Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Here's mine from last month. Nul points, and not many short-listings. I think I know what the problem was (though I could be fantastically wrong), but would anything have solved it?


Master and Servant


‘Test subject 573, Director.’ Benson checked his watch. ‘Due right about …’

The machine-encased sleeper said: ‘Ping.’

‘Ping?’ queried Thorvald.

‘All she says, at linearly decreasing intervals.’

‘Convergence?’

‘Estimated three days. But nothing’s on any telescope.’

‘Approaching faster than light, then.’

‘Or …’ Benson frowned. ‘Before we “acquired” her, she was studying Valdczek Theory.’

‘You mean … another dimension?’

‘Possibly. We must warn—’

‘No.’ Thorvald drove his knife into Benson’s throat. ‘The Gibberer wishes to arrive unannounced.’
 
Despite reading it several times, I hadn't the faintest idea what was going on here. I thought perhaps the Gibberer was a reference to someone/thing in a film or graphic novel, but that was no help, as I didn't get the reference, nor did I know whether the Theory was a genuine thing, and the story didn't grab me enough to make me want to look either up to see. Sorry.
 
Like T.J. I was lost from the beginning. It seemed like a kind of horror story, twinned to a S.F. story. I assumed the Valdczek Theory was made up of whole cloth until I read T.J.'s comment. I just Googled and found reference and it was to your 75 Word Story. Good going.
 
If I had written a list yours would have been on, I got the story; transdementional being doesn't want his arrival noted, one person who found out gets an Oracle-esk curse (can only ping in an algorithmic fashion and hope someone takes the time to figure it out where anyone else would see just Gibbering Madness ;) ;) )
While the other person who figures it out is quickly silenced the old-fashioned way. Murder. Muhahahaha.

I was able to clearly visualize the scene, though you don't specify where it takes place, I decided on a space port with one of those wall windows like in 10-Forward, but more science-lab-y / commanding officer's briefing room.

Voice clear. Cleaver abuse of myth.
I felt it was a strong contender!
 
Thanks, the three of you, and glad you liked it, Hope. I think it probably needed about twice the words to reliably make sense (i.e. to most readers).
 
I think I understood this one but it took a couple of goes to figure it all out. I think you're just trying to handle too much too few words. "Convergence" threw me a bit, I'll confess, because I don't directly relate the word to calculating an arrival time. Maybe removing the references to FTL/dimensional travel and just focussing on the impending arrival without specifying the details might have helped?
 
I'll be the first to bounce in here seeking help after this month. I'm reasonably pleased with the amount of mentions I got but as I'm still looking for my first vote, obviously more needs done. I've got a feeling I know what it is, but lets see what you peeps say

A Furry Friend

The strange cat rubbed against Malcolm’s legs, ginger ears flattened against white fur.
“What do you want?”
The cat danced around then stood expectantly by the iron yard gate.
Malcolm hesitated. It wasn’t his yard. Still, must be where the cat lived right? He pushed and it swung open. The cat raced away purring and he smiled. Nice to do someone a favour.
It wasn’t until he was around the corner that the screaming started.
 
I liked the story, TBP. It had a nice use of voice, a good set up and an effective -- funny, in a macabre way -- ending. The only nit-picky points I'd make are I'd put a comma in "where the cat lived, right?" and perhaps another after "pushed" though that's less important, and "the gate" instead of "it" to ensure no ambiguity! I also like to give the stories room, so I'd have put free lines between each paragraph to space things out nicely.

None of that would have affected my decision though, and in another Challenge I might well have shortlisted it, especially as I'm a sucker for cat stories. But for me it didn't meet my very narrow definition of the New Weird genre. There was nothing particularly weird about it -- any cat owner knows how they can make you open a door! -- and it would have been at home in a simple fantasy genre. A lack of a modern city feel didn't help in that respect. So for me it was right story, wrong Challenge. Sorry.
 
Peat, the story would have been on my shortlist for sure but like TJ I was being a bit of a genre-fascist (no, offense Your Hon.) and that's the only reason why it wasn't a contender for me. And my hatred of cats meant it may even have snagged my vote... Like all your work it was clear and well-written and punchy.

pH
 
Thanks guys.

That's two of the three things I expected to hear, and I think the third links in.

Yes, next time I will space it out properly. Really struck me when reading the thread back.

I am still fuzzy on New Weird - I think its the low level fantastic in modern urban settings, but could be wrong - but I did wonder whether I'd sold the weird enough. The white fur/orange ears is meant to signal this is a cat from the underworld (its the classic Celtic mythic colouration for it) but I had no idea whether people would spot that and after that... then yeah, well, its just a cat that may be killing people.

I think the third flaw is I didn't build in enough setting to it. It was definitely urban in my head but I didn't give that. Malcolm knows the street - strange cat was meant to be a cat he'd never seen before, not that he thought it strange - but that doesn't come across. I think if I'd been able to add any of that, then the weirdness would have come out.

But it didn't :) Possibly because I only started this an hour before the deadline.

Anyway thanks again, its been very helpful :D
 
Cathbad said:
Careful! What if the Overlords read this?? :eek:
Click to expand...

Cat's are nothing compared to the young people I teach. :D I really do not like cats at all, really, but having said that, and true to my inconsistencies, I did look in to getting a savannah cat but the ones I liked (the ones that looked like cheetahs, which I absolutely love) were £7k...

So I keep spiders instead.*

pH
*or rather they waltz into my flat like they pay rent.
 
I did not know Savannah cats were a thing but I desperately want one now. £7k is a wee bit much though. (Incidentally, I am cat crazy).
 
I think the only reason this didn't make my list was that it seemed just ordinary horror, not any combination of genres. I did get "strange cat" as meaning "cat he didn't recognize", but not the bit about the ginger ears and white fur. In retrospect, I should have wondered about that, as it was an odd waste of words if there was no meaning to it. Not that people don't waste words sometimes.
 
Ah. New Weird's meant to be genre-bash?

And obviously I can't rely on the reader to go "Hmm, why did he do that, I'll look it up." :)
 
I thought I'd put my story up here this month. After reading the comments I now understand that New Weird has a local time designation, which I didn't catch before and my SF attempt at it probably fell flat. I was also honored with two mentions so by no means my worst showing. What else if anything was lacking from my story.

A True Ghost Patrol

From 5 light hours out Chorrrup sneered at the hospital ship Newhope. The ship was overflowing salable booty. That tub would be no match for his jump capable Widowmaker. To stay unobserved as he disabled their ship he would fire from 5 downtime locations starting at 5 light minutes out. At location three Widowmaker was destroyed by an FTL missile.

-----

Captain Marie smiled “Thanks for keeping watch Casper. You are our only FTL warning system.”


Thanks.... Parson
 
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