Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[paranoid marvin]

Mon0Zero, I cannot really comment other than to say I didn't understand this when I read it.

The line that confused me was

Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time, impossible to reconcile with the fragile man before me

Now I'm reading this thread ,I'm gathering that it was a photo of his dad. I would suggest the following sentence, using youth to avoid the repetition of 'man'. Frozen may be better than locked?

A photograph beside his bed; a proud youth frozen in time. Impossible to reconcile with fragile man I see before me.

What also threw me was the reference to a virus. I'm assuming now that he has released it on the internet as 'vengeance' for his father's condition? I agree that the story works better without it; however without it, I'm not sure that it fits the genre of 'speculative fiction'.

With better understanding, there is some good emotion-evoking imagery in your entry. I think it does suffer from having to have too much removed , and perhaps having unneeded wordage added to in order to better fit the genre.

 

[The Judge]

I knew -- vaguely -- what prions were, the BSE/CJD scare bringing them to my attention, but I hadn't understood the relevance of "Wannacry" until Wayne mentioned it and I googled. I can now better see the connection with the talk of the virus in the first para -- I'd noted the symmetry with the prions in the father's brain, of course, but hadn't understood it as part of the theme of wanting to cry. That is a clever juxtaposition.

But... where is the speculative fiction? If the virus is just a kind of Wannacry, as the title would suggest, that's not speculative fiction or SF, it's real life. If it's more than that or more virulent, and really is destroying the internet, then that would be more SFish, but then it's not Wannacry, presumably. In any event, to me that aspect needs to be better integrated into the story -- I see pm thinks the virus might have been issued by the narrator as revenge, and that would certainly work eg if the father had got CJD from eating tainted meat, but as it stands I can't read that into the lines.

For the 75s I'd always suggest you (ie "one", not just you personally) just cleave to a single main idea and make everything you write support it, rather than have lots of sub-plots as it were, which then have to be excised.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Fair points everyone - thanks for the feedback.

What also threw me was the reference to a virus. I'm assuming now that he has released it on the internet as 'vengeance' for his father's condition? I agree that the story works better without it; however without it, I'm not sure that it fits the genre of 'speculative fiction'.

@The Judge:

If it's more than that or more virulent, and really is destroying the internet, then that would be more SFish, but then it's not Wannacry, presumably. In any event, to me that aspect needs to be better integrated into the story -- I see pm thinks the virus might have been issued by the narrator as revenge, and that would certainly work eg if the father had got CJD from eating tainted meat, but as it stands I can't read that into the lines.

The biggest takeaway seems to be that the idea is too big in scope for 75 words, so readers have to speculate too much to make sense of it. I was trying to suggest a wider story outside the narrative, but there's not enough clues in the story to put people on the right track.

I'm hoping to expand on this at some point - hopefully the intended speculative attribute should be clearer!

How do you all approach these stories? Watching the Brandon Sanderson lecture on short stories was a light bulb moment - but these 75ers seem to need more refinement.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time, impossible to reconcile with the fragile man before me.

This was my favorite line of the piece. I interpreted the proud young man beside the bed as the son remembering a parent who had once been strong and undefeatable and now seeing the parent weak and on the verge of death. Having envisioned this as an ICU room setting, I don't think the photograph interpretation fits, as I would not expect personal mementos to be present.

Kudos for that line. For me it had underlying passion and the right amount of ambiguity to let the reader overlay whatever interpretations the reader desried.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

How do you all approach these stories? Watching the Brandon Sanderson lecture on short stories was a light bulb moment - but these 75ers seem to need more refinement.

I think my biggest leap forward in the 75 worder came with the understanding that what is clear to me as I write, and more importantly I think, edit each story - in the areas of plotting, world-building and inter-character relationships - isn’t necessarily going to be clear and easily interpreted by the reader. Clarity is a good starting point, when you’re editing. (That’s not to say there can’t be subterfuge in the plotting, and ambiguity… but you have to make sure they are fair, when it’s all said and done.)

A good opening line, nice pacing through the body of the story, and a (hopefully) killer, or at least solid, final line are very important. Make sure you are remembered.

And I’d say to keep in mind that voters may only ever read your story once… at voting time. I think with 40+ stories usually being entered, and the understanding of how much time it must take each voter to get through so many stories, you have to make sure your story doesn’t just baffle a person, so they give up and move on to the next in line for consideration. You have to grab them with unique ideas and solid story structures. Avoid any typos (important when we have 23 days to write, polish and post). And understand too that in almost any month there will be hot stories that - no matter how good your entry is - might be unbeatable come voting time. And you have to be able to accept this; you’ll hopefully be rewarded with listings (listings are so important) or votes here and there. And someday, you might have the hot story. There’s so much you have to accomplish in 75 words or less, that it’s not sustainable to feel defeated each month if you don’t win, or aren’t near the top in votes.

There are so many talented writers entering the Challenges. Don't feel discouraged. Learn from the Challenges - that’s what they really exist for… teaching. And have fun. Hope I didn't blather on too much. You write really well, Mon0Zer0, just hang in there, with the Challenges.

ps - RE: your note... I don't mind cynical or sad stories; I seem to write them a lot these days. But it's nice sometimes when a story that seems sweet or kind on the surface proves sweet and kind in its depths.

pps - absolutely agree with TJ about not having too many subplots. I often cut characters and ideas in my 75 worders, and the clarity you might find for a story with one major plot and, say, two characters at 75 words can be so much truer and effective than a story at 125 words (original draft) with three characters and several subplots. Simplify!

 

[Hugh]

I just try to come up with a line I like and then build around that.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

There are so many talented writers entering the Challenges. Don't feel discouraged. Learn from the Challenges - that’s what they really exist for… teaching. And have fun. Hope I didn't blather on too much. You write really well, Mon0Zer0, just hang in there, with the Challenges.

Thanks!

Definitely not discouraged - these challenges are an awesome opportunity for improvement. I love 'em! It's great to have a friendly community who provide constructive critiques, too.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I just try to come up with a line I like and then build around that.

That works, too.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Mon0Zer0 count me in the “not entirely sure what is happening” camp.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my July 2021 entry, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

For the Love of Evil

Sweat trickled down the old man’s brow. With concealed knife he wove through the crowded ballroom towards the dark sorceress. Her wickedness would end tonight.

But memories flooded his thoughts, of holding her close, tight, loving. How had he failed her? He faltered and fell back towards the exit.

A word halted his retreat: “Father.” He faced his daughter, his once beautiful princess, the dark sorceress. Consumed by corruption, her knife did not falter.

 

[Peter V]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my July 2021 entry, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

I am far from the best to analyse a story for context or grammar but a couple of things struck me when I read this.

First was the word wove - I personally would have used weaved.

My main concern though was that from this description: holding her close, tight, loving it gave me the impression of an incestuous relationship between father and daughter, though I suspect this was not the intention (please correct me if I am wrong).

 

[JS Wiig]

@Peter V

My main concern though was that from this description: holding her close, tight, loving it gave me the impression of an incestuous relationship between father and daughter, though I suspect this was not the intention (please correct me if I am wrong).

Definitely not my intention there.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@JS Wiig, overall, I liked the story. The deciding factor that kept it out of my vote category was that I did not find the twist ending to be surprising. I can't really put my finger on why I felt that way, but that should not detract from it being a fine entry.

 

[mosaix]

How do you all approach these stories? Watching the Brandon Sanderson lecture on short stories was a light bulb moment - but these 75ers seem to need more refinement.

Sometimes an idea occurs to me and the writing is over and done in an hour or so. Other times it takes days.

When I'm struggling a bit I find it best just to start writing and just flow with whatever occurs to me as it goes. I don't wait for a complete idea before starting writing - I just start with whatever feeble idea is present and change it as I go. I've found that the physical process of writing starts the mental juices flowing.

Sometimes I get fixed on a certain idea and, even though I can't make it work, I can't get it out of my head. When that happens I save it, walk away for a day or two and start again with a blank page.

Other times the method of delivering the story can start an idea - all dialogue, diary, newspaper report, radio news item, interview, ship's log. They're all worth trying. See @Moonbat's 75 word winning entry in July 2011. (Wow! Is that really ten years ago?)

And, as others have said here, make the piece memorable and make it so that others want to read it. Come voting time each piece is in a sea of other stories. Both the first line and last line are especially important.

One, final weird thing. I don't give a piece a title until I'm happy it's complete. For me, adding a title stops the writing process stone dead. Something in my head says 'well that's finished, I can't think of another thing, time to do something else'.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

@JS Wiig I agree with @Peter V that the line

But memories flooded his thoughts, of holding her close, tight, loving.

sounds like a sexual relationship.

You have a clear set up (father's goal), resolution (his failure) and conflict (can he go through with this or not?) which gives the piece a nice structure.

IMHO, It could be improved by introducing some specificity - names, sensory details and some imagery to make it a little more evocative, and made a little more intense - heightening the drama.

If you wanted to introduce a twist into the tale, you could have saved the reveal of their relationship in the very last sentence and built the piece to a larger climax. The father's earlier hesitancy could have been used to misdirect the reader, so that they believe his emotional conflict is driven from fear. This would have also intensified the drama a little.

 

[JS Wiig]

sounds like a sexual relationship.

Hmm, quite disappointing that is how it came across. The idea was a parent who still loved their child in spite of the bad deeds they had committed.

Any suggestions on better wording for this?

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Any suggestions on better wording for this?

I'd probably approach it, something like this:

Across the room, the sorceress. Hard to believe her cruel features were once those of the little girl he raised so long ago.

Appreciate you'd have to rejig the paragraph to keep the word count.

 

[Parson]

@JS Wiig as I was reading the story I first thought of a sexual relationship. But for me "Father" stopped any thought of that. --- I believe I'm happy that I didn't automatically go to incest. --- I was very disappointed in the ending. I wanted the Father's love to be reciprocated by the daughter.

So, I find nothing wrong with the story telling. It all worked for me. It did not make my list mostly because I wasn't happy with the story. You're telling of it was very good. I like stories that are more hopeful, where doing the right thing is rewarded instead of a fatal weakness. That might not be fair, but with so many excellent stories to choose from, the tale itself will sometimes be the differentiation between votes and short lists, and not.

 

[JS Wiig]

Thanks @Parson, the first iteration you probably would have liked better. But then I think about things like, do the Columbine shooter’s, or murderous dictator’s parents still love them, unconditionally? I like to think of the daughter stabbing her father more symbolically than actually.

On a lesser level I think of how I will react when my (still young) kids start doing things I disapprove.

Appreciate the feedback.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi, JS Wiig. Here are a couple of suggestions that come to mind.

Sweat trickled down the old man’s brow. With concealed knife he wove through the crowded ballroom towards the dark sorceress. Her wickedness would end tonight.

I don't think that you need three sentences here; in fact I think it much improves the flow if you combine the first two into one. I would also suggest that 'dark' is unnecessary, as sorceress implies evil, and perhaps 'traversed' rather than 'through'. It may also be worth capitalising 'sorceress'?


Sweat trickled down the old man’s brow as he traversed the crowded ballroom towards the Sorceress; his concealed dagger would end her wickedness tonight.



But memories flooded his thoughts, of holding her close, tight, loving. How had he failed her? He faltered and fell back towards the exit.

I agree with Mon0Zer0 that you could use alternative words to describe a father/daughter relationship, and also show the hesitancy by bringing the knife into this paragraph. To increase the twist at the end , I would suggest leaving out the suggestion of a relationship

As he approached her, he hesitated. An evil, twisted creature no longer, she was the beautiful princess that he once knew; his blade dropped to the floor.

The last paragraph could suggest a reconciliation, but with an evil twist

"Daughter. My beautiful girl." His arms outstretched, she fell into his embrace; consumed with corruption, her blade did not falter.