Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Mr Orange]

to quickly summarise:

@saulfan: i think this was a really good idea that didn't quite make it in 75 words. reading it now with plenty of time, i think i understand it more than i dead when going through the entries at voting time. i think the conclusion of the story wasn't strong enough ,and you prbably could have taken a few words from the first para and used them in the last to make it stronger.

@Cory Swanson: i really enjoyed this story and think i finalisted it? if not, it was very close. i think it was just missing something, maybe conflict or a final punch.

@Aine: as i think others have mentioned, i think this story suffered from the word count. it was a great introduction that then jumped straight to a conclusion missing all the action. i felt i had missed the story that was in there.

@Ihe: i also didn't get the titles, but then that happens a lot for me. to me, this didn't read like a story, it was more like a blurb. it did leave me feeling like i wanted to read more, not that i had just read a story.

 

[mosaix]

Ihe, like Mr Orange, the 'story' element wasn't strong enough for me and that's one of my 'hurdles' that each entry has to overcome before I consider it for a vote.

 

[Shyrka]

@Aine - I liked this one but it didn't quite grab me, maybe the 'one last job' plot felt a bit too familiar. That said, after re-reading it, I think I was probably being a little unfair - there's a lot to like here. I'd echo Parson's comment on the first line being a bit lost (a 'he said' would fix it, but word count) but otherwise it fits together nicely. You create a good sense of the characters, especially Richie, in a very short space ('but the same sparkle in his eyes. The same grip of my hand' works very well, IMO) and the ending is well put together, albeit a tad (understandably) compressed. In the end, I think it didn't quite 'pop' enough for me amongst the rest of the entries.

@Ihe - I liked this one too but I think you fell afoul of @ratsy's Scars treading on the same ground. The language is good and I especially enjoyed "-and we now only converse through incandescent flashes. Our chats are always short and one-sided." Punchy and pleasingly indirect. I'll confess I didn't get the title reference but it still worked as a title for me. Perhaps there wasn't quite enough of an emotional impact to really make it stand out?

 

[Shyrka]

I wasn't going to put my entry up for feedback this month since I felt I was quite aware of its shortcomings but the current rush of interest in this thread (and writing my own evaluations) has inspired me to see if my own feelings match others'. Here goes:

The Reclamator’s Burden

“They’re beautiful,” she whispers, young eyes widening.

Images drift from her, gossamer phantoms of a life not yet lived.

“Yes.” I let them linger for a moment.

“You’re taking them?” Her breathing grows soft; shallow.

“Not taking. Saving.”

“Why? I’m…?”

“Dying? Yes.” Lying would be cruel. “But others have need of them. New lives.”

“Other boys and girls will get them?”

I nod.

As last breath dallies ghost-like on her lips, they twitch.

 

[mosaix]

I wasn't going to put my entry up for feedback this month since I felt I was quite aware of its shortcomings but the current rush of interest in this thread (and writing my own evaluations) has inspired me to see if my own feelings match others'. Here goes:

Not a lot to say, Shyrka. I really liked it - it got my vote!

 

[The Judge]

Ditto!

There's a semi-colon which I'd have preferred as a comma (between "soft" and "shallow") but the only thing that made me hesitate before voting for it was the very last line which let the rest down a little, I thought. To me, there's a missing "her" or "a" between "As" and "last" which caused a slight bump as I read it, and the "they twitch" really stopped me and I had to re-read the line to see who/what "they" were since the subject of the previous clause was the single "last breath". Even when I realised you meant her lips, I couldn't work out why they were twitching -- a smile, a grimace, an extinguished cry of pain? -- so it made for a downbeat and slightly confusing ending. You got 3 votes, which isn't to be sniffed at, but you perhaps might have got more if that line had been a little smoother, and even better if it were properly integrated into the story -- personally, I'd have brought the narrator back into it, showing the burden that you speak of in the title but which otherwise isn't obvious.

Nonetheless, despite my slight disappointment with the ending, the story and idea was powerful, hence my vote for it.

 

[Stable]

@Shyrka I thought it was beautiful. To me it seemed more of a scene than a story though (I mean, that's a fine distinction in 75 words, but I'd like a little more around the edges if that makes sense).

@The Judge So would the correct punctuation be:

A drone dropped off the shopping at the front door. I had no time to pay attention, the fridge could handle that.

I have issues with commas sometimes.

 

[Ihe]

Haunting and ethereal, @Shyrka. It has a childish sweetness that brings it together. Got nothing against this. For what it's worth, I think that semi-colon is well-placed (sorry TJ!).

 

[Parson]

Shyrka, This was a hauntingly beautiful story. (There @The Judge we agree ) I believe I short listed it. If I didn't, I should have. The only thing that it lacked for me was a satisfying ending. Was she smiling? That's what I choose to believe. The other thing I didn't like about your story has nothing to do with its writing. It seems so sad and so wasteful. I wanted to shout out Why? Why is this death necessary? I'm not happy about a capricious fate.

 

[The Judge]

I know who I'd want giving feedback and it wouldn't be some old and gray, not graying, Parson.

But the feedback of a reader-who-writes-a-bit is as important as that of any writer, particularly as personal likes play such an important part in how we assess pieces, so your comments are invaluable, not only to the people seeking help but for the rest of us, too, since we want to get your vote another time! (And I love how you were so involved with Shyrka's story that you were angry at the poor child's death.)

So would the correct punctuation be:

A drone dropped off the shopping at the front door. I had no time to pay attention, the fridge could handle that.

That would be better, yes, though I might um and ah over whether that comma in "attention, the" should be a semi-colon -- and if I were writing it, I'd change it from one to the other for half an hour or so, then rewrite the sentence completely when I couldn't make up my mind... . (I'd also probably change "no time to pay attention" to "no time to deal with it" since patently he has paid attention since he knows it arrived.) When I first stumbled on the line I was thinking of having a semi-colon where you've got the full stop, then couldn't decide how to deal with the "attention, the" since a second semi-colon would have been out of the question. But as Ihe makes clear, the positioning of semi-colons can be a question of taste as much as correct punctuation sometimes!

 

[Ihe]

Yes. Don't sell yourself short Parsy (can I call you Parsy? ).

 

[Parson]

Yes. Don't sell yourself short Parsy (can I call you Parsy? ).

It sounds like someone someone's pony's name. But whatever. Over on the NFL thread I'm sometimes called Parse.

 

[Shyrka]

Thank you for the feedback everyone! I'm pleased to say that my suspicions were correct - the weaknesses I'd personally identified were the last line, as called out by @The Judge, and, as @Stable pointed out the lack of a 'story'. I agonised over the former for days but could never find anything that fitted in the word count. It was either too direct (explicitly mentioning a smile, which cheapened it, I wanted people to wonder at least a little) or too obtuse. To ally poor @Parson's fears, it is supposed to be her smiling, but alluding to that effectively within the word count proved almost impossible.

The semi-colon question (@Ihe versus @The Judge, Fight! Fight! Fight!) is an interesting one. Normally I would stick to commas because I'm more comfortable with their usage, but I had a vague memory of a semi-colon being suggested for something similar in previous feedback so I put one in, tested it and found it didn't feel too wrong. I'm pleased to discover it's not just me who has trouble with them.

One thing I didn't consider was that people might believe it was the Reclamator herself causing the girl's death (which, I believe, you may have thought, @Parson?) Reading it back now, it isn't explicitly stated that she isn't the cause of the death - the idea was that she was already dying and the Reclamator was saving her fates in the way someone might donated organs. A reminder that readers cannot infer your intent - you have to explicitly state it if you want to guarantee they will 'get' it.

 

[Shyrka]

Oh, and having something I wrote described as 'hauntingly beautiful' has made my week. Thank you everyone!

 

[Parson]

One thing I didn't consider was that people might believe it was the Reclamator herself causing the girl's death (which, I believe, you may have thought, @Parson?) Reading it back now, it isn't explicitly stated that she isn't the cause of the death - the idea was that she was already dying and the Reclamator was saving her fates in the way someone might donated organs.

Actually, what I didn't get was that the Reclamator was "saving her fates." What does that mean anyway? I had thought that the person dying was somehow deficient and that her life was being taken to be shared with others. I believed that the Reclamator was not responsible for the "disease" but was going to be responsible for taking her life. So, the short answer is, I didn't understand the story.

 

[Shyrka]

Actually, what I didn't get was that the Reclamator was "saving her fates." What does that mean anyway? I had thought that the person dying was somehow deficient and that her life was being taken to be shared with others. I believed that the Reclamator was not responsible for the "disease" but was going to be responsible for taking her life. So, the short answer is, I didn't understand the story.

Cool, thanks. That's what I suspected from your previous reply. Ultimately, I'm going to blame the limitations of the 75-word format, but improving the clarity is something I'll consider if I ever go back to it.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I didn't submit these for the actual contests, but I was told you would make an exception for a newbie like me so I can improve...

The first was from March 2016 ("New Worlds", Space Fantasy)

The Aliens

The two stared down at the blue sphere, overwhelmed by their emotions. For 50 generations, their ancestors occupied this colony ship, fleeing Earth for a new world.


They had finally arrived.


However, their emotions were shock and horror. This paradise was occupied with humans who had perfected FTL travel. They now had no home and no hope of rejoining their distant cousins.


They had wondered if they would find aliens; they found themselves aliens instead.


The second was from October 2016 ("Dry", Science Fiction or Fantasy)

The Gods were Angry

A man staggered through the endless dunes, cloaked in a dark shroud. Dehydration had more than set in, leaving him more a lich than a man.


He came upon the bleached bones of one who had fallen. Shaking his bony fist at the gods who had refused him such mercy, he continued his 10,000 year sojourn, perpetually on the brink of death from thirst and hunger. Nearly insane, he staggered on, nine millennia remaining.

Any feedback would be most appreciated!

 

[The Judge]

I have to confess, Joshua, that first reads of both stories left me confused -- though that's not unusual for me with 75 worders. To take them in turn:

The Aliens
Right, as I understand it, after a thousand years or so a colony ship has arrived at a planet, only to find it already occupied by other humans who, in the intervening period, had developed FTL travel and beaten them to paradise. That it? As a plot, it's intriguing, certainly (though the practical side of me wonders why the FTLers hadn't contracted the ship and given it help in getting to the planet more quickly) but I think it needs a bit of work. I'll red-pen it (well, purple-pen) to show some areas which I think could do with some fine-tuning:

The two [why only two? A whole colony ship and only two survivors seems a bit odd, and if it is only the two of them, it rather reduces the pathos of what follows] stared down at the blue sphere, overwhelmed by their emotions. For 50 [no big deal, but probably better as "fifty"] generations, their ancestors had [definitely needed as the tense is wrong otherwise, but that takes you over the 75 limit] occupied this [confusing -- they're looking at the planet, so "this" seems to refer to that planet] colony ship, fleeing Earth for a new world.

They had [you could make that "They'd" which would save a word] finally arrived.

However, their emotions were shock and horror. [too far from the "overwhelmed" line to be an effective antithesis] This paradise [how do they know it's a paradise?] was occupied [repetition of "occupied" ungainly] by [with] humans who had perfected FTL travel. They [strictly "they" are the FTL-humans, so another moment's confusion before realising who is meant] now had no home and no hope of rejoining their distant cousins. [this floored me. Why no home? They've lived on the colony ship all their lives, so they've a home there for a start. But why can't they go down to the planet? The distant cousins have developed FTL not two heads! (Though it wouldn't be "rejoining" them since they'd never been joined in the first place.) If it's a paradise, the FTLers-- some of them anyway -- must be good people, so would doubtless welcome the newcomers. And they must have seen the colony ship coming for some time with long-range telescopes, so why haven't they contacted these two?]

They had wondered if they would find aliens; they found themselves aliens instead. [A neat line in the right circumstances, but to my mind there's nothing in the story that warrants it]​

So, not a bad piece, but not quite there for me, so not one I'd have shortlisted.

The Gods were Angry
This one, to be honest, seemed a bit... um... pointless. Sorry. I get that he's doomed to spend 10,000 years in a desert, but without knowing what he's done to deserve it -- or not -- it's hard to feel anything for him. Why is he cloaked in a dark shroud? What is the shroud, and what does its presence add to the story that you feel it necessary to include it? "Nearly insane" -- surely he'd be wholly round the twist after 1,000 years? And "perpetually on the brink of death" seems otiose. It felt to me that you'd used a lot of words without actually taking the story further, which is fatal in a 75 worder, where every word must count and give value.

I also rather lost patience with him staggering on. Why didn't he apply some sense and just sit down and wait out the years on a dune? Also, the repetition of "staggered" grated for me a bit, which didn't help. As to word use, "sojourn" was for me wholly out of place -- it's a short stay or a visit, and 10,000 years is anything but! I also stumbled over the "lich" and had to check its meaning -- I only know it from "lych gate" with the alternative spelling -- and for a moment I thought you meant "lichen" (which I actually liked, since it gave a barren, scratchy, not-human vibe to the story!). I enjoy using obscure words, but it does render one vulnerable if they're not widely known. And never forget rhythm when you're writing -- that line is bumpy as written, and "more lich than man" is stronger, and gives you two extra words to use elsewhere!


Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic about the two of these, but always remember that all this is just my opinion, and as you'll have seen if you've read earlier posts here, one story can create a good many different opinions! In any event, well done for getting the stories done, and good luck with the present and future Challenges!

 

[Parson]

The Aliens .... Clever concept and one that's been dealt with before in S.F. (seems like most everything has). But like the Judge I was nonplussed by there only being "two." Now I suppose they are symbolic of the hundreds of people on the generation ship, but still two most easily reads as two. Also I found that I couldn't quite believe that everyone would feel that their trip had been in vain. There's a new world down there. It is filled with unbelievable technology, and it's populated by humans. They aren't aliens. They will be able to communicate. They will be able to share feelings. At best those feelings would be feelings of being cheated of creating a new thing, but upon reflection they would have to see that they were still going to live a new thing, maybe even a better thing.

The Gods were Angry .... I didn't see this one as a story at all. It definitely fit the idea of dry and S.F. or Fantasy and it painted a picture of a horrible fate and a horrible dryness. But why? What had angered the Gods? Were they justified or were they capricious? And then we have no real ending at all. He's angry and he shakes his fist at God. Sorry, but this did not seem like a story to me. It's more like a scene setter.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I have to confess, Joshua, that first reads of both stories left me confused -- though that's not unusual for me with 75 worders. To take them in turn:

The Aliens
Right, as I understand it, after a thousand years or so a colony ship has arrived at a planet, only to find it already occupied by other humans who, in the intervening period, had developed FTL travel and beaten them to paradise. That it? As a plot, it's intriguing, certainly (though the practical side of me wonders why the FTLers hadn't contracted the ship and given it help in getting to the planet more quickly) but I think it needs a bit of work. I'll red-pen it (well, purple-pen) to show some areas which I think could do with some fine-tuning:

The two [why only two? A whole colony ship and only two survivors seems a bit odd, and if it is only the two of them, it rather reduces the pathos of what follows] stared down at the blue sphere, overwhelmed by their emotions. For 50 [no big deal, but probably better as "fifty"] generations, their ancestors had [definitely needed as the tense is wrong otherwise, but that takes you over the 75 limit] occupied this [confusing -- they're looking at the planet, so "this" seems to refer to that planet] colony ship, fleeing Earth for a new world.

They had [you could make that "They'd" which would save a word] finally arrived.

However, their emotions were shock and horror. [too far from the "overwhelmed" line to be an effective antithesis] This paradise [how do they know it's a paradise?] was occupied [repetition of "occupied" ungainly] by [with] humans who had perfected FTL travel. They [strictly "they" are the FTL-humans, so another moment's confusion before realising who is meant] now had no home and no hope of rejoining their distant cousins. [this floored me. Why no home? They've lived on the colony ship all their lives, so they've a home there for a start. But why can't they go down to the planet? The distant cousins have developed FTL not two heads! (Though it wouldn't be "rejoining" them since they'd never been joined in the first place.) If it's a paradise, the FTLers-- some of them anyway -- must be good people, so would doubtless welcome the newcomers. And they must have seen the colony ship coming for some time with long-range telescopes, so why haven't they contacted these two?]

They had wondered if they would find aliens; they found themselves aliens instead. [A neat line in the right circumstances, but to my mind there's nothing in the story that warrants it]​

So, not a bad piece, but not quite there for me, so not one I'd have shortlisted.

The Gods were Angry
This one, to be honest, seemed a bit... um... pointless. Sorry. I get that he's doomed to spend 10,000 years in a desert, but without knowing what he's done to deserve it -- or not -- it's hard to feel anything for him. Why is he cloaked in a dark shroud? What is the shroud, and what does its presence add to the story that you feel it necessary to include it? "Nearly insane" -- surely he'd be wholly round the twist after 1,000 years? And "perpetually on the brink of death" seems otiose. It felt to me that you'd used a lot of words without actually taking the story further, which is fatal in a 75 worder, where every word must count and give value.

I also rather lost patience with him staggering on. Why didn't he apply some sense and just sit down and wait out the years on a dune? Also, the repetition of "staggered" grated for me a bit, which didn't help. As to word use, "sojourn" was for me wholly out of place -- it's a short stay or a visit, and 10,000 years is anything but! I also stumbled over the "lich" and had to check its meaning -- I only know it from "lych gate" with the alternative spelling -- and for a moment I thought you meant "lichen" (which I actually liked, since it gave a barren, scratchy, not-human vibe to the story!). I enjoy using obscure words, but it does render one vulnerable if they're not widely known. And never forget rhythm when you're writing -- that line is bumpy as written, and "more lich than man" is stronger, and gives you two extra words to use elsewhere!


Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic about the two of these, but always remember that all this is just my opinion, and as you'll have seen if you've read earlier posts here, one story can create a good many different opinions! In any event, well done for getting the stories done, and good luck with the present and future Challenges!

Thank you for your honest critique. I think you pretty well hit it on the nail with the majority of your points, so let me explain what I was trying to do with these.

The Aliens
The bulk of my writing is Hard SF, so I kinda stuck to my guns on this (which was my first attempt at a 75 worder). I had in my mind, rather than 2 people, a much larger group (1,000 people to start, a modest birth rate, and 1000 years comes to well over 1,000,000 people), but I (wrongly) assumed this would be assumed. For not being able to rejoin, in my original version, I had expressly mentioned that the FTL population had so far surpassed them technologically that there was little hope of catching up, and the language changes were so extreme, understanding one another was nearly a lost cause (especially being the occupants of the generation ship had never encountered another language). I also implied that the evolutionary shift may make them genetically incompatible (hinted at by calling them "cousins"). But, unfortunately, this sentence didn't make the cut, so I completely agree that those things could not have been discerned from the finished product.

The Gods were Angry
This was my first attempt at fantasy, so it had a double challenge of being a new genre and a 75 worder. The backstory I imagined was a goddess seduced him, and her consort punished him for it. Also, the punishment was to be placed at the center of desert which had water in any direction, only to be placed back at the center again as soon as he approached it. But, yeah, I knew this one needed some help; hence me asking.

So, again, thank you for your honest critique. I really appreciate the feedback.