Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Hugh]

The one thing I don't like is the word 'Kneels' on its own but I didn't have enough words to sort it out. I suppose I could have left it out altogether.

I think you could have left it out. I'm not sure why you bothered with it.

 

[The Judge]

Yep, it was a good story, mosaix, which is why it got onto my shortlist.

I've also played around with dialogue-only pieces and I agree they can be very effective, though it's not the first time I've wished you would use indent for the second speaker! It's usually clear enough who is speaking, but for some reason when the lines are all to the margin, and especially when as here they're all short so each bit of dialogue stays on one line, for some reason I find myself skimming the text and I have to force myself to read properly. I'm not sure if it's an eye issue or what, but it doesn't happen with pieces that have exposition/narrative. So take pity on an old woman in future!

Anyhow, more constructively, yes, I found the "Kneels" jarring, like a stage direction and I think it would have been better without. Also, for me there was something lacking in the dialogue -- it felt a bit flat for once, perhaps because of the repetition, and I'd have been happier with some narrative here, giving me something of the setting. More importantly, I guessed the end from the first lines, so although it worked, for me it fell flat in that sense -- I like to be surprised by an ending.

Despite my cavils, though, it was a good story that deserved the attention it received.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@mosaix, I like the theme of the reluctant king and the use of three options (either one or three, never just two) for the new king to consider. Formatting for dialog only tales in posts is a challenge, but I would not spend effort on trying to create a unique format to overcome this.

Your observation on using Kneels as the only dialog tag in the piece is spot on. Perhaps instead, there could have been a pair of introductory tags to introduce the two characters and provide a minor bit of world building to enhance the dialog.

Fitting everything into only 75 words is a major challenge and I think you met it with a fine story.

 

[Provincial]

Hi @mosaix, apart from the ‘kneels’ bit (which was rather jarring and could safely have been left out) this story was perfect. No need for a post mortem. If you wanted to make it more physical you could have replaced the whole line with a short description of everyone in the room bowing deeply before him as one, but that would only have altered the story, not improved it.

 

[Parson]

Knells isn't necessary, but it wasn't that important for me. It certainly wouldn't have meant I wouldn't have voted for the story.

My problem was that I felt like I knew where the story was going from the first line onward. It seemed totally predictable and therefore not as interesting as other stories. Perhaps that's unfair, but that was the deal breaker for me.

 

[Bren G]

My December story (below) had six mentions but goose-eggs for votes. I had hoped its originality and nod to pop cultural phenomenon would've set it apart, but it wasn't enough on its merits. Would love to get some feedback. How did it read? For those it didn't resonate with why? What could I have done to improve it?



The King is Dead?

The man exited the 210 from Memphis, made his way to the Chinese theatre and stared down at his star upon the sidewalk for the last time. 57 platinum albums, 31 films, one billion records sold. Time for a new king. Maybe Gaye, Bowie or Gibb.

He bought a bus ticket for Kalamazoo before ducking into an alley where a light beam pulled him into the starship.

His job done here. Time to rock Betelgeuse.

 

[The Judge]

It was certainly a different take on the theme, Bren, so top marks for that. It didn't get onto my shortlist simply because it didn't enthuse me at all -- it was interesting but not captivating. I don't need to be moved to tears by a story, or roll about laughing, but I want something to excite me a little, something to capture my imagination if not my emotions, or perhaps make me think about larger issues. This was a good workmanlike effort, but for me it just lacked a spark, but that may well be because I'm not that interested in him or his music.

I'm not sure how you could have done anything different, though. The only thing that occurs to me is that the story here isn't really about a "new king" but rather "the old king" even with the references to the other singers, and perhaps if you'd inverted it so the action was seen through the eyes of one of those journeying with him and him passing a metaphorical baton over at the end, with the very last line being the name of the new king, that might have given it a bit more of a lift.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. And always remember that votes are hard to get and the story clearly did resonate with at least six members so you can be justly pleased with it -- there are times I'd have been delighted to get as many as six mentions/shortlistings!

 

[Provincial]

Hi, @Bren G, it’s a fun story, and well written; but I didn’t think it was particularly original. There is a whole media industry based on the life and non-death of The King including some movies which jokingly tap into this part of the zeitgeist, and I personally know two people who believe he is not dead. This makes your plot line quite run of the mill really, especially since I get the impression that ‘taken by aliens’ is a moderately popular theory.

I enjoyed your story a great deal, but it was the lack of originality which persuaded me to vote for a different story. I hope that I haven’t given offence, but I do feel obliged to be honest. Feel free to rip into my story if you like, because it was much more unoriginal than yours. If you are looking for validation I think you should look at the number of mentions you got, far more mentions than mine received, and treat them as actual votes - it shows the story was well-written and well received. These days genuine originality is extremely hard to achieve.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hi Bren G. I would agree with TJ's comments. Also, a few other quick things:

I wasn't sold by the concept. It might seem silly to say an unusual concept in a SF&F story doesn't seem reasonable to me, but somehow this one just didn't convince (or perhaps ensnare) me. The idea just didn't work for me, though it certainly was unique in this Challenge.

I had an issue with the structure of the first sentence of your story, and I think this took me out of the flow right away, and might have contributed to my not enjoying the story more. I'm referencing the italicized bit below:

The man exited the 210 from Memphis, made his way to the Chinese theatre and stared down at his star upon the sidewalk for the last time.

My first read through I seem to recall thinking this could mean two things - that he was looking at the star for the last time, but also that this was the last time that the star would be upon the sidewalk. Do you see what I mean? I figured out what you must mean, but this tiny moment of wondering about the ambiguity took me out of the story's flow. If you'd re-ordered the sentence like this...

The man exited the 210 from Memphis, made his way to the Chinese theatre and for the last time stared down at his star upon the sidewalk.

...you eliminate the semblance of ambiguity, and I think have a much nicer, more literary sentence.

Yours was a good entry, but for me just wasn't striking enough to make my shortlist. But keep entering!! And the 300 worder is this month, too.

 

[Hugh]

I thought it was good. Maybe I'm a bit slow, but it took me a bit of time to feel certain it was Elvis. I wondered about the numbers of albums and films and felt a bit confused.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Bren G, unfortunately, your story did not work for me. I will assume that you were going for the big reveal pattern and give my thoughts and then a suggestion for a different structure.

One of the problems I have discovered in myself is that when writing, I know the conclusion, so vague hints seem obvious to me. A reader, though, does not have this knowledge and thus requires much more explicit hints. In the opening of the story, I did not recognize any of the details in the first paragraph to help me in identifying either the main character or the time period. The title was more revealing to me. Therefore, I did not get a good hook from the opening. For me, I mostly remember Elvis as the oft parodied Vegas act; that frame of reference might provide better hints to the reader. The final paragraph did nothing to aid in revealing the character as Elvis and could have been omitted entirely.

As an exercise, I suggest rewriting the store in reverse. Start with a title like "Rockin' Betelgeuse" and have a concluding line like "The King is not dead!" Between, walk the reader through a series of blatantly obvious discovery steps. I think that a quite fun story might result.

 

[Bren G]

Thank you all for the honest feedback. It both confirmed a theory or two and illuminated several areas of improvement I had not considered. Such a gift you've given me. Wonderful!

Happy to hear more thoughts if any have them.

cheers

BG

 

[Parson]

Bren, I also saw the ending coming a mile away, but since I'm a Country Music fan the whole "Elvis" is not dead is not an unusual track to take. (I know Elvis=Country? .... But the logic goes this way. He grew up singing southern gospel and in honky-tonks. He recorded in Nashville and ran around with a lot of country singers .... Doesn't make that much sense to me. But hey, what do I know?)

I was also a bit put off by the beginning. It seemed too much unnecessary detail; especially for a 75 word story. On the whole I would count it a solid entry but closer to the middle of the entries than to the top.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my Jan 2021 entry, reproduced here, in its entirety, for your convenience:

‘Till Death Do Us Part

Over the years, the physical pain grew unbearable. With her around, it was manageable. Now, with her gone, it was torture.

He listened to the drip, drip, drip from the bag suspended on the makeshift hangar; saw the needle embedded in the pale, spotted skin.

Dreams slowly replaced the pain: distant memories, a glimpse of what lay beyond. A smile formed.

Finally, into her waiting arms, he escaped.

Thanks!

ETA - sorry, in light of the tie-breaker I’m a bit premature...

 

[mosaix]

I thought it was fine but didn’t fit the genre of SF, Fantasy or Horror.

 

[Parson]

I agree with Mosaix. It missed on the genre. Other than that it was a fine and sweet story. It might be seen as a bit too ordinary, but that wouldn't have stopped me from voting for it. It certainly ticked all the boxes for a story. There was a clear beginning, a middle, and an ending. It left me feeling like I knew the main character, and more importantly for me, I liked the main character.

 

[Wayne Mack]

There was one phrase that threw me off from the whole story, "bag suspended on the makeshift hangar;". I believe you may have intended to use 'hanger'. I immediately pictured being inside an airport maintenance building, which led to confusion in the following lines. I was also confused as to whether the needle was in the she or the he (a his or her arm would have helped). I think there is a touching plot line here, but the wording, for me, was too subtle. Do not be afraid of being too obvious in telling your tale.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I think that at some time or other many of us have been guilty of missing the theme or genre from our entries, or at least not making it obvious enough that they have been followed. It may be a brilliant entry, but without those two qualifications it will struggle to get many votes.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

Hi all. Thanks to those that gave me a mention in the recent challenge. I'd never even thought of attempting to write something as short as 75 words till then, so this really tested me.

I'd be interested in any feedback/criticism people may want to give on my story; what worked/didn't work, what may have (if anything) won a vote, etc.

Intent

In the quiet and the dark he runs; steps sounding in a world of absence, increasing nothing. He dare not look behind, lest doing so doom him to inanimacy.

If there is something beyond, untouched, he will return equipped to rescue; to vanquish all semblance of the dark.

The monotonous clatter is a comfort; the stretch of road curves up into the invisible distance.

Footsteps echo into the night.

 

[JS Wiig]

@The Scribbling Man

I thought it was an interesting setup, but I didn't get a good sense of character or plot arc.

Kinda like looking at a jpeg instead of a gif, if that makes sense.