Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Elckerlyc]

My entry this month got 5 mentions. Which is great. But, alas, no votes!
So, what do I need to change to make this a vote candidate?
A common problem is that a story isn't understood, to vague or perhaps the reader is lacking in common knowledge (*cough* you can not blame the writer for the readers ignorance *cough*.) Anyway, my story was about Schrödinger's cat.

Felix

Felix did not understand why he was locked inside this nasty, ghastly smelling box. The thick, foul air was slowly smothering him. Miserably, he crouched in a corner to be as far away as possible from the putrid source. Where had that other, strangely familiar, cat come from? Though dead, he still felt as if they were somehow connected. Nothing made sense.
Eventually the box opened. “Ugh!” someone exclaimed.
And darkness overtook him.

 

[Peter V]

My entry this month got 5 mentions. Which is great. But, alas, no votes!
So, what do I need to change to make this a vote candidate?
A common problem is that a story isn't understood, to vague or perhaps the reader is lacking in common knowledge (*cough* you can not blame the writer for the readers ignorance *cough*.) Anyway, my story was about Schrödinger's cat.

Felix

Felix did not understand why he was locked inside this nasty, ghastly smelling box. The thick, foul air was slowly smothering him. Miserably, he crouched in a corner to be as far away as possible from the putrid source. Where had that other, strangely familiar, cat come from? Though dead, he still felt as if they were somehow connected. Nothing made sense.
Eventually the box opened. “Ugh!” someone exclaimed.
And darkness overtook him.

Hi Elckerlyc
I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of people may not have recognised what was at the heart of the story. I mentioned it because I am aware of the cat paradox and thought it was a very original take to base it from the cats perspective - it did indeed indeed exist in two states at the same time until observed. Being a cat lover I would have preferred that the dead cat ceased to exist on observation but that did not detract from it for me.

It was clever but likely too clever.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Hi Elckerlyc
I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of people may not have recognised what was at the heart of the story. I mentioned it because I am aware of the cat paradox and thought it was a very original take to base it from the cats perspective - it did indeed indeed exist in two states at the same time until observed. Being a cat lover I would have preferred that the dead cat ceased to exist on observation but that did not detract from it for me.

It was clever but likely too clever.

Thanks!
It did occur to me that people would appreciate it more if Felix survived the experiment. But drama-wise this worked better for me and, to be honest, I find that ultimately more important to me than the readers expectations or preferences. The 'reality' of experiments can be cruel.

 

[Peter V]

Thanks!
It did occur to me that people would appreciate it more if Felix survived the experiment. But drama-wise this worked better for me and, to be honest, I find that ultimately more important to me than the readers expectations or preferences. The 'reality' of experiments can be cruel.

I don't think the fate of Felix had an affect on voting. As a cat lover I always root for the cat but it did not detract from it for me. I listed it because I like "clever"

 

[Astro Pen]

It was a great idea. I how many would recognise Schrödinger's cat I don't know. Possibly half. Having slipped up with the updated 'bicycle smuggler' tale myself I now take the familiarity issue into consideration.
Your problem was really facing a combination of one vote each and an excellent winning story this month.
If we had 3 votes I think you would have picked up a few.

You have, however, seeded an idea for firing single cats in the "double slit" experiment

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi, I shortlisted your entry and commented

A well written, intriguing and sad story that raises more questions than it answers.

It did feel vaguely familiar, and only with more research and discovering/remembering 'Schroedinger's cat' was I enlightened.

As a cat lover, it was a sad story that I didn't particularly want to dwell on, but due to the subject material I don't think there was the possibility of a 'happy' ending.

I have commented before that the title of an entry can have a great deal of influence on the direction and tone of a story with a reader. I think this may have helped here, and including 'Schroedinger' in your title could have explained a great deal to the reader.

This is one occasion when I would suggest that the only thing that could have been improved with your story was the title. I don't think 'Felix' does it justice, and as the definition of 'Felix' is happy/lucky, it probably wasn't appropriate anyway.

Overall a very novel twist on the subject , a well written story evoking emotions from the reader and a great interpretation of the theme.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

It's a good story, Elkerlyc. I grokked right away that it was a Schrödinger's cat story, but I wasn't 100% sure of what happened the one time I read it.

And I think that's a problem for a lot of entries; I probably read about a third of the 75 worders when they are posted (when I notice a new story is listed, I sometimes have the time to read that newest entry; the percentage is even lower for 300 worders, as they take longer to read - I usually wait till voting time to read most of these). And I missed yours when it went up. Then when voting time comes, and there're 40 or more stories to read in one sitting, I am afraid that at times when a story's point isn't perfectly clear to me on first reading, I might move on to the next in line. I don't always have the time to re-read each entry, trying to figure out the author's intentions for a piece.

It's so hard, because when we might think a story's central point is clear, others might not. So clarity is a big thing in the Challenges (cleverness is always nice, too, but not as immediate a reward, perhaps - voting wise - as clarity. Now both - that's a great thing.). Do you have someone who could read your stories before you post them, to make sure that what you're trying to express is reasonably clear? Just from a personal standpoint, I wrote (still write?) a lot of very confusing stories when I started here (I'm not saying that you do).

Finally, as another cat lover, I like it when all the kitties are alive at the end of a story. Inherently difficult with a Schrödinger's cat story, I know. But good entry, and keep writing! CC

 

[cyprus7]

I enjoyed this one too!
Felix's 'collapse' at the box's opening added a poignant touch to the story's ending.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Hi, I shortlisted your entry and commented

A well written, intriguing and sad story that raises more questions than it answers.

It did feel vaguely familiar, and only with more research and discovering/remembering 'Schroedinger's cat' was I enlightened.

As a cat lover, it was a sad story that I didn't particularly want to dwell on, but due to the subject material I don't think there was the possibility of a 'happy' ending.

I have commented before that the title of an entry can have a great deal of influence on the direction and tone of a story with a reader. I think this may have helped here, and including 'Schroedinger' in your title could have explained a great deal to the reader.

This is one occasion when I would suggest that the only thing that could have been improved with your story was the title. I don't think 'Felix' does it justice, and as the definition of 'Felix' is happy/lucky, it probably wasn't appropriate anyway.

Overall a very novel twist on the subject , a well written story evoking emotions from the reader and a great interpretation of the theme.

Yep, your remark that it 'raises more questions' was a signal that the story wasn't clear to everyone.
Your point about the title is well taken. One of my weak points (if I should call it that) is that I like puzzles and don't want to give away too much too soon what the story is about. Enlightenment should come along the way while reading it. That's OK, as long as you can hook the reader from the start.
So, mentioning 'Schrödinger' in the title wasn't going to happen. It would defuse any tension there was in the tale. But just 'Felix' wasn't good enough, I agree.

 

[Elckerlyc]

It's so hard, because when we might think a story's central point is clear, others might not. So clarity is a big thing in the Challenges (cleverness is always nice, too, but not as immediate a reward, perhaps - voting wise - as clarity. Now both - that's a great thing.). Do you have someone who could read your stories before you post them, to make sure that what you're trying to express is reasonably clear? Just from a personal standpoint, I wrote (still write?) a lot of very confusing stories when I started here (I'm not saying that you do).

Finally, as another cat lover, I like it when all the kitties are alive at the end of a story. Inherently difficult with a Schrödinger's cat story, I know. But good entry, and keep writing! CC

Alas, no. There's no one to read my stories first. Especially so when I need to choose between 2 stories. Anyway, I think in this case someone either knew about Schrödinger's cat and recognize it for what it was or he/she/they didn't know.

I think I should have replaced the cat for a rat! And make the title something like "Please, don't think 'cat' while reading 'rat' !"

 

[mosaix]

My entry this month got 5 mentions. Which is great. But, alas, no votes!
So, what do I need to change to make this a vote candidate?
A common problem is that a story isn't understood, to vague or perhaps the reader is lacking in common knowledge (*cough* you can not blame the writer for the readers ignorance *cough*.) Anyway, my story was about Schrödinger's cat.

Felix

Felix did not understand why he was locked inside this nasty, ghastly smelling box. The thick, foul air was slowly smothering him. Miserably, he crouched in a corner to be as far away as possible from the putrid source. Where had that other, strangely familiar, cat come from? Though dead, he still felt as if they were somehow connected. Nothing made sense.
Eventually the box opened. “Ugh!” someone exclaimed.
And darkness overtook him.

It’s probably rare that a 75 word story is understood by everybody - that’s the nature of the 75 challenge. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

I understood the story and thought it well written and an intriguing idea but the problem is that it came up against two other, excellent, stories this month.

You may have noticed that these two stories, the ones that got most votes, had an ‘emotional’ impact and that always seems to go down well in the voting.

 

[The Judge]

I also got the reference! (Which is why I made the comment of "Schrödinger's connection" just to show off!)

It was a very clever take on the theme, and on the whole conundrum of whether the poor cat is alive or dead or both at once, and I agree that, sad as it was, the ending was right.

I'd expect that practically all of us here have heard of Schrödinger's cat, but sometimes knowing something and connecting it (ha!) to a specific story is another matter. So, yes, having a title which, once the story is read, allows the reader to make that connection is vital, and for me "Felix" didn't work since it gives no clues to what's going on and, as PM notes, its meaning is wholly against the tenor of the story. I can't think of anything else better, though, if you didn't want to give the game away entirely with Schrödinger's name.

But I think the real problem this month is that we were all blown away by two very good stories which, as mosaix says, appealed to the emotions rather than intellect. Well, that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it!

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

Just a side note on the title. I always associate Felix with cat because of, well, Felix the Cat

 

[Elckerlyc]

You may have noticed that these two stories, the ones that got most votes, had an ‘emotional’ impact and that always seems to go down well in the voting.

Yes, I did notice this tendency for votes to go 'emotional.' And I can totally understand that. In my own writing I shy away from that a bit (as in RL, I suppose,) where in fact I should practice that kind of writing a bit more. And not just for the votes.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Just a side note on the title. I always associate Felix with cat because of, well, Felix the Cat
View attachment 86023

That's exactly why I called the cat Felix! As a tiny clue up front. Looking at this picture now I'm a bit sorry I killed him!

 

[Elckerlyc]

I also got the reference! (Which is why I made the comment of "Schrödinger's connection" just to show off!)

But I think the real problem this month is that we were all blown away by two very good stories which, as mosaix says, appealed to the emotions rather than intellect. Well, that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it!

Yes, you did! And the only one who actually name the real culprit in this sorry tale of cat misuse.

No excuses needed. Nor is any de-sticking required. It just means I have to go emotional in my writing. <sob>

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I understood the Felix story and it was certainly one of my favorites. What put me off - and this is obviously not your fault, Elckerlyc - is my long standing dislike of the Schrödinger's Cat paradox. It is about as useful as asking if a tree that falls in the forest makes a noise when there is nobody there to hear it. Yes, the tree makes a noise (a disturbance in the air) and the cat is either alive or dead, we just don't know which. I actually think its a terrible analogy because the act of observing the cat (opening the box) does not affect its true state. Whereas the act of observing a particle at the sub atomic level does (so treating it as having more than one state simultaneously works). Maybe I've misunderstood. In general, analogies in physics can be very useful (Einstein's elevator is sublime). Just not this one!

So, none of this has anything to do with your writing, and I know I'm overthinking things as I often do. But there were several excellent entries to choose from (including from Cat's Cradle - the one I voted for). I think you did nothing wrong but you lost me at Schrödinger.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Here is a reimagining that makes clear my feelings on Schrodinger (sorry, couldn't resist).

____________________


Professor Tiddles patted the large cardboard box and purred at her students, “And so, because we don’t know if the human is alive or dead we must assume he is both.”

“That doesn’t make sense!” said Felix to Smokey, on the third row.

“You’re right,” replied Smokey. “Anyway, he is obviously dead.”

“Oh dear!” said Professor Tiddles lifting the lid and peering in.

“How did you know?” Felix asked Smokey

“Not enough air holes.”

 

[Elckerlyc]

Nah! Wouldn't work with an human inside the box. He will observe his own state. But then again, the world outside his box could meanwhile have been depopulated by a deadly pandemic and now house live and dead versions of everyone (each calling the other version an imposter), until someone (now dead) remembers to open the box...

 

[paranoid marvin]

Here is a reimagining that makes clear my feelings on Schrodinger (sorry, couldn't resist).

____________________


Professor Tiddles patted the large cardboard box and purred at her students, “And so, because we don’t know if the human is alive or dead we must assume he is both.”

“That doesn’t make sense!” said Felix to Smokey, on the third row.

“You’re right,” replied Smokey. “Anyway, he is obviously dead.”

“Oh dear!” said Professor Tiddles lifting the lid and peering in.

“How did you know?” Felix asked Smokey

“Not enough air holes.”

I'm assuming it was Schrodinger in the box!?

That would definitely have made my shortlist!