Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Mon0Zer0]

@Astro Pen must admit, I didn't get it. What were you referencing?

 

[Hugh]

I'm afraid I didn't get it either. I assumed that Rymann and Schmitt were in on the scam, but I did think there was something significant I was missing.

 

[Astro Pen]

The bicycle smuggler.

The parable of smuggled goods - BikeBiz

Border Crossing A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while c

www.bikebiz.com

(Valenkoff was smuggling stolen shuttles. )

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Astro Pen, sorry, but I completely missed the point of the story. Even after seeing the explanation, I don't see the leap from the words to the intent.

 

[Astro Pen]

Hmm. I thought it pretty obvious that if he leaves every night as a passenger in someone else's shuttle and arrives back each morning in "his own" the dots aren't too hard to join.
But I was, apparently, wrong. Lesson learned.

 

[The Judge]

I was another who didn't twig what the story was about despite reading it closely several times, but having read your post above about the bike smuggler I have clicked, and it is a clever idea -- the fact that Valenkoff is only a passenger in a shuttle departing at night means the shuttle he landed that morning has been left behind. And since the theme was trickster, so we should have all been looking for the trick**, you did give the clues necessary to solve the puzzle. Had I worked this out for myself, your story would definitely got on my shortlist.

So if your plan was to bamboozle everyone, you can congratulate yourself on succeeding! However, if your aim was to write a story which people could appreciate and applaud, then I think you missed a trick by not making it clearer. And I know you don't want a critique, but to my mind you effectively wasted word count by including bits which weren't relevant and served only to distract -- red herrings are fine, but they shouldn't be allowed to obscure the revelation.

And to be really pernickity, how didn't the narrator spot that every day when Valenkoff landed he was in a different shuttle?!


** without that, another explanation for his being on the shuttle that evening was possible -- ie he needed to be somewhere quickly and his own wasn't working for some reason. We're not given the info that he's departing on someone else's shuttle every night.

 

[Astro Pen]

Okay thanks everyone. That was interesting. The problem clarified. I just needed to know where it went wrong.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hey, Astro Pen - one other thing to consider (I'm not sure if this has been mentioned)... I'm not sure how most people read the stories. Some might read them as they're posted, then read them again for voting. Some might read the stories only as they are voting... there might be other options.

I'll mention that I read your story three times when I was going to vote, because I could not figure it out. I'd guess we average 35-40 entries each month, and I'd guess there may be a fair number of people who read the stories through only once, when they are voting. 35 stories is a lot to get through, and it's a lot to ask of people, that they re-read a story to try to get the finer meanings of the author's work. (Not that you've personally asked them to re-read, but when a story isn't reasonably clear on first reading, if you want votes/mentions, it's asking them, in effect, to re-read when the meaning seems difficult to grasp.) I'd think it likely that, as busy as we all are, there are times when people read a story once, and if they don't get it right away, move on to the next in line, while excluding the last story from voting consideration.

When I first started entering, I hadn't understood that what's obvious in my story to me isn't always going to be obvious to everyone else. I struggle to make my stories clearly understood, because I understand that my 75 words usually have only one chance - one moment - to impress a person who will be voting. I think your story was interesting, and I did wish I could have understood it on my first readings, but even with your explanation, I struggle to see how I could have understood the full intent of your piece on a single read without any foreknowledge of the story's twist.

Maybe when you write a story for the Challenges, put it aside for a few days after you finish, then take another look at it. I'm amazed sometimes that, even to me, my own stories don't make all that much sense, when looked at after a bit of time. I'm not meaning to seem overly critical - I was intrigued enough by your entry to re and re-read, trying to figure out the twist. Okay, enough from me. Best of luck in the coming Challenges, CC

 

[Parson]

Mark me in the camp of the especially dense. I read your story at least four times (At least twice when I reviewed it and at least twice when I voted) and I still was flummoxed. The best I could do was that maybe he was running a trick on the inspectors to drive them crazy. He seemed guilty of something but wasn't. But that didn't ring true either.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Same here . I tried to understand it, but just didn't get it. And even with the explanation, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it!

 

[paranoid marvin]

I would be grateful for any feedback on my story this month also. I am very grateful to marvin for the vote, and one or two other shortlistings, but I'd like to know where I may have gone wrong.

Thanks in advance




The Bloody Banquet


The King guffawed when his wife spat out the onion soup, exclaiming it tasted of boiled socks. But laughter turned to anger upon discovering that his favourite dessert now had the flavour of cabbage.

His fool was dragged before him, and confessed that he'd only wanted to disprove court gossip that the royal family had absolutely no taste whatsoever.

The headsman soon showed him the error of his ways; the other courtiers followed shortly afterwards.

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

@Astro Pen my interpretation was simply that Valenkoff was using someone else's shuttle for all his naughtiness, but only at night when the narrator was off-duty. I didn't get the bicycle theft twist

 

[Astro Pen]

Yeah I thought everybody knew the Bicycle smuggler joke from schooldays and would cotton, but they didn't.
That was my main error. Among others. No worries.

 

[Parson]

@paranoid marvin .... I can't point to anything in your story that was wrong. It had a pun at the end which made me grin, and maybe if that had been the end of the story I'd have valued it more highly. The whole idea of someone losing their head over a joke/pun turns my stomach and so was not inspired to vote for your story.

 

[paranoid marvin]

@paranoid marvin .... I can't point to anything in your story that was wrong. It had a pun at the end which made me grin, and maybe if that had been the end of the story I'd have valued it more highly. The whole idea of someone losing their head over a joke/pun turns my stomach and so was not inspired to vote for your story.

Thanks Parson. I tried to make this into a kind of dark fairy tale, similar in tone to Stephen King's 'Eyes of the Dragon'. I intended the reader to smile at the harmless antics of the fool, but then be horrified by the king's response when he proves the court gossip to be right about him.

 

[emrosenagel]

@paranoid marvin I agree with @Parson . I think it would have been wonderful if it ended on the pun. Other than that, I thought there was nothing particularly wrong with your story. Maybe you could have begun with the execution, making us wonder why they were executed, and then ended with the pun. That would’ve made me chuckle, I think.

(I’m new to critiques, so anyone let me know if I’m being pushy or something. I don’t want to tell anyone how to writes their stories)

 

[paranoid marvin]

@paranoid marvin I agree with @Parson . I think it would have been wonderful if it ended on the pun. Other than that, I thought there was nothing particularly wrong with your story. Maybe you could have begun with the execution, making us wonder why they were executed, and then ended with the pun. That would’ve made me chuckle, I think.

(I’m new to critiques, so anyone let me know if I’m being pushy or something. I don’t want to tell anyone how to writes their stories)

Thanks emroseangel. My understanding of this thread is to give constructive feedback and/or your honest opinions and feelings about an entry. Which is exactly what you have done, so thank you.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

@paranoid marvin

I liked the dramatic irony of the simple minded fool trying to defend his masters from the courtier's gossip, and the play on words / his misunderstanding of "taste".

Areas of improvement:

1. Viewpoint. At the moment it reads like a series of he did this, she did that type sentences. The story, written from the fool's perspective has a nice arc as he tries to prove the courtiers wrong or simply experiment to see if it's true or not - from hearing the gossip to enacting the plan to being found out and beheaded.
   
   Or keep it from the King / Queen's perspective at which point the thrust of the story could revolve around finding out who tainted the soup. Maybe even reducing these to just one character for word efficiency.
   
   
2. Dialogue might help readability and immediacy:
   
   "Ugh! Boiled Socks!" said the Queen, spitting out a mouthful of onion soup.
   
   or
   
   "Ugh!" cried the Queen, smashing the rancid soup bowl on the floor. "Boiled socks!"
   
   
   
3. Sensory detail might help to immerse the reader into the story. If the courtiers meant the king and queen were gauche or Trumpesque, you could insert a little detail to suggest this.
   
   
4. Hook / Punchline needed to be stronger. For example, in a joke style short you could end with the fool, his head on the chopping block calling out to the courtiers:
   
   "I told you they had taste!"
   
   
5. Thematic structure. As it stands you have a natural beginning middle and end, but I think they could be improved by having a clearer idea of the theme you're going for, then you can structure the story so that the central conflict is resolved nicely at the end.
   
   For example, if the central conflict of the story is the Queen unable to get a nice bowl of soup - then she should get one at the end. The status quo needs to be restored. Maybe the queen has a soup bowl fashioned from the fool's skull??
   
   I'm sure you can think of better ways to do it!

 

[Mon0Zer0]

This is the first time I've written flash fiction, so any critique is warmly welcomed! Having to make every word count really makes you think about basic story mechanics, so definitely a worthwhile exercise. Not sure I got it on this one, but onward and upward!

Gold Rush

Prehensile suckers on an unfamiliar keyboard beating a rhythm on its keys. Overhead, orbiting satellites chime in response. A message:

+ MAYDAY MAYDAY + ISS EL DORADO REQUIRES URGENT ASSISTANCE + POSITION: KEPLER-186F + 41°24’12.2″N + 2°10’26.5″E + CREW: FOURTEEN + CARGO: 3 KT UNPROCESSED AU ORE + FULL EVAC REQUIRED +

“Will they fall for it?” asks Tekkon.

“They won’t be able to resist,” replies Konkreet, picking the last of the captain from his beak.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I'm not great at critiques... I know what works for me, and what just misses, almost as a reflex, and it's not always easy for me to wordify that. So, with that caveat...

Hi, @paranoid marvin! I'm fortunate to follow Mon0Zer0's excellent review; I think this line from it is spot on: At the moment it reads like a series of he did this, she did that type sentences. I would like to have seen a bit more closeness to the characters. I thought on first reading that dialogue would have helped. And I feel the last bit about the courtiers could have been left out, thus providing part of the word-count needed for a spoken conclusion to the piece, which could have felt more immediate, and perhaps, stinging.

I appreciated the dark fairy tale aspects of the story; I did the same with mine with the opening line about the deathwatch (the old fairy/faery tales were often pretty brutal, I think). Your story idea was good, and you hit the theme spot on for me. I think the reason it didn't make my lists was basically that it felt a bit distant, and lacked a closeness-to-characters that made it a little less compelling. I've enjoyed so many of your fine stories and poems over the years, and this one felt just a bit beneath your regular quality.

Hey, @Mon0Zer0! I'll say first that I thought your story was quite good, and now that I know it was your first micro, I think it's a terrific first effort. It almost made my lists, but there were so many stories I enjoyed this month that this just missed.

First, I think you were spot on with the theme, good job (I struggle sometimes with theme). These aliens were indeed tricksters. I thought your plotting was just right... a good opening, middle and ending. You had a good, wicked last line, too. Well done there.

There was one thing that stood out here when I was considering which stories to list. It might be a small thing, but there is, to me, what seems to be an internal-logic issue with Gold Rush. It has to do with a few word choices in the first sentence, and how they relate to the SOS message the aliens broadcast, to lure new humans/prey.
It will seem mad, because I am fine with there being carnivorous aliens tricking humans so they can devour them. It will seem as though I am over-thinking things, but this is just what flashed through my mind when I was reading... it's the highlighted part, in the opening line:

Prehensile suckers on an unfamiliar keyboard beating a rhythm on its keys.

With the keyboard... prehensile suckers would likely have a very hard time using a human keyboard, and the alien is said to be unfamiliar with the keyboard, yet it beats out a rhythm (the phrase 'beating a rhythm' to me implies facility and familiarity), and in an alien language whose idioms/technical jargon would likely also be unfamiliar to it. If the alien had been haltingly pecking out a message, so it'd be clear that both the keyboard and the language were new/difficult for it, that would have made more sense to me in reference to the message that was broadcast... which to me seems too perfect. Would an alien be able to write an SOS message so correct in its language that it wouldn't make any human reading the message suspicious?

I had the thought that maybe the message could have contained some glaring grammatical faults, or errors in jargon, that the humans receiving it wouldn't have considered problematic because of the urgency of the El Dorado's situation.

It's strange what gets stuck in the mind. To me, that little bit of a (perceived) internal-logic issue snagged my thoughts enough that the story didn't quite make my lists. But it's a terrific first entry, and a really good story concept. I hope you'll keep entering the Challenges, CC