Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[mosaix]

Hi @The Scribbling Man. First, well done for entering the challenges.

This is just my opinion.

It’s a nice piece of prose but it doesn’t appear to be a story. Does it have a have a beginning, a middle and an end? It should have all of that as well as meeting the theme and genre.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

^^ That's a fair point. I guess it's more of a "scene" than a "story". Without much familiarity for the format, I felt that trying to convey a scene/moment and hinting at further context would work. It's actually derived from a larger piece of writing, and I tried to see if I could compress it right down. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

 

[Hugh]

I thought it was atmospheric but I didn't really get a sense of what was going on.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@The Scribbling Man, I often struggle to get a story told in 75 words. I find it comes down to having a firm hook in mind and getting to that conclusion in an economy of words. One trick I have found is that dialog seems to allow more plot time than descriptive text. 75 words really fights my inclinations to explain and describe things to death.

 

[mosaix]

@The Scribbling Man, I often struggle to get a story told in 75 words. I find it comes down to having a firm hook in mind and getting to that conclusion in an economy of words. One trick I have found is that dialog seems to allow more plot time than descriptive text. 75 words really fights my inclinations to explain and describe things to death.

Totally agree with you about dialogue, @Wayne Mack.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

Thanks all. This is helpful.

 

[therapist]

Before I dive into the next 75 word challenge, I would like to put my last 75 worder up on the chopping block. Where did it go wrong? How would you improve it? etc

Or not to bee

The wasp flailed, struggling to escape the water. Rolling waves—from the swimmer—battered the wasp against the pool’s edge as it fought for purchase. It clung to the gap between slick tiles; another swell dunked it back in. More flailing. More drowning.

The human spotted it, approached slowly and scooped it up. Relaxing. Breathing.

‘Claire! That’s not a bee!’

The swimmer flinched in fear, slapping the wasp's frail body back to its watery death.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Small technical point: The dashes in the second sentence are distracting. It's like "from the swimmer" is set off from the rest of the sentence, as if it's much more important. I would either leave those three words out entirely (let the reader figure it out), or just say "rolling waves from the swimmer".

Otherwise, it's well written, with some effective images. What makes it less than a winning work, I think, is that it's just an anecdote rather than a story, without a real point. If the point is to compare the wasp's fear and the human's fear, this doesn't come across very strongly.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

A bit late to the game for @The Scribbling Man, but I would echo what the others have said about your entry seeming more a scene, than a story. But the writing was some of my favorite in that Challenge - I thought it was very well written. My only other caveat was that I wasn't 100% whether it hit the genre or not - I went back and forth on that. But it's got great atmosphere, and it's one of those where I'd like to know more (you mentioned it was part of a longer work; the genre I'm sure is clearer in the longer piece).

And @therapist, I really enjoyed your story, too! A good, fun title started things off, and was followed by an interesting story that packed a lot into 75 words. I think the only failing was genre; I bet this would have received listings if it hit the genre bullseye (I would have listed it), and perhaps even some votes. One quick, small thing about the intro:

The wasp flailed, struggling to escape the water. Rolling waves—from the swimmer—battered the wasp against the pool’s edge as it fought for purchase...

I think 'wasp' may have been repeated a bit early here. Maybe the second usage could have been replaced with 'creature' or insect'. Small thing, though.

I would say really well done, both of you, as I believe these were each of your first Challenge entries. Don't be discouraged, hit the genre a bit harder... try to make sure you've got the theme in there, too, and keep up the good writing, CC

 

[therapist]

I would either leave those three words out entirely (let the reader figure it out), or just say "rolling waves from the swimmer".

Thanks for the feedback, that makes alot of sense. And very interesting take on anecdote vs story. Will consider that for my next entry.

I think 'wasp' may have been repeated a bit early here.

Thanks for the kind words. And you have underlined a recurring bad habit of mine that my writing group constantly points out to me. Hopefully that is the last reminder I need!

 

[The Scribbling Man]

A bit late to the game for @The Scribbling Man, but I would echo what the others have said about your entry seeming more a scene, than a story. But the writing was some of my favorite in that Challenge - I thought it was very well written. My only other caveat was that I wasn't 100% whether it hit the genre or not - I went back and forth on that. But it's got great atmosphere, and it's one of those where I'd like to know more (you mentioned it was part of a longer work; the genre I'm sure is clearer in the longer piece).

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words! Everyone's feedback has been helpful and I think probably affirmed some suspicions I had.

I certainly meant it to hit the genre, but I can see now I wasn't explicit enough. The longer work is an unfinished novella which I have temporarily put aside while I focus on another project. Maybe at some stage I will share some of it in the feedback forums...

 

[Wayne Mack]

@therapist, I think your entry was well written, but I did not feel it hit the genre. The scene describe seemed like an everyday occurrence and I am guessing that it was an intended pun between the title "Or Not to Bee" and the line "Claire! That’s not a bee!" For me, however, this was not enough of a hook. Well written scene, but I just didn't feel a sense of wonder.

 

[therapist]

@therapist I am guessing that it was an intended pun between the title "Or Not to Bee" and the line "Claire! That’s not a bee!"

I should've named the swimmer Toby.

But yea fair point. I agree, there is no sense of wonder, or genre. I remember when I wrote it I forgot to adhere to the genre, and only submitted it because I thought maybe it loosely fit.

 

[Parson]

@therapist .... Your entry was interesting. But for me the main thing it lacked was genre adherence. I guessed it was supposed to be "horror" for the wasp. I had a hard time buying that in an insect. Also if the genre you were aiming at was "horror" the tone of the story didn't fit that genre for me.

 

[paranoid marvin]

In general I would say don't ever be disheartened by a lack of votes. It takes a few months of practice to get the hang of creating an entry that captures both the genre and theme, yet at the same time is an interesting and (relatively) rounded story - all within a handful of words. And you will also get a sense for the kind of things that help to attract votes and shortlistings.

therapist - there's some great description in your entry and you were able to build a considerable amount of empathy for a creature that usually receives none. As has been mentioned, it probably wasn't near enough to the genre to qualify for some people, and I was a little confused as to why things may have turned out differently if it had been a bee rather than a wasp? But nevertheless the quality of writing shines through.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Scribbling Man, sorry I'm a bit late with a reply to this. I agree that it lacks the cohesion of a story; however there are some really good bits in there, in particular the opening paragraph which was really strong about evoking a fear of dread and the unknown. If you'd kept the rest of the tale within the confines of what was happening there and then, it had the potential to be a great entry.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my Feb 2021 entry, reproduced here, in its entirety, for your convenience:

Say No More

The wizard regarded the solemn plain. A pale sun poked through low gray clouds and laid dim shadows across the brown, lifeless expanse.

His master had warned him, but heed? He did not. Into the onyx depths of the orb he cast the spell—words he long came to regret.

Woe, the power of a misspoken phrase. Time moved on and left him behind. Alone, he abided an end that would never come.

Thanks!

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I thought it was nicely written, but it didn't really stand out from the crowd. The ending lacked the punch I felt was probably intended.

It's tricky. I think many of the hallmarks of the fantasy genre can make it a challenge to be successful in such a short word count.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I too would appreciate any thoughts on my story:

Embrace

First, Mallory left me; broke me, then begged I let her return. We’d flirted with theurgy, but I toyed with a notion: the power to refuse. Hurt her as she had hurt me.

If I had said, "Yes. I love you. Come back", would she have dragged me down, or I have pulled her up into the infinite?

I know not, save that the guilt only grows, as she lies in the arms of demons.

A couple of mentions, but no votes. Similar to last time, I think. I tried to be more deliberate in telling a story rather than conveying a scene this time, but maybe it didn't sparkle enough to stand out.

 

[Edoc'sil]

@JS Wiig - I found myself wanting to know what he said, I couldn't glean it from the content of the story.

@The Scribbling Man - I think you were right, it didn't really hit the challenge of fantasy. I asked myself lots of questions, but found myself not really caring about the characters. I.e. What is Theurgy? What did he refuse? Are they both dead?

I think your scope was too big again, or maybe it wasn't, but it just didn't tug at my heart strings effectively.