Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Joshua Jones]

Sorry to belabour the issue, but how exactly are you defining "auspicious"? The fact she has the perfect dress for the ball would be auspicious, because it would be a good omen for what is to come, but the ball itself can't be a good omen of anything, surely.

The horror of it isn't a problem, because the genre was open. But again, I can't see a twist here, unless you mean the twist is instead of going to the imaginary ball, she's going to suffer real privation, but I think that's far too remote.

Something like "Mommy and Daddy had used their sleepy-time magic 'jections again, but she'd never seen them lie so still. They were very cold. And she was very hungry. She couldn't reach the cupboard with the food. But she could go to the ball. She danced out of the room." That would take you over word count, so would need pruning, but I think gives the information and avoids any risk of her being seen as the killer.

(Sorry that my responses are a bit broken up; my wife is working and I am chasing my own little Cinderellas...)

I toyed around with something similar for the ending, but between the word count and the likelihood that she would be desensitized to their opioid abuse caused me to lean away from it. I think that is something I struggle overall to portray; people who are hardened to bad situations in a close 3rd or first person narrative.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Ah, I missed the twirl. That is, I saw it, but for me one twirl did not make a twist, not when we're looking at a theme. Perhaps if she twirled out of the room at the end instead of danced that would have made more of it, but I think it would have required a couple of other synonyms in there to make it gel.

As to "auspicious" to be frank I don't think it's a nuance of meaning you're missing, it's the meaning itself. The date of the ball could be auspicious, because the timing is favourable for her, and the start of the ball could be auspicious if she's noticed by all and sundry and whispered about, but the ball itself, nope, I can't see it. Try replacing the word with a synonym -- "the ball was favourable" or "the ball boded well for her" and it doesn't work to my mind, even if she thinks it's a direct line from the ball to living happily ever after. So we'll just have to agree to disagree on this!

Fair enough; at the end of the day, regardless of word meaning, it was the wrong word. No 5 year old would know that word, so it should not be used in a close 3rd of a 5 year old.

And, of course, I did have her "twirl" out of the room in an earlier draft, but I thought it looked like I was shoehorning in the theme, so I picked danced because I thought it would be a little more subtle... looks like that backfired.

 

[The Judge]

What a lovely photo! They look like they're ready to tackle anyone who tried to stop them going to the ball!


As to the desensitisation issue, I don't see that as a problem with her reporting what she sees and feels, she just won't worry about her parents, which in my version she isn't. Try re-writing it and see how it turns out.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I will give it a shot and see how it comes out. Thanks for the suggestions!

Also, if they looked thusly prepared before...

We just spent the last ten minutes fencing. That sword is a waterproof fire sword, btw. Chloe wants everyone to know that.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I saw it as twisty because she's dancing around getting ready to go to the ball while her parents are lying there dead. That was a sufficient turn in itself, to me. I don't know if I considered the twirl or not, but that's a bonus.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I saw it as twisty because she's dancing around getting ready to go to the ball while her parents are lying there dead. That was a sufficient turn in itself, to me. I don't know if I considered the twirl or not, but that's a bonus.

And ultimately, that is what these challenges come down to. My logic was exactly what you describe, but that is not always enough for all. And, neither side is wrong, as writing is an art more than a science. I just have to keep in mind that if I am more overt, I could get both sides. But, I am still learning the balance between a light touch and a sledgehammer.

 

[Parson]

Well, if I might, I would like to know how my story might have been improved. If I were to list weaknesses, the first would be my creative use of twist for a four wheel drift J turn, and then perhaps the language. I hadn't realized quite how inaccessible it was until I asked for a ruling on V8 as one word or two and @The Judge asked me to explain "cherries." But perhaps there's something I'm not seeing:

A Twisted Escape​

Singing with her girls, Rochelle puts her foot on the floorboard. Her 4 banger is rolling flat out at 90 per. Topping the hill she discovers a lurking “Local Yokel.” His cherries flash and his V8 roars in pursuit.

Rochelle growls “I can’t outrun that Yokel. But I’m not paying any flicking fine either!” Six hundred yards ahead, she tops the viaduct, drills her brakes, and twists a 180.

The Yokel flies by doing 105.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

This is one of those situations -- very common in science fiction, by the way -- where an author uses a term I do not know, but which I can figure out from context.

In this case, I have no idea what a "4 banger" might be, but it's obvious it's a souped-up vehicle of some kind. Similarly, I can figure out "local yokel" and "cherries" from the way they are used here.

So, I have no problem with the language. It added to the flavor of the story.

 

[Parson]

A "4 banger" is a 4 cylinder automobile engine, which may or may not be "souped up." But you clearly caught the drift of what was being written. Thank you.

 

[The Big Peat]

Joshua - I liked your story.

That said, I didn't get the twist and I didn't get them being dead. I did like the ornate language use in the beginning - to me it gave the feeling of an external narrator telling a fairy story, and that heightened the contrast with the more prosaic grittier truth. Tbh, that's probably why I shortlisted it.

Also... while I also got sheepish about coming in here every month, I think its probably a good idea to do so.

Parson -

I liked the evocativeness of the language. I can see why others got confused by it - I did the first time - but on careful reading it works. Where it falls down for me it is just felt like a rather tame and undramatic twist in comparison to everything else.

 

[Parson]

I liked the evocativeness of the language. I can see why others got confused by it - I did the first time - but on careful reading it works. Where it falls down for me it is just felt like a rather tame and undramatic twist in comparison to everything else.

Now that's something I never thought about. ---- If everyone else has life and death struggles, a more common story is going to lose in comparison. --- Parson, hopes that thought isn't too pervasive because I like a lot of really common stories and would hate to think about what it would mean for me if they were not written.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Well, if I might, I would like to know how my story might have been improved. If I were to list weaknesses, the first would be my creative use of twist for a four wheel drift J turn, and then perhaps the language. I hadn't realized quite how inaccessible it was until I asked for a ruling on V8 as one word or two and @The Judge asked me to explain "cherries." But perhaps there's something I'm not seeing:

A Twisted Escape​

Singing with her girls, Rochelle puts her foot on the floorboard. Her 4 banger is rolling flat out at 90 per. Topping the hill she discovers a lurking “Local Yokel.” His cherries flash and his V8 roars in pursuit.

Rochelle growls “I can’t outrun that Yokel. But I’m not paying any flicking fine either!” Six hundred yards ahead, she tops the viaduct, drills her brakes, and twists a 180.

The Yokel flies by doing 105.

Like Victoria, I think I got the feel of it from context. 4 banger = 4 cylinder engine (looks like you already confirmed that), Local Yokel = police officer, probably a community one rather than a state officer, cherries = rooftop strobe lights. No idea what a viaduct is, though, but I am assuming it is something that is roughly hill shaped which can obscure a car from view.

For me, I liked it, but I didn't feel a strong characterization in it. Rochelle is kinda there in name only, so I would have loved to see a bit more personality come out. Still, I thought it was a good story. Thanks for entering!

 

[Joshua Jones]

Joshua - I liked your story.

That said, I didn't get the twist and I didn't get them being dead. I did like the ornate language use in the beginning - to me it gave the feeling of an external narrator telling a fairy story, and that heightened the contrast with the more prosaic grittier truth. Tbh, that's probably why I shortlisted it.

Also... while I also got sheepish about coming in here every month, I think its probably a good idea to do so.

Parson -

I liked the evocativeness of the language. I can see why others got confused by it - I did the first time - but on careful reading it works. Where it falls down for me it is just felt like a rather tame and undramatic twist in comparison to everything else.

That is really interesting; thank you for sharing! It sounds like you saw the narrator move from a more omniscient, albeit optimistic, one to a closer and more realistic one through the story, and that contrast really drew you in. Am I basically understanding what you are getting at?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Parson, I didn't have any problem understanding it -- I suppose it's uniquely American -- but I didn't feel there was much of a story there. It fell into the dreaded "snippet" category for me, sorry.

 

[Stable]

I think I understood the intents behind both of these stories.

Parson - I thought your language was really interesting. Different enough I had to think about it, but clear enough I could puzzle it out. Very fun! I felt the same way as TDZ on the story though and didn't feel much emotional peril.

JJ - I believe in statistics rather than synchronicity, but you tested that this month with that timing! Too perfect. (I'm glad I was the first one of our pair for the same reason you mentioned.) I also liked your story on its own merits rather than that coincidence. I enjoyed the opening language and thought it set up a dreamlike fairy tale feeling.

 

[-K2-]

@Joshua Jones ; just for the record, your entire piece read to me simply as a child ignorant of what her parents were doing, going about her business (play) not realizing what had happened. Nothing about it was sinister, the fact that she would do all of that on her own would also be natural (very likely neglected to some degree, so tending to be more self sufficient).

As to what her parents had done and what happened, I'd find it difficult to believe that most people in this day and age would not understand that her parents had simply overdosed, for whatever the reason.

In the end, it read as simply the sad state of affairs for too many children.

K2

 

[Stable]

I would love some feedback too, please and thank you. I woke up with the entire story except for the italics, and I'm still not sure if adding the extra line was a good idea, I keep going back and forth about it.

***

Bloody Ella
Her little knife made gentle cuts, so she wouldn’t mar the material.

Cut, cut, pull. A glove.

Cut, cut, cut, pull. A sleeve.

She giggled as the sowing machine hummed. Her sisters dangled, dripped, and gasped. Finally dressed, she laughed in their raw faces. Who were the ugly sisters now? She tried their old insults on her tongue and savoured the taste.

No fairy, no pumpkin, no slippers, but:

“I shall go to the ball!”

***

I found it interesting that this time I had no votes but quite a few mentions, whereas I had a story recently that had no mentions and 2 votes. So a few people liked one a lot or a lot of people liked one a bit. I don't know which outcome I prefer.

 

[-K2-]

@Stable ; correct me if I'm wrong, yet it reads to me like 'Buffalo Bill' (of Silence of the Lambs fame) making his dress. In this case the twist being a number of things, though what stands out most to me is the 'insults' line in italics.

As to grammar and so on, I'm the last person to ask, or who should answer. As to the theme, I get it (I assume), yet it simply didn't strike me like some of the others. I voted for what was very likely the most straight forward and basic story posted. Others were vastly more 'creative/imaginative.' However, what grabbed me was the simplicity of the one I chose.

So as to the creativity, wit, delivery and so on, yours worked... it just simply didn't grab me as hard as a few others. Nevertheless, well done! Don't ever gauge your work by 'other people's' tastes

K2

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

One technical point:

I believe you mean "sewing machine" instead of "sowing machine."

A small matter, but even tiny things can make the difference when your story is so short.

Otherwise, this was an effectively gruesome variation on a fairy tale, something like those by Angela Carter in The Bloody Chamber or by Tanith Lee in Red as Blood. As you can see, you are in good company.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Stable, yours was a very close second in my voting. Only the sheer enormity of jack's story pushed it over the top for me.

I can't, in this instance, claim that the typo was a deciding factor ("sowing"), but it's a good idea to be sure your story is clean.

I think perhaps the last two lines were a bit light. I can't think of a better example at the moment, but I'll see what I can do when my brain is working.

Still, it was a masterpiece of imagery and my favorite kind of dark horror.