Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

@holland .... I've spent some time thinking about your story, whose idea I thought was quite good by the way, and wondered why it did make my short list. Certainly the genre was spot on, and I suppose the theme was met. It would sound like a perfect case of Murphy broke out, but I'm not completely convinced. But this didn't stop me from listing you. I think what got me was the shear absurdity of the plot device. First, if one person could speak "all" the primary languages it would be almost certain that more than one could. Second, how is someone who speaks only one word without context a witness? Third, Even if the same one word appeared in all the languages certainly you would be able to limit at least most, and possible all but the correct of those definitions because they would have no place in the context of this trial. Fourth, wouldn't the physical appearance and/or dress and/or accent of the speaker give at least a reasonable clue to the language spoken.

I had no problem with the Cat gimmick in so many stories, but your use of Kaatz did make your story seem more like a joke rather than a story.

But as I've said before: "There's no accounting for taste. And what one finds not to their liking another might think the best ever."

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Fourth, wouldn't the physical appearance and/or dress and/or accent of the speaker give at least a reasonable clue to the language spoken.

That one is pretty clear, actually -- it's a surprise protected witness, and the translator is in a booth where he can only hear the testimony (although it seems to me it would make more sense to put the witness in the booth, because he's the one that nobody is supposed to see) and the image is blurred -- think how they show witness protection program people on TV, with voices adjusted and faces in the dark.

I did think of your third argument, though -- context ought to narrow the choices somewhat. And they really ought to have told the translator which language he should be thinking in, but that's government for you.

I had the story on my shortlist as well, so obviously I liked it.

TJ is spot-on about its being put forth as a joke, and what could have been done to change that by changing the placement of the word, but I liked it either way.

 

[holland]

Thank you guys so much for such a thorough feedback. I get it now, and I completely agree the story would not make any sense and wouldn't be funny at all if I just showed it to a random person right now.

I do tend to do that from time to time, write my stories as if they existed just in this small microcosm of theirs where they make (at least some) sense, disregarding everything else around it. And that's exactly what I did here, wrote the story just for the people who were in on the cats thing. I guess this is something I must work on and pay attention to if I ever want to become a real writer.

Btw, the booth was supposed to have been the booth for simultaneous interpreting, with the surprise protected witness appearing just as a blurry figure on the screen for everyone. But this is again something from my own microcosm, where being an interpreter myself I just know how those things work, and it didn't even occur to me it might not be clear to other people.

Amazing feedback really, exactly what I needed, thank you all once again.

 

[Parson]

I've got to admit to a certain amount of trepidation here. As almost all of you know I do not count myself a "real author" I don't spend hours every week writing. I don't have a novel in process or anything like that. I do enjoy the 75 word challenges. Here's the catch. I thought I had a real winner this month, and although I got a vote (which is a rare and wonderful thing for me) I thought there might be a bit more buzz about my story. Was there something wrong here I did not see. --- I have to admit to wondering if it was too obviously Christian for some people to consider seriously.


-----

Found Guilty in 2250

When Rev. Martin started preaching he knew that personal responsibility was anathema. After 300 years of watching vids in which “regular” people were never to blame for their failures; everyone “knew” that when bad things happened to them it was Murphy’s fault.


When Martin was inspired to preach personal responsibility, he was soon arrested, tried, convicted of Heresy, and sentenced to death.


Martin’s last words: “I AM A CHRISTIAN! I DO NOT BELIEVE IN MURPHY!”

 

[The Judge]

Its religious underpinnings didn't make a problem for me, Parson, but the way it was told did.

As I said to holland, the last line of a story is as important -- perhaps more important -- than the first, and for me your last line didn't have enough ooomph as far as the story is concerned. It emphasises the others' belief in some kind of demon-god called Murphy, but that can be inferred from everything else. Moreover, to my mind you've buried the real importance of the story in that middle paragraph, in what is virtually a throwaway line.

I also think it would have paid dividends if you'd considered another way of reporting the story, rather than this somewhat flat account. My first thought was it would make for a terrific news report, though I'm sure there are lots of equally valid ways of showing it. Very quickly, in case it's of help, this is the kind of thing I mean:

"The trial of professed Christian, the self-styled Reverend Josiah Martin, ended today at the Central Criminal Court. Martin was arraigned on a charge of heresy after preaching that people must accept personal responsibility for their own lives instead of ascribing their failures to Murphy. In an outburst which shocked the court and nation, Martin declared Murphy does not exist.

"The seven judges were unanimous in pronouncing a guilty verdict.

"Martin's execution will take place tomorrow."
​

It needs a bit more work, particularly in that last line, but to me this gives all the information you wanted to get out, but saves the horrendous fact he's to be executed until the end where it will have most impact. My version obviously isn't perfect, since, apart from anything else, it requires the reader to infer a good deal about the society, whereas yours makes it explicit so there's no doubt, but it arguably creates more reader involvement for those who do get it.

Basically, a good interesting idea, but for me it was a bit lacking in the way the story unfolded.

 

[Danny McG]

Parsons; I personally enjoyed the story and somehow intuited (is that a word or have I jumbled other other words together to create it? ) as I was reading it a rough approximation of the outcome.
((In my guess he was gonna fall off an execution crucifix due to defective nails and thus prove Murphy's Law))
There has been mention of last lines having 'oomph' in these stories, as a relative newby to writing 75 word stories I myself wasn't aware this is a requirement. I tend to think of very short stories where all is revealed in the last line as flat jokes - maybe just me

 

[Parson]

@The Judge ... Thanks for your critique. I appreciate your careful thinking about what caused my story to fail. But for me the oomph of the story was indeed the last line. Being a Christian was the reason for risking the wrath of the majority, and the last words were his way of clearly delineating that fact to his executioners. It made his death make sense, at least to him. Otherwise he is guilty of being blind, naive, or stupid. That I feel like this, and you and likely many others feel the same, has to mean that I somehow didn't communicate the pathos of the situation clearly enough.

@dannymcg .... Thanks for your critique. I appreciate the time you took with my story. I don't know if you've created a word with "intuited." It may be an over-urbanization, but we clearly use intuit as a verb in some situations so adding ed and making it a past tense is easily understood in conversation. Unfortunately I wasn't going for that kind of reverse Murphy.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I think TJ's onto something there, and I had to study it to see why her version worked with what I felt was wrong with the story -- because I wasn't really sure what that was.

What I figured out was that you appeared to be building it into a Christian framework, when the world that Martin is living in is not. You refer to when he began preaching, which (at least coming from you) implies that he's in a Christian church, and then the rest starts to be puzzling. But all of that -- trial for heresy, death sentence for going against Murphy -- is not taking place in a Christian framework, it's taking place in a world where Murphy is the religion and Christianity is mostly stamped out, hence the heresy. TJ's version highlights that fact, and it then makes sense. It wouldn't have to be done the way she did, of course, but you want to come at it from within that world, rather than trying to show how silly that world is from within our own. I hope that makes sense.

 

[The Judge]

Ah, I see a little better what you're trying to say, Parson, but TDZ has articulated a problem I'd had with your version but hadn't been able to put my finger on. As she points out, your opening is effectively written from a POV from our time, when the piece has to be written from within their time -- the title tells us it's in the future so you don't have to.

If you want to emphasise his Christianity, which is the point of the story as far as you're concerned, then you can't give the game away early, which you've effectively done in your very first line -- he might be a "Rev" in this Murphy church, but no one is going to read a "Rev" from you and not immediately think Christian! Moreover, you don't do anything to dispel that idea afterwards, so the fact he's a Christian is self-evident for us, hence my feeling there's a lack of ooomph in that final line. When I first read it, I realised he was resigned to being -- perhaps even content to be -- a martyr, but as a final statement it's hardly up there with Ridley and Latimer. (And without wanting to tread on anyone's toes, he might be deep in his faith and may consider himself a martyr, but that doesn't stop him being blind, naive or stupid, of course.)

Anyhow, thinking about it, if you want that emphasis, then another way to approach it might be from someone else's POV entirely. eg that of a minister of the Church of Murphy who has to attend at the condemned cell in the hour before execution, and who is amazed at the fortitude of this Josiah Martin, who has been illegally preaching personal responsibility. You could then have it end something like "Blame Murphy for your troubles in ending up here," I urged. "Return to His embrace." The prisoner shook his head sadly: "I can't. I am a Christian."

Looking at a wider issue, I wonder if a problem is you've written this to make a point, whereas I would write it to tell a story. I sometimes slide social commentary into my stories, but first and foremost I want to be an entertainer, but (from my perspective at least) you can't shake loose of your vocation as spiritual/moral teacher and teller of truths. That's not a problem in itself, but if you're letting the message be dominant over the story it becomes something of a polemic, and you're less likely to achieve success when it comes to voting, I think, if that is important to you. Think of the parables, and Aesop's fables, and even something like Pilgrim's Progress -- the message is wholly tied up with the story, but each story works in its own right as a story.

So the moral of this is -- for every tale needs a moral! -- you perhaps need to be a bit more devious in dressing up the message.

 

[Hugh]

I liked your story enough to include it in my list of possibles. I thought it was ingenious but in the end just a bit disappointing, so it did not get into my voting territory. The focus of my difficulty was the last line not because it mentioned the Christian word, but because it seemed over-abrupt, and did not flow as easily as the earlier lines. I assumed you’d run out of words. I might have preferred something like “He tried to explain:...”. I like the second paragraph. I like the first sentence. I think “After….fault” could be clearer in order to link with the last line more effectively.

(Please note, as I’ve said elsewhere, I’m not a writer….).

 

[Phyrebrat]

Parson- I just wanted to add that adding a Christian element or bias would not cause me to dislike a story, or preclude it from my listing.

pH

 

[Joshua Jones]

I tend to agree with TJ and TDZ. As you know, the Christian component is far from offputting to me, but I think either of their suggestions would tighten it up significantly.

If you went with the news story angle, one thing you could do to connect it to historical persecutions is to have the ending line be something like "Also in entertainment news, the Kardashians...". At least to me this would imply that his execution (and possibly his trial) are a public spectacle, rather than just judiciary proceedings. And I think we both know what that refers to in Church history. Not sure if the connection would be as meaningful to a non-Christian audience (perhaps some other members can illumine this), but at least to me, that would have been a huge boost to the story. The other way you could go is to say something like "His body will be illuminating Park Street tomorrow evening."

For the POV switch to the other side, if done well, this could be extremely powerful. Personally, I think the best POV would be either from an individual in the crowd for his public execution or an inquisitor with the Cult of Murphy. The former could illustrate Tertullian's famous quote, "the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church", while the latter could illustrate the stubborn unwillingness to consider personal responsibility (I visualize it ending with a quarantine order, as his ideas are dangerous and contagious).

Overall, though, I thought it was a great idea. It was one of the more unique approaches to the theme, and made a good point. I just think the delivery could be enhanced a bit.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Parson- I just wanted to add that adding a Christian element or bias would not cause me to dislike a story, or preclude it from my listing.

pH

So long as it doesn't have a cat, that is. Does that mean you may be prejudiced against an Ancient Egyptian mythology story?

 

[Cathbad]

So long as it doesn't have a cat, that is.

Grrr

Anyway, I saw the "Christian element" in the story, but I don't know why anyone would have a problem with that (says the druid). For me, the story was weak in the middle. Hard to do in a 75-worder, but more of an explanation was needed, I thought.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I'm not sure how much humour there is in being referred to in posts merely because I have voiced my subjective preferences.

Okay, so people feel unhappy with me. I can live with that, but I'd appreciate an end to the passive aggressive mentioning of my name. I'm trying to take it in good spirit but it's been a week.

I'm not going to betray my own taste or sensibilities in these challenges to indulge other people's sense of entitlement or expectations, nor would I expect the same from them. We all see things from our perspective - I've peeved off people and for that I'm sorry, but it was from a place of honesty.

pH

 

[Cathbad]

I've peeved off people and for that I'm sorry, but it was from a place of honesty.

??

I can't see you've peeved anyone off - I don't think so, at least. And definitely not me, and I'm probably the biggest Cat-Proponent here!

Hey, we've all got our preferences/likes/dislikes.

Personally, any mention of spiders definitely has to come in a horror story. Nasty things!

And any story using the non-word "alot" is right out of consideration!

 

[Joshua Jones]

I'm not sure how much humour there is in being referred to in posts merely because I have voiced my subjective preferences.

Okay, so people feel unhappy with me. I can live with that, but I'd appreciate an end to the passive aggressive mentioning of my name. I'm trying to take it in good spirit but it's been a week.

I'm not going to betray my own taste or sensibilities in these challenges to indulge other people's sense of entitlement or expectations, nor would I expect the same from them. We all see things from our perspective - I've peeved off people and for that I'm sorry, but it was from a place of honesty.

pH

I apologize if you felt attacked by my post. I meant it as light hearted and amusing, rather than passive aggressive.

 

[The Judge]

Deep breaths everyone!

If members feel upset because another member's preferences don't accord with what they write, well, they need to sit down and have a cup of tea and reflect that we all have to take the rough with the smooth. I don't hold a grudge just because a certain someone said a mere 7 years ago that he didn't like fantasy, poetry or hidden meanings, all of which I was writing by the bucketload at the time, because in my infinite judicial wisdom I rose above the petty meanness exhibited by his pygmy intellect, and I content myself with simply mocking his inability to recognise genius when I write it. (And another tip -- smilies are your friends when making light-hearted comments which might conceivably be read the wrong way. )

There has been mention of last lines having 'oomph' in these stories, as a relative newby to writing 75 word stories I myself wasn't aware this is a requirement. I tend to think of very short stories where all is revealed in the last line as flat jokes - maybe just me

I forgot to reply to this point in my earlier post.

There's no objective "requirement" to have anything in a 75 worder, but there are certain things that are (mostly) recognised as helping ensure an entry is a story not simply a collection of words, and/or help an entry stand out against the competition. Good openings and punchy endings are what I tend to look for, because they're important in first grabbing attention, and then leaving the reader satisfied. "Oomph" doesn't necessarily mean it's got to be a twist ending, or something dramatic or outrageous, but it's got to fulfil its function of being an end, not simply a middle that got cut short.

 

[Danny McG]

I getcha now TJ cheers
Danny

 

[Joshua Jones]

(And another tip -- smilies are your friends when making light-hearted comments which might conceivably be read the wrong way. )

Yeah, I am particularly unskilled in the way of the emoji. In what possible context should one use , , or ? An alien on a beach trip making a weird face? I get in relation to some of my 75 worders...