Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Cat's Cradle]

Thanks so much for the kind words, Shyrka (and again, thank you for the vote!). And you are very right - at 79 words, I had a clearer story. (And I bet almost everyone wishes they had four extra words each month.) It's nice to hear that the original title wasn't a problem, and was likely better than the second. I struggle sometimes with the choice to either eliminate a bit of awkwardness, or lose an idea. And perhaps I really do need to hold on to my stories an extra day or two before posting. Again, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm no good at critiquing, but I'll say we can always count on your stories being wonderfully written. I think I didn't interpret the storyline correctly in One of Our Own, and I wonder if it's because of the number of characters in the first section? There were four named, I think, and that may have confused my poor old mind a bit; I wonder if there had been only three in this section - JoBeth, as the corpse; Ronson wishing her peaceful rest, and asking for the invitation to be sent, and Mama Jody doing the murmuring, and asking for a reckoning - might things have been a bit clearer? I think a few more Old West terms might have helped with the genre - reckoning is a good one, and I see that ' 'tis', and 'ya' were used, but perhaps they weren't period-specific enough. You had a terrific last line, and after reading your explanation, I think I should have understood the story a bit more than I did. Oy, how do you do reviews every month, Shyrka??

ps - thank you, Peter V!

 

[Shyrka]

Thanks for your kind comments, @Cat's Cradle. I can see what you mean about the title - it was meant to imply the 'family' nature of the carny folk and the need for revenge, but maybe it's a little too perfunctory to do all that.

The reviews are a labour, it's true. I tend to sneak them in during downtime at work but even then they can be a bit of a chore. Whenever I get discouraged, I try to think of how much I enjoy it when other folks review my entries. Also, when you get to do something like my review of @The Judge's entry this month (which I'd argue is far cleverer and wittier than my single-minded review, your honour), it's well worth it.

 

[Shyrka]

And don't get me started on all the folk that wait until the last minute to put their entries in. Three or four a day is easy enough to squeeze in. FIFTEEN is less so!

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Sorry, Shyrka, I wasn't critiquing the title, which is a very good one, and conveys the family nature of carnies (as I understand it) quite well! I copied/pasted it in my critique because I can never remember titles, and that's why it came out in bold letters.

 

[Shyrka]

Sorry, Shyrka, I wasn't critiquing the title, which is a very good one, and conveys the family nature of carnies (as I understand it) quite well! I copied/pasted it in my critique because I can never remember titles, and that's why it came out in bold letters.

Ah, gotcha. Not to worry!

 

[Peter V]

I did like your story and considered it for shortlisting but ultimately felt that it didn't really go anywhere - on the face of it, it was a well-written and pleasantly melancholy story but it lacked a final punch. Her being dead could have been "the big reveal" but I get why it wasn't - it works nicely being told in the matter-of-fact way that it is. The other twist you could have leveraged, the fact that she feeds on life energy, etc., also felt rather diluted - Nate comes across as all rather mild-mannered, not surprised or shocked or infatuated, just quietly accepting of the fact she's taken his life essence. Perhaps that's partly because it's all told 'after the fact', rather than in the moment, but I can't say what I would do to change it exactly - I really liked the mood of the piece and trying to tell it in a more immediate manner might spoil that. Perhaps with a more shocking/punchy last line I would have ranked it more highly.

The casual dropping in of the twist that she was dead was deliberate and I am pleased that part worked for you - it is certainly the strongest part of the story in my opinion. It is interesting though that you thought it lacked a final punch - the revelation that Angeni had "fed" on Nate I thought a reasonably strong ending, although admittedly probably not executed as well as it could have been. As for Nate's reaction - you are correct that he comes across as "mild mannered" because he completely accepts the situation; giving (not that he had a choice) of himself for some personal sacrifice seems worth it when he sees the effect on Angeni. I had hoped this leads at least in part to the impression that she has in some way captivated him but unfortunately the last line does not quite work how I wanted it to. Oh for a few more words!

Thank you for taking the time to give me your feedback Shyrka, it is appreciated.

 

[Shyrka]

Oh for a few more words!

Oh indeed!

 

[Joshua Jones]

Being I didn't have an idea I liked until nearly the end of this competition, I think I did well with 2 votes, several mentions, and quite possibly the most positive reaction from @The Judge one of my entries has ever received. But, I also saw many people note that they didn't get it until the second read through, so I can't help but wonder if I was being too subtle.

What do you all think?

Sir Albert Dragonbane, Dragon-hunted

Sir Albert sprinted away, jewel stowed, enraged dragon in pursuit. Dodging fire blasts, the knight threw his javelin.

Wounded, the reptile collapsed as Albert approached, sword drawn.

“We sense that enchanted sapphire,” the creature laughed. “We will find and kill...”

“You won't.” He swung his sword.


Albert rapped his mother-in-law's door. “Why, it’s Sir Albert, Knight-most-errant. Find a real job yet?”

“A peace offering?” he asked. She beamed as he presented the sapphire.

 

[The Judge]

Hmmm. I really don't think my reaction to anyone's story -- positive or otherwise -- should be a deciding factor in anything, since the number of times I've voted for the winner of a Challenge can probably be counted on the fingers of one hand. So don't get too excited at getting any comments from me when appearing on my shortlist!

However, yes, in my opinion I think it would have helped your piece if you'd made the trick clearer on the first read -- and in fact if it hadn't been for mosaix's comment about it in the Discussion thread I might not have read it carefully enough on the re-read to have noticed it even then (I can be very lazy on re-reads and just glance at stories if I think I've understood them).

Two possible changes to my mind would have made Albert's plan more obvious: (1) the dragon's threat being clearer ie that they will track the sapphire down, not simply "find" it, and (2) the final line being Albert's reaction which would at least hint he's being less than honest, eg smiling to himself as he presents it, and/or "he lied" instead of "he asked" in the previous line, though personally I'd have tried to bring something about the dragon in there to put it beyond doubt.

A few minor niggles while I'm here, in case they're of interest:

• I was initially confused by the fact he's sprinting away and throws a javelin (perhaps "spear" would have been a better word for a weapon?), but there's no mention of his turning around to face the pursuing dragon, so I thought there was another one ahead of him, and wondered what had happened to the one that was in pursuit
  
• I'm not fond of periphrasis for no reason, so "the reptile" instead of "the dragon" grated on me a bit
• to my mind it should be "rapped at" or "on" the door and though I imagine word count issues caused the omission, it still felt wrong
• the mother-in-law's line of dialogue should have been in a separate paragraph to Albert's rapping at the door
• the "She beamed" line should also be in a separate para from his line of dialogue, but to me the final line should really have been his, even without the need to show his trickery

I loved her dialogue though, which spoke volumes about their relationship in so few words, and the trick, when I tumbled to it, was so slyly witty it made me smile. All in all, a neat tale. Well done.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Thank you for your review. My original version was about 150 words, so needless to say, there was much cut from the final. Included in this was the line at the end "He departed, smiling at his deception, as a dragon was heard roaring in the distance. 'I'll tell Alice you said hi.'" So, yeah, I completely agree that it could have been much clearer. I also appreciate now and always any additional suggestions for improvement, and I pretty well agree with all of your thoughts.

One question, though. I was under the impression that "javelin" was synonymous with any Western throwing spear for ground use (as opposed to "harpoon" for aquatic use). But, my training with Western weapons is limited to the three fencing styles and some longswords (the Claymore and hand and a half swords primarily), as most of my focus has historically been Eastern weapons. Am I mistaken here?

 

[Parson]

Hmmm. Unlike the Judge who is a superior critic and I am not. I do regularly vote for the winner. So.... Well, I did not find it overly subtle at all. I knew immediately that he had just signed his mother-in-laws death warrant. I knew what the dragon was implying. As to the javelin, I'm not an expert on weapons either, but I have read a lot of military novels and I believe that you are correct that any Western throwing spear would be considered a javelin. I know they were part of the Roman army's arsenal, so would have to be known in medieval times.

I liked your story a LOT! It was most certainly on my short list. It was not until the Judge pointed it out that the idea of running and dodging dragon blasts and still throwing a javelin is not a likely scenario. When I thought about what I was thinking when I read it I was thinking a useless effort meant to buy time and distance like shooting backwards on horseback which makes slight sense, gathering to throw a javelin likely does not. So that did not factor into my not voting. It actually came down to the fact that there was another story which appealed to me more.

 

[Danny McG]

Once again my word learning improves through Chronicles...

• I'm not fond of periphrasis for no reason,

I've undoubtedly saw this word before but let it bypass me as irrelevant , however I felt obliged to look it up to get the gist of The Judge's comments on the story.

Periphrasis definition: a roundabout way of expressing something; circumlocution

(some knowledgeable 'uns in here! )

 

[Mr Orange]

@Joshua Jones, I liked your story and if I hadn't turned up so late to the party it would have definitely been on my shortlist at least. I understood the trick/twist on first read and also didn't have an issue with him throwing a spear as I read the sprinting as a separate action from the following dodging fire and throwing. The word javelin did throw me a bit and I think spear would have been better. also think dragon instead of reptile. keeping it simple and all.

I agree with TJ re. the para spacing at the end

 

[The Judge]

Hmmm. Unlike the Judge I do regularly vote for the winner.

Which just goes to show who has his finger on the pulse of general opinion among voters here, and therefore is more worth listening to when it comes to these critiques!

One question, though. I was under the impression that "javelin" was synonymous with any Western throwing spear for ground use (as opposed to "harpoon" for aquatic use). Am I mistaken here?

As to the javelin, I'm not an expert on weapons either, but I have read a lot of military novels and I believe that you are correct that any Western throwing spear would be considered a javelin. I know they were part of the Roman army's arsenal, so would have to be known in medieval times.

I have absolutely no experience with weapons at all! But I do know words. A javelin is indeed a throwing spear in Western tradition, and I'd agree with Parson that it's the word we usually use to translate the "pilum" of the Romans.** But though it is respectably medieval (apparently adopted into English in the late C15th) I'd argue it's nowadays mostly associated with sporting competitions, which give it a less than bloodthirsty vibe for modern readers. I think the definition is that it's a light throwing spear, and though I've no idea what is meant by "light" in this context, to me it suggests something that is death-dealing against minimally-covered human skin, especially when many are raining down like arrows, but perhaps not so effective against the armoured hide of a dragon as a single weapon. But perhaps more importantly in a story, to my mind the double-syllabled French-derived word simply sounds less aggressive and deadly than the Germanic monosyllabic "spear" in this context.

But, my training with Western weapons is limited to the three fencing styles and some longswords (the Claymore and hand and a half swords primarily), as most of my focus has historically been Eastern weapons.

Ah-ha! I can see you're going to come in handy for those of us writing about swords in fantasy!!


** interestingly, to my mind at least, Robert Graves had a similar problem when he came to write I, Claudius. In his author's note he confirms that Aircraftman TE Shaw (aka Lawrence of Arabia) suggested "javelin" to translate the German tribes' framea "But I have not adopted the suggestion ... because I needed 'javelin' for pilum, the regular missile weapon of the disciplined Roman infantryman" so instead he used "assegai" as being "more savage-sounding"!

 

[mosaix]

JJ, there's a fine dividing line between grabbing the reader's attention (a must when there are up to 50 stories to be read and judged) and hiding the true subtlety of a story. On the one hand you want to drag the reader in, on the other had you're hiding something from them until the very last moment. As I said in the discussion thread, I almost missed the true meaning of the 'punch line' and only really stumbled across it on a re-read.

Two pieces of advice. First, keep trying. Second, run your story by someone else before posting. Does it have the desired effect? As you've said you cut the story down, in half in fact. It's probably then that a lot of 'meaning' is lost, for lots of us not just you. The meaning is still in the author's head, even when half the story has been edited away. It's then that the use of a 'trusted reader' can reap the most benefit. If the first reaction is a frown (as I've seen on more than one occasion on the forehead of Mrs Mosaix) then what's in your head probably isn't what's on the paper (or screen).

 

[Joshua Jones]

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback and encouragement. All of it is very helpful, and I am planning on incorporating much of it in future stories.

Also, thank you for indulging me in this thread; I know I post regularly in here, and it probably does get taxing. It is extremely helpful to me, though, as I have only been writing fiction for a short time, and I haven't taken a single creative writing class, so these challenges function as my training. The fact that I have done as well as I have, knowing there are many published authors in this forum, honestly astounds and encourages me more than I can say.

So, again, thank you for your feedback!

 

[Hugh]

And I read it several times without getting it. I was even surprised that the story seemed relatively bland compared with your usual contributions. Now all is made clear.

 

[Joshua Jones]

And I read it several times without getting it. I was even surprised that the story seemed relatively bland compared with your usual contributions. Now all is made clear.

Yeah, and I think you weren't alone in not getting it. I am glad my stories don't normally seem bland!

 

[The Big Peat]

I'm racking my brain trying to remember whether I spotted the hidden gotcha at the end with your story @Joshua Jones. I think I did - and I do like that part! But the lead up didn't quite work for me and I think it didn't connect at the time because it felt like too much happening, too easily. One moment he's dodging death then one javelin later the dragon can do nothing but threaten idly as death approaches? That's some javelin!

Speaking of which... broadly speaking and with a caveat that its been a while since I've delved deep into my medieval history books, javelin isn't really a term I associate with the age of chivalry. Not so much as for word association as because it wasn't really a weapon of the period. Maybe that threw me a little?

I liked it though and did consider putting it on my shortlist. And judging from the size of my shortlist compared to other people's, I'm a bit of a grinch...


While I'm here, I'd welcome feedback on my effort. I sat on it a long time feeling it was missing something and while I've got an inkling what it is, I'm curious to see what others diagnose. Thank you in advance!


The Martyr's Fire

“Present!”

Six rifles point at him.

“Last chance.” Sweat beads adorn the officer’s scarlet face. “Foreswear your shapeshifting.”

His head twitches, his mouth opens, his heart hammers.

He forces the word out: “Never.”

Life is sweet but his people need hope. A hero. He can give them that gift. At a price.

“Fire!”

He sags, blood warm on his chin. One last magic. One…

—-

Wings of flame burst from the corpse and the phoenix rises.

 

[The Judge]

I liked it, TBP, which is why I shortlisted it! However, a few things just put me off-balance when I first read it and meant it wasn't among the top three when I came to vote.

Firstly, the "Present!" in the opening line. As a single word it has so many meanings, and I mistakenly read it as "Here I am!" and then had to revise my thoughts when I read the next line. That risk could have been avoided by having the line as "Present arms!" or something, which even if not authentic, would have told me weapons were involved. Although that would still have been ambiguous, since it could have been a guard of honour presenting arms, that ambiguity would have been an interesting one, not a confusing one, I think.

Secondly, I got the wrong end of the stick and thought it was written from the officer's point of view so I was thrown when you take us into the victim's head. You've got the clues of "at him" and seeing the officer's sweat, which the officer himself couldn't have seen of course, so it's my faulty reading that's at fault. Nonetheless, I think it might have helped if you'd made it a tad more obvious we're with the victim. As to which, I wonder if it's a mistake to show the officer's sweat -- it humanises him, that he's doing something he doesn't want to do, but it also divides our sympathy. In a longer piece that nuanced writing is invaluable, but in 75 words, it takes too much focus off the real issue perhaps. When I've done my "sacrifice" stories, I've made the baddies bad, so there's no dilution of horror and sympathy, and to be extra-manipulative I've mostly written them in first person.

First person would also have avoided the ambiguity of "His" in the 4th line since it could have referred back to the officer, and again I found it momentarily confusing. Though you could have made the victim female, we don't know for sure the officer isn't also a woman, so the ambiguity would still have been there at least in part. Avoiding all talk of the officer, and leaving his (?her??) part just in dialogue might have helped there if first person or otherwise naming the victim wasn't an option.

The blood on his chin also stopped me for a moment, as I wondered if he'd been shot in the face! Blood "splattering" or similar might have been a better choice of words perhaps, not only explaining why it's on his face, but also giving more energy to the line which it lacks at present.

And a couple of minor points:

• "Sweat beads adorn" -- "adorn" gives off a nice decorative vibe, wholly out of place here to my mind. Using the less pleasant "beads" as a verb instead of a noun would also have saved a word.
• The "His head twitches" line for me feels to be in the wrong order. I'd have had heart thumping first, as that's most dramatic, then head twitching and lastly mouth opening ready for his "Never" -- and that line might have been better added to the end of the paragraph not in one of its own.

Despite my cavils, I thought this was a good story that was well written, and just needed a touch more polish in my view. I really liked it, and I loved the last line.