Diving right in (1300 words)

[Brian G Turner]

I'd have a hard time changing it

There's a mental leap required to changing a major character's name - but once you attempt it, you may find it nowhere near as hard as imagined.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The original prologue cleared the name up and gave a lovely a-ha moment. Has it gone? If so, change the manufacturer? A quick google gave me Gul or Tusa? I'm sure you know where to access more possibilities?

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Hi HairBrane,

Couple of things bugged me, but very minor:

It sounded like this was a free dive. The weight belt wuld help him descend, but it's not needed. In old times, rather than a belt, you could just have him carry a weight stone to speed his descent and then drop it on the bottom. You should also remove it before you try to go back up (no need for extra weight).

At the depth the character was at, once you feel the need to breath, he needs to surface or it will be too late (assuming I read the free dive part correctly). You could describe this feeling as he's rising and escaping the thing he saw.

Other than, I thought it was good.

 

[HareBrain]

Hi Avid, thanks for your comments. I'm going to address a couple of them because this kind of thing interests me and I don't often get the chance to talk about the "technical" stuff.

The weight belt wuld help him descend, but it's not needed. In old times, rather than a belt, you could just have him carry a weight stone to speed his descent and then drop it on the bottom.

That's possible, if they carried stones out with them on the boat, but wouldn't holding onto one of any size be awkward, with him needing to keep one hand on his nose? (The old-time sponge-divers and so on who used stones often deliberately broke their ear-drums, which meant they didn't have to equalise and so could use both hands.)

In any case, dropping the stone at the doorway would mean he then became buoyant, which would cause problems inside the ziggurat.

There is a scene later on where he has to ditch his weight-belt.

At the depth the character was at, once you feel the need to breath, he needs to surface or it will be too late

Depends what you mean by "need to breathe". Most people feel they "need" to breathe before diaphragm contractions start, but unconsciousness takes quite a long time after that. He does almost black out at the surface, though -- I wanted it to be touch-and-go.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I'm interested in this, and didn't realise we had someone with diving knowledge on the forum. I am in the middle of writing a short steam-punk involving a diving scene where the MC is stranded on the seabed in her diving suit with the hose cut. She has to get herself to the surface and I am not sure how technically feasible my solutions are.

When it is finished could I send you those sections, @HareBrain, for you to cast a technical eye over them?

 

[HareBrain]

Hi Kerry, by all means, though my knowledge about diving with compressors/pumps and hoses is limited, to say the least. I might be able to give you some pointers though. Worth also asking @Boneman.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Thank you, I will. That story is stalled right now because I'm back to playing with the novel, but I enjoy it too much not to finish it.

 

[Bowler1]

The sound of feet getting closer and clinking metal. 'Hey, HB, I have a whole bag of spanners here - do you want them? HB... HB... why are you running away?'

 

[crystal haven]

They are both good, HareBrain, but I think I prefer the original.

 

[LittleStar]

Just a quick thought, have you looked into using a diving bell? I don't know enough to know if that sorts any issues out with the being weighted and equalising pressures etc. though.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Doesn't solve the pressure. Also can't go down passages.
A Bathyscape is sealed so can be ordinary pressure.

 

[HareBrain]

Ray's right, @LittleStar -- but I think I've got the physics/biology covered. Plus they wouldn't have access to any other equipment.

 

[tinkerdan]

The whole piece is really good and as for the first paragraph. I too stumbled some there and what I would do to bring things around might be like this.

They swam to a point above the ziggurat’s doorway. Orc could just make it out, seventy feet deep, in the north face of the step-temple’s lowest tier. He called across to Ranga in the sailboat to time his breathe-up, and Cass held him from behind, finning gently to keep his face out of the water. Limp in her arms, trying not to focus on the feel of her holding him and quickening his skin through his wetsuit, Orc mentally counted out slow, deep breaths. Count of three in, count of six out, while the swell gently lifted and dropped him, and the sun burnt down,and ten yards away the fishing boat rocked with the soft slap of water …

From the sailboat the two swam to a point above the ziggurat's doorway, on the north face of the step-temple's lowest tier: seventy feet deep. Orc called across to Ranga to time his breathe-up and Cass held him while he finned gently to keep his face above water.

The rest reads okay but could possibly be tightened until you reach the end part [and the sun burnt down, and ten yards away the fishing boat rocked with the soft slap of water …] We are in Orc's POV all the way through and this one piece, though it sounds really great, has the reader step back for what? Maybe world building or something to establish setting and time. The point though is that at this place in time I don't believe he would see or care much about the rocking boat though maybe he'd briefly notice the sun. He might hear the slap and assume the rocking boat so this amounts to just my own reaction to that line .And it's such a good line.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Plus they wouldn't have access to any other equipment.

Just the wet suits they found wearing? Even if they had tanks, perhaps a compressor is unavailable.

 

[HareBrain]

They are both good, HareBrain, but I think I prefer the original.

Thanks CH. If I keep the little prologue, I think I'll have to go back to the original start because this one wouldn't work with it.

Thanks @tinkerdan for that suggestion. That opening paragraph clearly needs some attention.

Just the wet suits they found wearing? Even if they had tanks, perhaps a compressor is unavailable.

This is a 1900-type technology, so there's no scuba gear. Even their own freediving gear is (deliberately) anachronistic, which is something that came out more in the original opening. Hmm ...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Have I put on record that I believe changing the original prologue is a step back. If not, consider it proposed.

 

[HareBrain]

Have I put on record that I believe changing the original prologue is a step back. If not, consider it proposed.

That smiley isn't going to save you from a growling, you know.

I think I'd walk barefoot along a road of broken glass if it led to someone who could give me the definitive answer to how to start this bloody thing.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

But you might not agree with it. It might be wrong. Sometimes less than perfection works better. We walk not by being perfectly balanced ...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

That smiley isn't going to save you from a growling, you know.

I think I'd walk barefoot along a road of broken glass if it led to someone who could give me the definitive answer to how to start this bloody thing.

I just did.

it's hellish. I know. You know. The only person who has changed the flaming start as much as you is here. But I think the original prologue set the scene perfectly. It left all the questions and an amazing world. The new one asks questions, too, but tells me little of the world and even less to ground me in Orc and Cass. There was a link between forlornly lying on a beach and being active in chapter one. But Ray's right, too - we're arguing semantics. Both are mouth wateringly good (did I mention I hate you ) but, for me, one set what you need to establish the story and character, other less so. But that was only for pragmatic me.

 

[HareBrain]

But you might not agree with it. It might be wrong.

As long as it sounded definitive, I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't know if it was wrong.

Sometimes less than perfection works better. We walk not by being perfectly balanced ...

Aaargh, now you Irish are ganging up on me!

But I think the original prologue set the scene perfectly.

You're not the only one to prefer it. And this morning, I had trouble remembering my arguments against using it. And the fact that it gets rid of any problem with Orc's name (in the story itself) is a big point in its favour. And ... Raven.

Maybe if one of you appeared to me in a dream, dressed as an otter, and told me to use the original prologue, I'd be happy. Could you arrange that?