Quality of the translation (1400 words)

[Wanderlog]

I won't be rewording passages as examples - I think some of that has been done/pointed out through the crits

Unfortunately, it hasn't.

consistently, we've fed back that it doesn't read smoothly, and that was the question asked, I think.

Yes, that was the question. But answers like "no, it doesn't" help little without been supported by an exact explanation WHY it doesn't.

several good responses have explained why.

By this moment, I've seen only answers that essentially boil down to "I don't like it". While I appreciate such opinions as well, they can't help my translator and me understand what really should be changed. Yes, there were issues with punctuation (and they are already corrected), but besides it, there is almost nothing.

I read English books a lot, and I can't see why this translation is not "smooth". There are some restrictions in words' choice (imposed by me) that can lead to feeling of "stiffness" (i.e. colloquial language's sounding not fully natural due to lack of specific expressions), but in other aspects, I can't see what's wrong. Of course, I'm just a foreigner who can't feel the language properly, and that's why I'm working with a native English speaker. However, to change something, we need first to see WHAT should be changed, and no one told me yet about it.

My suggestion was that the style choices may need looked at, irrelevant of the translation.

I can't but repeat again: to make such suggestions, one should first know what are those style choices. Knowledge of at least one language not belonging to one's native language group and personal translation experience would help justify such suggestions as well.

Amazingly Kazuo Ishiguro appears to write in English. He reads like an English Author.

Alas, I'm not him. My level of command of the language is insufficient for such a feat. If I lived a couple of decades in an English-speaking country, it could change, but now it can't be helped.

Besides, writing in a language from the beginning and translating the text from another language are two completely different processes even if they are performed by the same man.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

writing in a language from the beginning and translating the text from another language are two completely different processes even if they are performed by the same man.

Absolutely.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hi,

I've been following this crit thread and up till now haven't joined in because it seemed like you weren't conceding to any of the advice given, however, seeing the way you communicate with members on other threads here makes me wonder if it's more a case of misunderstanding and language barriers so I am going to see if I can help in a way. But please remember that this is how I see it from a traditional model of contemporary writing, so it may not be what you are trying to achieve.

I read a lot of African (particularly) West African fiction - it is a very allegorical-heavy style, full of almost parable-like stories within stories, and what stands out is that the author's cultural capital is very different than mine (i.e. someone living in London). However, there is a lucidity and ease-of-reading that does not require a larger effort to comprehend the words than would be required for a genre piece (e.g SF) written by someone whose first language is English.

What you have here is an emotional situation. It's emotional for the parents/step-parent and for Tsukka. But the way it is written strips any emotion out of it. We are told like a report what people are feeling and after 1400 words, it feels drawn out. To get this across, the word choices and sentence structure you use need to be far more emotive. As it is I feel like I am held at a fair distance from the characters. I do not feel involved in the drama and so run the risk of not caring about them.

I think you could address this in the following ways:

1. use contractions; can't instead of cannot, e.g.
2. update the voice to sound more contemporary - it sounds rather old fashioned. I understand the difference between old fashioned and traditional, but there is nothing in the text that leads me to believe that this is a traditional cultural setting.
   
3. Cut brutally.
4. When you write, write from the point of view of the character's demographic, not your intention to sound 'English'.
   
5. When writing the thoughts, go for a far more personal and shorthand style. For example, I don't believe anyone (ever, let alone now) would think the word 'insofar'. Much of the character words (dialogue and thought) come across as far too formal.
6. If this scene of leaving the nest is of great importance, and you can't bear to cut it down, perhaps have it as italicised flashbacks throughout the story as Tsukka thinks about her past. That could chop it up and give the reader a sense of importance that is either missing now, or coming across as a bit of an info dump.
7. Finally, it may be an idea to get an interpreter to look at your work instead of a translator. I think they may find nuances that your translator is missing.

Although it's not recommended to rewrite someone's work, as it will change the voice to that of the person doing the rewrite, in your responses (particularly to @tinkerdan and @Jo Zebedee) you've demanded specific examples. I can't speak for them, but I can give you my example.

Before I do, though, please remind yourself that many of the people who are commenting on your excerpt are successfully published authors in the field for which you're aiming. They may not be offering you the advice you want, but you can be assured, it is the advice you need. Indeed, it is the advice you have asked for by putting your work up for crit.

“How is it going at work?”

Tsukka shrugged imperceptibly. She was in no mood to answer trite questions. Surely, Stepmother doesn't not even expect an answer. What can ever happen to a department-store salesgirl at work? Nothing but customers, shelves, shop windows, legs tired by the end of the day, and ever-hurting lips because of that artificial smile I have to wear all the time.

'How is it going at work?' Stepmother asked.

Seriously? You should know how work is going.. How do you think? An endless conveyor belt of fake smiles, aching legs and filling shelves. It's great, Stepmother - a laugh a minute!

Absentmindedly she pushed the rice around the plate, picked a shrimp and put it into her mouth. How should I tell them? Dad really cares about me, and so does Stepmother – to an extent. Of course, Tanna's own children come first but she is genuinely trying to take care of me as well – insofar as it might be possible to take care of another person's child who has already come of age. Isn't it funny? It seems that the real challenge is not to make up my mind but rather to tell parents about your decision.

Stop this self-torture.” she scolded herself. “You have to tell them, and it has to be done today. So just bite the bullet and get it done. You have decided not to remain a burden anymore, haven't you? Good. Now just behave like a grown-up person you are.

She pushed rice around her plate before chewing on a bland shrimp. I can't go on like this, they need to know. Even though Tanna was only her stepmother, she still treated her like one of her own - almost like one of her own - and she knew her dad really cared about her. No family needed a burden like her.

______________________________________________

I hope that gives you an idea of what I mean. It brings a sense of emotional connection between character and reader, and sets up a more believable situation. It becomes a person instead of a cardboard cut out. Like I said, it may not be the kind of style you're going for, but it is the kind of thing a lot of readers want. And again, this is all my opinion, not gospel.

Oh and, incidentally, I liked this section below. It was the first time I felt anything about Tsukka. It could be streamlined and placed earlier in the text, I think.

She looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. A low bed by the wall. A desktop right next to the window – looking orphaned now, without its usual stacks and piles of chaotically scattered paper and stuff. An ancient terminal – not even a terminal but a real computer with at length unused software once built into its bowels. Shelves with old and long forgotten paper-books, mostly juvenile – just in time for her siblings to start reading them – and some equally old textbooks clinging to each other: Physics for Undergraduate Applicants, Principles of Mathematics, Calculus... I should pick them up later. Or should I? I have already failed once as a result of using them for preparation: university training programs are different now, and modern training aids are all computer-based. So I'll have to save for a new terminal. On the floor, an old, threadbare carpet depicting a yellowish-green rhomb on a white background. A couple of chairs. A half-empty closet.

And a bag. A big travel bag, fully stuffed: several dresses, bedding and lingerie, a metal-plate engraving – a silver tree on a hill with a golden sunset in the background – shoes, a pelephone, and all those bits and pieces you somehow can not take heart to part with. An out-of-place foreign object that has turned her long-time shelter from life's trials and tribulations into a barely familiar room.

All the best,

pH

 

[Ray McCarthy]

come across as far too formal

This is one reason we wondered about the credentials of the Translator. It's like a translation done for Business and Technical, or Governments, not a Fiction Translator. I've read a lot of Translated Technical and Business documents (30+ years in Engineering at senior level) and well translated Fiction. It's not like a translation by someone expert in fiction.

 

[Wanderlog]

Phyrebrat,

Thank you so much for you detailed explanation. It's very valuable as it explains a lot to me. I'll take everything you wrote into consideration.

However, I can't but remark that while your rewritings of text are good, they demonstrate your style of writing, not mine. They shift the emphasis to different elements of the text thus destroying my plan of the episode. For example:

My variant:

“How is it going at work?”
Tsukka shrugged imperceptibly.

Your variant:

'How is it going at work?' Stepmother asked.

Your variant is technically correct, but it makes Stepmother the main character of the episode, not Tsukka, as Stepmother is mentioned first. However, Stepmother is no more than an insignificant element of the scenery while Tsukka is one of the most important secondary characters in the entire book. It's Tsukka who is introduced in the episode, not Stepmother (who is never mentioned anymore in this book). If I could, I wouldn't mention Tsukka's family at all, and I definitely don't intend to force the reader to pay more attention to the talking scenery than needed.

It brings a sense of emotional connection between character and reader, and sets up a more believable situation. It becomes a person instead of a cardboard cut out.

As I mentioned before, this is just a small part of the entire episode, so the reader has plenty of time to develop a connection to her. In addition, this episode immediately follows another one, much more tensed and fast-paced, and one of purposes of this episode is relaxation. Readers can't concentrate their attention all the time, they have to take a break every so often, and that's exactly what I do here.

Well, maybe I need to post a link to the already translated part of the novel to give the readers of the thread an idea about the entire concept. By now, only about a quarter of the text has been translated, but it should be enough for that purpose. I'll do in on the weekend. Of course, I understand that few people would like to read such a big piece, but it's better that confuse people with an excerpt that doesn't reflect the entire storyline.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Phyrebrat,

Thank you so much for you detailed explanation. It's very valuable as it explains a lot to me. I'll take everything you wrote into consideration.

However, I can't but remark that while your rewritings of text are good, they demonstrate your style of writing, not mine. They shift the emphasis to different elements of the text thus destroying my plan of the episode.

This is why I chose not to rewrite your excerpt. Once again, you rebut the feedback given, as you have done consistently through the thread. Contrary to what you've said above, you have been given feedback of why this might not be working from the original work being difficult to translate, to the process being used to do so, to the translator and the need to match skills to a job and consistently you have found a reason why this cannot be done, or is not a problem. That's not asking for critique. Critique only applies if you actually want the feedback you receive - you give every indication of wanting an answer no one is giving. Phyre is right, for this to read as smooth English, some idioms of the language need to be applied, and that means not a straight translation of what you have. Personally, I actually am not sure why you want it to read as if it was written as English - to do so would require the sort of changes Phyre suggested. The Scandinavian-style, eg, has its own voice specifically because it has been translated from a separate base language. I think what you want to ask yourself is whether you want an English version of your book - in which case the slightly stilted language might be exactly what you want - or a book written as if it was English. In which case, a change of voice and style would be needed.

“

How is it going at work?”
Tsukka shrugged imperceptibly.

Your variant:

'How is it going at work?' Stepmother asked.

Your variant is technically correct, but it makes Stepmother the main character of the episode, not Tsukka, as Stepmother is mentioned first. However, Stepmother is no more than an insignificant element of the scenery while Tsukka is one of the most important secondary characters in the entire book. It's Tsukka who is introduced in the episode, not Stepmother (who is never mentioned anymore in this book). If I could, I wouldn't mention Tsukka's family at all, and I definitely don't intend to force the reader to pay more attention to the talking scenery than needed

And I'm sorry, here I think you are making life hard for yourself. Adding a dialogue tag is not shifting focus or making Stepmother the main character. It's simply aiding the reading of the excerpt. (It's not forcing the reader to pay attention, it's making it clear to the reader what is happening so that they don't have to stop and wonder who said that, and then realise it's Stepmother.) Dialogue tags/attributions are not to draw attention to the character speaking, they're merely a tool to aid flow and reading. Only if you switch to Stepmother's point of view does it do what you're trying to avoid.

As I mentioned before, this is just a small part of the entire episode, so the reader has plenty of time to develop a connection to her. In addition, this episode immediately follows another one, much more tensed and fast-paced, and one of purposes of this episode is relaxation. Readers can't concentrate their attention all the time, they have to take a break every so often, and that's exactly what I do here.

But you didn't ask about tension, or pace (which I found lacking), you asked about translation. But on the subject of pace, yes, of course we need variations, but even when we slow down it should be engaging, and further the story. It certainly shouldn't be a reduction in terms of our connection to the character. What has that got to do with pace? Absolutely nothing. It makes the scene less effective.

Well, maybe I need to post a link to the already translated part of the novel to give the readers of the thread an idea about the entire concept. By now, only about a quarter of the text has been translated, but it should be enough for that purpose. I'll do in on the weekend. Of course, I understand that few people would like to read such a big piece, but it's better that confuse people with an excerpt that doesn't reflect the entire storyline.[

This sort of comment comes up in crits a lot. I'm sure I used to say it. Seeing the larger extract won't make any difference to this excerpt. We don't need context to understand it. We don't need a reflection of the storyline. The excerpt isn't working for most people who have taken the time to critique it. Seeing it in the context of the larger piece will not change that. In fact, mostly all that happens, is the same issues are in the larger piece.

I think you really have two possibilities - either plough on as you are, and ignore the feedback. That's a perfectly valid course. I've seen a book mauled on crits thst's doing very well for itself in the marketplace. We might not be right, and this could be bang on the market.

Or, instead of rebutting and fighting about why our feedback is wrong, or can't be applied, or doesn't understand the wider context, ask if there is validity. That's why we seek feedback, to capture trends, after all. But if it is valid it leaves you the hard question of what to do about it.

I'm bowing out of this thread at this stage - I don't think I'm saying what you want to hear and don't want a continued back and forth on it, but I wish you luck with it. [/QUOTE]

 

[Wanderlog]

Once again, you rebut the feedback given, as you have done consistently through the thread.

I apologize is it look this way. I do appreciate every opinion and time and efforts people spend on answering me. My only point is, for a mature writer like myself, it's hard to accept suggestions like "you should completely change your writing style". It simply can't be done.

I think what you want to ask yourself is whether you want an English version of your book - in which case the slightly stilted language might be exactly what you want - or a book written as if it was English.

I want my book to be readable. Even the best book can be ruined by poor language, and that's what I'm trying to prevent. It's almost impossible to make a translation that is indistinguishable from native script, and if the text would look just slightly 'foreign', I'll accept it.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Phyrebrat,

Thank you so much for you detailed explanation. It's very valuable as it explains a lot to me. I'll take everything you wrote into consideration.

However, I can't but remark that while your rewritings of text are good, they demonstrate your style of writing, not mine. They shift the emphasis to different elements of the text thus destroying my plan of the episode..

Hi,

You're welcome.

I want to clarify: I didn't want (or expect) you to change your version to mine, but to give you an example of the kind of style (I think) we were referring to. You're quite right, it completely eliminates your voice in the text.

So, I doubt we can really help you any further as the things we are picking up on that need changing for a native readership are the things you're reluctant to change.

Whatever the outcome, I'm glad I've given you some things to think about and wish you the best of luck.

pH

 

[Wanderlog]

Phyrebrat,

This discussion was very valuable for me. While I can't prevent myself from rebuking (I'm a bore, alas), it has given me more understanding of real and potential issues.

Once again, I do appreciate anyone's input. Translating a text to a foreign language is quite a new experience for me, it differs drastically from talking on forums. So every bit of help counts.

 

[Denise Tanaka]

I'll put in a final thoughts, that I agree with the importance of your translator being someone skilled in fiction writing more than business or technical writing. The translator is essentially retelling your story in another language.

Your dilemma, I think, is to allow your translator a bit of "poetic license" in word choice and style to capture the essence of what you're trying to say.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

allow your translator a bit of "poetic license" in word choice and style to capture the essence

Yes. Different sorts of Translations, It sounds like you need option 3 but have only Option 1 or 2 (without being able to read the original, I can't tell, I don't know Dutch, if that's what your writing in):

1. Literal 1:1 translations are the worse in style and accuracy too. Because the idioms, metaphors, similes etc often don't work.
   
2. Next is translations concentrating on accuracy. Style suffers badly.
3. Then is partial paraphrase. Choosing natural phrasing that captures the original intent and keeping accuracy. This is extremely difficult. Only the most experienced Fiction translators than can write well achieve this. Examples are given earlier in the thread.
   
4. The final option is a total paraphrase. This can be from Translation 1 or better is from the original. This is an easy way to make it totally natural for the target reader, but accuracy and intent can be lost (c.f. "The Living Bible"-paraphrased from other English Translations and some versions of Grimm's Fairy Tales or Arabian Nights translated for Children, but from original languages.)

 

[Wanderlog]

The translator is essentially retelling your story in another language.

Absolutely true. However, a translator can't drift too far away from the original text. Well, I know examples of the opposite approach, but the results were...questionable (including total loss of entire semantic layers). So a translator can rarely do more that translating the text sentence by sentence, their hands are tied.

In my country, the classic translation process includes at least two workers: a translator (who makes an exact translation) and an editor who makes the final adaptation. Often this process includes a technical editor who controls correctness of special terms (science, technology, military, etc.). However, this process is expensive, so now the translator and the editor are usually the same person, and there's no technical editor at all.

In addition, I know a handful of good writers in the past half-century in my country who were both excellent fiction writers and good translators. However, they were extremely rare exceptions. Translators in my country mostly aren't writers at all, but they receive special training in university and can make pretty good translations of fiction books. I believe, the same is true everywhere in the world. You know, those who can write books prefer to write them, not to repeat after someone else.

I don't know Dutch, if that's what your writing in

It's not Dutch, but I doubt you know my language anyway.

You description of translation types is mostly correct, although I wouldn't mark out exactly four types. Translation styles vary between different translators, so I believe there are as many styles as there are translators. Translation is art, not an engineering process.

As a native speaker, my translator can understand what I'm saying and find an equivalent sentence/saying/idiom in English. The problem is, my original script is often non-standard, so finding equivalents in the language which structure significantly differs from English even without that is a very non-trivial task.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

not Dutch, but I doubt you know my language

Sorry, for some reason I thought you were from Netherlands (I know they have more than Dutch). I really am very poor indeed at any language than English. Your English seems good enough to write in directly (which is far easier than Translating, esp. if you immerse yourself so you are thinking in English).
I can read only very simple French and German, very little Spanish, Italian, Irish, Latin, Hebrew. I can recognise some words only in Russian and Greek and remember the Alphabet erratically. I started learning a few Chinese characters but gave up. I'd needed to have started long ago and have more motivation. I do know loads of Programming Languages, but they are only loosely related to Natural Language.

I think if your native language is more distant from English than Dutch, German and French, then you need to either practise writing & thinking direct in English, or have a more suitable translator or allow translator more flexibility. You seem from your posts that you could write fine in English. Certainly I've worked with many people with very much worse English.

Anyway, whatever the reason, the passage you posted isn't "working".

 

[Wanderlog]

Ray, my native language is Russian. Unfortunately, I can't write fiction in English. Thank you for your high assessment of my English skill, but it's good enough only for talking on forums, no more that that. BTW, I never studied Irish, so you beat me here.

the passage you posted isn't "working".

It's a preliminary version only. The project is scheduled to be finished by the end of the year at the earliest.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

my native language is Russian

I've had such fun trying to figure out poor scans of 1950s to 1960s technical articles. In the end a Russian engineer did good translations.
I have a lot of these very special Russian Tubes. Similar to used in Sputnik, early spacecraft and some Mig fighters. Better than early transistors or any Western military miniature tubes.
http://www.radiomuseum.org/forum/russian_subminiature_tubes.html

I'd like some of these 1Ж42A, but the closest available is 1Ж37Б the which seems not as good.

I read some translated Russian books maybe first in 1970s, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, I think I was too young to appreciate Doctor Zhivago when I read it in the 1960s. I presume First Circle, Gulag Archipelago, A Day in the life etc all first written in Russian as Zhivago was.

In 1983 I lived opposite the house of the Manager of Aeroflot for Shannon and visited with him a few times. I did programming for a Russian Freight company in Shannon (they use Antanov). Yesterday I took a friend to an interview in a giant Russian industrial plant near here. First time I've seen road signs in English, Irish and Russian! I've been a few industrial enterprises here that have English / Polish signs.

But you are right, I can't read Russian in any useful fashion, though at least I can read most of the Alphabet I read the Russian classics such as Chekov in translation.

 

[Wanderlog]

I've had such fun trying to figure out poor scans of 1950s to 1960s technical articles. In the end a Russian engineer did good translations.

No idea what those tubes are. I'm a system administrator, not an electronic engineer. However, translating purely technical and scientific stuff is easy. I did it for my father who needed English annotations for his articles. Fiction is completely another matter. It requires much better skill than mine.

presume First Circle, Gulag Archipelago, A Day in the life etc all first written in Russian as Zhivago was.

Yes. Solzhenitsyn was a good writer (however, not the best man). In addition, he was a famous dissident. Best translators of the world competed for the right to work with him, so they made excellent translations. However, nobody knows me (yet ), so I have no more chances to contract such a translator than I have to hire Mr. Obama as my personal layer.

And you're talking about classic books. Russia has very strong science fiction school, as for decades it was the only area of literature reasonably free of Soviet ideology. Unfortunately, it's almost unknown in the West.

though at least I can read most of the Alphabet

Then you know Russian much better that 99,999% of other people in the world.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Russia has very strong science fiction school, ...Unfortunately, it's almost unknown in the West

Um ... Strictly speaking Polish. But I've only seen the Russian film with English Subtitles.
Солярис, tr. Solyaris better known as Solaris.
Can you suggest any Classic Russian SF that's available in English, given my nearly non-existent Russian?

Why not try writing a passage (like you do posts, it seems) direct in English and paste it here for critique? Based on your clear and good use of English, you might be surprised ... Just think on what you'd save on Translation costs!

My "native" language is English, despite being Irish, I don't really know any Irish, just some words and pronunciation rules. I think my English is hardly coherent at times.

 

[Wanderlog]

Strictly speaking Polish. But I've only seen the Russian film with English Subtitles.
Солярис, tr. Solyaris better known as Solaris.

"Solaris" novel was written by Stanislav Lem, a famous Polish SF writer. However, Poland and Russia are different countries with different cultures. While Lem is recognized in Russia as one of excellent SF writers of Soviet era, he's not "ours".

The movie produced by Tarkovsky (I believe it's what you have in mind) is terrible - as everything Tarkovsky filmed. I'll refrain from discussing Tarkovsky movies here, but they have little to do with the original works. Neither "Solaris" (by Lem's novel) nor "Stalker" (by Strugatsky brothers' novel "Roadside picnic") render main ideas of the source books. He crippled and mutilated them beyond measure.

Can you suggest any Classic Russian SF that's available in English

You might take a look here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arkady_and_Boris_Strugatsky

I'm not sure what books were actually translated to English (I'm afraid not many of them). "Roadside picnic" can be downloaded here for free: http://www.rusf.ru/abs/english/ It's one of their early novels. It's decent enough but not the best of their books.

In addition, "The Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov is a great book. It's Christianity-based fantasy, not SF, written in 1930s. Here is the direct link: http://www.paskvil.com/file/files-books/bulgakov-master-and-margarita.pdf (it contains many comments necessary for foreign readers to understand the details of then Moscow; copy-paste the link into your web browser).

However, in general, Russian SF and fantasy are rarely translated to English and little known abroad. There are very few translators specializing in it. That's the barrier I'm trying to overcome.

Why not try writing a passage (like you do posts, it seems) direct in English and paste it here for critique?

Again, I'm grateful for your appreciation of my linguistic skills, but my current goal it translating the books I've already created, not write new ones from scratch. I specialize in lengthy novels, and it would take me several years to write such a novel in English. This is an object I might start pursuing later, not now.

 

[BrisGirl]

Ah, Wanderlog... I am almost scared to stick my opinion out there, as I'm afraid you will be trying to hack it to pieces in a few minutes.

I am myself bilingual, so I think I might have something to add to the debate. I started my writing journey using one language, and now write almost exclusively in another. I have also read fiction in three other languages.

I will have to repeat what many others have said before me: I don't think you have the right translator for the job. I know you don't like to be told this, but the output of this translation is not something that could go straight to a bookshelf. It has too many errors, and much of the translation is stilted and doesn't sound natural. I will give you some examples below.

Surely, Stepmother doesn't not even expect - the "not" does not belong here.
insofar as it might be - "insofar" is quite a formal word and might belong naturally in an academic text, for example. It is not a word that belongs naturally in the inner dialogue of a young girl.
Stop this self-torture.” she scolded herself. “You - there are two quotation marks here that need to be taken out, according to the conventions your translator has adopted for this text.
Now just behave like a grown-up person you are - this should read: Now just behave like the grown-up person you are.
“Dad! Mom.” - why is there an exclamation mark after Dad, but not after Mom? Also, why is your translator using the formal "Stepmother" in other parts of the text, while using the informal-sounding and more intimate "Mom" here?
Yes, you a big girl – time sure does fly!But it doesn't mean - This is not correct English. Try "Yes, you're a big girl". Also, you need to add a space after the exclamation mark.
I know, you still can't get over this university flop. - here is an example of language that I would call stilted and unnatural. "University flop" just doesn't sound right. Much of this conversation is written in what seems like quite a formal language for a family dinner-table conversation. "Flop" is a very informal word. It sounds unnatural when you suddenly switch from one type of language to the other.
“Dad, you don't understand!” on the brink of tears - check the punctuation. I believe you need a capital "O" after the exclamation mark.
Father asked perplexedly - perplexedly is a very strange adverb, and it doesn't read very smoothly in a text. How did your translator come up with this word? Is he/she relying on a dictionary? You could try rewriting it as "Father asked, looking perplexed" or "Father asked, sounding surprised".
“I can but repeat what your Dad said: don't be silly, Tsukka.” the stepmother gave her a weary look. - again, this sounds very stilted and unnatural. The first part of the first sentence uses a very formal and antiquated sentence structure which is unlikely to be used in spoken English today. Then, in the second part of the sentence, your translator switches to a more informal English. Also, your translator needs to remember to use a capital "T" after the full stop.
“No, I won' change my mind.” the girl shook her head. - two more errors here. With corrections, it should read: "No, I won't change my mind." The girl shook her head.

Okay, that takes me about half way through the text, and I think that's enough to demonstrate my point. The output of this translation is not going to be a finished manuscript, ready for publication. It will need to be reworked, and it's really up to you to decide how to approach that task. Or find a new translator, and try again.

Either way, I'm wishing you the best of luck with your writing (and translating) in the future.

I'd have to say though, as others have pointed out, that your English is very good, perhaps better than what you give yourself credit for.

 

[Wanderlog]

BrisGirl,

Thank you so much for your input. I'll take it to the consideration. Of course, we'll correct all punctuation errors (actually, it has already been done) and other grammatical and formatting mistakes. This is just a preliminary version that will be corrected before publishing.

However, concerning that "perplexedly" - the dictionary I use contains this word, and I believe I saw in real life. Does it really look so unnatural?