. I know its definition, but I couldn't work out what it meant in this context, so that rather stuttered me when it came right at the beginning -- undoubtedly my fault, but I know to my cost that using unusual words can sometimes backfire. In that respect I wonder, too, whether the title wasn't working as hard for the story as it might have done. It's a lovely word, and the echo with "benevolent" is great, but it didn't add a great deal. Again, though, I doubt many voters pay as much attention to the titles as I do. (Just to be clear, a good title isn't going to get a poor story a vote, but it may just propel a good story to a vote against a story of equal worth with not quite as good a title.)

Anyhow, despite my cavils, this was a neat little tale, and well worth its mentions. Well done.
 
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