Who can come up with the worst simile or metaphor?

[Jeremy M. Gottwig]

It should work, but it should be dreadful in some way... perhaps overly schmaltzy or so poetic that it reeks of desperation. Something like:

Her red hair looked like spaghetti with an extra helping of tomato sauce, hold the meatballs.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

"The sun glowed like a light bulb, but a lot brighter and kind of yellow."

 

[hopewrites]

I need sugar on the same level my partner needs coffee.
Without coffee he's non-existent. But with it, he's a god!

So I say again, the sugar or your life? I'm getting it ether way."

Hope's deadly glare killed the absurdity of the situation.

 

[Droflet]

"Sure, I'll believe that. When pigs start flying outta my butt dressed in ballet dresses and humming march of the republic."

 

[LittleStar]

I remember reading a '10 best/worst similes used by kids in real test papers' a few weeks ago... I can't remember any specifics, but there were some really bad ones, and ones that were a little mean...

Eg.
"She needed him like a diabetic needed cake."
"The boat floated exactly like a brick doesn't."
Mary and sue had never met. They were like a pair of dogs who had also never met."

 

[Cat's Cradle]

(From an imaginary WIP, The Universe of Strawberries)

I sat with a bowl of strawberry ice cream and gazed out the ship’s universal viewport. As we accelerated into hyperdrive, the stars behind us red shifted into a heavenly bruised strawberry, seeping red putrescence here, black with fungus there, the stars dimmed seeds on the curving sides of the cosmic, fruited space; I was reminded of a time in primary school when my tummy had failed during the yearly school zoo trip, on our crowded, road-bumped bus - and now the galactic panorama receded behind me as an eternal, universal sick...an infinite expanse of explosive, internally-rejected gummy-bear suns floating in a bath of ill-used strawberry milkshake; the whole was certainly of a strawberry hue.

 

[Phyrebrat]

He'd had enough of this; he put his foot down like a waking flamingo.

This changes nothing, like a broken TV remote.

pH

 

[Venusian Broon]

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

[farntfar]

Then one day they met, in much the same way as parallel lines don't.

 

[Gonk the Insane]

It was utterly bonkers, nuttier than squirrel poo.

 

[Venusian Broon]

From a published book that made the 2015 bad sex awards...

"Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me."

 

[Venusian Broon]

The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Her hair glistened invitingly, like an oil slick in the moonlight!

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Nick B]

She was a frothing joyous girl, like a bottle of coca cola that's been shaken and had a mento's dropped in it. Only she was a person, not a fizzy drink.

 

[K.S. Crooks]

The river flowed like molasses in winter, which flows the same in the summer if you have the molasses inside your house.

 

[Davidjb]

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

 

[mosaix]

As my 5 year old nephew once said:

"It's as sticky as a very sticky thing."

 

[Nick B]

He had hair so red it was as though his head was aflame. Which it wasn't of course, or he'd be screaming.

 

[Gonk the Insane]

It was bad, bad as a really bad thing. But not, like, murder or anything. Definitely bad though. Like eating the last cake on the plate without asking anyone else if they mind, even though you know they won't object. So, pretty bad.

 

[Nick B]

Filthy Harry screamed like a stuck pig. A stuck pig that sounded like a man who had just had his left foot crushed by a three hundred pound weight. Which Harry had. Not a pig.