Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Provincial]

Hi Wayne,

For what it’s worth (my reaction, that is) your story raised a few questions and issues in my mind. Hopefully you won’t mind if I scribble all over your story...?

Wolf Evolved


“It is time,” rasped the head of the pack. TIME FOR WHAT?

“Why now?” asked the beta.

“We cannot go down the path of our cousins, the canines. We now know and understand and Man is not our friend.” THIS DIDN’T ANSWER THE BETA WOLF’S QUESTION, so the story looks disjointed, and I still don’t know what the alpha wolf was proposing.

The alpha wolf looked at the pups playing at his feet. His snout shot up, sniffing the air.

“Run!”

The smoke billowed in. Embers popped. The tree sap boiled. The pack tried to run. Too late. HOW DOES THE FIRE RELATE TO THE ALPHA WOLF’S DECISION THAT THE TIME HAS NOW COME? Something to link the first line to the last paragraph might help.

If, in the first paragraph, the alpha wolf is proposing that the pack should run because he can smell fire, then in paragraph three the wolf is suggesting that dogs would run towards a fire rather than away from one. That makes some sense, since a dog would associate fire with friendly humans and food. That would also mean the beta wolf is just saying that he cannot smell any fire yet, and the whole story makes sense. But because the alpha wolf doesn’t answer the beta wolf’s question properly the story loses its way and the fire doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what happened in the first three paragraphs. We never find out what the wolves are talking about.

If I have guessed the meaning of the first line correctly, the only thing I can suggest that might possibly improve the story is if you changed the third paragraph so that the first line is explained in it and the beta wolf gets an answer to his question. Just to make my meaning clear, here is an example of what I am suggesting:

“Can you not smell the smoke? Fire is not our friend, and nor is Man; we are not dogs.”

However, I believe that you had something more deep and meaningful in mind when the alpha wolf says ‘that it is time’, in which case my example won’t do at all!

Nevertheless, I still think your main problem is that third paragraph, if your story actually has any problems at all... Hope that is useful, Wayne!

P.

 

[Provincial]

Would it be possible to have some feedback on this 75-wonder, please?


A Meeting of Minds

“We choose now”, said Mother-of-all.

“The facts are known.

“The Eye Above, despairing, has turned to hate. She conjures demons to consume the land and blinds us with the smoke of her burnt offerings.

“Rain betrays soil, scouring our homelands with first flood, then drought.

“Beneath our feet the land dies - and we with it as, one by one, the invaders harvest us.

“The bees have gone before us.

“Do we follow?”




Ii was inspired by the news of the 400 elephants found dead in the Okavanga Delta reserve with their tusks still attached - deaths suspected to be caused by a virus which might be able to spread to humans, which is what made it news.

It is supposed to be a meeting of psychic elephants’ minds, in which they have to decide whether or not to meekly follow the bees into extinction (or whatever it is that has been happening to them) in response to climate change, environmental degradation and poaching. Stories never sound good when you try to explain them, do they!

My story failed. How can I improve it?

 

[Parson]

@Provincial .... I did not understand your story at all. I think it was the lack of reference points/context. "Mother of all," "the eye above," and "the bees have gone before us" seemed to come out of left field for me and I didn't find the structure on which to build them.

I think it is instructive that you felt the need to add what inspired your story. Once I had that bit, it began to make sense. I still wouldn't have followed the bees bit, until I read paragraph two of your explanation. If I had known those bits I might have felt like I do now that the story has real emotional pull.

I'm not sure how to fix your story. But there are better story tellers than I who might come by and hep out. But if you could have found some way to actually name what you were aiming at I think it would have helped. ie "the elephant matriarch" instead of "mother of all" or "Do we follow the dying bees" instead of "The bees have gone before us. Do we follow?" On the whole, it's my opinion that with only 75 words we cannot hint at things unless they are crystal clear to most people. While the wordsmith in us might love "mother of all" if we can't give a lot of context plain language is almost always better. Maybe what you needed to do (perhaps you did?) was to let someone else read your story without giving them the background and see if they figured out what was going on.

I'd say that the idea had real promise and I very much liked the flowing prose, I just didn't understand what you were getting at.

One last thing .... I would not agree that "My story failed." The only true failure is not to try. Your next story and whatever you write next will be the better for trying. So their is no failure on your part. And don't count success and failure by votes and mentions, they are the frosting on your writing, but they are not the cake.

Peace,

Parson

 

[scarpelius]

@Provincial
For me is the lack of veracity.
Even after I read your explanation about elephants, bees and extinction, still does not make more sense.
Animal kingdom is governed by instincts, not intellect. Animals do not debate, they do not have the luxury/curse of a reasoning brain, they just react.

I do ofc, understand it is a metaphor, an allegory for climate change and all the above, but truth is that in the grand scale of things it does not really matter what happens to elephants or bees, another species will evolve and take their place. The real tragedy of every story of this type is the fact that, we the humans, we might not be around to witness the ascension of the newly born species.

Coming back to the story, it seems a dialog between 2 or more entities. But, almost each dialog line is declarative, entities are not discussing, they just state facts. This confuses me, because a dialog should have parties arguing/agreeing on the subject, instead everyone is having a neutral position. Also, your story starts with a question which suggest that involved parties needs to agree on the course of action and it does not end with a resolution, it ends with a rhetorical question. This leaves the reader in a state of incertitude.

The theme of the challenge seems to be implied in your story "it is too late to flee to save ourselves" but given the above lack of action, I feel that your story did not reach the point where I can clearly recognize the element which defines the uselessness of any action.

 

[jd73]

Would it be possible to have some feedback on this 75-wonder, please?


A Meeting of Minds

“We choose now”, said Mother-of-all.

“The facts are known.

“The Eye Above, despairing, has turned to hate. She conjures demons to consume the land and blinds us with the smoke of her burnt offerings.

“Rain betrays soil, scouring our homelands with first flood, then drought.

“Beneath our feet the land dies - and we with it as, one by one, the invaders harvest us.

“The bees have gone before us.

“Do we follow?”




Ii was inspired by the news of the 400 elephants found dead in the Okavanga Delta reserve with their tusks still attached - deaths suspected to be caused by a virus which might be able to spread to humans, which is what made it news.

It is supposed to be a meeting of psychic elephants’ minds, in which they have to decide whether or not to meekly follow the bees into extinction (or whatever it is that has been happening to them) in response to climate change, environmental degradation and poaching. Stories never sound good when you try to explain them, do they!

My story failed. How can I improve it?

Personally, and I have not seen this one before, I think your strengths are in your voice and clear visualisation of events. What do I mean? I mean your writing voice is highly lyrical and imo it would be a terrible shame if that ever got lost. In terms of story events, it is evident you have a single idea and arc going on. I didn't necessarily know it was elephants but from the "bees" line I figured it was some lifeform, probably a familiar earth one. Your command of language is excellent; phrases like "rain betrays soil" stand out for me because it's just three words, yet in that simple metaphoric personification, "betrays", so much is conjured up - intent, devastation, and in that very poetical way. You've achieved brevity but at no point have you sacrificed voice, which is something I do see happen a lot (in general, not really speaking about the other entries as ... I must confess I have not read them for that month )

In terms of what didn't work, there is one SPaG blip in line 1 (the comma and the closing " should swap places) and I guess maybe one or two clues about the elephants might help to ground readers otherwise it might land a bit too vaguely and noncommittally with them. But apart from that? Not a lot. For me, this would have been at least a short lister. Ultimately this is the challenge. It's 75 words. There's pressure on what can be easily done and while you may not please everyone with your output, there are undoubtedly those that it will gel with.

 

[Matchu]

Hi @Provincial

As people said it didn’t ‘fail.’ I disagree about ‘animal intelligence.’ Strictly speaking, dear poster is correct, but there is a long tradition of us sapiens anthropomorphising elephants. Gosh, hope I was rigorous with that...

Two or three cow/tusk type adjectives, maybe a bull kind of word in your ending...and it’s a cracker...and a clear setting of scene in the build....even, even coat the entire thing in elephant...mmm?

 

[Provincial]

Thanks @Parson, that was encouraging and illuminating. I am taking your suggestions on board, they make perfect sense: 75 words is too few in which to be anything but plain and direct, basically.

 

[Provincial]

Personally, and I have not seen this one before, I think your strengths are in your voice and clear visualisation of events. What do I mean? I mean your writing voice is highly lyrical and imo it would be a terrible shame if that ever got lost. In terms of story events, it is evident you have a single idea and arc going on. I didn't necessarily know it was elephants but from the "bees" line I figured it was some lifeform, probably a familiar earth one. Your command of language is excellent; phrases like "rain betrays soil" stand out for me because it's just three words, yet in that simple metaphoric personification, "betrays", so much is conjured up - intent, devastation, and in that very poetical way. You've achieved brevity but at no point have you sacrificed voice, which is something I do see happen a lot (in general, not really speaking about the other entries as ... I must confess I have not read them for that month )

In terms of what didn't work, there is one SPaG blip in line 1 (the comma and the closing " should swap places) and I guess maybe one or two clues about the elephants might help to ground readers otherwise it might land a bit too vaguely and noncommittally with them. But apart from that? Not a lot. For me, this would have been at least a short lister. Ultimately this is the challenge. It's 75 words. There's pressure on what can be easily done and while you may not please everyone with your output, there are undoubtedly those that it will gel with.

Thanks @jd73, very encouraging. It sounds like I need to focus on the story rather than the emotions in a 75-worder in order to satisfy my audience, no matter how it might hurt; for a poem one might expect the audience to dig a bit, but not for a bit of flash fiction. I suppose it illustrates the shortcomings of the medium in a way, but on the other hand it shows what the medium can teach people!
Thanks for pointing out the grammar blip, too. I’ll have to watch that one!

 

[jd73]

Thanks @jd73, very encouraging. It sounds like I need to focus on the story rather than the emotions in a 75-worder in order to satisfy my audience, no matter how it might hurt; for a poem one might expect the audience to dig a bit, but not for a bit of flash fiction. I suppose it illustrates the shortcomings of the medium in a way, but on the other hand it shows what the medium can teach people!
Thanks for pointing out the grammar blip, too. I’ll have to watch that one!

I'd say focus on the event (story) as well as the emotion. But - what is your aim here? To win the 75 worder? To write the perfect nanofction? To stretch yourself?

 

[Provincial]

Hi @scarpelius,

Thanks for your feedback.

Unfortunately it seems I really did miss the boat with you, didn’t I! Sorry!

Just to clear up a few points:

The story isn’t supposed to be a documentary. Science and politics aside, this is a Science Fiction and Fantasy forum, so I assumed everyone would be quite on board with psychic elephants. Did you also have a problem with the previous story on this thread, in which wolves talk to each other? If so, you might want to adjust your expectations a bit.

Neither is it a metaphor. It is a straight up the line tragedy, but since you didn’t understand the story at all you can’t be expected to have taken that on board.

Nor is it a dialogue. Only one person is speaking, as is meant to be indicated both by the fact that only one speaker is introduced, and by the fact that the speech marks are not closed (after the introduction) until the end of the story. It seems that not only is my story telling too indirect, but my written grammar is also too complex! Thanks for the heads up!

You are, of course, entirely correct in saying that the story leaves the reader in a state of incertitude. If the reader had known what I was referring to they would have already known the outcome: 350 - 500 elephant corpses scattered around the reserve. That is also how they would have known it was a tragedy, and that of course is where my story fell down. No-one had any idea what I was waffling on about!

Thanks for taking the time and trouble to respond.

 

[Provincial]

I'd say focus on the event (story) as well as the emotion. But - what is your aim here? To win the 75 worder? To write the perfect nanofction? To stretch yourself?

To stretch myself, and to have fun. I had enormous fun writing the story, but to stretch myself I also need to get feedback. Surprisingly, it has also been a nice experience to get the feedback, as varied as it has been. And since I am free to accept or ignore people’s opinions as I choose, it has been quite empowering!

 

[Provincial]

Hi @Provincial

As people said it didn’t ‘fail.’ I disagree about ‘animal intelligence.’ Strictly speaking, dear poster is correct, but there is a long tradition of us sapiens anthropomorphising elephants. Gosh, hope I was rigorous with that...

Two or three cow/tusk type adjectives, maybe a bull kind of word in your ending...and it’s a cracker...and a clear setting of scene in the build....even, even coat the entire thing in elephant...mmm?

@Matchu, you are my kind of mad man. Coat it with elephant? Bull kind of words? Are we talking bullsh*t here? Bad boy!

You’re right though. I could at least have said the word ‘elephant‘ once!!!

Thanks for the feedback. Fun, and helpful.

 

[Matchu]

My God, no. I mean, that would be kind of funny...I was thinking more of a ‘full blown’ [hoh] elephant story. You might be the ‘elephant guy’ one day. Really, I’m wading Blindly into swamp marshes here.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@jd73, @Parson, @TheEndIsNigh, @Matchu, @Provincial Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate the suggestions and I hope to incorporate them into future writings. I certainly do not find truthful observations to be picky. I will also attempt to pay it forward with observations of my own.

* Edit. Corrected next to last sentence to include crucial 'not'

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Provincial, One of the issues I often have is trying to do too much in the context of a short tale. Given 75 words, it is difficult to determine what to include and what to omit. Some things to consider:

* Introduce the main character(s) at the start. There is no indication to the reader that this is intended to be some sort of hive mind of elephants.
* Identify different voices by adding speaker tags.
* Be a little more direct and less flowery in describing the situation.
* Add more drama to the conclusion. What exactly is being discussed and decided?

There is a powerful concern underlying this story and I hope you keep refining your style to better bring that to the forefront.

 

[Provincial]

@Provincial, One of the issues I often have is trying to do too much in the context of a short tale. Given 75 words, it is difficult to determine what to include and what to omit. Some things to consider:

* Introduce the main character(s) at the start. There is no indication to the reader that this is intended to be some sort of hive mind of elephants.
* Identify different voices by adding speaker tags.
* Be a little more direct and less flowery in describing the situation.
* Add more drama to the conclusion. What exactly is being discussed and decided?

There is a powerful concern underlying this story and I hope you keep refining your style to better bring that to the forefront.

Thanks @Wayne Mack, I was hoping you would review my story since I reviewed yours.

You have summarised neatly the lessons I have taken out of the comments people have made (except for the one about speaker tabs, since there was only one speaker!) and it’s good to get this synthesis because it shows that the reactions given are common and reasonable (even the one about speaker tabs!).

Thanks to everyone who commented, I really appreciate your input.

P.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I was hoping you would review my story particularly as I reviewed yours.

Added as inline comments.

A Meeting of Minds

“We choose now”, said Mother-of-all. [Who exactly is Mother-of-all? Who is she addressing? What choice is to be made?]

“The facts are known. [Is this the same speaker?]

“The Eye Above, despairing, has turned to hate. She conjures demons to consume the land and blinds us with the smoke of her burnt offerings. [Who is the Eye Above? Why has she turned to hate? What demons has she conjured? Why is she despairing?]

“Rain betrays soil, scouring our homelands with first flood, then drought. [Is this done by the Eye Above?]

“Beneath our feet the land dies - and we with it as, one by one, the invaders harvest us. [Who is speaking? Who are the invaders?]

“The bees have gone before us. [To where did the bees go?]

“Do we follow?” [If things are so bad, what is the alternative to not following the bees?]

I am not sure whether to read this as a monologue by a single speaker or as comments from various speakers.

 

[Provincial]

Added as inline comments.



I am not sure whether to read this as a monologue by a single speaker or as comments from various speakers.

You aren’t the first to be thrown by the format, and it is fair comment.

Thank you for the detailed breakdown of issues, it was extremely useful.

I wasn’t sure if you actually wanted answers to your questions or whether you were simply highlighting the problems in the text, but just in case I have answered them below. Feel free not to read them!

Mother-of-all is the oldest of the female elephants, the one who leads the herd (as it is in the real world). Effectively the title is an honorific, but it is also probably literally true: all the other elephants are likely to be daughters, granddaughters etc. of hers. She is addressing all of the other elephants in the herd. The choice to be made is laid out before the herd in her speech, and she is the only one speaking throughout.

The eye above is the sun. The despair and hate are poetic references to global warming: the elephants are experiencing increased temperatures, and interpret it as the sun hating the world. The demons are bush fires. The floods and droughts are the effects of climate change. The invaders doing the harvesting are human poachers, killing them for their tusks.

As to where the bees have gone, who knows? Hive collapse syndrome, or whatever they are calling the phenomenon of millions of beehives suddenly having almost no bees in them, is still being researched. Presumably the bees have died whilst they were flying around outside, because they don’t find their corpses inside the hives, but it was suggested in Dr Who that they are simply leaving the planet because they don’t like it here any more!

For the sake of dramatic interest I have assumed that the bees have somehow left Earth, that the elephants are also able to access their means of transport (physical or spiritual) and they have to choose between leaving the world they have always known or just giving up the struggle and dying. I don’t lay the choices out in detail because I wanted to leave the reader free to choose how they interpret the situation. However, ultimately it doesn’t matter what the options are in the story, because in the real world they just died, falling forward on their faces and staying there. The actual cause remains unknown.

 

[mosaix]

I was quite happy with the response to my story this month, but it fell a bit short of votes.

Personally, I like dialogue because, for me, the stories tend to write themselves and are always (hopefully) self-explanatory.

The one thing I don't like is the word 'Kneels' on its own but I didn't have enough words to sort it out. I suppose I could have left it out altogether.

Anyway here it is:


Reluctance.

“There are some tests you must pass before becoming King.”

“I don’t want to be King.”

“But think of the rewards.”

“They mean nothing to me.”

“Think of the power and influence.”

“I don’t want power or influence.”

“The wealth then.”

“I have everything I need.”

“My Sovereign!” Kneels. “I kneel to our new King.”

“I told you, I don’t want to be King!”

“You have no choice, Sire. You passed all the tests.”

 

[Peter V]

I was quite happy with the response to my story this month, but it fell a bit short of votes.

Personally, I like dialogue because, for me, the stories tend to write themselves and are always (hopefully) self-explanatory.

The one thing I don't like is the word 'Kneels' on its own but I didn't have enough words to sort it out. I suppose I could have left it out altogether.

Anyway here it is:


Reluctance.

“There are some tests you must pass before becoming King.”

“I don’t want to be King.”

“But think of the rewards.”

“They mean nothing to me.”

“Think of the power and influence.”

“I don’t want power or influence.”

“The wealth then.”

“I have everything I need.”

“My Sovereign!” Kneels. “I kneel to our new King.”

“I told you, I don’t want to be King!”

“You have no choice, Sire. You passed all the tests.”

I agree with your use of dialogue to tell a story and like it. I used the same technique for my entry.

I also thought it was a very good idea but you are spot on with the "kneels". It was unnecessary as the character mentions they kneel and this mentally associates the action with the statement. Your use of kneels felt more like I was suddenly reading the script from a play and it jarred a little and was the only reason I did not at least list your entry. It sounds fickle and I apologise but when trying to keep a list as concise as possible it is sometimes the tiniest of details which can be used as a differentiator.