Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Ok, I have to look into this; does anyone have the link to the tudorpunk challenge handy or remember what month and year it was?
 
Joshua, I loved your story - I voted for it! It channeled Calvin and Hobbes. I didn’t know the strict rules on SFF (clearly, as mine fell foul of the regulation) but I’d not change a thing in yours. Whether or not it fits the parameters, it’s a good bit of writing.
 
Bashfull said:
Joshua, I loved your story - I voted for it! It channeled Calvin and Hobbes. I didn’t know the strict rules on SFF (clearly, as mine fell foul of the regulation) but I’d not change a thing in yours. Whether or not it fits the parameters, it’s a good bit of writing.
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Thank you; are you sure you aren't my agent under a pseudonym? ;) Kidding aside, it is always nice to hear someone enjoyed your work. I look forward to seeing you in the challenges soon!
 
Joshua Jones said:
Ok, I have to look into this; does anyone have the link to the tudorpunk challenge handy or remember what month and year it was?
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You can look in the “Roll of Honour” thread and see all of them together in a list. Except recent ones we may not have put in yet.

I should add that I liked Tudorpunk just fine... :p
 
mosaix said:
I wasn’t going to name the guilty party but, sometimes, the truth will out.

The hours I put into ‘Tudorpunk’ and (sorry if I’m wrong about this TJ :) ) I don’t think I got a single vote!
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Hex was kind enough to give me a vote for all my hours of suffering. Thanks again, Hex. :)
 
As this month featured a genre which was foreign to me, and I had no idea what the genre standards were other than "Western with another genre mixed in", I wasn't expecting much from this story. I had several ideas for Weird Western, for Weird Circus/Carnival, and Western Circus/Carnival, but getting all three together was extremely challenging. All this aside, I think this is the first time I have not received a single vote, and only a couple mentions.

What I was trying to do was mix the "Lone Ranger" motif with dinosaur masters, who have enslaved the humans for their entertainment and labor.

Rip it apart, tell me if this should have never seen the light of day, and if there was anything remotely redeeming about it.

Breaking the Chains

Maxwell swung the hammer, striking the spike with his full anger. The pterodactyl masters enslaved him to build the circus’ railroad, while Elena, his wife, was stolen as an “entertainer”.

Someone on horseback with a long coat and wide hat entered the labor camp. Silver revolvers appeared, bullets flew, pterodactyls fell. The tyrannosaur foreman ate the horse, then succumbed to injuries. The figure removed his… her hat, revealing flaming red hair.

Maxwell's mouth fell. “Elena?”
 
I think many of us struggled to get all the necessary elements in our stories this month. That said, I felt your story was almost too dense, crammed with a lot of snippets of information that don't quite gel as a whole somehow. There's a thread of a story there - the rescue of Maxwell from the dinosaurs by Elena - but the jump from her being stolen as an "entertainer" to rescuer was too great. The quotes put me in mind of somewhat less savoury forms of entertainment and I couldn't see how that then segued to her being a revolver-slinging heroine. I also found the bit about the foreman eating the horse a bit random and jarring - it felt very perfunctory and a tad unnecessary - but otherwise it was the leap that just left me wondering whether I was missing something.
 
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I agree with much of what Shyrka has said.

Also, I found the whole thing a bit too weird. Weird is weird but I think the weirdness has to have a modicum of logic to it. Not sure if 'logic' is the right word there.

EDIT: Apologies, JJ if my post seemed to be a bit brusque.
 
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Like Joshua Jones, I struggled a bit to squeeze everything in to this month's challenge. Word count wrangling aside (thanks The Judge for being so patient with me), I felt I had something good here, so any suggestions as to why it didn't seem to stick with folks would be much appreciated.

One of Our Own

“Rest easy, JoBeth,” whispered Ronson. He nodded an’ Mama Jody quit her murmurin’. JoBeth’s corpse sank back to the dirt with a sigh.

Shauna’s tentacles were twitchin’ somethin’ awful. “This demands a reckoning, Ronson.”

Ronson nodded. “’tis only proper. Send an invitation.”

---

He studied the carmine ticket again. VIP. He liked that.

“Chairman Carruthers! Real glad ya could join us!” the hawker called, gesturing toward a red-lit tent. “Shauna’s just itchin’ ta meet ya...”
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Shyrka said:
Like Joshua Jones, I struggled a bit to squeeze everything in to this month's challenge. Word count wrangling aside (thanks The Judge for being so patient with me), I felt I had something good here, so any suggestions as to why it didn't seem to stick with folks would be much appreciated.
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I think we wound up falling into the same trap in different ways. I really like your concept, but I had a hard time following the relationships to figure out who is who and why they care. I assume JoBeth was Ronson and Shauna's sister? Or perhaps Shauna's lover? Or we're they all carni-folk who are looking out for one another? The relationship confusion was the big hiccup for me.

Thank you, btw, for your review. I was trying to do an inversion of the damsel in distress motif, with her not only rescuing herself, but her husband as well, but it looks like I strained credulity a bit. I also inadvertently carried over something from my main work, where the narrator shares perspective with the protagonist. I absent mindedly carried that over, forgetting that this is non-standard. In my mind, because Maxwell was hung up on stereotypes, he assumed she was captured for such unsavory purposes, while the ending was intended to call that into question.

So, thanks for your spot on review!
 
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