Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Wayne Mack]

@paranoid marvin, I laughed at the pun and I was even okay with the jester being beheaded, but when the rest of of courtiers were also killed, it felt like too much. I think it worked as a dark fairy tail except for the last half sentence.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Mon0Zer0, I liked the basic idea of your story, but I felt the line of text transmission interrupted the flow. I think when I originally read it, I skipped over it. I think an all caps line with arbitrary characters for separation made it hard to read and the inclusion of position details caused me to stop reading the line. The story reads the same even skipping over most of that text, so I think it could have been greatly reduced and the word count used elsewhere.

 

[Parson]

@Mon0Zer0 --- I found your entry to be unique and interesting. Originality in the 75 is a serious plus. However, I did have a bit of difficulty with suckers and a key board. It was hard to imagine that working to any degree let alone a rhythm, which would imply rapid striking. Secondly, I had to read the message carefully, but I was able to understand it and could buy that form of message given time, power, and the constraints for the trick. My biggest problem was that your entry did not feel like a story to me. It felt like a scene. Where's the ending? Did the humans fall for the scheme? Did they turn the tables? Was Calamari on the menu at the next dinner? Did they want the ship and the humans were just the appetizer? And on and on my questions go.

My overall impression is that you have a knack for this kind of thing and we have some great stories of yours we will all be reading.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Thankyou Wayne Mack, CC and Mon0Zer0 for the great feedback.

With hindsight, the death of the fool alone with a more memorable finish and perhaps told from the perspective of the unfortunate prankster would have been a better way to go.

 

[paranoid marvin]

@Mon0Zer0 --- I found your entry to be unique and interesting. Originality in the 75 is serious plus. However, I did have a bit of difficulty with suckers and a key board. It was hard to imagine that working to any degree let alone a rhythm, which would imply rapid striking. Secondly, I had to read the message carefully, but I was able to understand it and could buy that form of message given time, power, and the constraints for the trick. My biggest problem was that your entry did not feel like a story to me. It felt like a scene. Where's the ending? Did the humans fall for the scheme? Did they turn the tables? Was Calamari on the menu at the next dinner? Did they want the ship and the humans were just the appetizer? And on and on my questions go.

My overall impression is that you have a knack for this kind of thing and we have some great stories of yours we will all be reading.

I pretty much second all of this. It almost made my shortlist.

I would suggest that the first sentence is not needed and could be used at the end to perhaps have a ship contacting those waiting in ambush. Alternatively have it appear to be a genuine human distress call, with the twist being that they're actually man-eating aliens.

As Parson said, it's cleverly composed and inventive, and I too look forward to your future stories.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Thanks for the critiques, @Cat's Cradle, @Wayne Mack @Parson and @paranoid marvin definitely some food for thought there. Very useful feedback.

"what seems to be an internal-logic issue with Gold Rush... prehensile suckers would likely have a very hard time using a human keyboard, and the alien is said to be unfamiliar with the keyboard, yet it beats out a rhythm (the phrase 'beating a rhythm' to me implies facility and familiarity), and in an alien language whose idioms/technical jargon would likely also be unfamiliar to it"

Good feedback on this one. It's not something I'd considered, but now you point it out, it is jarring.

"My biggest problem was that your entry did not feel like a story to me. It felt like a scene."

Agreed, it does read like a fragment, rather than a full story. Plotting is definitely an area I need to work on.

Flash fiction seems like a great exercise for boiling down plots into their essential elements and making every word count. Hope I can improve on it for round 2!

 

[JS Wiig]

@paranoid marvin I’m going to go against the grain here as I found the brutality compelling. You missed my vote because GT had a level up of brutality.

Can’t win fer losin’ with this fickle crowd eh!

 

[paranoid marvin]

@paranoid marvin I’m going to go against the grain here as I found the brutality compelling. You missed my vote because GT had a level up of brutality.

Can’t win fer losin’ with this fickle crowd eh!

Thanks, very true.

On reflection, it was the execution of the fool that proved the king to be acting in poor taste. You may punish your courtiers for perceived disloyalty, but you don't chastise your fool for being foolish.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Not looking for a critique here. As an 'always experimenting' writer I tried to find a balance and it apparently didn't work - at all

Just curious whether people 'got it' or didn't 'get it'.
Was it too in your face obvious or did no one get the reference? :-

Outbound

I knew Valenkoff was a crook, living well beyond his apparent means.
Each morning I searched his landed shuttle for contraband. Upholstery, frame, engine bay. I even used a magnet to check for gold components painted to look like steel. Nothing.

I got a call from personnel.

"Could you work the customs night shift? Rymann is sick today."

"Okay."

22:00 hours. Schmitt's shuttle rolls up for departure formalities.
There, in the passenger seat, was Valenkoff.

No it didn't work for me..

I assume the idea is that Valenkoff doesn't use his own shuttle but gets old Schmitt to ferry him around with his gold.

It didn't work on many levels.

How was it the customs guy didn't realise the Velenkoff shuttle hadn't left - manefests, departure time registration passenger lists of those that did leave/return etc. So the line "his landed shuttle" jarred against the punch line

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

I would be grateful for any feedback on my story this month also. I am very grateful to marvin for the vote, and one or two other shortlistings, but I'd like to know where I may have gone wrong.

Thanks in advance




The Bloody Banquet


The King guffawed when his wife spat out the onion soup, exclaiming it tasted of boiled socks. But laughter turned to anger upon discovering that his favourite dessert now had the flavour of cabbage.

His fool was dragged before him, and confessed that he'd only wanted to disprove court gossip that the royal family had absolutely no taste whatsoever.

The headsman soon showed him the error of his ways; the other courtiers followed shortly afterwards.

I really enjoyed the story and following it unfold, when I got to the last line I was waiting for another twist or turn in a different direction for the climax but just felt like it eneded on par. Good finish nevertheless but for some reason I felt the fool had another trick up his sleeve, or maybe he did? the headsman beheaded a doppelgänger that the fool had tricked and he lives on? haha.
75 words can be tough I know from my little experience trying to take a story where I want to or finish how I'd like to. I always have to cut a lot back and then worry I miss the essence of the story.

Good luck in the next 75 challenge PM

 

[paranoid marvin]

I really enjoyed the story and following it unfold, when I got to the last line I was waiting for another twist or turn in a different direction for the climax but just felt like it eneded on par. Good finish nevertheless but for some reason I felt the fool had another trick up his sleeve, or maybe he did? the headsman beheaded a doppelgänger that the fool had tricked and he lives on? haha.
75 words can be tough I know from my little experience trying to take a story where I want to or finish how I'd like to. I always have to cut a lot back and then worry I miss the essence of the story.

Good luck in the next 75 challenge PM

Thanks for the feedback Lawrence Twiddy. I do struggle sometimes with standard prose, poetry being my usual 'go to' option. But the muse seems to come and go of it's own free will.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

Thanks for the feedback Lawrence Twiddy. I do struggle sometimes with standard prose, poetry being my usual 'go to' option. But the muse seems to come and go of it's own free will.

I think the prose in the story was fine, in fact it was good, was just the climax I was waiting for another twist with the trickster theme is all. I have always enjoyed your poetry in these challenges pm but it is nice to mix up it, its good you have it in your locker to do both.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I think the prose in the story was fine, in fact it was good, was just the climax I was waiting for another twist with the trickster theme is all. I have always enjoyed your poetry in these challenges pm but it is nice to mix up it, its good you have it in your locker to do both.

Thanks, that's much appreciated!

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate and all feedback on my entry for June, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

One in a Million...or not

Ensign Jones stumbled onto the starship’s bridge. Alarms sounded, unheard by the incapacitated crew. Struck by an errant asteroid they plummeted from orbit.

What fate left him the only one standing, he would never know. Everything depended on him now to save the ship.

Trembling hands grasped the helm. Only a fool would think he stood a chance of flying the thing. So he tricked himself into believing he could.

CRASH!

It didn’t work.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I appreciate and all feedback on my entry for June, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

I am afraid that this story never really hooked me and when I finished reading it, I felt, 'So what?' That is part of the challenge when trying to write such short tales. I never really found a connection with the crew or Ensign Jones and did not care whether they survived. I also never felt any anticipation that Ensign Jones would succeed, so his eventual failure did not serve as a plot twist. I think it is a good idea and I am curious to see how it would have read in a longer format.

 

[Hugh]

I appreciate and all feedback on my entry for June, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

For me it was good enough to shortlist, but not for the vote. I thought the twist was original: as I read through it I first of all thought it was a tad ordinary but then enjoyed the last line.

 

[Astro Pen]

I appreciate and all feedback on my entry for June, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

An interesting premise but I felt the delivery was a bit flat. It needed another dimension. It didn't feel visceral.
Writing it first person would have helped that. Not easy in 75 words I'll grant you.
( I shouldn't criticise without trying to write it myself, - may or may not post the outcome . )

 

[Astro Pen]

OK. I've PM'd you how I think it might have been reworked.

 

[Parson]

Hm, Now that I look at your story I can't find anything which waves a red flag. So for me I think it has to do with making me invest in the story. Maybe @Astro Pen is on the right track by suggesting first person. Given the situation the end of the story is obvious and any other ending would have to have some support. But it did feel somewhat anti-climatic.

I did connect with it one level. I've been considering the whole idea of positive thinking. For years I've been more or less sold on the idea that most every success starts with positive thinking, and I still believe it. But lately I've been wondering what else we blind ourselves to when we follow that maxim. We can certainly open ourselves up to patently false ideas like some of those in Think and Grow Rich. Your story kept me chasing that shadowy concept.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Parson the original ending actually had Ensign Jones succeed in saving the ship, but for whatever reason the crash ending made me chuckle so I went with it.

It is interesting to consider, when does positive thinking cross over from being helpful to detrimental?