Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[paranoid marvin]

I did consider whether if it fit the 'trickster' theme, with him tricking himself. Also I think that you could have left out quite a bit of the descriptive text and used those extra words to build up the possibility that he might save the ship. Perhaps have the captain encourage him, or his father's voice to fill him with confidence.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I would add that you did the right thing by choosing him to fail; it wouldn't have had the same impact if he'd succeeded. And it was an imaginative spin on the theme.

 

[AltLifeAStory]

Hello everyone! Looking to get your feedback, what are your thoughts?

The Binding

BOOM – lasers blasted against our ships, destabilizing the shields. The Grand Policing Force continued ruthlessly firing shots towards us, determined to utterly destroy the insurgents. With immediate conviction, I gazed towards her cockpit, “We have to try.” As if reading my thoughts, she began to transform her ship, as did I. The ships contorted, beautifully locking together, and became one. Shocked, I smiled, reveling at how we finally Binded.

It was time to fight back.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

@AltLifeAStory - Hello! I don't know about anyone else, but the most difficult thing I find about these 75 worders is trying to tell a complete story that feels finished.

At the moment your story feels unresolved. Although your unnamed protagonists have joined forces, it hasn't tackled the initial event which triggers the story - the attack by the Grand Policing Force. The last line feels like a prelude to the next part of the story, rather than an ending.

This might just mean a tweak to the last line to imply that the GPF would be no match for their combined forces.

Another area of improvement could be the introduction of conflict - a barrier to them achieving the character's goal of binding.

Your story is currently structured

1. GPF attacks Protagonists
2. Objective - GPF need to bind together to fight back.
3. GPF bind together.

There's no barrier to the Objective. For example, you could have centred the story around the binding itself, and implied the GPF attack, rather than showed it - focusing on the binding itself.

e.g.

0, (Implied) - they're threatened by GPF.
1. MC needs to bind with Other ship to repel GPF.
2. Something is stopping them - internal or external threat (it's too dangerous to bind / a GPF ship in the way / Other ship pilot scared to bind).
3. They overcome the threat and bind.
4. (Implied) Now bound, their victory in the wider battle is assured.

or something like that! Hope that's useful.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Hello everyone! Looking to get your feedback, what are your thoughts?

A few thoughts.
There are a few sentences that seem inconsistent or not entirely logical. I'm sensitive to such lines.
For example: "With immediate conviction, I gazed towards her cockpit," I think 'gazing' and 'immediate' don't really go together very well.
Also: "Shocked, I smiled," If explained well such a combination might work, but me personally never smile when shocked. Besides, this protagonist was strongly wishing for it to happen, so why be shocked?
Little things, perhaps, but in a Challenge these things can make or break a story. It does for me anyway.

Another thing is the unnecessary use of words. For instance, "It was time to fight back." It does sound a bit tame. But "Time to fight back!" would have saved you 2 words and made a much stronger, telling, statement.

 

[JS Wiig]

@AltLifeAStory I enjoyed the piece. It was one that didn’t necessarily strike me initially, but stuck with me and I ended up going back to it.

It did not make my top five list for the reason @Mon0Zer0 outlined: it didn’t quite have the feel of a complete story with beginning, middle and end.

 

[DanielOwen]

Hello everyone! Looking to get your feedback, what are your thoughts?

I thought you could have saved yourself a few words here and there, and probably made some sentences a bit stronger doing so. Here's a rough edit to show what I mean:

BOOM – lasers blasted against our ships, destabilizing the shields. The Grand Policing Force continued ruthlessly firing shots towards on us, determined to utterly destroy the insurgents. With immediate conviction, I gazed towards her cockpit, “We have to try.” As if reading my thoughts, she began to transform her ship, as did I. The ships contorted, beautifully locking together, and became one. Shocked, I smiled, reveling at how we finally Binded.

It was time to fight back.

You could easily have saved a couple of words by giving the Grand Policing Force a punchier name.

When your character says "We have to try." it seems as though they are speaking, presumably by radio (or scifi equivalent), but then the reaction is "as if reading my thoughts", which made me stop in my tracks and go back to make sure I'd read it right. You could also have used some kind of context for why Binding hasn't been done before - is it difficult, dangerous, permanent? Why is it a desperate measure?

Finally, I felt as though the main relationship in the story was between two ships rather than two characters - the ships bond, but the characters' relationship doesn't feel properly revealed or explored. Not that this is necessarily off-topic for the challenge, but it left me with two relationships, neither of which felt fully realised instead of a strong sense of one.

You have a very cool idea, for sure; it just came across as a little unpolished and unrealised to get my vote. Plus there was some very stiff competition!

 

[AltLifeAStory]

Thank you all for the great critiques. Here are my takeaways from your input.

@Mon0Zer0 The comment on helping the user feel like the story is a complete experience is important. Instead of making a "trailer", it is important in this context to make a full experience. The comment on focusing on the binding at as the main conflict of the story is a fantastic insight. Super helpful. Takeaways are to focus on the most interesting conflict and to furnish a complete experience.

@Elckerlyc The comment on the word choice resonated with me. Creating believable word choice so that the reader can get into the mind of the character and not lose immersion from confusion is so valuable. Visualizing the character while writing helps to avoid mistakes with unbelievable reactions. Using less words to convey information shows security in the writing as long as it is clear. Takeaways are to be more confident in conveying information without being wordy and convey believable reactions.

@JS Wiig Thank you for the positivity lol. I feel like the thing I'm most proud of is the idea; however, turning an idea into a strong story is an important skill to learn. Also, thank you for reinforcing Mon0Zer0s comment so that I will pay special attention to wrapping up a conclusive story.

@DanielOwen Not using words just to fill a word count makes a ton of sense and I appreciate reinforcing this. Your editing also spawned a conversation with my friend which showed me how much information was in my head and not in the writing lol. The comment on being confused on whether or not a statement was in the head of the protagonist is an important insight to consider. Your questions of the Binding are fantastic and help show me that others do not have the same picture in mind as my own. The insight on how the relationship between the characters was distanced from the story is very useful. Takeaways are ask others to proofread to see what is and isn't being conveyed, clearly distinguish thoughts from speech, give the user context on why this event (the Binding in this case) matters, and make sure that the focus (relationships between the characters in this case) is clear, explored, and satisfying.

Takeaways
1. Create a complete experience
2. Focus on most interesting conflict
3. Be confident in conveying info with less words
4. Ensure actions & reactions are believable
5. Ask someone to proofread
6. Clearly distinguish thoughts from speech
7. Contextualize the importance of the event
8. Focus on the focus of the story

 

[mosaix]

Thank you all for the great critiques. Here are my takeaways from your input.

@Mon0Zer0 The comment on helping the user feel like the story is a complete experience is important. Instead of making a "trailer", it is important in this context to make a full experience. The comment on focusing on the binding at as the main conflict of the story is a fantastic insight. Super helpful. Takeaways are to focus on the most interesting conflict and to furnish a complete experience.

@Elckerlyc The comment on the word choice resonated with me. Creating believable word choice so that the reader can get into the mind of the character and not lose immersion from confusion is so valuable. Visualizing the character while writing helps to avoid mistakes with unbelievable reactions. Using less words to convey information shows security in the writing as long as it is clear. Takeaways are to be more confident in conveying information without being wordy and convey believable reactions.

@JS Wiig Thank you for the positivity lol. I feel like the thing I'm most proud of is the idea; however, turning an idea into a strong story is an important skill to learn. Also, thank you for reinforcing Mon0Zer0s comment so that I will pay special attention to wrapping up a conclusive story.

@DanielOwen Not using words just to fill a word count makes a ton of sense and I appreciate reinforcing this. Your editing also spawned a conversation with my friend which showed me how much information was in my head and not in the writing lol. The comment on being confused on whether or not a statement was in the head of the protagonist is an important insight to consider. Your questions of the Binding are fantastic and help show me that others do not have the same picture in mind as my own. The insight on how the relationship between the characters was distanced from the story is very useful. Takeaways are ask others to proofread to see what is and isn't being conveyed, clearly distinguish thoughts from speech, give the user context on why this event (the Binding in this case) matters, and make sure that the focus (relationships between the characters in this case) is clear, explored, and satisfying.

Takeaways
1. Create a complete experience
2. Focus on most interesting conflict
3. Be confident in conveying info with less words
4. Ensure actions & reactions are believable
5. Ask someone to proofread
6. Clearly distinguish thoughts from speech
7. Contextualize the importance of the event
8. Focus on the focus of the story

Although asking others to proofread is useful, it can pay dividends just to put your story in a draw for a few days then take it out and reread it with new eyes.

Sometimes you’ll find that you didn’t write what you thought you wrote.

Also, if a story is told in, say, 69 words don’t be tempted to pad it out to 75 just for the sake of it. Sometimes, less is more.

And, as others have said, make sure it really is a story and not just a piece of well written prose.

Welcome to the Chrons and welcome to the challenges.

 

[DanielOwen]

Hello everybody,

I'm pretty new here and still getting the hang of it all, but would love some feedback on my 75. I'm always up for critique and happy to be torn apart in whatever ways you all see fit.

Story as follows:

Immortal

Everyone could be immortal, yet I am the only brain in a jar I know. The only one!

No sleeping, crapping, puking, bleeding (for the sensations I fire the appropriate neurons as per drinking, flying, screwing, etc); nothing but time to work, research, plan. Nothing at all.

True, you can't hold anyo- anything, dance or jump or sweat, but Simularity exists for a reason. It's nearly the same. I don't miss y- it.

I don't.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Hi @DanielOwen

This was a difficult one for me. Reading it, I'm trying to work out if it's a complete story, or not.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the theme of the story is self deception and loneliness. The brain-in-a-jar is trying to convince itself that it doesn't miss being embodied and isn't lonely. That's a great kernel for a story, but I think it suffered by trying to tackle both, rather than focusing on one or the other.

As this is effectively a question driven story, your opening needs to deal with who, where and what they're doing straight away. You've felt with the first two, but the last part takes up the next two paragraphs which might have been better reserved for the conflict.

There is conflict between how the brain really feels and the lies it tells to itself. The way this is expressed is by implication, through the self-corrections is really neat. Nice use of subtext. But I do think if you had started by focusing on the question of loneliness or the loss of body in the opening then you could have introduced a more visible area of conflict in the second "act" of the story.

There is resolution to the story, but, because he brain is aware of his self-deception, it feels uncommitted to the lie and therefore feels weak.

Overall though, I think it just feels a little unfocused, and you need to set up the conflict sooner and resolve it stronger.

 

[JS Wiig]

@DanielOwen I thought it was an interesting take.

However, I felt too much was implied and not specifically stated. The brain is in denial about a former relationship, but with whom? And why?

Perhaps the second paragraph could be used to focus more on that relationship, rather than the I felt, unnecessary bodily function descriptions.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I had no problem with your story. In fact, you were on my shortlist.
What I read was a story about a brain-in-a-jar who is now struggling with the, perhaps unwise, decision to be 'jarred', without being ready to fully admit it. All the pro's that were so clear before are now being overshadowed by the cons he had failed to recognize up front.
I saw enough internal struggle to consider it story and well told too.

As @JS Wiig said, "I felt too much was implied and not specifically stated." On the one hand implying is better than telling, if done well. But there is always the risk that when too much remains unclear different people will read different things into your story and their votes will reflect that.

 

[DanielOwen]

Thank you so much for the feedback, really interesting to see different people's views.

@Mon0Zer0 you're absolutely spot on with the themes, that's exactly what I was shooting for. I tried to push the idea of loneliness and isolation in the first line (the only one!), but I can see I might have missed the mark with it a little. Tried to do too much under the surface, maybe, and that's always hard in something so short. I guess the lie is supposed to be weak and therein imply the struggle, but I can see how that leads to it not really feeling committed and lacking impact. Great insights, thanks!

@JS Wiig You're so right about the second para. I laboured that bodily stuff way too much and wasted a bunch of words that could have been much more on-theme. I see it now. Definitely should have done more to bring the actual loss of the relationship into focus. Thank you!

@Elckerlyc Really appreciate the shortlisting, and I'm very happy you liked it. You've nailed the story, right on what I was attempting. I can definitely now see ways I could have been clearer and maybe made it a bit more accessible. Thanks!

I'll be taking forward the need to be clearer, more accessible and not lean so much on implication. Also, a bit more focus on the actual topic and less getting distracted by practicalities that aren't necessarily that relevant.

 

[Parson]

@AltLifeAStory .... I would agree with much that has already been said.
--- It didn't feel like a complete story.
--- The action was confusing. An all out battle with a police force doesn't sound like something insurgents would be doing. They would be more likely be fighting the military. (Picky and not impossible, I know, but that was my take.)
--- Also the communication (is that the right word?) between the two pilots didn't seem planned. It might have been better to have named the maneuver so that it could be seen as a last ditch effort for success.
--- Embarrassingly, the maneuver reminded me of a TV skit (Sat. Night Live?) where a female ship shaped like an elongated oval gets rammed by a cigar shaped male ship followed by a lot of post-coital "jokes." So I kept wondering if that is where you were going. That idea didn't help my evaluation of the story at all.

----------------

@DanielOwen .... Put me in the category of those who didn't feel it was really a story. It seemed more like a description of the state of being a jar-brain than anything else. The idea of the brain trying to convince itself did not occur to me. I saw the jar-brain as editorializing to an unconvinced audience. I think you had a great idea, but I felt it needed a lot more work to make it a gripping story.

 

[DanielOwen]

@Parson Yeah, I'm definitely getting that I needed to be more on the nose; I was obviously way too murky about it all. If I missed you with the whole point of it, then I fell wholly short there. Very useful to know that; it seemed super obvious to me from the authorial position, but looking back I really needed to be clearer. I'll try to be more explicit with my idea next go-round. Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know what you think!

 

[Wayne Mack]

@AltLifeAStory, I felt there was a lot hinted at in this story that was not able to be fully developed. This is a problem I struggle with in the 75 worders -- parsing down the plot line. The biggest issue for me, though, was I find it somewhat implausible that if the two captains could readily defeat their attackers, why did they wait to join their ships until after being attacked? Other areas that were left undeveloped were: the rationale for the conflict (as a result, I had no rooting interest for either side), the description of the two ships melding, and the weapons capability of the joined ships. I think any one of these aspects, by itself, would constitute a 75 word story. Having all three meant none were able to be deeply addressed. Such is the challenge of micro-fiction.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@DanielOwen, I think you had a really poignant concern here, but I felt it only got slightly touched on in the final paragraph. I wonder if the second paragraph could have been totally scrapped and the word count used to really drive home the feeling of loneliness and isolation.

Note: I am perfectly okay with a story presenting an open-ended question for the reader. I find it interesting to be presented with a situation and then left to figure out the consequences on my own. That may be a minority opinion.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Looking for feedback and suggestions. My primary concern is that the dialog flow does not feel smooth, but I am at a loss as to what to do better. I will acknowledge that this is all set up and no conclusion -- I'm not sure whether that means it constitutes a story or not.
-------

The Clone​

I sat next to Samuel Junior across the desk from the lawyer.

“That’s why it was made,” said the lawyer.

“But I have raised ‘it’ for twenty-three years, from a single cell.”

“You need the transplant,” he said. “It’s just a clone. A duplicate set of organs.”

“But he might die.”

“Do you want to live?”

I looked at my clone sitting beside me.

“Can I say no?” the clone asked.

“Will you say yes?”

 

[DanielOwen]

@Wayne Mack you're right on about the second para; I should have binned most of that and done more exploration of the real subject matter. Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated!

Re: Clone
I think you can cut the first two lines of dialogue totally. It's just characters telling each other things they already know. In fact, I'd say lose the first three and a half paras and insert the lawyer and desk in the fourth. You can reveal that the character has named his clone after that to give it more impact in contrast to the lawyer's dehumanisation, something like:

"It's just a clone," said the lawyer across the desk, "a duplicate set of organs."

“But he might die.”

“Do you want to live?”

I looked at Samuel Junior sitting beside me.

“Can I say no?” he asked.

“Will you say yes?”

That would give you quite a few words back to use to either add character or reaction via description, or develop the story a little more.