Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[Rafellin]

@Star-child

Paragraph grouping was somewhat arbitrary, as for a piece as short as this I would usually have no blank lines within it, just start-of-para indents.

Armalite is a word known within common parlance. Yak-40D, not so much. (As an aside, I suspect the Police used 'Armalite' to fit the metre of Invisible Sun.) The inclusion of technical names et al is a practice I enjoy reading. That said, you've only got 300 words. 'Yak-40D' versus 'airplane' was my original take, but I added 'Soviet' to cater for your emphasis on a specific plane.

Gibson may require a certain familiarity with the subject matter... A 300-word competition on a writing forum somewhat reduces your chances of hitting your preferred reader base - and many readers are not going to look up the titbits of depth that may be included unless that are very taken with your story.

A hidden super power? All I got was technologically advanced civilisation. Which speaks more of my lack of match for your writing style than as a critique, but may give a hint as to focus: I missed the core link within the tale.

As for my issue with the title, I suspected something of that sort, but, because I missed the link, it did not work for me. No worries.

Finally, as I got zero votes (which is somewhat of a benchmark for my efforts on here) and you got five, my input should be regarded with caution as to direct applicability, despite some possible relevance to the creation of effective flash.

 

[Star-child]

A hidden super power? All I got was technologically advanced civilisation. Which speaks more of my lack of match for your writing style than as a critique, but may give a hint as to focus: I missed the core link within the tale.

Well, I'm taking it for granted that any advanced technical civilization that is directly above us has as strategic advantage over even a super power like the US.

I just realized that 'Armalite' must have been a word used in UK news reports rather than "AR-18". In most of the world Armalite is unheard of or the obscure division of Hughes Aircraft that developed the M-16, not the name of a specific gun. American Police fans didn't get the specific reference.

Anyway, I really appreciate the feedback.

 

[mosaix]

Please dissect the following. The basis is a conspiracy inside a conspiracy theory, but the construction is my usual attempt to depict a large story through a small window. Thanks!


Beware the Paper Tiger


“General Cao, President Reagan wants this dialogue. That’s why you were invited.”

PRC Chairman of Historical Affairs Cao gave no immediate reaction to the State Department woman. This was not unexpected. “Our position is that this chart is a cultural artifact of Zheng He’s fleet. It belongs to the People. I don’t understand your reticence – this is Chinese history.”

Julie Winn offered an ambassador’s smile, “I felt the same, until the Stanford group detailed some problems with that theory. Do you see this lake, and these mountain peaks? Precisely located, just as the coastlines are, on an inexplicable perspective projection? This map is not something a fifteenth century mariner could have drawn.”

Cao rose, thumping the photocopied parchment with a rigid finger as he spoke, “Please relay our disappointment at this imperialist appropriation of our cultural objects.” The secretary leapt up to grab the attaché case, storming out behind his boss as a startled Winn stammered at their backs, “We don’t know who drew this map!”


Security reported that Cao’s plane, registered as a Soviet made Yak-40D, departed twenty minutes later. On board, the younger man addressed the pensive diplomat. “They are going to figure it out, eventually.”

“It will be decades before they have a theory, and even longer before they can test that theory. There’s time.”

Passing 8000 feet the engines cut fuel, heating the turbine air without combustion. Thirty minutes later the pilot checked out with Pacific ATC and left radar control. The synthetic radar echo switched off, and the contours of the airframe warped and reset to hypersonic aerodynamics.

At mach seven, the now unrecognizable aircraft crushed its passengers with a high G climb. As the windows revealed stars, super heated Jet A plasma propelled them through low earth orbit.


Cao Sing was returning home.

Well, I loved this piece and, as you know, I voted for it. I thought the dialogue was just right and the clues dropped at just the right level.

It brought back memories of my favourite style of SF - short stories from Analog from the 50s and 60s.

There is one very minor point, and it is minor. Thumping with a stiff finger didn’t seem quite right. For me, thumping is always with a fist. Stabbing is done with a finger.

 

[Peter V]

Hi all

I am moved to post here after what (I believe) is my worst performance in a 300 competition since I started entering. I was saved from a blank by The Judge at the death (thank you again) but with only three other mentions, it is clear my tale failed to resonate with the vast majority of people.

Contrary to the actual result, I was actually quite pleased with my effort. Perhaps the part explaining what was actually happening was a bit clunky but outside of that, I was reasonably happy with the end result. Trust me, this is quite often not the case.

So I guess I need my eyes opening to what was wrong with it. What exactly did people either not like, or at the least find bland or uninspiring for it to receive so little love? I know you will not hold back and all criticism here is constructive, so dissect away.


One Day.

From my vantage point I look down upon the Pride of Plymouth as she rounds the headland, the snap and crack of her sails audible above the wind. Her stay will be brief, dropping off mail and a few luxuries, picking up water and bread in return. It would be easy to go down to the landing, to step aboard and sail away on the evening tide but instead, I turn and walk back to the house.

When I arrived on the island, all those years ago, I could not have imagined never leaving and even less so, that it would be my choice to stay. For this island is bleak, frequently lashed by storms and rarely warm, even in the height of summer. Visitors are rare and though I yearn for fresh company, I will shun the opportunity to speak with those arriving today, for fear they may test my resolve.

Sometimes, briefly, I think I should leave and in those moments I imagine finding her in some far country, alone and confused, all memory of me erased. A fantasy of course, for I know my search would be fruitless; Silvie is no longer on Earth. Such a pointless exercise would merely leave me embittered and even more lonely. I tell myself that her failure to return is indeed because she has forgotten. It may even be true. I hope it is.

Here I must wait, for if she returns, it is only here she can come.

She opened a portal in anger and passed through without proper preparation or precautions, taking the controller with her. In these circumstances, albeit rarely, there are sometimes side effects, including memory loss. Even for experienced travelers like Silvie.

I hope one day that she will remember me.

And forgive me.

One day.

 

[Peter V]

@ Elckerlyc

I enjoyed your tale from the first read and I thought it was quite clear what was going on. If I enjoy a tale enough I will consider it for a vote and originality or a complete surprise will always stand it in good stead. I am not likely to mark a tale down for grammar, spelling or syntax, unless jarring and will generally only judge on those grounds if I was struggling to separate two tales. I am far from perfect myself, so leave that to those better qualified.

I voted for it because I enjoyed your characterisation of Napoleon and felt you captured his misery perfectly.

 

[Elckerlyc]

@ Elckerlyc

I enjoyed your tale from the first read and I thought it was quite clear what was going on. If I enjoy a tale enough I will consider it for a vote and originality or a complete surprise will always stand it in good stead. I am not likely to mark a tale down for grammar, spelling or syntax, unless jarring and will generally only judge on those grounds if I was struggling to separate two tales. I am far from perfect myself, so leave that to those better qualified.

I voted for it because I enjoyed your characterisation of Napoleon and felt you captured his misery perfectly.

Thanks again for the vote and why you voted for it.

I think I use more or less use the same criteria as you do when judging stories. It must be well told, hold my attention and have some depth.
In my view there was nothing wrong with your story. You got a mention from me and only barely fell short for a vote.
It is a bit weird, really. I got the feeling that style-wise your story wasn't far off from your entry for the previous challenge. Which brought you victory.
Perhaps it was this (experienced person?) stepping unprepared through a time--portal in anger, yet does take the controller with her. Maybe a tad too farfetched? Few people can relate to such a mishap!

 

[Peter V]

Perhaps it was this (experienced person?) stepping unprepared through a time--portal in anger, yet does take the controller with her. Maybe a tad too farfetched? Few people can relate to such a mishap!

In real life, humans do spur of the moment things in anger and often have to live with the consequences

 

[Elckerlyc]

There is so much talent in this forum! As a brand spanking newbie writer, I love that there is so much material here to peruse and learn from - I'm very thankful for having stumbled onto this treasure of a forum.

If you have a moment to spare, I would love any/all feedback or comments - the more brutal the better (so I can correct bad habits very early in my writing)! I'll be checking back on this thread regularly to provide feedback to others on their stories as well!

Revenge of the Meek (January 2020 - 300 word challenge)

The smell was finally starting to get to him. Ragu landed with a soft thud in the small canoe and gestured towards the open sea. “Go Babu! That’s the last one!” Babu nodded and began rowing long, powerful strokes. There were no signs they’d been seen, and in moments the night had swallowed the anchored frigate’s massive form, leaving only the sound of its sails snapping in the vicious wind.

   Ragu finally exhaled and dipped his arms into the warm seawater, hoping to weaken the stench of the black rimfire smeared on his limbs. He knew it was no use, the odor would haunt him always, and that tomorrow deep, open wounds would crisscross his arms. The extraordinarily corrosive sludge spared nothing – not his flesh, not his nose, nor the wooden decks of the four pirate ships it had been slopped on. The slime would spare nothing until it met the ocean floor.

“You did it Ragu.” Ragu’s eyes widened – never before had his warrior name been uttered. Recognizing awe in Babu’s eyes, a momentary tinge of pride pierced his pain fog. “By morning, your name will be exalted on the lips of our people.” 

      The pride quickly faded to searing sadness. “Yes - what’s left of our people.” The pirates, appearing two days ago had wasted no time plundering and slaughtering. The survivors had made their way to the veiled caves, and now waited for the return of the four canoes carrying their last hope. Ragu knew the other warriors would be similarly successful – stalking unseen in the shadows was second nature to them.

      Behind them, a bright flash lit up the night, followed by a deafening BOOM. Then another thunderous flash-boom, and yet another. The rimfire had reached the ordnance in the belly of the ships. Babu smiled.

I don't think I have much to add to what TJ already said.
It was a well told story, but some details just didn't seem to make sense.
How much rimfire did Ragu take with him to 'slop on the decks'? Would he not need 2 hands to climb aboard a large (massive!) vessel from a low riding canoe. No watch about on the decks? You may hide well in the shadows, but slopping rimfire on the decks must take some time, while the stuff seems highly active.
Why did they paddle towards the open sea and not the island? And I suspect that sails do not make snapping sounds on a anchored ship that has its sails reefed.
All this is to say that telling a story is one thing (and for that my compliments), but following an idea and have it also logically consistent takes some thought. And 300 words does not leave much room for extensive explanations.

 

[Star-child]

Here I must wait, for if she returns, it is only here she can come.

I couldn't get past the language. It is neither the language of the period or the future, so it becomes highly conspicuous - like the words of a televangelist. The story concept was solid, but the text reads like mostly hand-wringing by an anachronistic character.

 

[Elckerlyc]

In real life, humans do spur of the moment things in anger and often have to live with the consequences

Absolutely true. But I have never ran out of the house in anger with the TV remote in my pocket.

 

[ozmosis]

I don't think I have much to add to what TJ already said.
It was a well told story, but some details just didn't seem to make sense.
How much rimfire did Ragu take with him to 'slop on the decks'? Would he not need 2 hands to climb aboard a large (massive!) vessel from a low riding canoe. No watch about on the decks? You may hide well in the shadows, but slopping rimfire on the decks must take some time, while the stuff seems highly active.
Why did they paddle towards the open sea and not the island? And I suspect that sails do not make snapping sounds on a anchored ship that has its sails reefed.
All this is to say that telling a story is one thing (and for that my compliments), but following an idea and have it also logically consistent takes some thought. And 300 words does not leave much room for extensive explanations.

Thank you

I don't think I have much to add to what TJ already said.
It was a well told story, but some details just didn't seem to make sense.
How much rimfire did Ragu take with him to 'slop on the decks'? Would he not need 2 hands to climb aboard a large (massive!) vessel from a low riding canoe. No watch about on the decks? You may hide well in the shadows, but slopping rimfire on the decks must take some time, while the stuff seems highly active.
Why did they paddle towards the open sea and not the island? And I suspect that sails do not make snapping sounds on a anchored ship that has its sails reefed.
All this is to say that telling a story is one thing (and for that my compliments), but following an idea and have it also logically consistent takes some thought. And 300 words does not leave much room for extensive explanations.

Thank you Elck! Those are great points. I now recognize the need to either explain my assumptions better (where they're needed for the story) or to leave them out all together. The snapping sails on an anchored ship - also brilliant. I see how illogical/incorrect details really pull the reader out of the story and into an investigative mindset. Thank you kindly for your great advice!

Star-child -- to be honest, yours was one of the stories that I didn't fully understand. I couldn't work out if the map is a modern forgery or is a genuine artefact from the C15th but Zheng He had access to planes/spacecraft because Chinese technology was so advanced or he is/they are aliens. Likewise, I couldn't decide if Cao Sing's plane is advanced tech, incredibly ahead of the West, or he and his cohorts -- or all Chinese?? -- are aliens. His comment about "There's time" also confused me -- time for China to become pre-eminent or aliens to take over everything? And I couldn't understand the reference to President Reagen, suggesting this is all happening in the 1980s -- was there an actual dispute over a Chinese map then?

From my perspective this needed more explanation -- the plot is clear to you because you know what is going on, of course. I'd always suggest erring on the side of over-explanation, and there's plenty here which doesn't advance the plot and could be removed with affecting the story, thereby giving you room to be more explicit.


ozmosis -- I really liked your opening paragraph, and largely on the strength of that your story hovered at the edge of my mental longlist for a while. I also liked the general tenor of the story. However, on a re-read it seemed a tad lacking. You give the backstory of the pirates arriving, but pirates surely hit and run, they don't stay where they'd have to work on the land, so the villagers could just wait them out. And if they're so good at hiding in shadows, how come so many of them were killed?

More importantly, the rimfire itself didn't make sense to me, though that could be because I'm missing something. You say it's highly corrosive, but there's no indication how it was made/found and carried to the ships without going through the containers and their boats. If it can burn through wooden planks, how is it Ragu will only have open wounds, suggesting merely his skin is burnt -- surely it would go through skin, bone, muscle, all? And why would it take until tomorrow to burn those wounds when the wood is being eaten at once? Why is it on his arms, anyway? Surely they'd use tools to spread it, and if not, if would be on his hands alone unless he was clumsy. And if he's in pain from it, why do you start with its stench, which is surely a minor issue? And how does it set off ordnance? Cannons and cannonballs are just going to melt! I've no idea if gunpowder explodes if something acid hits it, but what are the chances of barrels being hit by the rimfire unless Ragu and his people know exactly where it's stored and therefore where to spread the stuff? I know this sounds daft, questioning things like this, but to me these are loose ends which could so easily be tied up with a few words.

I also couldn't grasp the significance of Babu calling Ragu by name -- I don't think it added enough to the story to justify its place when every word has to count.

On a word use note: the repetition of "spare(d) nothing" didn't work for me and just seemed ungainly; to my mind sludge and slime have very different textures and properties, so calling the rimfire both, and in consecutive sentences, felt wrong; using "limbs" not just repeating "arms" makes it appear his legs are covered too, though presumably they're not; Babu is rowing, but you call their craft a canoe, which is surely propelled by paddling; a ragu is a sauce made with meat and tomatoes so as a name it didn't work for me; and Ragu/Babu seemed a tad babyish as names which worked against the story for me.

Overall, I liked the idea, but for my taste it needed a bit more thought in the story to make it compelling. But not at all bad for your first 300 worder! Well done.

Thank you very much Judge! Now that I look at it with your comments in mind - I see that I applied assumptions liberally (i.e. took it for granted that the rimfire would eat through wood quickly but slower with skin, etc). In the end, these assumptions became a distraction and took away from the story as a whole. I tend to do a lot of that with my creative writing - so this is something I now see needs to be much more refined.

The consistency issues you and Elck pointed out are also great (i.e. why paddle to the open sea if they are supposed to be going to the caves, etc.), and the boat type (canoe requires paddles, not rowing). This means I should take more time to research the things I use in my stories.

Thank you very much - your comments will have gone a long way to improving my work!

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Peter V:

It probably isn't very helpful for me to say that there is nothing at all wrong with your story. Good, vivid sensory details, a clear and elegant style, strong emotional appeal, and so on. I can't see anything that I would change.

Desperately trying to find some reason why it may not have drawn as much attention as other stories, I can only guess that, because it is a mood piece rather than a plot-driven story, it may not seem as dramatic to some readers. It presents a situation that is not likely to change; everything of importance has already happened before the story begins. That's not a flaw, it just means that it's a different kind of work.

 

[Peter V]

Peter V:

It probably isn't very helpful for me to say that there is nothing at all wrong with your story. Good, vivid sensory details, a clear and elegant style, strong emotional appeal, and so on. I can't see anything that I would change.

Desperately trying to find some reason why it may not have drawn as much attention as other stories, I can only guess that, because it is a mood piece rather than a plot-driven story, it may not seem as dramatic to some readers. It presents a situation that is not likely to change; everything of importance has already happened before the story begins. That's not a flaw, it just means that it's a different kind of work.

Thank you for the feedback Victoria. You may well have hit the nail on the head. It is bleak in nature and as you say unresolved. Certainly there are more interesting & exciting tales on offer and I think I was hoping for the tormented and emotional state of my protagonist to carry it, along with a descriptive style to enhance readability.

I think that in itself divides opinion - for Star-child it came across as self pity - whereas I was trying to at least convey some sense of sacrifice; the abandoning of a life (albeit not the life the protagonist would have chosen) for the slimmest chance of being reunited.

I appreciate all feedback because it is really insightful.

Thank you

 

[Phyrebrat]

@Star-child yours was on my shortlist; I've not had time to post my shortlist and thanks for mentions/votes yet, so I'll comment on this when I get a mo; I can't recall off the top of my head why I decided to give my 3 to the other on my shortlist - often it goes that way and my choice can be superficially circumstantial. What I liked about your story was the denseness and sense of gravity (no pun intended) and I'm perfectly happy as a reader to multiple-read passages I might not understand or stop to look up terminology, so that density didn't discomfit me.

Will have a think.

pH

 

[-K2-]

After the competition, I'd like to submit my story here for open critiques--but--I'd like to present a subsequently edited/revised version instead (still meeting the comp. criteria). Is that allowed?

K2

 

[The Judge]

I can't help thinking you're a bit premature here! If you sweep the board with plaudits, that will be critique enough, surely?!

Anyhow, yes you can put an amended story up, but I'd suggest posting both -- the original and the revised version. That way you can get not only confirmation of why people did or did not vote for you on what they saw in the Challenge, but also whether the changes you've now thought of would have affected their decision, which is even more valuable.

 

[-K2-]

I can't help thinking you're a bit premature here! If you sweep the board with plaudits, that will be critique enough, surely?!

Anyhow, yes you can put an amended story up, but I'd suggest posting both -- the original and the revised version. That way you can get not only confirmation of why people did or did not vote for you on what they saw in the Challenge, but also whether the changes you've now thought of would have affected their decision, which is even more valuable.

Thanks @The Judge ; I guess in the end, I'm not concerned why I may have lost or won (compared to others), I'm still at a stage where I'm just hoping to improve. I see your point about both--but--I didn't want to burden those who generously spend their time re-reading 300 words, by upping that to 600. Plus as you might imagine, the revised version is my woulda'-coulda'-shoulda' one. Retrospection is funny like that.

K2

 

[The Judge]

But you might be wrong about the edits you make -- it might be that everyone prefers the original wording -- which in itself will help you improve, by pointing out that second thoughts aren't necessarily better thoughts. (Been there, made that mistake.) If we can easily see both, it's easier for us to compare and offer opinions.

 

[Joshua Jones]

But you might be wrong about the edits you make -- it might be that everyone prefers the original wording -- which in itself will help you improve, by pointing out that second thoughts aren't necessarily better thoughts. (Been there, made that mistake.)

What TJ says here is basically my history in the challenges... so yeah @-K2-, I'm with her here. If you put up both, I have no problem reading both and giving my thoughts, but you'll have to provide the copious serving of salt needed for my 2 cents/pence worth to be, in fact, worth 2 cents/pence.

 

[BT Jones]

Interesting. I'm scanning through this thread for the first time - not because any of my efforts couldn't have been improved, but because trying to improve them after the fact seemed pointless. It seems a fine line, doesn't it; to try and improve something because of errors / lack of flow / missing exposition versus redoing them simply because they didn't touch other SFFers.

Speaking as someone with maybe 1 or 2 votes to my name over all comps since February, I'm hardly in a position to comment either way, but I think what @Rafellin said a few posts back hit the nail on the head. There would be such a wide range of tastes for genre, mood and both narrative and writing style, that it's literally impossible to produce something that touches everyone, so it really becomes a case of whether you can cross the genres and make something a little more populist that can appeal to a broader audience - and do so naturally, without being guilty of trying to pander.

And I struggle with that concept. Perhaps as a result of these gloomy times, it seems to me SFFers are leaning more toward the light, airy and whimsical these last few months. Whilst there's nothing wrong with that (and many such entries have been superb), it's not something I would every forcibly try to do unless it felt like a natural take on the brief.

I think, for me, the biggest virtue or reading other people's entries is that there are certain writers that I am increasingly drawn towards because they speak more to my tastes and style. This can be a nice way of forming an accord or even an electronic friendship with a particular SFFer.

This all being said, should my most recent 300-worder (The Last Day) end with no votes, I would be curious to know of there were any mitigating circumstances over its lack of appeal, as I was very happy with it. It's one thing to make something people liked, but liked far less than the ones the voted for. It's another if people felt I didn't get the brief right, or didn't understand something.

I found a lot of people wrote specifically about forest paths, trees and sunlight, whereas my first impression of the photo was of something monumental; an ethereal glare or some seismic change in the sun. Perhaps people felt I'd just done another Sci-fi story and hand't answered the brief. I also wondered whether the 'verdant Svalbard' relevance at the end.

I guess it's just good to know if subtle hints / meanings are just perhaps too subtle sometimes.