Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Zoe Mackay]

So there's a few things going on here that I don't think quite work, and I think you're wasting words.

The Last

Why this title? It seems generic, and it doesn't add very much.

Big Ben strikes once. It is time.

Why "once"? I presume you're interested in it being night, but is it worth spending a word? Does "it is time" really add much? Could you use something more impactful?

Nameless, the last mage of the Illuminati takes the phial of magic from within his cloak. The last magic. Distilled for over two hundred years and concentrated into the greatest spell in human history.

"Nameless" seems a bit of a cliche. Does "the last mage of the Illuminati" reveal something more than or different to "the last Illuminati mage"? That would save two words. We could lose the first "of magic" because "The last magic" has the same info. Are "within" or "over" necessary? "The greatest spell in human history" seems wordy. Do we need both "distilled" and "concentrated"?

Could you trade these words for something that gives me a feel for the mage character? Is he excited? Scared? Why is he performing this magic on a public street?

This night would end violence and with it war; the greatest age of enlightenment for man beckoned.

You already had that it was night from earlier, you don't need it again (pick one). Do you need "with it"? "Greatest" feels like hyperbole, and therefore is weaker than "great", oddly. Could strike "for man" and get two more words. Likewise "human".

Behind soft footsteps. Turning, a flash of silver. Blood spills, a mobile phone gone.

And glass shatters.

Why are they soft? Why spend a word here? More than this, I think this ending is weaker than it needs to be - the word limit has caused you to lose the character again, and these sentence fragments don't work for me. "Behind" and "Turning" impart the same information, you could drop the first one. Do we care about the fact that the phone is mobile?"Gone" is weak too. What about something active (snatched? Grabbed? Ripped away?)

The "and" is a bit weird and doesn't work for me.

Overall, it's a nice enough idea, but you've not executed it as well as I think is possible. You could trim unnecessary words and then spend them on getting more character and activity into it, justifying the choice of location, and increasing the power of the language. I don't know that the ambiguity you mentioned is adding very much, either.

 

[Shyrka]

Like Cathbad, I didn't quite get this. For some reason - maybe it was the clock striking - I didn't mentally picture this on street level but on a rooftop, so the mugging aspect didn't make sense. I was envisaging it was some rival, some other interested agent, that interrupted him, so the aspect of a random mugging was lost. That's at least partly my fault but it does show the need to aim for clarity above all else.

The ending lost me a bit too - it felt like you'd run out of words and got very fragmented, something that I know I'm guilty of in these challenges. I wasn't sure whether the shattering glass was the phone or the phial (possibly because the phone is 'gone' rather than 'stolen' or 'taken', as Robert mentioned above.

That, combined with my general confusion of the setting, meant that it came across as interesting but too vague to really grab my attention or provoke an emotional response.

 

[Parson]

I found this an interesting tale, but it was likely to subtle for a person like me. I don't equate Illuminati with magic, but with a group working to control the world through force and coercion so I lost that thread completely. I saw your ending as a very dark ending: evil and violence always win. Personally, that kind of ending does not appeal to me in the least. So, nothing from me as a matter of taste and not as something you "did wrong."

 

[Cory Swanson]

To be honest, it was dense and confusing. I don't think I could have explained what it was about. My favorite 75s are simple enough to be understood on a first reading yet clever enough to spark me. This is not to say that your story was bad. I bet I would have loved it as a 300 worder.

Reading through the 40+ entries and deciding on a shortlist and a vote takes me over an hour, and I carve that out of my already busy day. If it doesn't make sense on the first read, I tend to skip it. I think you tried to pack a lot in there, and most of the time I feel that it makes a 75 feel vague.

Not that I am any good at 75's.

 

[Peter V]

I appreciate all the feedback and constructive criticism. I pretty much have to agree with most of what I am reading and next time will try not to rush. It was by far my quickest 75 from inception to completion (about fifteen minutes) and a few things are glaringly obvious. The use of the word gone, instead of perhaps stolen, now jars with me. Certainly the "And" in the last line does not add to it. Agree dropping "behind" works better but will argue that soft is important - the mugger has got close before being heard.

I believe I have learned a degree of word economy by trying my hand at the 75's, although I clearly did not apply it so well in this case.

Eye opening!

Thank you all

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Like Shyrka said, Big Ben made me think he was going to drop the phial of magic stuff from the top of the clock tower. And then I didn't get the mugging at all -- that whole line was confusing to me, and I was lost.

Excellent points from Robert about the economy of words and the effects of choices.

 

[Mr Orange]

@Peter V, i liked your story, and i got it. to me there was not problem with it fitting in the urban fantasy genre ("a work that is set primarily in the real world and contains aspects of fantasy"). this was close to getting a vote from me and would have gone on my shortlist if i had time to make one. i did have to read it twice to fully understand it, but to me that's okay. any more than twice and a 75er gets discarded.

but... as Robert mentions above, i think you have words in there that you don't need, and that could have been used to add to the story. also the ending probably could have been strengthened and the idea of the spell was a bit vague.

overall a great idea that just wasn't executed quite well enough to get my vote.

 

[Shyrka]

Like Shyrka said, Big Ben made me think he was going to drop the phial of magic stuff from the top of the clock tower. And then I didn't get the mugging at all -- that whole line was confusing to me, and I was lost.

It wasn't just me! Hooray!

 

[Danny McG]

Ditto with me. I thought he was on rooftops. The soft footsteps made me think a flying thing had landed and grabbed him! Confusing

 

[Cory Swanson]

1. I'll start it off for this month. I really loved my story. I shouldn't grumble about two votes and some listings, but I felt so good about this one. What's wrong with it?
   
   Murphy Slaw
   
   1/2 cup mayonnaise
   
   1/2 tbsp lemon juice
   
   1 tbsp vinegar
   
   3 whole Murphys shredded
   
   Dash of salt
   
   Whisk mayonnaise, lemon juice, vinegar, and salt until smooth.
   
   Pick three medium sized Murphys from your hydro-garden. Remember, Murphys are ornery, so wear your gloves and eye protection. Shred them alive for best taste. Should a Murphy bite back, don't panic. Pull the red cord. Your escape pod will arrive on Earth within four months.
   
   

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I liked the clever take on the theme -- we usually have quite a few of those, but yours was the only one this month, I think!

However, there didn't seem to be much story there. It's sort of tacked on at the end, placing the action in an escape pod, but escape from what? Is it escape from a Murphy bite? Or are we escaping from something else and just need to eat?

It's hard (and I speak from experience) to make a real story out of a recipe in 75 words. I think you could have saved some words in the recipe, though:

1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp vinegar
Dash salt

Whisk until smooth.

Pick... etc.

That's saved you 11 words, which could be used to pad some story into it. What that story might be, I have no idea. You might also squeak a few words out of the rest, depending on what your story line is.

 

[Cory Swanson]

I tried, and maybe failed, to imply the following story. You will probably get bitten by the Murphys. At which time, you will need medical attention. You are apparently not on Earth, but some sort of station or asteroid (up to interpretation), probably alone. You will need to get into your escape pod and try to last four months to get back to safety. Thus, everything is SNAFU, like Murphy's law.

I thought I was being awfully clever. Too much work for reading a 75? I know I get the fatigue when I read through them all at the end of the month. Anything that isn't abundantly clear on the first read gets the nix right away. It did, admittedly, cost a lot of words to set up the recipe thing. Each number counted for a word in Scrivener, so 1/2 counted as two words. I didn't know how the mods would count it, so I just pared it down even more.

Now I'm rambling.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Oh, yes, I didn't count the words (I think I did when it was posted, because I happened to be around when there was still editing time and I wanted to make sure the numbers hadn't put you over) but I see now you were at 72, so that's three more you could have had. Good idea to leave room for error with things like that, but it's ok to ask, too, and you had lots of time to spare. (Numbers generally count as one word -- so 10,397 doesn't come out as six words, but one.)

You were awfully clever -- and I did get all of that implied story, but, sorry, it seemed more of a snippet to me. That's entirely subjective, and obviously some people didn't feel that way, because you did get votes.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I liked your story right away, Cory Swanson; I knew from first reading it would get a vote from me (the take on the theme seemed so clever...I was a bit jealous). TDZ has a great point about word count...though I know when we love a story, it seems every word is just right, and it's so hard to make changes.

I'll suggest that, perhaps, if the shredded Murphys had been removed from the ingredients list, the impact of the instructions to pick, and shred live three Murphys would have been really enhanced (I think this could have worked, even though Murphys are an ingredient; it was implied in the title, I think, that at least one Murphy would end up in the slaw).

Shame about the loss of 2 words, through counting '1/2' as two words...a reminder that we can always check with the Mods, when in doubt. I did wonder just a little why this was all being done off-Earth...so maybe some of the extra words could have been used for a little backstory...perhaps mentioning this was a recipe in the Mars Orbiting Institute For Culinary Experimentation Cookbook, or some such. But really, the idea was so clever, and the execution was so good and immediately appealing to me that I'm not sure how much more backstory you really would have wanted. Maybe just a little. But I loved this, well done, CC

 

[Shyrka]

I'd say this is a case of 'close, but not quite there'. The story idea is great and a clever interpretation of the theme, but the last bit doesn't quite capture the 'if anything can go wrong it will' bit of Murphy's Law for me. I think it needed a bit more - a few more ways things might go wrong, but as you rightly point out, that would require many more words. The tyranny of the Word Count knows no mercy...

 

[Phyrebrat]

Sorry Cory, I have some really hardcore criteria when I vote. I'm afraid you hit three of my no-vote criteria: one is if the theme word(s) is used in the text, one is if there's a pun or reworking of the word into a homophone rather than its root meaning, and I usually discount adverts or posters or (in this case) recipies unless they contain a story.

pH

 

[Ursa major]

Warning!


Some of us are able to see even the best hidden of puns inserted surreptitiously in entries by a writer's subconscious. If pushed too far -- for instance by those openly campaigning against levitous members of the family Formicidae -- we are prepared to reveal these puns to the wider world....

​

 

[Cathbad]

And yet, haven't puns been vote-getters?

 

[Zoe Mackay]

I think different people have different criteria on which they judge, and that's perfectly fine. I've been known to drop the odd pun into a story or two myself.

I'm more or less on board with everyone else, I'm afraid - not enough of a story for me. It's also got the problem that the best bit lands at the start (the Murphy Slaw) joke, and you usually want your best bit towards the end. (Or at least the bit with the biggest impact)

 

[Cory Swanson]

With everyone's 'criteria' I'm not sure how anyone wins. I tend to value creativity and a bending of the limits over structure when I vote. That's what I get for growing up with an abstract artist.

But now I sound bitter. I guess I have to be aware when I take a risk that it could backfire. Especially if people are out there with their checklists in hand.

Ultimately, though, I'll agree that the tyranny of the word count probably hurt the story more than anything.