Swank
and debonair
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- Feb 25, 2022
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- 2,347
The stakes seem high, but aren't really for the characters. The speculative aspect is vague. And then the twist is a mushroom joke.
What was your goal for a reader reaction?
Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!
- Thread starter The Judge
- Start date
What was your goal for a reader reaction?
@Swank I took a few minutes to review the story as I reflected on your response. I can say that it looks like I'm asking the reader to take a bigger bit of the story then 300 words will allow. And I now see how the twist of the mushroom joke is, out of place and makes no sense...
As for the goal for a reader's reaction, I honestly never thought of that. I can't answer your question because I never thought about what reaction I was going for.
Thanks! You gave me a lot to ponder about story telling.
As for the goal for a reader's reaction, I honestly never thought of that. I can't answer your question because I never thought about what reaction I was going for.
Thanks! You gave me a lot to ponder about story telling.
Stable
Watching you from upside down
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2016
- Messages
- 422
@THX1138 I preferred the version from the challenge, it had a better sense of discovery about the mushroom mountain parasites. Here it's casually revealed and you seem to focus on the mechanics of treating them, which is much less interesting to me. Both have a rather flat story arc. Other than that you're doing a bit of the classic "tell not showing" mistake:
'Dave gave a concerning shrug' (concerned?)
'“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained.'
It's usually best to demonstrate their emotions via actions or speech, rather than telling us what they are.
'Dave gave a concerning shrug' (concerned?)
'“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained.'
It's usually best to demonstrate their emotions via actions or speech, rather than telling us what they are.
I liked your entry but for me it’s about economy of words which left you little space to get more story in there. See below:
“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them. - Christine has nailed this
Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. - what does the action add? Is he puzzled or worried, or just itchy? Unless it tells us something specific and important you’re down 9 words
Sue was speechless - we know this because she doesn’t speak, that’s another 4 words
as she watched - personal pet hate is filter words - this one (watched) isn’t needed, imho
several more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness - which means the paragraph could have been boiled down to just this, saving another 6 words
Dave started gathering supplies from the pack. “They’re called Twilight Paint Palettes, and unless we stop them before sunrise, they’ll cave in the mountain side and cause an avalanche.” - this is good. Quick clean info to set the stakes
“An avalanche? That’ll destroy the town down below!”
Dave gave a concerning shrug, “Most likely. So, we need to move fast.” - this though feels unnecessary. A shrug doesn’t feel concerned, but actually the opposite. And the reader now knows the stakes and should have made the jump to this being urgent (trust your reader) - 13 more words killed and were at over 30 now!
He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” - feels a bit like mansplaining which some won’t like
He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”
Its vibrant colors faded as the colony melted. Sue moved away just as the ground surrounding it caved in. - any ominous warning signs? That can keep the reader immersed rather than being told something had just happened
“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained. - the ! Indicates her nerves, and she is explaining, so I don’t think the descriptor is needed.
“Yes, you can Susan! Just stay calm and move quickly. And don’t fall into any of the sinkholes, the poison needs sunlight to neutralize it.”
Remembering her family and friends in the town down below, - good, we like an emotional connection. This could have been made more of maybe? In the flash pieces you need to develop any emotional connection quickly - this does that
Sue took a deep breath and exhaled. “OK, let’s go.”
Throughout the night, they worked together while crisscrossing up the mountainside, smothering every glowing outcrop they encountered. And when sunrise came the town below stirred to life, unaware of the battle that occurred above them in their sleep.
“You have a knack for this, Sue. Let’s head down and get some breakfast, I hear the mushroom omelets are…”
“No Dave! I never want to see another mushroom again, thanks!” - I quite liked the humourous ending. Made me smile.
“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them. - Christine has nailed this
Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. - what does the action add? Is he puzzled or worried, or just itchy? Unless it tells us something specific and important you’re down 9 words
Sue was speechless - we know this because she doesn’t speak, that’s another 4 words
as she watched - personal pet hate is filter words - this one (watched) isn’t needed, imho
several more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness - which means the paragraph could have been boiled down to just this, saving another 6 words
Dave started gathering supplies from the pack. “They’re called Twilight Paint Palettes, and unless we stop them before sunrise, they’ll cave in the mountain side and cause an avalanche.” - this is good. Quick clean info to set the stakes
“An avalanche? That’ll destroy the town down below!”
Dave gave a concerning shrug, “Most likely. So, we need to move fast.” - this though feels unnecessary. A shrug doesn’t feel concerned, but actually the opposite. And the reader now knows the stakes and should have made the jump to this being urgent (trust your reader) - 13 more words killed and were at over 30 now!
He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” - feels a bit like mansplaining which some won’t like
He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”
Its vibrant colors faded as the colony melted. Sue moved away just as the ground surrounding it caved in. - any ominous warning signs? That can keep the reader immersed rather than being told something had just happened
“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained. - the ! Indicates her nerves, and she is explaining, so I don’t think the descriptor is needed.
“Yes, you can Susan! Just stay calm and move quickly. And don’t fall into any of the sinkholes, the poison needs sunlight to neutralize it.”
Remembering her family and friends in the town down below, - good, we like an emotional connection. This could have been made more of maybe? In the flash pieces you need to develop any emotional connection quickly - this does that
Sue took a deep breath and exhaled. “OK, let’s go.”
Throughout the night, they worked together while crisscrossing up the mountainside, smothering every glowing outcrop they encountered. And when sunrise came the town below stirred to life, unaware of the battle that occurred above them in their sleep.
“You have a knack for this, Sue. Let’s head down and get some breakfast, I hear the mushroom omelets are…”
“No Dave! I never want to see another mushroom again, thanks!” - I quite liked the humourous ending. Made me smile.
therapist
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2021
- Messages
- 419
@THX1138 I liked the premise. And I like that you established a clear conflict with stakes, and resolved it within 300 words. But the story fell flat for me. I will try and outline why I think it didn't work for me.
As Jo pointed out, the set up was inefficient. It took you 113 words to establish that parasite mushrooms must be killed in order to save a town. But within this set up I didn't get a real sense of character, nor did the stakes seem that important/personal.
Later you had the MC remember her friends and family. Upping the stakes and making it personal is the right idea, but I would've preferred something stronger. Having everyone die if they fail seems like it should be the highest and most emotional stakes possible, but often I will care a lot more if it is something smaller and more personal, like the avalanche would kill all the wildflowers in her backyard, or maybe she would miss out on a hot date she really wanted to go on.
My biggest critique is that the way the conflict was resolved seemed uninteresting. It's very hard to make a straightforward happy ending work in 300 words. I think because the emotional connection is usually not there.
I felt it was too easy/simple for the MC. The lines about the 'battle' that occured, or the MC 'never wanting to see another mushroom' felt unearned. The way the MC defeated the mushrooms was very simple and straight-forward. She just copied what the other guy did, anyone could've done it, there was no flash of brilliance, leap of faith, heroic sacrifice, no all-is-lost moment etc. Or, like Christine mentioned, no final twist that would help make the ending a little more meaningful.
As Jo pointed out, the set up was inefficient. It took you 113 words to establish that parasite mushrooms must be killed in order to save a town. But within this set up I didn't get a real sense of character, nor did the stakes seem that important/personal.
Later you had the MC remember her friends and family. Upping the stakes and making it personal is the right idea, but I would've preferred something stronger. Having everyone die if they fail seems like it should be the highest and most emotional stakes possible, but often I will care a lot more if it is something smaller and more personal, like the avalanche would kill all the wildflowers in her backyard, or maybe she would miss out on a hot date she really wanted to go on.
My biggest critique is that the way the conflict was resolved seemed uninteresting. It's very hard to make a straightforward happy ending work in 300 words. I think because the emotional connection is usually not there.
I felt it was too easy/simple for the MC. The lines about the 'battle' that occured, or the MC 'never wanting to see another mushroom' felt unearned. The way the MC defeated the mushrooms was very simple and straight-forward. She just copied what the other guy did, anyone could've done it, there was no flash of brilliance, leap of faith, heroic sacrifice, no all-is-lost moment etc. Or, like Christine mentioned, no final twist that would help make the ending a little more meaningful.
Hey guys, this was my first ever challenge and would like to see what everyone thought and get some feedback for next time so I know where I can improve!
A new hope
“Hurry, you’re gonna miss the show!” Alura said excitedly, dragging Zi behind her.
“You’ve never told me about a show before!” Zi said breathlessly.
Alura didn’t bother with a response. She had found this spot deep in the forest on one of her many treks alone and knew what she must do. She waited until the full moon had risen to execute her plan. Sneaking through Zi’s window, she quickly roused the girl and ushered her into the woods. They ambled on quickly at first but the deeper they transcended into the woods, Zi’s uneasiness started to show. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Alura but she was scared of what was hiding in the shadows. Her only comfort was Alura’s warm hand holding hers.
After over an hour of tramping through the darkness, a bright light shone ahead. By this point Alura was vibrating with anticipation. Before Zi could even question what she was seeing, Alura drug her into the light..
At first Zi couldn’t make sense of the scene before her. It was as if they had stepped into another world. Fluorescent mushrooms taller than the tallest hut in their village and small enough to lay a babe on stood in front of them. She had never seen anything more beautiful. Colors that didn’t even exist in her dreams were swimming right in front of her. How something so beautiful existed in this drab world was beyond her comprehension.
“What is this?” Zi asked.
“This is our escape,” Alura beamed. “They hold magic. They can take us far away from here. All we have to do is touch them and BOOM, gone. Transported to a new world where colors are brighter, animals aren’t kept in cages, and the people are free. We can be free.”
A new hope
“Hurry, you’re gonna miss the show!” Alura said excitedly, dragging Zi behind her.
“You’ve never told me about a show before!” Zi said breathlessly.
Alura didn’t bother with a response. She had found this spot deep in the forest on one of her many treks alone and knew what she must do. She waited until the full moon had risen to execute her plan. Sneaking through Zi’s window, she quickly roused the girl and ushered her into the woods. They ambled on quickly at first but the deeper they transcended into the woods, Zi’s uneasiness started to show. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Alura but she was scared of what was hiding in the shadows. Her only comfort was Alura’s warm hand holding hers.
After over an hour of tramping through the darkness, a bright light shone ahead. By this point Alura was vibrating with anticipation. Before Zi could even question what she was seeing, Alura drug her into the light..
At first Zi couldn’t make sense of the scene before her. It was as if they had stepped into another world. Fluorescent mushrooms taller than the tallest hut in their village and small enough to lay a babe on stood in front of them. She had never seen anything more beautiful. Colors that didn’t even exist in her dreams were swimming right in front of her. How something so beautiful existed in this drab world was beyond her comprehension.
“What is this?” Zi asked.
“This is our escape,” Alura beamed. “They hold magic. They can take us far away from here. All we have to do is touch them and BOOM, gone. Transported to a new world where colors are brighter, animals aren’t kept in cages, and the people are free. We can be free.”
Swank
and debonair
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2022
- Messages
- 2,347
Submitted for flogging. Thank you for your comments.
Instructables
“Ah; bad art. Looks like old machine emulated crap.”
Voskul studied the Assembler, “You go back to when these were common?”
“Parts of me.”
Both men were politely avoiding the disassembled person distributed through the ConGel tank, staring at the art instead. Voskul was really watching their reflection, trying to peer through the man’s form to what might be inside.
“I’ve brought my own equipment. But I’ll need an Eye with twelve nano resolution to get everything out of this Key.”
______________
Voskul had left the expert seated in front of the painting. Now the cameras showed that he hadn’t moved, but there were two other spectral figures in the lab. One was all glint and lines - the proportions of the seated figure but made of fine wire - operating lab equipment directly through tendrilled extremities. The other within the ConGel: A bloody man-shaped streak of animated translucence. Its hands were gathering the human distaff and weaving it into flesh again.
As always, the Assembler marveled at his ability to decode an image key with all the data to make a person, and labor it into being. Or her, in this case. Artema Glaspol got too close to a curious Hejemi youth, who spent years seeing how she functioned. She had the presence of mind to save her template in durable print form - now guiding the Assembler’s many hands.
He had been destroyed in a similar manner, living again due to another tinkerer. And just as he had learned the craft by living the process, Glaspol would also wake as something far more than human. And, like him, she would never die again.
_____________
Artema smiled, “Mr. Voskul, I can’t express my thanks for your efforts. But I’d like to give you something.”
Voskul ran, hoping she would leave his mortality intact.
Instructables
“Ah; bad art. Looks like old machine emulated crap.”
Voskul studied the Assembler, “You go back to when these were common?”
“Parts of me.”
Both men were politely avoiding the disassembled person distributed through the ConGel tank, staring at the art instead. Voskul was really watching their reflection, trying to peer through the man’s form to what might be inside.
“I’ve brought my own equipment. But I’ll need an Eye with twelve nano resolution to get everything out of this Key.”
______________
Voskul had left the expert seated in front of the painting. Now the cameras showed that he hadn’t moved, but there were two other spectral figures in the lab. One was all glint and lines - the proportions of the seated figure but made of fine wire - operating lab equipment directly through tendrilled extremities. The other within the ConGel: A bloody man-shaped streak of animated translucence. Its hands were gathering the human distaff and weaving it into flesh again.
As always, the Assembler marveled at his ability to decode an image key with all the data to make a person, and labor it into being. Or her, in this case. Artema Glaspol got too close to a curious Hejemi youth, who spent years seeing how she functioned. She had the presence of mind to save her template in durable print form - now guiding the Assembler’s many hands.
He had been destroyed in a similar manner, living again due to another tinkerer. And just as he had learned the craft by living the process, Glaspol would also wake as something far more than human. And, like him, she would never die again.
_____________
Artema smiled, “Mr. Voskul, I can’t express my thanks for your efforts. But I’d like to give you something.”
Voskul ran, hoping she would leave his mortality intact.
Christine Wheelwright
Well-Known Member
OK, lets get this one firmly restrained on my spanking bench.
I had quite a lot of difficulty understanding the story. Definitely quite a few things not completely clear. Initially I wasn't sure who spoke the first line (with hindsight I think it was the Assembler).
"As always, the Assembler marveled at his ability....". This line got me thinking the Assembler was watching Voskul do the work. Did you mean Voskul marveled at the Assembler's ability, or was the Assembler marveling at his own ability?
I assume the Hejemi youth 'disassembled' Artema Glaspol. But why did he have to study her first? To do it in such a way that she could be reassembled?
Finally, I'm not entirely sure why Voskul runs. What exactly is the threat, and what exactly is Artema's motivation in doing that thing to him?
Just in general this one was a little difficult to follow for me.
Flogging 2
When I come into line one of a story, to quote Manuel, "I know nothing."
This was a fairly classic situation. We have all done it on occasions. You knew what was happening, the complete model was in your head.
However it was confusing for the un-primed reader.
I also felt that the confusion was added to by using an overload of made up names and things that appeared to be used to make it "feel" like sci-fi. Like ConGel. I mean what the heck is ConGel? thinks the reader.
What is a Hejemi youth? Is being Hejemi important? did I miss something earlier? Artema Glaspol, Is Glaspol a name? a rank another species? Mixing a full name into a clutch of singles?
I was also put off by the use of the contemporary street word 'crap' early on. Best avoided if you are portraying another, and obviously sophisticated, culture.
In a novel there is time to info dump and define characters. In a 300 it is best to keep things as simple and immediately comprehensible as possible.
When I come into line one of a story, to quote Manuel, "I know nothing."
This was a fairly classic situation. We have all done it on occasions. You knew what was happening, the complete model was in your head.
However it was confusing for the un-primed reader.
I also felt that the confusion was added to by using an overload of made up names and things that appeared to be used to make it "feel" like sci-fi. Like ConGel. I mean what the heck is ConGel? thinks the reader.
What is a Hejemi youth? Is being Hejemi important? did I miss something earlier? Artema Glaspol, Is Glaspol a name? a rank another species? Mixing a full name into a clutch of singles?
I was also put off by the use of the contemporary street word 'crap' early on. Best avoided if you are portraying another, and obviously sophisticated, culture.
In a novel there is time to info dump and define characters. In a 300 it is best to keep things as simple and immediately comprehensible as possible.
VRlass
Well-Known Member
Hey guys I am just gonna go with @THX1138 and than yours ok?
@THX1138 I am just gonna write what didn’t work for me —doesnt mean it scale to others (the Mario thing probably doesn’t)
And if anyone feels i am being too brutal (new guy here +the place I am from we criticise each other ‘mad max’ style) feel free to rapport and cut but please tell me ok?
there was a really cool pace of your story and it has nice Indiana Jones adventure vibes but here and there i was feeling screech that was crushing my immersion
generally interesting adventure story but i think i read different story than the one you were writing
“And it looks like there is more further up the mountain.”
“And it looks like they are appearing further up the mountain.”
“And, look…! More appearing further up the mountain!”
Anyway with all this overwordyness in my mind right now i have image of the type of a guy who explains to his lovely assistant the nature and origin of the monster that is about to eat them.
“Sue watched as more, and more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness.”
“Sue watched several more iridescent patches of light in the darkness.”
Anyway I am getting the feeling that Sue is in here only so that you can infodump.
And you shouldn’t treat a lady like this. <shameBell!>
The life of whole village depends on it.
”I can’t”
“You can”
“Ok”
…
?
And in my head i have 2 people mushroom stumping on something poisonous in the cave the whole night to the sound of this music (some epic Mario vibes here ).
Totally different than what you explained before, and only now—as i was writing this— i realised you were talking about something different…
Sorry, my bad…
maby the risk wasn’t so high… but than theor endeavour isn’t that heroic.
Maby they were high up in the mountains and it would take them day to go down - no information
Anyway, I had fun (even more than you intended i guess… ) But I would recommend you to work on one thing.
C.S. Lewis wrote once that readers are like sheep. If you leave a door open, they will go there. IMHO you could work on description precision. I was getting lost few times because of this.
@THX1138 I am just gonna write what didn’t work for me —doesnt mean it scale to others (the Mario thing probably doesn’t)
And if anyone feels i am being too brutal (new guy here +the place I am from we criticise each other ‘mad max’ style) feel free to rapport and cut but please tell me ok?
there was a really cool pace of your story and it has nice Indiana Jones adventure vibes but here and there i was feeling screech that was crushing my immersion
generally interesting adventure story but i think i read different story than the one you were writing
I 2x Christine Wheelwright. I was trying to understand what happened and I just couldn’t and didn’t know why…
Its kinda unnecessary to ad this Sue
I will probably make mistake in here (not native English) but i would go with:
“And it looks like there is more further up the mountain.”
“And it looks like they are appearing further up the mountain.”
“And, look…! More appearing further up the mountain!”
Anyway with all this overwordyness in my mind right now i have image of the type of a guy who explains to his lovely assistant the nature and origin of the monster that is about to eat them.
I am not sure what image would I have in my mind.
“Sue watched as more, and more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness.”
“Sue watched several more iridescent patches of light in the darkness.”
In here in my mind Dave is a professor and I am bit disturbed why do you call him ‘Dave’ and not Prof. livingstone or some other sciency surname?
Anyway I am getting the feeling that Sue is in here only so that you can infodump.
And you shouldn’t treat a lady like this. <shameBell!>
I am not feeling this struggle. what I feel is:
The life of whole village depends on it. ”I can’t” “You can” “Ok”…
?I am not sure if anyone relates (its probably just me but I NEED TO WRITE THIS) but in here i thought you meant this:
).Totally different than what you explained before, and only now—as i was writing this— i realised you were talking about something different…
Sorry, my bad…
Buuut… they were doing something of mortal danger. The stake was more than their life and they didn’t think of asking For help? in 300 people they would do it much faster, and apart from this, just in case they fail they didn’t think of alarming the people of the danger/ evacuating the people?
maby the risk wasn’t so high… but than theor endeavour isn’t that heroic.
Maby they were high up in the mountains and it would take them day to go down - no information
Anyway, I had fun (even more than you intended i guess
… ) But I would recommend you to work on one thing.C.S. Lewis wrote once that readers are like sheep. If you leave a door open, they will go there. IMHO you could work on description precision. I was getting lost few times because of this.
therapist
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2021
- Messages
- 419
Flogging 3
I am glad I wasn't the only one thoroughly confused by this story. I tried, it sounded very intriguing and i wanted to understand it. But after reading it through twice I was left hopelessly lost. Even reading it for a third and fourth time now, i'm still confused. Can you please explain it for me @Swank
@Raz2k13 I liked your story, I liked your characters and the writing. The only critique i had was the ending. It didn't fit well for me. I didnt have the impression that Zi and Alura wern't already 'free' and wanted to escape their world. To me they were just young and carefree kids sneaking out and exploring a forest. Also the line about animals in cages jarred me a little, is this really an issue that Zi and Alura care deeply about?
I am glad I wasn't the only one thoroughly confused by this story. I tried, it sounded very intriguing and i wanted to understand it. But after reading it through twice I was left hopelessly lost. Even reading it for a third and fourth time now, i'm still confused. Can you please explain it for me @Swank
@Raz2k13 I liked your story, I liked your characters and the writing. The only critique i had was the ending. It didn't fit well for me. I didnt have the impression that Zi and Alura wern't already 'free' and wanted to escape their world. To me they were just young and carefree kids sneaking out and exploring a forest. Also the line about animals in cages jarred me a little, is this really an issue that Zi and Alura care deeply about?
Thank you so much for the vote!@Raz2k13
OK, I voted for it so....
But the one thing that bothered me was " Alura 'drug' her into the light.." I couldn't quite tell whether this was:
1. A play on the hallucinogenic mushroom thing.
2. It was meant to be 'dragged.'
3. Because I can't speak Oklahoma English.
1. It was not.
2/3. I guess upon further investigation, for normal people it would have been 'dragged'. In Oklahoma English (at least the school I went to) we always used/said 'drug'. Honestly, I'm so used to drug that dragged in the above sentence feels wrong to say or even read for me.
Looking it up I found it's common for the area "If you are living in the American South, or in the central area of the country, you may hear others using drug as the past tense of drag. This is a non-standard use of drug, and you should avoid it in your writing.
It may be okay within certain spoken dialects, but it is not Standard English, so it has no place in formal writing."
However, now that I know this I will correct it in the future. Thank you so much for that! I have learned something new today!
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2007
- Messages
- 6,384
THX1138
Some good points made already. Getting your 'tenses' right isn't easy, and keeping in the correct 'tense' even harder, but it's vital to the flow and understanding of your story.
I would say that the best of your 2 'versions' is a combination of the two; but you need to decide what kind of story you're going to tell. Is it scary, exciting, funny etc? It doesn't have to have a twist at the end, but that is a writing device that can help, especially in a short story format.
You can also shorten some of your sentences, not only freeing up vital words, but perhaps giving them more impact.
“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them.
Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. “It’s a parasite, Sue. And it looks like there are more appearing further up the mountain.”
Could be
"Dave, what are they?"
Dave sat his pack down at the side of the giant, glowing mushrooms. "They're parasites, Sue. And look - there're more of them growing further up the mountain."
Saving you 15-20 words, and still getting across the same meaning.
He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”
Now this is a great example of where you could have made things a bit different. What if, instead of bamboo skewers, they had to push metal straws into the mushrooms and suck out their 'brains' or something similar? This would have made your story more unusual/memorable, and would make more sense as to why they wouldn't want to eat mushrooms again!
You could even go one further, and have the twist being that - after saving the town - they are described as descending with the same luminescence growing off them?
For some great ideas of introducing twists and oddities to your stories, I would very much recommend watching some episodes of The Twilight Zone (particularly the original b&w ones) and also Rohald Dahl's 'Tales of the Unexpected'.
It's also worth entering the 100 word challenge, as there you can try several styles of entry and see how they work out.
Good luck with your future stories.
Some good points made already. Getting your 'tenses' right isn't easy, and keeping in the correct 'tense' even harder, but it's vital to the flow and understanding of your story.
I would say that the best of your 2 'versions' is a combination of the two; but you need to decide what kind of story you're going to tell. Is it scary, exciting, funny etc? It doesn't have to have a twist at the end, but that is a writing device that can help, especially in a short story format.
You can also shorten some of your sentences, not only freeing up vital words, but perhaps giving them more impact.
“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them.
Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. “It’s a parasite, Sue. And it looks like there are more appearing further up the mountain.”
Could be
"Dave, what are they?"
Dave sat his pack down at the side of the giant, glowing mushrooms. "They're parasites, Sue. And look - there're more of them growing further up the mountain."
Saving you 15-20 words, and still getting across the same meaning.
He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”
Now this is a great example of where you could have made things a bit different. What if, instead of bamboo skewers, they had to push metal straws into the mushrooms and suck out their 'brains' or something similar? This would have made your story more unusual/memorable, and would make more sense as to why they wouldn't want to eat mushrooms again!
You could even go one further, and have the twist being that - after saving the town - they are described as descending with the same luminescence growing off them?
For some great ideas of introducing twists and oddities to your stories, I would very much recommend watching some episodes of The Twilight Zone (particularly the original b&w ones) and also Rohald Dahl's 'Tales of the Unexpected'.
It's also worth entering the 100 word challenge, as there you can try several styles of entry and see how they work out.
Good luck with your future stories.
Originally I had more context clues about the world being more prison like but cut parts due to the word count. I can see where Alura sneaking into the window and leaving with Zi through it would seem like kids sneaking out for fun and not for stealth and urgency reasons. I should have added something along the lines of Alura being fidgety and on edge about being caught and both of them punished. Something more to add to the real danger.
'Colors that didn’t even exist in her dreams were swimming right in front of her. How something so beautiful existed in this drab world was beyond her comprehension' was, I had hoped, a passage that would show something off about their world. Their world was mostly shades of grey and all dampened colors.
The line about the animals in cages was meant to show that nothing in their world is free. There is complete control over anything that is living. However, that did not come across as clearly as I had hoped. I greatly appreciate the feedback and can see where I need to improve next round. I want to be able to have a short work like this come across as clear and complete and stand alone without an explanation needed.
A lot of great feedback swirling around in here at the moment, so I’d like to throw my hat in the ring, too. I suspect a larger issue was the Extract of a Larger Piece Syndrome that so often plagues me in these challenges. Thanks!
VRlass
Well-Known Member
@Raz2k13 with yours i also have problems with precision.
Here is the image i saw. SRSLY there is no sarcasm - i had to reread…
“Why is she dragging her behind? Is it the ‘STAY HERE WHERE I DONT NEED TO LOOK AT YOU AND GET LATE YOU FILTHY MONGREL’ Kind of relation? Bit clumsy description than…”
(dragging someone behind is kinda the default, but there is no ‘towards’, or through, or any indication of movement)
“JUST LEAVE THIS GIRL BE!! SHE IS INNOCENT”
”But why is this mentioned? Did they go there? Or does he want to go there… she is an evil, cruel sister she probably want to take her there to kill her”
apart from this, there is quite much going on
Only after reread i noticed,“hey, but what if she was dragging her SOMEWHERE.”
Most things clicked after that, and… its actually kinda cool story…
Sorry…
Here is the image i saw. SRSLY there is no sarcasm - i had to reread…
(There is no motion mentioned)
“Why is she dragging her behind? Is it the ‘STAY HERE WHERE I DONT NEED TO LOOK AT YOU AND GET LATE YOU FILTHY MONGREL’ Kind of relation? Bit clumsy description than…”
(dragging someone behind is kinda the default, but there is no ‘towards’, or through, or any indication of movement)
In my head:
“JUST LEAVE THIS GIRL BE!! SHE IS INNOCENT”
In my head:
”But why is this mentioned? Did they go there? Or does he want to go there… she is an evil, cruel sister she probably want to take her there to kill her”
apart from this, there is quite much going on
“Wait… did they go there and wait till full moon, or is this the night of full moon, that she was preparing for…? Did she like put her in some storage for few days or what?”
“ok, she is in her room… so probably ‘this the night of full moon, that she was preparing for’ option
“Have no idea what amble mean, but… are they dryads now?” Checking amble in dictionary. “Awww… they were moving… but they were moving in the previous line…”
“Poor child”
“Do people normally do this? Are they human? WHAT ARE THEY?”
“At once? Are they high?”
“Yeah… Evil sister tricking the little one to blow herself up… But why so devious? She was brutally abusing her psychics before, and seems the little was the silent victim. Why didn’t she simply order it… she seem like the ordering type… and ‘WE need’…? Its a group suicide…? this character doesn’t work for me…”
Only after reread i noticed,“hey, but what if she was dragging her SOMEWHERE.”
Most things clicked after that, and… its actually kinda cool story…
Sorry…
I feel like reading your thought process going through the story was just as much a journey as writing it. It was very different to see someone else's point of view and thoughts as the read. Of course it was very clear in my head but as your read through, it was clearly different in yours. That has always been a major issue I've come across with my writing is I see it clearly in my head but when I have someone proof it then it comes across as a mixed message in theirs. I would like to get to the point where this isn't an issue and it is clear and concise. I definitely struggled with the count and because of that took out things I didn't think of as the most important and kept other things I ranked higher on the list. Originally at the very start I had the girls running through the village square and into the forest, maybe that would have helped make it more readable from the start.@Raz2k13 with yours i also have problems with precision.
Here is the image i saw. SRSLY there is no sarcasm - i had to reread…
(There is no motion mentioned)
“Why is she dragging her behind? Is it the ‘STAY HERE WHERE I DONT NEED TO LOOK AT YOU AND GET LATE YOU FILTHY MONGREL’ Kind of relation? Bit clumsy description than…”
(dragging someone behind is kinda the default, but there is no ‘towards’, or through, or any indication of movement)
In my head:
“JUST LEAVE THIS GIRL BE!! SHE IS INNOCENT”
In my head:
”But why is this mentioned? Did they go there? Or does he want to go there… she is an evil, cruel sister she probably want to take her there to kill her”
apart from this, there is quite much going on
“Wait… did they go there and wait till full moon, or is this the night of full moon, that she was preparing for…? Did she like put her in some storage for few days or what?”
“ok, she is in her room… so probably ‘this the night of full moon, that she was preparing for’ option
“Have no idea what amble mean, but… are they dryads now?” Checking amble in dictionary. “Awww… they were moving… but they were moving in the previous line…”
“Poor child”
“Do people normally do this? Are they human? WHAT ARE THEY?”
“At once? Are they high?”
“Yeah… Evil sister tricking the little one to blow herself up… But why so devious? She was brutally abusing her psychics before, and seems the little was the silent victim. Why didn’t she simply order it… she seem like the ordering type… and ‘WE need’…? Its a group suicide…? this character doesn’t work for me…”
Only after reread i noticed,“hey, but what if she was dragging her SOMEWHERE.”
Most things clicked after that, and… its actually kinda cool story…
Sorry…
Hopefully the next one I can take what everyone is telling me and apply it to make a better story!
therapist
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2021
- Messages
- 419
I did figure that was the case, and didn't forget about the 'drab world' line. But it wasn't enough for me. I would've loved more hints that their world was colourless and grey. Also the line 'Colors that didn’t even exist in her dreams were swimming right in front of her' I took to mean the mushrooms were just an other worldly colour that didn't say anything about her world.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2007
- Messages
- 6,384
I agree with this. There were perhaps too many things that were seemingly important to the story (everything beginning with a capital letter), so , Assembler, ConGel tank, Eye, Key, and Hejemi . For me, each time a writer capitalises something, it tells me 'this is important; this means something'. When when don't get to find out what that 'thing' is we have to figure it out. Which is sometimes possible, but very difficult when there are so many.
It was strange, but it was also quite compelling. When you get readers wanting to understand, rather than shrugging their shoulders and moving on to the next entry, it shows you are definitely on the right tracks.
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