Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Oh! The conclusion!
Yes, sorry, I forgot that was mentioned.

So with the whole "put yourself there, take yourself out" aspect not covered, this doesn't really conclude does it. We purposefully don't know what it is she's put off doing, all we know is that she's honest enough with herself about why she didn't do it. The concluding dialogue shows my personal opinion that knowledge of afterlife effects aren't enough to motivate a true procrastinator. I probably should have left it at "Would it have motivated you?" allowing the reader to answer for themselves... probably would have if I'd sat on it at all.

It ends as it does, because that's my answer. I asked myself with this story, and let my answer tag onto the end.

The reason she made it to the welcoming committee is that she understands that self-motivation is the only real reason we get anything done. It's what she's there to help people learn. Finding what motivates them to finish their unfinished business, let go of the guilt that it wasn't done in life.

Clearly that's unclear. I do apologize.
 
I was quite pleased with my entry to the July 75-worder but it gathered only a smattering of mentions so I was wondering where it fell down in other folks' eyes. I have a few thoughts on where I went wrong but I'm not going to add them here yet as I don't want to influence your feedback.

This is where he brought them. This is where they died.

It’s cold here; hard. Their screams must have reverberated in the darkness.

No one knew. We thought we knew him – a family man, devoted to his daughter – but it was a smokescreen; lies. It seems obvious now.

My new friend mewls as I take out the knife. She struggles but I'm not worried. I know the ropes are tight.

Daddy would be proud.
Click to expand...

 
Well, it got onto my shortlist, so clearly I didn't think there was anything wrong with it as such. Having said that, I have to admit it wasn't a real contender for my vote, but that was because of what I look for, rather than any faults of its own, if that makes sense.

Firstly, I'm not one for horror and sadism-type stories, which I invariably find distasteful, so it actually did well to get past my prejudices to make it as far as the shortlist! More importantly, the story itself felt a bit familiar. Not that I'm saying you've copied anyone, I hasten to add, just that the tropes it uses -- eg the twist of the narrator being the baddie, the child following in evil parent's footsteps -- aren't themselves new, and they're the kind of things that crop up from time to time in the Challenges. That isn't necessarily fatal, but if something is familiar, it needs to be special, and this is what I would call a good journeyman-like piece. It's immediately comprehensible, well written, with good choice of language/word use, an effective intro and a snappy last line, but it didn't bring anything new or startling or spine-tingling or thought-provoking which might have elevated it.

Basically, it was a good piece, but not remarkable or unusual enough in plot or language or story-telling, which is what I look for when I come to vote. And frankly, that's what I could say for most stories most months -- my own, not least. So don't despair, and keep plugging away.


NB Re your comment I was quite pleased with my entry to the July 75-worder but it gathered only a smattering of mentions -- as I mentioned in my post in the Discussion thread, this happens to me a lot, and I know I'm not the only one to experience it. Conversely, another time you'll dash something off and be very dissatisfied with it, and that piece will garner votes. I've no explanation for this phenomenon, save that other members (not me, of course ;)) are perverse blighters who don't recognise quality when they see it!
 
Shyrka, I'd echo TJ's words to the letter!

It was well-written.

Although I'm a horror fan, when it comes to sadism, or gore, for that matter, I'm turned off - unless it's done in a unique (absurd) way. I'm more interested in how the bad guy got the way he did, rather than hear his or her wicked actions etc. So my biases and prejudices came into play.

As said above, there are times when I've submitted a challenge entry to either 75 or 300 word contests and thought, 'BOOOOOM! Booker Prize now, please' ;) and not even had a mention, so don't worry.

The most important line in your question was, 'I was happy with it'

For me, it's a win if I'm happy.

pH
 
That's good stuff to hear. I'm feeling that the challenges are a double edged sword for me. The competition keeps it interesting, but it's hard to be happy with losing, and the odds are bad. I absolutely love that the challenges get me thinking, and in uncomfortable ways. I have had some of my best ideas trying to come up with something for the challenges.

However, I get hopeful every month that I will connect with someone and that they will really love what I wrote.

With that in mind, I was a bit disappointed by my performance with this one, so I offer it up. I was very high on the idea, but I wonder if it fell into the category of "Doesn't Make Sense." Please scrutinize and let me know your thoughts:

Old Man Hopkins

The boys of the Hopkins clan never had a mother, but father was never lonely. All seven of them bore an uncanny resemblance to him, and they all worked the fields with the same hunch and dogged perseverance.

"There were no womenfolk to be had in those days," he said with the same wry grin that each boy wore. "No matter. I did it as the frogs do. Ain't been lonesome since."
 
Thanks for the comments. I hadn't really considered that the core theme might be off-putting for some although it seems pretty obvious now. I have a tendency with challenge entries to get hooked on looking for that last line sting and that always swings in this sort of direction when I'm in a horror mood (perhaps I should be worried!)

The intent with this entry was really to play on the echo theme in two ways - one physical (the room itself) and one symbolic, the daughter echoing the actions of her father, a theme which came up several times in other entries (possibly a reason why it didn't get much attention, i.e. it was one of many similar entries). I realised later that I might have been able to add more impact to the piece by emphasising that it was her need to make her father proud that drove her to emulate him. I'm not sure how exactly that would have manifested itself in the story but my gut feeling was that it would lift the story that little bit further. I always seem to have the really good ideas once its too late!

Cory Swanson said:
With that in mind, I was a bit disappointed by my performance with this one, so I offer it up. I was very high on the idea, but I wonder if it fell into the category of "Doesn't Make Sense." Please scrutinize and let me know your thoughts:
Click to expand...

This one worked for me. I definitely understood what you were driving at. I would say that, core idea aside, it doesn't really grab me. It's perhaps a victim of the word count limits but it doesn't really say anything other than he can clone himself. There's no real conflict - he's lonely so he makes more of himself and everything ends happily. Whilst it's well written and neatly-constructed, it lacks that emotional punch that really great entries have.
 
Cory, your piece made sense to me save (as you'll have seen from my comments elsewhere) I didn't know about frogs' asexual reproduction, so the actual mechanics of what had happened was beyond me, but I figured he'd somehow effectively cloned the boys. As an idea it was neat, and it fulfilled the theme and genre with the boys being echoes of him, and it's most definitely SFF, so that was fine (and I do exclude stories each month for failing to meet theme/genre so that's an important issue). It was clearly written, another point in its favour, and I quite liked the "hunch [save to my mind it should have been "hunched" so that got marked down] and dogged perseverance". But the telling of the story fell short for me.

As I feel with the longer version, your interest is in the frogs and how the reproduction is done, so you tell us what has happened then have the frogs as the near-punchline explanation. But to me the interest is in the fact it has been done, so to my mind you've told the story backwards. If I'd thought of this (which I wouldn't have been able to, so again congrats for thinking it up) I'd have started with the lack of women and Hopkins' interest in the frogs first, then worked towards the thunderbolt of the asexual reproduction. By giving away the plot as you have done, you reduce the impact of the story, so instead of being a OMG moment, it's a bit oh, well.

It's not badly written, but it feels slow, not helped by the effective repetition of the points about their similarity -- the resemblance, the same perseverance, the same grin. Also you first tell us point blank about the resemblance, ie telling instead of showing, and only then show us eg with the wry grin, so that is backwards too, and by using the word "uncanny" you're again giving it all away as being something weird. (I know it would have to be weird, since this is SFF, but you still shouldn't give it away!)

Finally, for my taste there's no oomph to it. The opening isn't bad, but it's not at all snappy, and the last line -- where I really look for punch -- is a bit downbeat.

So overall, it's a neat idea but for me -- and clearly this is only my opinion -- it's let down by the way you've chosen to tell it.
 
@Shyrka You wrote an interesting story. For my part the major problem was the horrific action. I'm a person who does not like horror. I don't like ghastly images stuck in my mind, and that's what your story did. So, I guess for me you likely executed your idea too well. I have an image of the action and the character running in my mind which is horrific. Perhaps others had the same visceral reaction.

@Cory Swanson .... I thought your story tripped over the story part. It seemed to me to be more of a description than a story. But it was a very clever idea. I did know of the asexual reproduction of frogs so I found that a very surprising, and a good hook.
 
In summation, there are very specific things people are looking for. 1. Emotion. 2. A last line hook.

Stray from the formula at your own risk.
 
Cory Swanson said:
In summation, there are very specific things people are looking for. 1. Emotion. 2. A last line hook.

Stray from the formula at your own risk.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure I'd really agree. I don't look for a last line hook, although it does really act as a drawstring for a 75 worder. I can't imagine writing an entry with other people's prerequisites in mind (or, for that matter, purely to get votes, really). My involvement in the challenges is solely to improve my writing, in terms of efficiency and impact. Sometimes that comes with a hook, sometimes not.

Some winners have achieved the lofty heights of victory in diverse formats such as flyers or posters, or even recipes!

So I'd say people are looking for one thing; bottled lightning. :D

pH
 
Well said. I'm just trying to get better too. I am also reacting to the fact that so many seem to follow the same form for better or worse.
 
I tried something different from my normal awful humour for the July 75, attempting a sort of lovecraftian style of madness. It got no votes, which is no surprise as I've been going a bit backwards recently. Could I have some feedback in whether this was due to the style, grammar or content please. Cheers.

Umbra

I fear the day.

They stand stark; negative mirrors of one and all. They cannot be avoided for they are forever attached, mockingly silent twins.

No one else sees them like I do. No one else comprehends. I’ve tried to explain but my words fall upon barren ears.

I see him, I know him. There… he laughs at me, he points at me, he screams at me, the black echo of my soul, my shadow.
 
It took me a couple of reads to try and work out what was happening here, which meant the story started at a disadvantage, as I'm often swayed by my reaction on first reading and here it was a kind of "Huh?" And to be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I've got it, and I've no idea who/what these shadows are. Now you've mentioned madness, I've just for the first time wondered if in fact he's seeing things that aren't there.

Anyhow, it wasn't badly written, and I've certainly no quibbles about grammar or word use, so don't worry about that. And I liked the "mockingly silent" line, though "barren ears" which sounded great on first coming to it, actually made less sense the more I thought about it now, which just goes to show that metaphor shouldn't be examined too closely sometimes!

The style is very repetition-heavy, which looking at it now, for the purposes of critiquing and in the light of your Lovecraftian madness comment, I can see makes sense. I don't analyse the stories in detail when I'm reading before voting, though, and then the repetition probably worked a little to the story's detriment -- I didn't get a sense of impending terror, just a feeling of OTTness and waste of words when there's only 75 to play with. But I'm not a fan of Lovecraft so that kind of style isn't for me at the best of times, I'm afraid.

I had a bit of an issue with the apparent non sequitur opening which sounds dramatic but didn't appear to relate to what follows -- on reading it now I finally clicked it must relate to the shadows only appearing in daylight, but at the time left me nonplussed, which didn't help. Also the abrupt jump between the shadows attached to others and the first sentence in the last line rather threw me, as if the background and true point of the story weren't properly integrated.

Overall, the piece just didn't click with me -- which happens with a great many entries each month. And though I've been sitting here trying to pin down why, I'm still really not sure. Sorry I can't help more than that. But if it's any consolation, I've gone months without votes recently, so you're not the only old-timer going backwards. :(
 
I didn't understand it either, I'm afraid.

The Judge said:
I had a bit of an issue with the apparent non sequitur opening which sounds dramatic but didn't appear to relate to what follows -- on reading it now I finally clicked it must relate to the shadows only appearing in daylight
Click to expand...

Ah -- I had exactly the same reaction, and it didn't click at all that it meant daylight. I though it meant "I fear the day [that such-and-such will happen]", which as TJ says felt disconnected from the whole thing.

Also I was confused by the "they" at the beginning turning to "he" by the end. Sorry.
 
Cheers both. I was trying to tread a line between the person's own madness at his shadow and his attempts to warn others about their own. Obviously that's where it fell over. I can only suspect that it unraveled as I edited to get to the 75 mark.

Some of the Lovecraft based fiction does that but they obviously have a few more words to play with :)
 
@Luiglin My reaction to the story was Huh? I just didn't understand what was going on or where it was headed. My best guess guided by the was that this was a kind of vampire story, but .... I just didn't get it. Sorry.
 
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