Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[paranoid marvin]

Hi JS Wiig. I agree with a number of points raised.

A few suggestions I would make (and also help reduce wordcount which would help with my final point)

“You look beautiful, Miranda,” Alonso said to his daughter. The traditional veil and lavender dress flowed down her like the delicate cascade of petals from a jacaranda tree.

Personally I would omit the highlighted section, and perhaps even Miranda. There's no need to introduce their names into the story, and she could reply with “And you father, handsome as always.” to signify the relationship. I think it makes the first paragraph more 'punchy' and the extra words could be used elsewhere.


In truth, he was afraid. Ever since that interstellar signal had been received those few years ago, he had secretly feared this day and what it meant. For that signal brought with it, not a biological alien species that human weapons could target, but an intelligent and sentient collective of zillions of intangible electronic pulses. The aliens—binaries as they came to be called—established contact through the vast human network of 3D haptic entertainment chambers. It had only been a matter of time before a human and binary fell in virtual love.


As Victoria suggests, I would leave out the human weapons bit, and to make the feelings more real, the word 'virtual'.

Miranda gently pushed her father away. His eyes looked both happy and sad, like he was reluctantly gifting something special. She realized that indeed he was.

'Precious' may work better than 'special'? Also 'She realized that indeed he was.' makes her sound a bit full of herself - she hadn't appreciated just how special/precious until now could be an alternative.

Most of these are minor points. Your entry was well written, and included some good ideas, but I think more needed to be done to make it a story with a sense of purpose. However with very few tweaks, it could have been turned into one with a nice twist and memorable ending. You've set up the idea of a his daughter being given away to an alien, non-humanoid species, so how about if her father's fear and sense of loss earlier in the tale are because she is going to be turned into an electronic pulse herself? So the ending of your story could be that he is leading her (willingly) to a conversion chamber that will transform her from a corporeal human form into pure energy just like her partner?

 

[Parson]

I have little to add as to the criticism. It's a wonderful story filled with potential and originality. I think that's what you should concentrate on. The story has much more to commend it, than it has detractions.

Personally, I had a hard time buying a "real" marriage between a corporal and a not-corporal entity. Beyond the mere physical limits of the marriage it is hard for me to imagine much real connection. It would seem that their experiences would be so vastly different that friendship would be a struggle and marriage is much more than that. Secondly, I thought the title was a little misleading. I understand where you were going with "Non-Binary" and it's clever. But it gave me an entire other expectation of the story.

As has been pointed out there were a few phrases made it seem a bit clunky. (I wish I had a better name.) For me it didn't really flow and the ending could have been punchier.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Victoria Silverwolf, @Christine Wheelwright, @paranoid marvin, @Parson thank you for taking the time to read my story and share your valuable insights.

The muse delivered me “woman marries computer” and I added the father giving away the bride bit, as I have an eleven year old daughter and imagine someday I may do the same.

I was going for the idea that our children seldom follow the exact path we have envisioned for them, and at some point we as parents need to get out of the way and let them be who they are—let them love who they love—especially when it means casting aside our own prejudices.

It seems the middle expository section may be too monolithic and ruins the flow. I could look at a better way to integrate the information, perhaps saving the reveal of the virtual aliens for a better ending.

Thanks again!

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

@Victoria Silverwolf, @Christine Wheelwright, @paranoid marvin, @Parson thank you for taking the time to read my story and share your valuable insights.

The muse delivered me “woman marries computer” and I added the father giving away the bride bit, as I have an eleven year old daughter and imagine someday I may do the same.

I was going for the idea that our children seldom follow the exact path we have envisioned for them, and at some point we as parents need to get out of the way and let them be who they are—let them love who they love—especially when it means casting aside our own prejudices.

It seems the middle expository section may be too monolithic and ruins the flow. I could look at a better way to integrate the information, perhaps saving the reveal of the virtual aliens for a better ending.

Thanks again!

Your story had a great premise. But I've noticed the most successful 75 word stories have an element of surprise or shock in the final sentence or two.

I wonder if I would ever marry a computer . Right now I think real biological men still have the edge (as long as they are properly supervised). Who knows what might happen in the future though.

 

[JS Wiig]

I wonder if I would ever marry a computer .

It seems potentially possible right now with all the online dating and people making relationships without actually ever meeting, and the advancement of virtual reality technology. Makes me wonder…

 

[Astro Pen]

I really enjoyed researching and writing this one, yet it tanked with one vote and a couple of mentions.
I realise that wiping out mankind for its ecological sins isn't going to make one the most popular kid on the block but I did hope that people would like it a bit more than they apparently did. Was it, perhaps, the semi-reportage style? I don't know.
So, team, where did it go so wrong?

The Uprising

The wreck of the SS Seabridge was thought too deep to search for.
In reality it no longer existed. Nor did over 100 million tons of sunk shipping.

Seven miles deep, in the volcanoes of the Mariana trench, they were being melted and reformed by an intelligent species of bipedal lobster.
Not only were the hulls melted but their cargo removed and organised. The 6000 ships sunk by U-boats providing a considerable explosive armoury.

After eighty years they were ready. The pressure sealed vessels, that would enable them to safely reach the near vacuum of the ocean surface, were complete.

They had no idea what was up there, but it had been dropping enormous quantities of pollution and garbage on them for a century. It had to be stopped.

Reaching the incredibly bright surface a rapid reconnaissance took place. The infestation of billions of 'surface creatures' was studied. Their main nesting centres noted.

Although the lobsters lacked information about dry land they had a huge knowledge of volcanology and plate tectonics. Sensitive crustacean antennae knew the tensions and trigger points in the earths geology. Strategic charges were placed on fault lines and near magma chambers.

Their commander signalled, a triple snap of claws.

The San Andreas fault opened first, destroying Southern California. Then Yellowstone erupted, bringing ink black freezing skies and failed agriculture . The Eurasian and African plates slipped and 400 foot tsunamis washed life from the land.

Pleased with the results, they released lifting gas and sunk to the deep safety of the ocean floor.

The commander spoke.

"Brilliant work everyone, an astounding success. Maybe later we can learn to decompress and live up there ourselves."

"We could use those coastal areas to develop our industry and expand our population," he added, oblivious of the irony.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I rather liked the idea of the lobsters coming to the surface etc, but for me it was more of a telling of an idea than a story, certainly at the beginning, and I'm a reader who does need drawn into a good yarn. Others might have liked the science etc more than I did as a reader.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I really enjoyed researching and writing this one, yet it tanked with one vote and a couple of mentions.
I realise that wiping out mankind for its ecological sins isn't going to make one the most popular kid on the block but I did hope that people would like it a bit more than they apparently did. Was it, perhaps, the semi-reportage style? I don't know.
So, team, where did it go so wrong?

The semi-reportage style could be part of it, but the story as a whole didn't really grab me. Perhaps it is my lack of empathy concerning lobsters. I didn't root for them. But mostly I found the ending a bit unsatisfying. Having the commander say "Brilliant work everyone, an astounding success" when they just wiped out the human race seemed, even for a bipedal lobster, a bit callous and crass.
Also, I wondered what the plate tectonics, earthquakes and volcanoes did to the lobsters own habitat. Can't have been very healthy either.

Edited typos; vulcanos -> volcanoes, Can -> Can't

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Yes, maybe the reportage style and straight forward story telling was the problem. What if the story begins with a father talking to his son about how, many years ago, an alien race was defeated using their own scrap that came down from above? The readers might assume the characters are human until the twist at the end, when they are revealed to be intelligent lobsters, and the 'aliens' were in fact the humans. I'm just brainstorming a way in which the story might have been more impactful.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Astro Pen, I liked the idea of the intelligent lobsters and the description of their metallurgy technology. I felt this was a plausible set up. After the intro, though, I felt that a new technology, manipulating plate tectonics was introduced and the initial technology went unused. I didn't feel that this was adequately explained and did not feel that it was reasonable to believe that the creatures could manipulate large pieces of the Earth's crust. I felt that if the story had focused on one technology or the other, then it would have been possible to provide a little more on the lobsters' motivation.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Astro Pen, if I'd made a proper shortlist yours would have been on it. It was a great idea for a story, but it feels like 80% is background info and only the last 20% (when we come into the present) actual story. I was going to suggest having a son sat on his dad's knee (assuming lobsters have by that time developed such body parts!) being told the story, but Christine Wheelwright has already beaten me to it. But the storyline made it both memorable and shortlist-worthy enough an entry for me.

Btw this line Their commander signalled, a triple snap of claws made me think of Zoidberg, and the race of Decapodian coming to the surface to claim the Earth. After that your story had far more humour for me than I think was intended!

 

[paranoid marvin]

Any comments on my entry (copied below) would be appreciated. It was more a bit of fun than a serious contender, and in order for it to be successful it relied not only on a knowledge and a liking for Dad's Army and the main character's traits, but also for me to make it an enjoyable and humorous piece of writing. I am vert appreciative of the 2 votes I got, but any feedback is welcome. Positive or negative , it will all help towards making me a better writer, so please be free with your opinions.

Thanks in advance.


Unable Seamen



"Welcome aboard Nautilus, men . Our mission is to explore the underwater city of the Merpeople. I'm sure that I can count on your courage and resourcefulness to accomplish the task."

"Do you think that's wise, Nemo?"

*sighs* "Yes Wilson, it's perfectly safe; this submersible is equipped with the latest in naval technology. And please address me as 'Captain' in front of the men."

"Yes Nem.., err... Captain."

"Captain Nemo sir, are we going down twenty thousand leagues? That sounds like an awful long way, I'm afraid my ears might pop; my mum wouldn't like that."

"Stupid boy, it's twenty thousand leagues across the ocean, not down. Anyway Pike, the Mermen's city is only ten thousand feet below the surface. Oh, and I thought I told you to take that scarf off, it makes you look ridiculous."

"But mum knitted it especially for this suit; she says that sailors' uniforms are very fetching."

*mutters* "Why doesn't that surprise me."

"Captain, permission to go?"

"Go, Godfrey? Go where? Oh, I see. Certainly not; you should've thought about that before coming aboard. This is a voyage of discovery, not a pleasure cruise."

"But Captain..."

"Oh, very well. Wilson, show him where the head is. Anyone else? Not all at once!"

* * * * * some time later * * * * *

"Captain, I've seen a Merman peering through a porthole; he seems to be holding some sort of weapon. He doesn't look very happy."

"Let's show him what we're made of. Prepare to attack!"

"Permission to launch the torpedo Captain Nemo sir?!"

"That's not the 'fire' button Jones, it opens the emergency escape hatch!"

***** water starts flooding into the submarine *****

"Don't panic Captain Nemo, DON'T PANIC!"

"Calm down man!"

"Ye blitherin' idiot, we're doomed. DOOMED, I tell ye!"

 

[Elckerlyc]

Any comments on my entry (copied below) would be appreciated. It was more a bit of fun than a serious contender, and in order for it to be successful it relied not only on a knowledge and a liking for Dad's Army and the main character's traits, but also for me to make it an enjoyable and humorous piece of writing. I am vert appreciative of the 2 votes I got, but any feedback is welcome. Positive or negative , it will all help towards making me a better writer, so please be free with your opinions.

Thanks in advance.

It was a fun read and very much like Dad's Army. Perhaps a bit too much, it left little room for an original story arc. I'm afraid that DOOMED the story for me, along with the Nautilus.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@paranoid marvin, sometimes you just need to write for yourself. I enjoyed the dialog and I think a longer version of this tale would be amusing to read. Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with "Dad's Army," so I completely missed the intended hook. Perhaps the story could have gone a little further so that the reader would be assured that the crew lived. Leaving everyone drowned at the bottom of the ocean is a little bit of a downer.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Any comments on my entry (copied below) would be appreciated. It was more a bit of fun than a serious contender, and in order for it to be successful it relied not only on a knowledge and a liking for Dad's Army and the main character's traits, but also for me to make it an enjoyable and humorous piece of writing. I am vert appreciative of the 2 votes I got, but any feedback is welcome. Positive or negative , it will all help towards making me a better writer, so please be free with your opinions.

Thanks in advance.


Unable Seamen



"Welcome aboard Nautilus, men . Our mission is to explore the underwater city of the Merpeople. I'm sure that I can count on your courage and resourcefulness to accomplish the task."

"Do you think that's wise, Nemo?"

*sighs* "Yes Wilson, it's perfectly safe; this submersible is equipped with the latest in naval technology. And please address me as 'Captain' in front of the men."

"Yes Nem.., err... Captain."

"Captain Nemo sir, are we going down twenty thousand leagues? That sounds like an awful long way, I'm afraid my ears might pop; my mum wouldn't like that."

"Stupid boy, it's twenty thousand leagues across the ocean, not down. Anyway Pike, the Mermen's city is only ten thousand feet below the surface. Oh, and I thought I told you to take that scarf off, it makes you look ridiculous."

"But mum knitted it especially for this suit; she says that sailors' uniforms are very fetching."

*mutters* "Why doesn't that surprise me."

"Captain, permission to go?"

"Go, Godfrey? Go where? Oh, I see. Certainly not; you should've thought about that before coming aboard. This is a voyage of discovery, not a pleasure cruise."

"But Captain..."

"Oh, very well. Wilson, show him where the head is. Anyone else? Not all at once!"

* * * * * some time later * * * * *

"Captain, I've seen a Merman peering through a porthole; he seems to be holding some sort of weapon. He doesn't look very happy."

"Let's show him what we're made of. Prepare to attack!"

"Permission to launch the torpedo Captain Nemo sir?!"

"That's not the 'fire' button Jones, it opens the emergency escape hatch!"

***** water starts flooding into the submarine *****

"Don't panic Captain Nemo, DON'T PANIC!"

"Calm down man!"

"Ye blitherin' idiot, we're doomed. DOOMED, I tell ye!"

I'm somewhat familiar with Dad's Army, but I remember reading this and thinking you wouldn't get many votes . I mean, anyone who isn't familiar with the TV show is going to be flummoxed by it.

 

[Ian Fortytwo]

Please can you critique this for me thank you.


The Gemini Process.

I manage to get through the steel door just in time, however I'm out of breath with my lungs hurting. It was an uphill struggle to escape that metallic monster, it seemed to be empowered with incredible strength and stamina. The door should stop it, but for how long I'm not sure, I'll have to find a way to outwit it.
Suddenly the door starts to glow white, I move quickly to exit another steel door. As I leave, I become puzzled for in front of me is another metallic monster. I soon realise that this one is not attacking me, but is looking at the door I have come through.
It indicates to me to climb some steps to yet another exit. I climb wearily until I reach the top. By now the other door is glowing white.
A voice startles me, and I'm ushered through a doorway into another room.
This room is full of monitors, however all six people are watching one monitor in particular, it shows the room I have just left.
The metallic monster that I now notice is a shade of blue, is bracing itself for my monster, which was a shade of red, that chased me.
The door explodes. Soon both monsters are wrestling each other. Neither are giving way to the other.
"When will the process start," says one of the people.
"Very shortly," another replies.
On the monitor the two monsters continue to wrestle, when suddenly a purple hue surrounds them.
Both metallic monsters stop wrestling each other and move apart. Then they approach each other and hug as though they were long lost brothers.

 

[paranoid marvin]

It was a fun read and very much like Dad's Army. Perhaps a bit too much, it left little room for an original story arc. I'm afraid that DOOMED the story for me, along with the Nautilus.

Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad I captured the flavour of the show for you.. Yes, I was a little concerned that the comedic element was very similar to the tv series, although the style of the programme (and I suppose situation comedy in general) is to have essentially the same gags/catchphrases but in different scenarios.

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

Hi @Ian Fortytwo
I thought it started off well. Right in the middle of the action, raising questions What is the metallic monster? Why was the protagonist being chased? Will they escape?
But, the excitement tailed off when the second monster sent the MC to a monitor room and none of my initial questions were answered.
Also, it starts off in first person point of view and ends almost in third person. There's no indication of how the MC feels at the end of the story

I think if the ending wrapped up the beginning, then it would have been on my shortlist at least.

This is my first critique, so as usual, feel free to ignore. I might have misunderstood something

 

[paranoid marvin]

@paranoid marvin, sometimes you just need to write for yourself. I enjoyed the dialog and I think a longer version of this tale would be amusing to read. Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with "Dad's Army," so I completely missed the intended hook. Perhaps the story could have gone a little further so that the reader would be assured that the crew lived. Leaving everyone drowned at the bottom of the ocean is a little bit of a downer.

Hi thanks for the feedback. Yes, I don't think I left it with the best of endings, although Fraser claims they are all 'DOOMED' even in the most positive of scenarios! The lads always (somehow) find a way around, but as you say, if you are unfamiliar with the show there is nothing to make you think there will ultimately be a happy ending.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I'm somewhat familiar with Dad's Army, but I remember reading this and thinking you wouldn't get many votes . I mean, anyone who isn't familiar with the TV show is going to be flummoxed by it.

Hi, thankyou for your comments. I agree, that I went out a bit on a limb with this one when it came to voting. I think that to fully understand it you have to be aware of the show, the characters, their mannerisms and their 'voices'; without it I could well understand people thinking it was a jumbled mess.

As I mentioned above, I wasn't sure if it was my style of writing or people's unfamiliarity with the tv show (or a combination of both). With hindsight, I think that (as Elckerlyc suggests) a lack of originality

​