Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

Thanks for the feedback. I now think I see where my story feel short. It was more like an episode, entertaining in its own way, but didn't really engage the reader.

 

[-K2-]

Thanks for the feedback. I now think I see where my story feel short. It was more like an episode, entertaining in its own way, but didn't really engage the reader.

That would be one way to put it... Beyond that however, nothing hinted as to why the driver was speeding, or what might happen after. It was not executed or delivered below par, it simply did not get me to think beyond it. Nevertheless, it was still well done.

K2

 

[Hugh]

At minimum, she would be deeply traumatized, if she didn't dehydrate or kill herself trying to make dinner. Perhaps it is my proximity to children her age, but I react pretty strongly to the idea of a child left by themselves.

Maybe the intensity of your feelings re the scenario led you to over-disguise the horror in your story. Reading your thoughts on it is more horrifying than the story itself.

 

[Stable]

Argh, I can't believe how many times I've read this thing without noticing sowing/sewing. That's painful.

Thanks for the lovely comments as well. Especially @Victoria Silverwolf - I don't deserve even passing comparison with Angela Carter but I'll happily take it! Also now I need to track down some Tanith Lee.

 

[Ursa major]

Parson, I didn't have any problem understanding it -- I suppose it's uniquely American

This non-American understood what it all meant -- the words or their context explained it all -- and I didn't even have to dip into my internal dictionary of words I only hear/read in US films, TV shows and books.

 

[The Judge]

Just in case anyone thinks Parson explained his story, I had cottoned on to what was happening with the police car -- OK, it took two reads, but I got there in the end under my own steam! -- but the "cherries" rather amused me, as it sounded somewhat risque on first read!

Anyhow, I really liked the story, Parson, which is why I shortlisted it. I loved the voice and the language, strange as it was to my ears. However, having read Peat's thoughts on it not being dramatic enough and TDZ's and Stable's that it wasn't a story, I now think I read more into it than you intended. I see her doing the 180 degree turn on top of the viaduct -- Joshua, that's a long, high road or rail bridge over eg a valley -- and when the cop has to avoid her and he "flies" past, it's literal, and he actually goes right over the bridge to his death. I thought it was unusual for you to condone murder! Even without that, though, I still like it, since I don't need drama in every story, and it reminds me of catching odd snippets of The Dukes of Hazzard in the dim and very distant past.

Stable, I liked yours, too, hence the shortlisting, even though horror of this kind isn't my thing and I usually avoid such stories -- I think it's because you were actually restrained in the telling of it, without resorting to actual blood on the floor etc. I liked the final lines which helped to make it effective, but I wasn't taken with the thoughts in italics, and if you'd removed them it wouldn't have affected the story, which to me is a sign they should go. But yes, for me the spelling mistake did push it well down in the running for a vote, I'm afraid.

 

[Joshua Jones]

-- Joshua, that's a long, high road or rail bridge over eg a valley --

That would explain why I didn't know what it is... the topography of where I live is absolutely flat. No hills or mountains of any sort. Our highest elevation is 102 ft (31 m) from sea level. So, yeah, we don't have such things...

 

[Joshua Jones]

Maybe the intensity of your feelings re the scenario led you to over-disguise the horror in your story. Reading your thoughts on it is more horrifying than the story itself.

It could be. All those sort of connections are just automatic for me, but I didn't think about the possibility that it may not be thus for others.

Thanks for the thoughts!

 

[The Big Peat]

That is really interesting; thank you for sharing! It sounds like you saw the narrator move from a more omniscient, albeit optimistic, one to a closer and more realistic one through the story, and that contrast really drew you in. Am I basically understanding what you are getting at?

Yes.

Now that's something I never thought about. ---- If everyone else has life and death struggles, a more common story is going to lose in comparison. --- Parson, hopes that thought isn't too pervasive because I like a lot of really common stories and would hate to think about what it would mean for me if they were not written.

That's not quite how I meant it although, on close thought, I think you're right that life and death struggles do tend to overshadow other stories here.

I'm struggling to express what I mean here concisely here. I'd add that I think TDZ's snippet comment speaks for me.

To try again... I think the twists I liked changed my understanding of the story. Your twist didn't, hence it fell down in comparison. I don't think it had to be life and death, but I don't think it was enough either.

And life and death twists don't always work either because...

@Stable - Ultimately that's where your story fell down for me too. The twist didn't make me go "Ooh!", possibly because I've read a lot of "Fairy tales gone dark". I don't really see a lot to critique there other than it not fitting my tastes on that one detail.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I think I understood the intents behind both of these stories.

Parson - I thought your language was really interesting. Different enough I had to think about it, but clear enough I could puzzle it out. Very fun! I felt the same way as TDZ on the story though and didn't feel much emotional peril.

JJ - I believe in statistics rather than synchronicity, but you tested that this month with that timing! Too perfect. (I'm glad I was the first one of our pair for the same reason you mentioned.) I also liked your story on its own merits rather than that coincidence. I enjoyed the opening language and thought it set up a dreamlike fairy tale feeling.

That is kind of what I was going for (that and to get it under the word count!). One thing I thought of as I slept on it is I wonder if this would have been better with in omniscient 3rd that stayed in that voice, rather than close 3rd. I wonder if that would have preserved the language you and @The Big Peat (thanks for confirming my understanding, btw!) enjoyed without the feelings of disjointedness mentioned by others? I could also be more clear what happened to the parents while still preserving the innocence of the protagonist that way. Might be worth playing around with...

 

[Joshua Jones]

@Joshua Jones ; just for the record, your entire piece read to me simply as a child ignorant of what her parents were doing, going about her business (play) not realizing what had happened. Nothing about it was sinister, the fact that she would do all of that on her own would also be natural (very likely neglected to some degree, so tending to be more self sufficient).

As to what her parents had done and what happened, I'd find it difficult to believe that most people in this day and age would not understand that her parents had simply overdosed, for whatever the reason.

In the end, it read as simply the sad state of affairs for too many children.

K2

Thanks for the thoughts, and I am glad you caught the intended meaning. I wonder if the disparity may be related to the heroin issue being a massive issue in some of our contexts, but not others. Where I live, we have overdoses on a regular basis, so it is a familiar thing. But, I don't know that it is as big of an issue on the other side of the pond, and I know it isn't as big of an issue everywhere in the States. Maybe that is why it is obvious to some, but not others?

 

[Joshua Jones]

I would love some feedback too, please and thank you. I woke up with the entire story except for the italics, and I'm still not sure if adding the extra line was a good idea, I keep going back and forth about it.

***

Bloody Ella
Her little knife made gentle cuts, so she wouldn’t mar the material.

Cut, cut, pull. A glove.

Cut, cut, cut, pull. A sleeve.

She giggled as the sowing machine hummed. Her sisters dangled, dripped, and gasped. Finally dressed, she laughed in their raw faces. Who were the ugly sisters now? She tried their old insults on her tongue and savoured the taste.

No fairy, no pumpkin, no slippers, but:

“I shall go to the ball!”

***

I found it interesting that this time I had no votes but quite a few mentions, whereas I had a story recently that had no mentions and 2 votes. So a few people liked one a lot or a lot of people liked one a bit. I don't know which outcome I prefer.

I enjoyed your story, and shortlisted it as a result. I thought it was a facinatingly horrific scene and twist on the classic tale. I did catch on to where it was going nearly immediately (where you mentioned the glove), because the removal of large portions of skin is called degloving, and I thought that was a marvelous play on words. Those two things are what put it toward the top for me.

 

[-K2-]

Thanks for the thoughts, and I am glad you caught the intended meaning. I wonder if the disparity may be related to the heroin issue being a massive issue in some of our contexts, but not others. Where I live, we have overdoses on a regular basis, so it is a familiar thing. But, I don't know that it is as big of an issue on the other side of the pond, and I know it isn't as big of an issue everywhere in the States. Maybe that is why it is obvious to some, but not others?

Drug abuse is common everywhere and worldwide now-a-days. Whether smack or something else, the inner-cities or rural farmlands, I find it difficult to grasp that most people would not understand what has happened once you mention syringes, foam from their mouths and cold gray faces. Past that, let me say this...


To ALL readers of these stories;
I'm urged to pose the question, 'is our own creativity and imagination perhaps getting the better of us?'

I've read in a few cases where the reader (in comments and reviews) has interjected bits into the story that were clearly not there. To some degree the writer wants that to happen so as to not have to describe every spec of dust, yet there comes a point where the reader should read what is written in the spirit and to the degree it is intended, without expanding upon or diverging from it.

That is not posed as a criticism, yet instead something to consider in that as creators, there are times when our own instincts to take an idea and build upon it need to be reined in. By viewing something as a consumer, we are able to view and enjoy it as intended. Doing so will help us to appreciate it for what it is, and also give a fair assessment for what it isn't.

Just a thought...

K2

 

[Stable]

... the reader should read what is written in the spirit and to the degree it is intended, without expanding upon or diverging from it.
...

I couldn't disagree more K2!

Having said that I acknowledge that this is a perfectly sensible viewpoint. Mrs Stable is big into classical music and has told me about the debates between people who believe musicians should play exactly what the composer wrote on the score and nothing more, and those who believe that each musician should interpret the music how they see fit. I see this point as being somewhat similar - for me, once you have put the words out there they are no longer yours, they are the readers' words. There are no incorrect interpretations for the reader. Your opinion would suggest that the author has the final say on interpretation, which is fair enough. (... but I think it's wrong, haha!)

 

[Luiglin]

Hi all, I got a fair few mentions and a vote so overall a good month so no complaining from me. It took a few rewrites for me to be happy with this one. So, did I miss a trick anywhere? Was it obvious enough? Etc. Cheers.

Mavis and Beryl Keep Their Hand In

A ratchet clunk heralded a heartfelt scream.

The foreheads of two plump grey haired figures creased in mutual contemplation. Before them hung a man, an intricate contraption forcing his shoulders and hips in opposite directions.

"Well, Mavis?"

"We've nothing to lose, Beryl. Do it."

Clunk, snap. Clunk, squelchy pop.

"Sorry, ladies," said the Tome of Chronicles adjudicator. "The world record remains sixteen twists."

"Oh dear. Mavis, get the mop. I'll make the tea."

 

[-K2-]

Having said that I acknowledge that this is a perfectly sensible viewpoint. Mrs Stable is big into classical music and has told me about the debates between people who believe musicians should play exactly what the composer wrote on the score and nothing more, and those who believe that each musician should interpret the music how they see fit.

Please let me counter your counter argument a moment. As a reader, that's good and fine. If all you're doing is reading a story for your own pleasure, then I bow to your opinion. However... when reading a piece as "a judge," then we need to look at it for what it is, no more no less.

Yes, you can infer certain things, yet the second you start adding in your own twists and so on, then you're creating. Not simply reading or most certainly judging.

K2

 

[Luiglin]

I couldn't disagree more K2!

Having said that I acknowledge that this is a perfectly sensible viewpoint. Mrs Stable is big into classical music and has told me about the debates between people who believe musicians should play exactly what the composer wrote on the score and nothing more, and those who believe that each musician should interpret the music how they see fit. I see this point as being somewhat similar - for me, once you have put the words out there they are no longer yours, they are the readers' words. There are no incorrect interpretations for the reader. Your opinion would suggest that the author has the final say on interpretation, which is fair enough. (... but I think it's wrong, haha!)

Any piece of art, whether music, imagery or words is all about personal interpretation. If it wasn't then the world would be a very boring place.

I'm often amazed when the reviewers of the 75s and 300s spot something in what I've written beyond what I intended.

Similarly with @Stable's entry it led me onto the Silence of the Lambs. Something I expect that @Stable never intended

 

[Stable]

Please let me counter your counter argument a moment. As a reader, that's good and fine. If all you're doing is reading a story for your own pleasure, then I bow to your opinion. However... when reading a piece as "a judge," then we need to look at it for what it is, no more no less.

Yes, you an infer certain things, yet the second you start adding in your own twists and so on, then you're creating. Not simply reading or most certainly judging.

K2

And yet, how can we judge it without reading it as fully as we can? Without giving the story every chance to interact with all the creative little crannies* of our brains? If we were judging purely on technical merit then you'd be right of course, but we're free to judge a little more holistically here.

*I have crannies, I'm pretty sure some posters here have canyons.

 

[-K2-]

@Luiglin ; I could envision what you presented without any confusion. More so, I could also read into it an untold portion of the story before (that they had been doing this for some time) and what was to follow (that they would continue to do so, be it as a sadistic psychopathic contest or game of no matter).

So your brief 75-word story to me, told a much longer one. Well done!

K2

 

[Stable]

@Luiglin I'm still sore that I didn't come up with the cinders idea.

I really enjoyed your story, by the by. I don't think I'd change a word of it. I see it a a couple of retired old torturers, back for one last Guinness of glory. But the flesh (and bones, and sinews) was weak.