Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Chris 1978]

Hey guys hope you are well. I'd love to hear what you might have to say about my 75 worder:


The Coward Lord

The coward lord dares not to fight, blade hidden midst his fears. He’s not been in warriors stead since ‘fore the peaceful years.

He wars with shadowed demons and rules behind his crest, wears brazen gilt and warrant pomp to shield his hollow chest.

Whence battle came laid down his sword, they did not strike him down. The coward fought himself that day and saved our wretched town.



A bit of background on it, I started it a few days into the challenge. It came out pretty quick one afternoon, mulling over some different lines and whatnot. I had a version I was quite happy with but not completely, I came back to it a few times with some improvements (I think) over a couple of days and then put it up. I think I edited it a couple of times after posting it too. I also felt that writing a poem was a bit of a cop-out but its my first outing so I forgave myself!

The overall Idea was to convey the sense of a misunderstood legend. That some legends are fighting battles we will never know about.
The piece is written from a semi ignorant village persons perspective. I hope that it was understood that by not fighting the enemy who came to attack and instead choosing to find a peaceful solution he saved the town from the ravages of conflict that he was all to familiar with.

I wasn't completely happy with it and had some later ideas to improve upon it such as the first line: The coward lord dares not to fight - I thought it would have been better to say - They say the lords a coward, blade hidden midst his fears, to better give the idea that this is how people 'talk' about him.

I also wasn't sure about the usage of the word Lord. I wanted to use a word for militaristic leader who would be known by the townsfolk, King was too much, Lord perhaps not warrior ish enough.

I like the concept very much so would be happy to hear any ideas about improving it! Thank you to everyone who gave me a mention and a vote.

All the best,
Chris

 

[Chris 1978]

@gracefully.falling

A fantastic idea. I've always loved the Neitzche quote which this short story seems to have as it's central Idea if I am understanding it correctly:

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”

Sadly I wasn't able to gain as much insight as I would have liked into this theme, the literal aspect of the first part made me think of an actual monster attacking them instead of them being the monster. Upon your further explanation I have a much better appreciation of it. I don't know if this says more about my comprehension skills though or your writing I've certainly been known to miss some extremely obvious things.

I agree that some parts are too vague, the concept itself is already quite abstract so the way its conveyed could be made clearer without losing its impact. The beauty is already there in the fact that you are putting this profound idea into a story.

Thank you for sharing, its both inspiring and fascinating to gain insights into others thought processes in this way.

 

[gracefully.falling]

Hey guys hope you are well. I'd love to hear what you might have to say about my 75 worder:

I enjoyed your story and understood it all except for the last line. The first two lines make it clear the ruler is a coward who's putting on a false front. The last line starts with "Whence battle came laid down his sword, they did not strike him down." This, coupled with the idea of the character put forth in the beginning, makes me think he ran away and escaped. Then I was quite confused when it concluded with "The coward fought himself that day and saved our wretched town," because there was no reference to anything he had done besides laying down his sword and fighting with himself. I thought the logical conclusion would be a defeat in the battle with both himself and the enemy army. I couldn't understand how he had saved the town. Now, reading your explanation, I can see what you were going for. I think it made have made more sense, for me at least, to have mentioned he was fighting with words.

For instance, perhaps the lines "The coward fought himself that day" could be altered to "fought with words" or "speech." Then to make up for the extra word, maybe remove the "to" in front of "fight" in the first line, or another small adjustment. Though, as you said, I don't know if my missing the ending speaks more to your writing abilities or my comprehension skills.

I do think your style is beautiful and the concept is very interesting! I would love to see it expanded on.
Hope this helps!

 

[Peter V]

Hey guys hope you are well. I'd love to hear what you might have to say about my 75 worder:


The Coward Lord

The coward lord dares not to fight, blade hidden midst his fears. He’s not been in warriors stead since ‘fore the peaceful years.

He wars with shadowed demons and rules behind his crest, wears brazen gilt and warrant pomp to shield his hollow chest.

Whence battle came laid down his sword, they did not strike him down. The coward fought himself that day and saved our wretched town.



A bit of background on it, I started it a few days into the challenge. It came out pretty quick one afternoon, mulling over some different lines and whatnot. I had a version I was quite happy with but not completely, I came back to it a few times with some improvements (I think) over a couple of days and then put it up. I think I edited it a couple of times after posting it too. I also felt that writing a poem was a bit of a cop-out but its my first outing so I forgave myself!

The overall Idea was to convey the sense of a misunderstood legend. That some legends are fighting battles we will never know about.
The piece is written from a semi ignorant village persons perspective. I hope that it was understood that by not fighting the enemy who came to attack and instead choosing to find a peaceful solution he saved the town from the ravages of conflict that he was all to familiar with.

I wasn't completely happy with it and had some later ideas to improve upon it such as the first line: The coward lord dares not to fight - I thought it would have been better to say - They say the lords a coward, blade hidden midst his fears, to better give the idea that this is how people 'talk' about him.

I also wasn't sure about the usage of the word Lord. I wanted to use a word for militaristic leader who would be known by the townsfolk, King was too much, Lord perhaps not warrior ish enough.

I like the concept very much so would be happy to hear any ideas about improving it! Thank you to everyone who gave me a mention and a vote.

All the best,
Chris

I really liked this and it got my vote. I understood it and am pleased you confirmed this. After digesting it, especially with the evidence that he "fought himself", I decided he likely was not a coward and went against his instinct to fight and die in glory for the greater good, as the outcome was inevitable. Better to be thought a coward than his people dead and their town destroyed. That was certainly my impression and the fact it was very well written and evocative sealed the deal.

 

[DanielOwen]

Hi all! This is my entry for the August 75 word challenge. I'm fairly new to flash fiction (which might show), so I respectfully ask anyone with the time to brutally tear it to pieces.

Monsters and Men

“I’m not mad, I tell you!” The old man screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. “It won’t be happy about this!”

The crowd laughed, burning him with tongues of fire and poking him with the claws of pitchforks. “He speaks of an ancient monster! Where is your monster now?”

“You fools, it's upon us!”

A darkness overtook them. Within it, they saw only reflections of self. To one, a man. To the others, a monster.


The meaning of my story is that the mob lost themselves to hate, ignorance, and violence, which made them into monsters. The one who stayed true to what he believed in (the monster), also remained true to himself (a man), even though it cost him his sanity. I do think this story can be interpreted in many different ways than the original message, however. The main purpose of the story was to invoke thought.

Here are my own critiques, which I would love to know if anyone agrees with.

1. It's too vague in some parts and too specific in others. The comparison of the crowd to a beast, as well as the line "Within it, they saw only reflections of self," were blunt and obvious. On the other hand, the concept of the monster and the darkness that overcame them are extremely vague. I'm not sure how I could have made the monster more specific while staying within the word limit and staying true to the story.

2. I think the story might have been more effective if I hadn't made the man seem crazy in the eyes of the reader. The crowd has to perceive him as mad for the story to work, but the reader might have been more impacted if he had seemed sane.

3. The man seemed to agree the entity was a monster, despite it only showing him a reflection of self. It might have made more sense for the line "You fools, it's upon us!" to be replaced with "You fools, it's no monster!" or something similar.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this and doubly thanks to anyone who responds!

Hey, so I wanted to like this more than I did in the end. The central idea is solid, that the real monster is the mob; when people give in to their baser instincts, it makes them into the monsters they claim to fear and despise. I got it, which is always a good sign; the story worked for me. In many ways, a classic tale.

I didn't feel drawn in, however. I felt no connection to either the man or the mob; they were generic, which made it difficult to envision anything except the most hackneyed of witch-burning scenes. Pitchforks and torches is a trope, as is crazy old man ranting about monsters. I felt like I needed something different in some way to bring it to life and make it interesting. This is the flip-side of using a classic story, in my opinion; it really needs a new twist or unexpected element.

What I thought needed most tuning was the dialogue. Much of it is expository and clunky. People only talk like that in bad movies from the 50s, which is cool if that's the vibe you're going for, but nobody says "I tell you!" on the end of their sentences. I can understand why the mob is mocking him ("Where is your monster now?") but not why they are explaining to each other what he is talking about ("He speaks of an ancient monster!").

As to your discussion points:
1. Agreed. More monster required. I think you could have saved words by deleting the entire first paragraph, or at least most of it - it doesn't add anything that isn't implied by the second. You could maybe leave in the second part of the old man's dialogue if you like; it shows he has some connection with/knowledge of the monster. Something like:

“I’m not mad, I tell you!” The old man screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. “It won’t be happy about this!”

The crowd laughed, burning the old man with tongues of fire and poking him with the claws of pitchforks. “He speaks of an ancient monster! Where is your monster now?”

2. Maybe. I didn't think he was crazy to start with. The only thing implying he's crazy was the spittle thing, really, which is explainable by him being tortured by a mob. I don't trust the judgement of torch-wielding mobs on general principle; they're almost always wrong about everything. In that way, the trope is useful here.

3. I think this could have been dealt with if you had saved more words to show us a better glimpse of the monster itself. Or maybe instead of shouting a slightly clichéd warning, the old man could have seemed sad - he knows what's coming, he knows what the monster really is, and he knows that the mob are dooming themselves with their prejudiced and ignorant actions. You could maybe open with this warning - instead of "It won't be happy about this!" which suggests revenge, you could have a line about the mob bringing their doom on themselves or not realising what they do.

 

[DanielOwen]

Hey guys hope you are well. I'd love to hear what you might have to say about my 75 worder:


The Coward Lord

The coward lord dares not to fight, blade hidden midst his fears. He’s not been in warriors stead since ‘fore the peaceful years.

He wars with shadowed demons and rules behind his crest, wears brazen gilt and warrant pomp to shield his hollow chest.

Whence battle came laid down his sword, they did not strike him down. The coward fought himself that day and saved our wretched town.



A bit of background on it, I started it a few days into the challenge. It came out pretty quick one afternoon, mulling over some different lines and whatnot. I had a version I was quite happy with but not completely, I came back to it a few times with some improvements (I think) over a couple of days and then put it up. I think I edited it a couple of times after posting it too. I also felt that writing a poem was a bit of a cop-out but its my first outing so I forgave myself!

The overall Idea was to convey the sense of a misunderstood legend. That some legends are fighting battles we will never know about.
The piece is written from a semi ignorant village persons perspective. I hope that it was understood that by not fighting the enemy who came to attack and instead choosing to find a peaceful solution he saved the town from the ravages of conflict that he was all to familiar with.

I wasn't completely happy with it and had some later ideas to improve upon it such as the first line: The coward lord dares not to fight - I thought it would have been better to say - They say the lords a coward, blade hidden midst his fears, to better give the idea that this is how people 'talk' about him.

I also wasn't sure about the usage of the word Lord. I wanted to use a word for militaristic leader who would be known by the townsfolk, King was too much, Lord perhaps not warrior ish enough.

I like the concept very much so would be happy to hear any ideas about improving it! Thank you to everyone who gave me a mention and a vote.

All the best,
Chris

I'm not a huge fan of the lyrical style, but this was pretty nice. I thought some of your language was excellent ("brazen gilt and warrant pomp" is such a great phrase) and the idea of writing about a kind of anti-legend, somebody who is known not for their bravery but for cowardice, is a really good spin on the subject. The tension between the perceived cowardice of not fighting and the fact that in doing so he actually saved the town works well.

I would disagree that your rewrite of the first line is better - "they say the lord's a coward" is flat and unpoetic compared to the rest, and I understood that this was written about a lord rather than told from his perspective. I think the first line stands. I also think that Lord (I'd have capitalised it, personally) is a perfectly reasonable title to use - lords were often understood to be military as well as political leaders, and from a historical/fantasy standpoint, I understood the expectation that a lord is expected to lead his troops into battle.

However, I didn't get the overall meaning, in that I didn't take from it that the Lord had chosen to talk rather than fight and had saved the town in doing so. In fact, I didn't understand the last para at all. I thought maybe that "fought himself" referred to the lord warring against his own inner cowardice and going to battle after all, but that conflicted with him laying down his sword. I thought maybe he'd yielded - surrendered the town in order to save it, and that was where he gained his coward's label, after having been a warrior in previous years, but that didn't seem to sit right either. I think if the last para had been clearer, the whole thing would have landed much better.

Lastly, and this is a niggle, I question your use of "whence". It means "where from" - in context it seems like you've used it as just a flowery version of the word "when", which would be incorrect. Apologies if I'm wrong here - nothing worse than correcting a non-error, but I feel like if you're going to use a poetic style, you need to be very exact in your word choices and this seemed like a clanger to me.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Hi all! This is my entry for the August 75 word challenge. I'm fairly new to flash fiction (which might show), so I respectfully ask anyone with the time to brutally tear it to pieces.

Monsters and Men

“I’m not mad, I tell you!” The old man screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. “It won’t be happy about this!”

The crowd laughed, burning him with tongues of fire and poking him with the claws of pitchforks. “He speaks of an ancient monster! Where is your monster now?”

“You fools, it's upon us!”

A darkness overtook them. Within it, they saw only reflections of self. To one, a man. To the others, a monster.


The meaning of my story is that the mob lost themselves to hate, ignorance, and violence, which made them into monsters. The one who stayed true to what he believed in (the monster), also remained true to himself (a man), even though it cost him his sanity. I do think this story can be interpreted in many different ways than the original message, however. The main purpose of the story was to invoke thought.

Here are my own critiques, which I would love to know if anyone agrees with.

1. It's too vague in some parts and too specific in others. The comparison of the crowd to a beast, as well as the line "Within it, they saw only reflections of self," were blunt and obvious. On the other hand, the concept of the monster and the darkness that overcame them are extremely vague. I'm not sure how I could have made the monster more specific while staying within the word limit and staying true to the story.

2. I think the story might have been more effective if I hadn't made the man seem crazy in the eyes of the reader. The crowd has to perceive him as mad for the story to work, but the reader might have been more impacted if he had seemed sane.

3. The man seemed to agree the entity was a monster, despite it only showing him a reflection of self. It might have made more sense for the line "You fools, it's upon us!" to be replaced with "You fools, it's no monster!" or something similar.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this and doubly thanks to anyone who responds!

Hi @gracefully.falling!

1. The comparison of the crowd to a beast is not blunt or obvious. To be honest, I didn't get that's what you were going for - it should have been more explicit, imho.

2. I don't think this is where the issues in the story reside.

3. Again - I don't think this is where the issues lie.

One problem is that, the internal logic of the story as it stands doesn't quite make sense. As it stands the old man calls into being the monster by warning of it. Yet there's no reason for the crowd to have rounded on him in the first place. If the old man had never warned of the monster, it would have never appeared. Because the message of your story is not going for the irony of "unintended consequences" but "mobs are a kind of monster", you need to refine the idea a little.

The other issue is that the only person who is in danger of the monster is the old man. From the mob's perspective they are not fools because they suffer no negative consequences from their actions.

The structure of the story is a twist narrative - with the twist being the reveal that the monster is in reality a mob. To best achieve this the reader must be lead to believe one thing before lifting the veil over their eyes to the truth. It seems to me that's what you were going for.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Hello Chrons,
I cannot offer much in the line of constructive advice so am chancing my arm asking for some (apologies, am new to writing and will hopefully be able to add usefull comments with time on here, but anything more than general 'I liked it' type stuff is a bridge too far at the moment).

Would appreciate any thoughts on my 75 word effort -the idea was 'you can just never know what's in someone else's head', so in the story the hill couldn't tell what the Cronticle thinks, despite it (the hills) size and reputation. That's prob clear as mud! Don't mind spilling the thing over into a longer spiel if anyone reckons there's a better way to do it (75 words is tricky!).

The Thing about Cronticles

Klump, Klump.
Went the thing on the hill.
'My body cries out for the thing that goes Klump'.
The Cronticle then spoke to the hill.
'It is said that you cannot be climbed, but if ya just moved to the side that thing would roll down to me'
Klump, Splang.
'I could, if you told me what it's like to be a Cronticle'.
'I could, but now it's splanged, I no longer want the thing'.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Chris 1978, I really enjoyed your choice of writing, and although there are usually few poetry entries (although many have a poetical style to them) , it is never a cop-out.

The main thing that stopped me from understanding, and prevented me from shortlisting/voting for your entry was the last paragraph.

There are a couple of suggestions I would make.

Our coward Lord dares not to fight, blade hidden midst his fears. He’s not been in his warriors dress/garb since ‘fore the peaceful years.

I would suggest 'our' over 'the' as it is 'our' wretched town and therefore our Lord (And as has been mentioned already, I would capitalise it.) Also I would add 'his' to your third 'line' to keep the syllable rhythm of 8/6 8/6.


When conflict came fell to his knees/used words not deeds , they did not strike him down. The coward fought his pride that day and saved our wretched town.

I would suggest 'conflict' over 'battle' , as firstly there was no fight and secondly it is more alliterative with 'came'.

I would also suggest an alternative to 'lay down his sword', firstly to avoid the repetition of the word 'down', secondly because it more explicitly implies that he debased himself in the eyes of the townfolk in order to save them A couple of alternatives I've listed above.

Also to make it clearer that he isn't actually a coward, and to make it (to me) make more sense I would consider changing fighting 'himself' to 'his pride' or something similar.

I would also consider in your first line changing 'the coward lord' to 'our noble lord' as the biting twist that he is considered a coward not a saviour by his people, and that they regard their town as 'wretched' for capitulating so easily would then come as a revelation in the final line., and the 'noble' then becomes ironic.

Having said that, your story got 3 votes which is really fantastic, and shows that your entry really was a strong one.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi AnRoinnUltra. I shortlisted your entry and described it as 'peculiar yet captivating'. I stick by that but will add weird and wonderful and has the kind of surreal qualities that a comic genius like Spike Milligan might have penned. I'm not entirely certain that it matches the theme of 'legend' , but then again I would be hard pressed to define what category it would fit into. It's very imaginative and well written, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next month.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks @paranoid marvin , great to read that! You're dead right about the theme fail -the legend thing felt a bit of a side plot and irrelevant, and it's good to see that confirmed; looking forward to the next one too, really enjoyed reading the entries as they came in.

 

[Wayne Mack]

The meaning of my story is that the mob lost themselves to hate, ignorance, and violence, which made them into monsters. The one who stayed true to what he believed in (the monster), also remained true to himself (a man), even though it cost him his sanity. I do think this story can be interpreted in many different ways than the original message, however. The main purpose of the story was to invoke thought.

I think you did a good job setting up the premise and I felt I was following it until the final paragraph, which confused me as to what was intended.

A darkness overtook them. Within it, they saw only reflections of self. To one, a man. To the others, a monster.

I was lost as to why the protagonist was viewed both as a man and a monster. I suggest that it might have been better to end with a modified version of the previous sentence, "You fools, it is us!" With the extra word count, I think you could have included a more direct reference to the theme 'that the mob lost themselves to hate, ignorance, and violence.'

Fitting everything into 75 words is difficult. I felt you set up the scenario well and I did like the phrasing you used in the final paragraph. If it were a longer piece, I would recommend keeping it, but due to the word count restriction, I am afraid that it needed to be replaced with a more explicit, less vague text. Overall, though, it was a good effort.

 

[Chris 1978]

Thank you @gracefully.falling @Peter V @DanielOwen @paranoid marvin for the valuable and insightful feedback, it's greatly appreciated.

 

[Astro Pen]

@AnRoinnUltra Yep it felt way off topic.
(I stuck rigidly to topic and got zero votes anyway ) A lot of people pushed the theme from 'legend' to 'hero' and got way with it but I felt that you had drifted into another thematic ballpark. It was, however, refreshing and unusual for here and I don't want to discourage the style.

Wonderfully bonkers , like some of the stories I was read at infant school. The Pushmi-pullyu in Dr. Doolittle for example, or even more Edward Lear

Edward Lear, The Cummerbund. An Indian Poem

www.nonsenselit.org

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Chris 1978, I like your writing style, it has an elegant, lyrical flow to it. It would be interesting to see a rewrite where some of the intent could be made more explicit while maintaining the writing style. I didn't quite grasp the intent behind the story until I saw your explanation, so I'm just going to brainstorm a couple of ideas and you can see if any feel applicable.

I found the transition from 'Coward Lord' to 'saved our wretched town' to be a little incongruent. The transition to past tense for the last paragraph was a little too subtle for me and I first read it as following, in time, the previous sections. Having it continue in present tense might have been better as instead of speaker seeing the the Lord go from saving the town to being a coward, the speaker could have expressed the opposite transition, from seeing the Lord as a coward to seeing him as the savior of the town.

The text tells me a lot about what the Lord does not do, but not what he actually does -- diplomacy. The line 'The coward fought himself that day ...' confused me as to what the Lord did to save the town. For me, the idea that the Lord is a skilled negotiator did not come across.

One specific item that was too vague was the reference to 'shadowed demons.' I read this literally as him fighting with demons from the underworld. From the explanation, I take it that this was intended to refer to other feudal lords. In a longer piece where the Lord's and town's enemies were explicitly defined, this analogy would have worked well. In a short form, though, where this was the only reference, it obscured the intended meaning.

I hope you maintain your writing style, it gives a wonderful flavoring to the tale. Beware, though, of being too subtle. The reader does not know the concept that is floating in the writer's mind and needs to be explicitly given that context.

 

[DanielOwen]

Hello Chrons,
I cannot offer much in the line of constructive advice so am chancing my arm asking for some (apologies, am new to writing and will hopefully be able to add usefull comments with time on here, but anything more than general 'I liked it' type stuff is a bridge too far at the moment).

Would appreciate any thoughts on my 75 word effort -the idea was 'you can just never know what's in someone else's head', so in the story the hill couldn't tell what the Cronticle thinks, despite it (the hills) size and reputation. That's prob clear as mud! Don't mind spilling the thing over into a longer spiel if anyone reckons there's a better way to do it (75 words is tricky!).

The Thing about Cronticles

Klump, Klump.
Went the thing on the hill.
'My body cries out for the thing that goes Klump'.
The Cronticle then spoke to the hill.
'It is said that you cannot be climbed, but if ya just moved to the side that thing would roll down to me'
Klump, Splang.
'I could, if you told me what it's like to be a Cronticle'.
'I could, but now it's splanged, I no longer want the thing'.

Hey, welcome to the forums - make no apologies for being new; we all start somewhere and you deserve props for having the guts to put your writing in front of people when you're new to it. Best way to improve; I wish I'd started doing it sooner.

As others have said, I felt like your entry had a Spike Milligan vibe to it. The use of onomatopoeia and the slightly absurd, surreal quality reminded me of Roald Dahl or Dr Zeuss; a couple of illustrations and you have the beginnings of a very interesting children's story here (not that it couldn't easily go in a million other directions, but that's how it felt to me). I have a couple of suggestions, though with a very stylistic piece it's always hard to do too much for fear of wrecking the voice of it.

I'd establish that the Cronticle can't climb rather than make the hill unclimbable - it gives the Cronticle a more specific motivation and establishes something about Cronticles that the audience doesn't know.

I'd also consider reworking the dialogue, at the moment the hill (I think) moves and then says "I could", implying that it could move if it wanted to, but it already has? Doesn't quite seem to read right. With a small rewrite, you could possibly have the Cronticle tricking the hill and insert a bit of a cautionary tale into the story. Something like:

"If ya just moved to the side that thing would roll down to me."
"I could, but tell me what it's like to be a Cronticle."
"When I have what I want, I'll tell you what it's like."
Klump, Splang.
"I have this thing now, so it's not what I want."

Overall, I thought your piece was very cool, but it didn't meet the theme and I struggled to make proper sense of it. You clearly have a very unique style, though, and I'm already looking forward to seeing what else you produce.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

@AnRoinnUltra Yep it felt way off topic.
(I stuck rigidly to topic and got zero votes anyway ) A lot of people pushed the theme from 'legend' to 'hero' and got way with it but I felt that you had drifted into another thematic ballpark. It was, however, refreshing and unusual for here and I don't want to discourage the style.

Wonderfully bonkers , like some of the stories I was read at infant school. The Pushmi-pullyu in Dr. Doolittle for example, or even more Edward Lear

Edward Lear, The Cummerbund. An Indian Poem

www.nonsenselit.org

Thanks @Astro Pen , -that poem was great fun, and a century and a half old to boot ...couldn't find a flaw in your piece so unfortunately I'm no help to you at all, the reason I didn't vote for it was just because the heart bisecting blade gave me the heebie-jeebies!

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Hey, welcome to the forums - make no apologies for being new; we all start somewhere and you deserve props for having the guts to put your writing in front of people when you're new to it. Best way to improve; I wish I'd started doing it sooner.

As others have said, I felt like your entry had a Spike Milligan vibe to it. The use of onomatopoeia and the slightly absurd, surreal quality reminded me of Roald Dahl or Dr Zeuss; a couple of illustrations and you have the beginnings of a very interesting children's story here (not that it couldn't easily go in a million other directions, but that's how it felt to me). I have a couple of suggestions, though with a very stylistic piece it's always hard to do too much for fear of wrecking the voice of it.

I'd establish that the Cronticle can't climb rather than make the hill unclimbable - it gives the Cronticle a more specific motivation and establishes something about Cronticles that the audience doesn't know.

I'd also consider reworking the dialogue, at the moment the hill (I think) moves and then says "I could", implying that it could move if it wanted to, but it already has? Doesn't quite seem to read right. With a small rewrite, you could possibly have the Cronticle tricking the hill and insert a bit of a cautionary tale into the story. Something like:

"If ya just moved to the side that thing would roll down to me."
"I could, but tell me what it's like to be a Cronticle."
"When I have what I want, I'll tell you what it's like."
Klump, Splang.
"I have this thing now, so it's not what I want."

Overall, I thought your piece was very cool, but it didn't meet the theme and I struggled to make proper sense of it. You clearly have a very unique style, though, and I'm already looking forward to seeing what else you produce.

Thanks for the welcome @DanielOwen , this is a great forum -tonnes of great writing and advice to read through. I hadn't realized the moving implication, appreciate you spotting it. The idea of a cautionary tale is deadly ...I like it a lot, could be good fun to develop into a bit of longer banter, fair play.
Thanks again

 

[Wayne Mack]

This seems like it is a whimsical piece and I like the amusing tone. I felt a little confused because there appear to be three actors and I was unsure which one was doing what. I believe the intended actors are the thing on the hill, the Cronticle, and the hill itself. I would urge caution in introducing a made-up term in a piece this short. 'Splange' seemed self explanatory, but I had no idea what a Cronticle was supposed to be. Below, I'll provide some line by line comments as to what I was thinking as I read.

Klump, Klump.
Went the thing on the hill. [These two lines should be combined into a single sentence.]
'My body cries out for the thing that goes Klump'. [Who is speaking? At first, I thought it was the thing on the hill. Now, I am guessing it is the Cronticle. This could be made obvious by combining this line and the following two into one paragraph.]
The Cronticle then spoke to the hill.
'It is said that you cannot be climbed, but if ya just moved to the side that thing would roll down to me'
Klump, Splang. [I thought this implied the hill moved and caused the thing to fall.]
'I could, if you told me what it's like to be a Cronticle'. [At first, I thought this was the Cronticle speaking. I then had to rethink and was unsure if it was the hill or the thing on the hill.]
'I could, but now it's splanged, I no longer want the thing'. [If the hill did not move, what caused the thing to become splanged? How is this a response to the previous question?]

I feel like there was an amusing idea struggling to get out, but overall, I could not identify the characters nor why a Cronticle had an interest in an unnamed thing. I always find it a struggle to get something written in 75 words. It is always a challenge to decide what to leave out and still convey the idea to the reader. I certainly like the whimsy in this piece and would like to see another of your tales.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

This seems like it is a whimsical piece and I like the amusing tone. I felt a little confused because there appear to be three actors and I was unsure which one was doing what. I believe the intended actors are the thing on the hill, the Cronticle, and the hill itself. I would urge caution in introducing a made-up term in a piece this short. 'Splange' seemed self explanatory, but I had no idea what a Cronticle was supposed to be. Below, I'll provide some line by line comments as to what I was thinking as I read.

I feel like there was an amusing idea struggling to get out, but overall, I could not identify the characters nor why a Cronticle had an interest in an unnamed thing. I always find it a struggle to get something written in 75 words. It is always a challenge to decide what to leave out and still convey the idea to the reader. I certainly like the whimsy in this piece and would like to see another of your tales.

Thanks @Wayne Mack , for the well thought out advice; loads to do there. Establish the thing as a croaking creature that only a Cronticle could love. Introduce the Cronticle and attribute the talking properly. Sort out the Klump, klump, klump, Klump, Splang, klump so the splang is only a tiny variation in the thing's song (but enough to put the impulsive Cronticle off). Show that the hill is curious about the world but never gets to go too far. Appreciate that, plenty to be going on with.
I think there's a joke in it too somewhere, will keep at it -thanks again for your help