Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[Dan Jones]

I don't believe that it's badly written @paranoid marvin. It definitely has an MR James feel to it. However, it's littered with punctuation errors, and there are definitely a few Chronners who will automatically omit an entry from consideration if the grammar and punctuation is poor. I'm one of them. I know @Phyrebrat is, too, and I wouldn't mind betting that @The Judge is of a similar mind. Your omission of commas around the dialogue tag area in particular needs sorting out.

"Pride is a sin" he had to remind himself

If this is internal dialogue (which is how I read it) it really should read:

Pride is a sin, he had to remind himself.

Note the italics and comma.

"It's always been the way" replied the warden.

"Superstitious nonsense" declared Samuels " And a waste of good oil.

More missing commas, and erroneous spacings.

discovered at the foot of the Stair the following morning,

A comma instead of a full stop.

As for the endings, I think I prefer the alternative ending, though you could allude to the figure appearing before shifting to the end.

It's a shame, as it's a good entry, but without doing a proper line edit you do run the risk of needlessly losing votes. It might sound harsh, but everyone votes on their own criteria, and for a fair few of us, having an entrant pay due care and attention to their entry is fundamental.

One last word: don't feel too bad about it. @Phyrebrat is a real student of MR James and a dab hand at writing these kinds of ghost stories. His winning entry being a case in point.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Firstly, I would like to say congratulations to Phyrebat for winning this month's competition, and to Astro Pen for a very close runner-up. Secondly, I would like to again say thankyou to those who chose to vote and shortlist my story. I was very, very happy with achieving 5 votes, a number of shortlistings and some really nice comments on my entry.

But I would now ask a favour of those who didn't vote for my story as to where I could have improved. And for those who did, what would have helped to make it even better.

I would also ask a second favour. My intention with this entry was to try to emulate a M R James type of ghost story , but in only 300 words. My personal feeling is that the first part of my story followed his style of writing, but the second didn't, so I wrote what I felt to be a more 'Jamesian' ending. I was toying between the two , and I would appreciate your comments as to whether I chose the right one for my story.

Thankyou in advance, any and all comments (good and bad) are very much appreciated..






The Night Stair


Samuels was most satisfied with his appointment as Canon of the abbey. "Pride is a sin" he had to remind himself; but nevertheless he couldn't resist a smile when regarding the magnificent edifice with it's intricately detailed stained-glass windows and tall Norman arches. What most impressed him was the Night Stair; a flight of forty worn stone steps that rose from the North transept and led to his rooms, formerly the monk's dormitory before the Suppression.

One thing puzzled him. "Why is a lantern left burning every night on the Stair?" he enquired of the churchwarden.

"It's always been the way" replied the warden. "Ever since a young monk late for Matins hurried down the Stair without his candle, tripped and broke his neck. From that day to this, a lantern has been left lit."

"Superstitious nonsense" declared Samuels " And a waste of good oil. If I ever wish to descend those stairs at night, I'll use a torch." And so the light that had burned for centuries was extinguished.

That night Samuels woke from fitful sleep to the sound of loud crashing, accompanied by a blood-curdling scream. Leaping from bed, he ran from his rooms and to the top of the Night Stair.

As his eyes started to become accustomed to the gloom, he sensed the presence before discerning the outline of a cowled figure.

*************************** original ending ****************************************************

"Who's there?" he demanded.

The figure said nothing.

"Churchwarden, is that you?"

The figure said nothing.

Samuels started to feel a little uneasy. "Look, I'm sorry that I put out the lantern. I'll make sure it stays lit from now on, I swear."

The figure said nothing.

His voice now shaking "What... what can I say, what can I do to make things right between us?"

The figure said "NOTHING."


************************* alternative ending ******************************

It's said pride comes before a fall. This was certainly true for Samuels, whose broken body was discovered at the foot of the Stair the following morning, The coroner ruled 'death by misadventure', the likely cause a combination of slippery steps and poor lighting, although the look of abject terror etched on the Canon's face was less easily explained.

The Stair lantern was relit, and I believe remains so to this day.

I voted for this story, along with the two that reached the tie breaker. Firstly, the grammatical errors are fairly minor, unlike many we see in the forum. In this case they would not spoil my enjoyment, although I agree with Dan in principle.

I much prefer the ending you eventually chose. The clever use of the word 'nothing' and a real sense of menace at the end.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hey, pm! I cannot critique a Challenge story without writing wayyy too much, so forgive me, right off the bat, if I go into too much detail. I think this was a good story, but - for me - it didn't click in a way that would make it a vote-worthy story.

I would first point out exactly what Dan did - there were a fair number of typos/editing miscues, and I'm one of those for whom this hurts a story's chances. This is from the first paragraph:

the magnificent edifice with it's intricately detailed stained-glass windows

(my bold). Should be: its. I also noticed the quotation marks around "Pride is a sin" , and italics would have been my preference, too. And as Dan mentioned, there were places where punctuation was missing around dialogue.
Here is a sentence Dan used, but there's also a missing period, along with the missing comma, and the spacing issues:

"Superstitious nonsense" declared Samuels " And a waste of good oil..."
This should be:
"Superstitious nonsense," declared Samuels. "And a waste of good oil..."
But when there are many other good stories without typos, a good story with typos has one check mark against it.
So, that first.

Next, I thought the era of the story wasn't clear. I wasn't sure if this was meant to be happening in the 1800s, the early 1900s, etc. I recognized this as a ghost story... and there are oil lanterns still being used, so I'm thinking 1800s. But the dialogue to me never felt authentically of one era or another. There were archaic turns of phrase, but there were so many contractions, and some phrasings that I don't think someone would have used, say, 150 or 200 years ago (contractions, of course, are a godsend for word count). So the time-sense for me was off, which I found a bit distracting (a torch was mentioned at one point, but I actually wondered if this was meant to be an 1800s torch with a stick, oil and cloth, or a flashlight in, say, the 1910s or 1920s). This all might be just my fault, as a reader.

I think there were some loose word choices, for example:
As his eyes started to become accustomed to the gloom...
What about:
As his eyes became accustomed to the gloom...

This would have saved two words towards your word count, and there are a number of places where things could have been tightened up.
One reason I mention tightening is because it allows for more specificity in other places, where additional words could have really helped give us a more concrete image of the setting, or the characters. For example:
...he couldn't resist a smile when regarding the magnificent edifice with it's intricately detailed stained-glass windows...

If we could see a stained glass window, your setting would be more immersive, more real:
...he couldn't resist a smile when regarding the edifice with its magnificent stained-glass window - Saint George and the Dragon. But what most impressed him...

(Just a thought, and I'm not sure if that's an appropriate window for such a place - not very religious myself.) That to me gives a nice visual image, and makes the abbey seem more real, and with the words cut from the first passage I mentioned, this is I think only one more word than your original.

For me, you used the better of the two endings. I think the second ending would have felt a bit tacked on... I almost feel we'd need another, say, 200 words of story to justify this 'overview from the near future' type of old-feeling ending (feels like an ending from the late 1800s to me). But that said, the chosen ending didn't hit with the impact I think was intended. That's in part because I wasn't 100% sure if the crashing-screaming fall that the MC heard was someone new falling down the stairs and getting killed, or the ghostly revisiting of the young monk that fell to his death centuries before.
That made me not 100% sure if the 'Nothing' spirit the new Canon encountered was the previously killed monk, or the new spirit of the just-now killed person. But this all might just be my misreading.

I am a fan of your Challenge stories, pm, and that's the final thing I'll mention - I think sometimes someone who enters many-many Challenges becomes a victim of their previous, excellent stories. This might seem unfair, but I think almost subconsciously, I sometimes might sense that a new story isn't quite up to the standards of an author's regular entries, and if it then comes down, when listing or voting, to a choice between several stories, I might choose the other, in this circumstance.

It was a Challenge with a lot of good stories, including yours. And you outscored me 5 to 2 in votes, so not a bad result, at all. I hope none of what I wrote sounded negative - I know that hearing what others think might be off about your own story can sometimes be tough. Just keep writing, and keep up the good work, CC

 

[Phyrebrat]

@paranoid marvin I just had to check my shortlist in the 300 Disc thread because I was sure I had voted or Shortlisted your story.

I’ll reply properly with any thoughts when I get home but off the top off my head I appreciated the Jamesian echoes and very much enjoyed the references to parts of a church/priory etc. i don’t know what it is about the term ‘night stairs’ that always gets me daydreaming, but it’s deliciously evocative.

More stories with references to night stairs!!!

 

[Parson]

I hesitate to say anything after the drubbing you took on punctuation. Let's just say that I didn't notice those errors.

I loved the mood of the story. I could see myself treading the "night stair" trying but not succeeding to reign in my self satisfaction, giddy on the power which I now had. (Night Stair - before @Phyrebrat's comment I would have thought was your own creation. --- Protestant, out of the plain church tradition, you know.) I loved the foreboding feel of a too proud and too full of himself Abbot changing a tradition on a whim without considering the whole story.

As to how it could be improved, I am unsure. My feeling is that it has something to do with the ending. I am not much of a fan of stories that leave the reader to supply the ending. But, I also am not a fan of your alternate ending. I think the real answer is that your story needed a bit more work. It's potential for being something special is obvious and I liked it as it was written, just not well enough to get a vote or a mention.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I have a question, and I promise I'm not being contentious at all, and I'm not critical of any comments made by folks here (or in the 300 Worder discussion thread) wherein they comment on the perceived severity of earlier 'Improving our 300 Word Stories' posts... but I wonder whether we are supposed to be open when we comment in the Improving threads?
I feel bad now about my post on pm's story. I guess what we don't know is whether a person posting in the Improving threads is an aspiring author, or someone just entering the Challenges for fun. If someone (anyone) wants to be published, they have to improve, and they have to know what others think might be correctable flaws in their writing (especially if a number of other readers see the same issues). I'd think agents and publishers would be a lot more severe than what we see here.
If someone's entering for fun, I wouldn't expect them to post in the Improving threads, but I could be wrong. Paranoid marvin, forgive me if my post was too severe, and apologies to anyone who might have thought my comments too harsh.

 

[The Judge]

(Night Stair - before @Phyrebrat's comment I would have thought was your own creation. --- Protestant, out of the plain church tradition, you know.)

Not at all PM's creation, Parson. The night stairs were, quite literally, the stairs used by monks/canons to get straight from their dorter (dormitory) into the abbey church for the night services -- usually debouching into a transept, I think -- so they didn't have to go outside.

I have a question, and I promise I'm not being contentious at all, and I'm not critical of any comments made by folks here (or in the 300 Worder discussion thread) wherein they comment on the perceived severity of earlier 'Improving our 300 Word Stories' posts... but I wonder whether we are supposed to be open when we comment in the Improving threads?

If someone asks for feedback here they deserve to hear the truth, so yes, to my mind we must be open and honest in what we say, with the overriding principle, of course, that we give constructive criticism with a view to helping the author improve -- we don't criticise in a mean-spirited or negative way (which no one here ever does). It's also imperative that we give criticism courteously, and if we know someone is a newcomer to the Challenges that we go out of our way to be kind (which everyone here always does). But it's still the case that it can feel like one is being flayed when one's story is picked apart, and if one is feeling low at the time, then inevitably it's going to hurt badly no matter how kindly the comments are made and intended.

If someone's entering for fun, I wouldn't expect them to post in the Improving threads, but I could be wrong.

That would also be my expectation, or rather -- since even someone doing it for fun might want to get better at the Challenges -- I wouldn't expect anyone to post work here if s/he wasn't truly wanting help to improve.

Paranoid marvin, forgive me if my post was too severe, and apologies to anyone who might have thought my comments too harsh.

I can't speak for PM, but from my viewpoint -- and with my mod's hat on ie with an eye to ensure things are done properly here -- you're worrying unnecessarily. Your posts never are severe nor harsh. Indeed, you're always (needlessly!) self-deprecating about your ability to critique and you go out of the way to make it clear it's only your opinion etc, plus you're always enthusiastic in your praise and adept at finding positive things to say. So stop doing yourself down!

 

[paranoid marvin]

I have a question, and I promise I'm not being contentious at all, and I'm not critical of any comments made by folks here (or in the 300 Worder discussion thread) wherein they comment on the perceived severity of earlier 'Improving our 300 Word Stories' posts... but I wonder whether we are supposed to be open when we comment in the Improving threads?
I feel bad now about my post on pm's story. I guess what we don't know is whether a person posting in the Improving threads is an aspiring author, or someone just entering the Challenges for fun. If someone (anyone) wants to be published, they have to improve, and they have to know what others think might be correctable flaws in their writing (especially if a number of other readers see the same issues). I'd think agents and publishers would be a lot more severe than what we see here.
If someone's entering for fun, I wouldn't expect them to post in the Improving threads, but I could be wrong. Paranoid marvin, forgive me if my post was too severe, and apologies to anyone who might have thought my comments too harsh.

Thanks CC. I take any constructive feedback as positive, and I know that the intention is only ever to help the author improve.

Please don't feel bad, because I asked for an honest opinion , and you (and others) gave it in a structured, constructive manner. I would much rather that than you said it was fine (or said nothing) and I would still be wondering where I might be going wrong.

I am still quite a newcomer when it comes to 300 worders, and there probably isn't the same amount of opportunity to misplace commas in 75 worders (and even less so in poetry) than there is in longer pieces of writing. I usually feel quite confident with my use of punctuation, but I wasn't aware (or had forgotten) that one is placed at the end of part of a piece of conversation, and I had no idea that it's wasn't grammatically correct when substituting the name of a 'thing' for 'it'.

Thanks all for your comments and feedback, it is very much appreciated.

 

[Peter V]

I have a question, and I promise I'm not being contentious at all, and I'm not critical of any comments made by folks here (or in the 300 Worder discussion thread) wherein they comment on the perceived severity of earlier 'Improving our 300 Word Stories' posts... but I wonder whether we are supposed to be open when we comment in the Improving threads?
I feel bad now about my post on pm's story. I guess what we don't know is whether a person posting in the Improving threads is an aspiring author, or someone just entering the Challenges for fun. If someone (anyone) wants to be published, they have to improve, and they have to know what others think might be correctable flaws in their writing (especially if a number of other readers see the same issues). I'd think agents and publishers would be a lot more severe than what we see here.
If someone's entering for fun, I wouldn't expect them to post in the Improving threads, but I could be wrong. Paranoid marvin, forgive me if my post was too severe, and apologies to anyone who might have thought my comments too harsh.

Hi CC

I think if anyone posts their story in here, they have to be prepared to accept whatever comes their way, as I am confident that honesty and a desire to be constructive is at the heart of the responses. The writer may or may not agree with what is said, much is often subjective, but there are a lot of very good writers here who offer invaluable insight. Even ripping a story to shreds probably has its benefits in the long run.

I mentioned not putting my tale in here this time, despite its relative lack of attention. I have personally given myself two reasons why it fared as it did and both are valid reasons for a lack of mentions (one more than the other) and that is without the other very obvious fact that there were several absolute crackers it was up against.

I felt I had to respond to you CC as you may have misread my "dismembered" comment as criticism. I can assure you it is not, I had not even read your comment on PM's story at the time. My post was perhaps couched in an an overly dramatic manner but I was merely trying to convey a lack of energy and concentration to engage properly in, and benefit fully from, any constructive dissection of my story at this time.

As you were sir...

Peter

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Thanks TJ, pm and Peter for the comments. I know from personal experience that we often do not see our stories the way others do, and that is what I hope to add if I respond to a story posted in 'Improving...': a perhaps unexpected perspective.

Peter, I thought you might have read my post on pm's story, but sorry I assumed that, when it was wrong. I wouldn't have been offended if you had and then commented using the word 'dismembered', but I would have felt bad personally if it seemed I had dismembered another member's story, in my Improving post. That is the reason for my own post just above here. But glad that wasn't the case. Pm's story is good, and sometimes tough love is best when giving a critique... but tough love, with an edge of kindness, is what I had intended. Okay, enough from me, CC

edit: and Peter, I am sorry if things are tough now, and I do hope it all will be better soon.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I hesitate to say anything after the drubbing you took on punctuation. Let's just say that I didn't notice those errors.

I loved the mood of the story. I could see myself treading the "night stair" trying but not succeeding to reign in my self satisfaction, giddy on the power which I now had. (Night Stair - before @Phyrebrat's comment I would have thought was your own creation. --- Protestant, out of the plain church tradition, you know.) I loved the foreboding feel of a too proud and too full of himself Abbot changing a tradition on a whim without considering the whole story.

As to how it could be improved, I am unsure. My feeling is that it has something to do with the ending. I am not much of a fan of stories that leave the reader to supply the ending. But, I also am not a fan of your alternate ending. I think the real answer is that your story needed a bit more work. It's potential for being something special is obvious and I liked it as it was written, just not well enough to get a vote or a mention.

I didn't notice several myself, as I had forgotten some of the rules myself. One of the benefits of asking for feedback, and I'll (hopefully) be less likely to miss them in future.

.I have always enjoyed visiting castles around the UK, but it was only a decade or so ago that I realised that old cathedrals, monasteries and churches are just as interesting. And in many cases moreso, for (unlike castles) they have remained largely unaltered (and usually still have roofs!). Of all the parts of them I find idea of the night stair to be one of the most wonderful creations, and I can just picture all the monks - young and old - having to get out of bed and toddle down the night stair at 2am on a freezing cold January morning to celebrate mass, then straight back up them to bed again afterwards!

 

[Parson]

By way of information. I've taken the job of welcoming all of the first time submitters to the 75 word and 300 word challenges. In my note to them I always include this line:

If you want some people to critique your entry both positively and negatively after the monthly contest voting is done you can post here: Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST (Of course it's a different link for the 300 Word Contest)

So at least none of the people who started posting in the last 2 years or so should have any expectation that there will not be some negative feedback.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

By way of information. I've taken the job of welcoming all of the first time submitters to the 75 word and 300 word challenges. In my note to them I always include this line:

If you want some people to critique your entry both positively and negatively after the monthly contest voting is done you can post here: Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST (Of course it's a different link for the 300 Word Contest)

So at least none of the people who started posting in the last 2 years or so should have any expectation that there will not be some negative feedback.

The welcome message was much appreciated.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I don't believe that it's badly written @paranoid marvin. It definitely has an MR James feel to it. However, it's littered with punctuation errors, and there are definitely a few Chronners who will automatically omit an entry from consideration if the grammar and punctuation is poor. I'm one of them. I know @Phyrebrat is, too, and I wouldn't mind betting that @The Judge is of a similar mind. Your omission of commas around the dialogue tag area in particular needs sorting out.


If this is internal dialogue (which is how I read it) it really should read:

Pride is a sin, he had to remind himself.

Note the italics and comma.



More missing commas, and erroneous spacings.


A comma instead of a full stop.

As for the endings, I think I prefer the alternative ending, though you could allude to the figure appearing before shifting to the end.

It's a shame, as it's a good entry, but without doing a proper line edit you do run the risk of needlessly losing votes. It might sound harsh, but everyone votes on their own criteria, and for a fair few of us, having an entrant pay due care and attention to their entry is fundamental.

One last word: don't feel too bad about it. @Phyrebrat is a real student of MR James and a dab hand at writing these kinds of ghost stories. His winning entry being a case in point.

Thanks for this. I've always thought of grammar as an easier fix than coming up with an entertaining story. As mentioned above, the lack of commas in my speech was not something that had occurred to me as being grammatically correct. I've just flicked through a couple of books by my favourite authors, and they follow the same rules you mention, so I'm not sure why I hadn't realised that.

And I'm definitely kicking myself for the Pride is a sin, which most certainly shouldn't have been in speech marks.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I voted for this story, along with the two that reached the tie breaker. Firstly, the grammatical errors are fairly minor, unlike many we see in the forum. In this case they would not spoil my enjoyment, although I agree with Dan in principle.

I much prefer the ending you eventually chose. The clever use of the word 'nothing' and a real sense of menace at the end.

Thankyou for for this. I hoped that the ending would resonate with readers, and I'm glad it did for you.

 

[paranoid marvin]

By way of information. I've taken the job of welcoming all of the first time submitters to the 75 word and 300 word challenges. In my note to them I always include this line:

If you want some people to critique your entry both positively and negatively after the monthly contest voting is done you can post here: Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST (Of course it's a different link for the 300 Word Contest)

So at least none of the people who started posting in the last 2 years or so should have any expectation that there will not be some negative feedback.

What a fine and very thoughtful thing to do. If you could have gone up any higher in my estimation, you would have.

 

[Parson]

What a fine and very thoughtful thing to do. If you could have gone up any higher in my estimation, you would have.

Where's the embarrassed emoticon? Thanks for these kind words.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my almost-but-too-long-though-easily-trimmed Q1-2022 entry, (re)produced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

Non-binary

“You look beautiful, Miranda,” Alonso said to his daughter. The traditional veil and lavender dress flowed down her like the delicate cascade of petals from a jacaranda tree.

Miranda smiled and adjusted the bow tie clasped to his collar. “And you, handsome as always.” He smiled back, trying to mask the nervous twitch at the corner of his mouth. She must have noticed.

“Look Daddy, I know you don’t approve of this marriage—“

“Of course I approve!” he interrupted, startled by her effortless excavation of his deepest buried sentiments. He calmed his voice. “I have always supported you, and I always will. Especially this.” He hugged her tight before she could protest further.

In truth, he was afraid. Ever since that interstellar signal had been received those few years ago, he had secretly feared this day and what it meant. For that signal brought with it, not a biological alien species that human weapons could target, but an intelligent and sentient collective of zillions of intangible electronic pulses. The aliens—binaries as they came to be called—established contact through the vast human network of 3D haptic entertainment chambers. It had only been a matter of time before a human and binary fell in virtual love.

Miranda gently pushed her father away. His eyes looked both happy and sad, like he was reluctantly gifting something special. She realized that indeed he was.

“I know you want grandchildren, Daddy. We want kids too. We’ve already made arrangements. There are so many—both human and binary—who need a loving home.”

His eyes softened, and she thought a tear formed, but he took her hand and quickly turned away.

“It’s time to get your life started,” he said, and gently escorted her to the awaiting haptic chamber.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

There is very little, if anything, wrong with this story. The premise is original and intriguing, there's strong emotional appeal, and good use of sensory details.

If I have to nitpick, I could point out a few things.

I might delete "that human weapons could target," as there is no other indication that the aliens are hostile, and it changes the mood in a misleading way.

"Intelligent and sentient" seems redundant.

The word "gifting" grates on my ear, although it's been used for centuries in this way. I understand you need to have something to go with the description "both happy and sad," so "losing" wouldn't quite work. (I have to admit that I wonder whether it's even possible for eyes to seem both happy and sad, but that's subjective. I might also prefer "as if he were" [subjunctive mood triggered by "if," although that seems to be disappearing from the English language, hence the change from "was" to "were"] rather than "like he was." I suppose I'd wind up with something like "He smiled, but his eyes were sad, as if he were quietly losing something special.")

As I said, these are very minor points. It's a good story.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my almost-but-too-long-though-easily-trimmed Q1-2022 entry, (re)produced here in its entirety for your convenience. Thanks!

It is a good story. If I have to criticize (because you have asked us to):

I would say it is a little one dimensional. You introduce the idea of the alien and human falling in love through virtual reality technology (in the middle part of the story) and that is the main point. There is no real twist after that. I wondered if something was going to go wrong at the end. Maybe if you had built up the expectation that her fiancé was a wonderful (but conventional) man and then shocked us in the final sentence by revealing that he is a formless collection of 1s and 0s - but, hey, aren't modern VR suites are wonderful? - then it might have had more impact. As it is, it lacks a sense of climax.