Who can come up with the worst simile or metaphor?

[Venusian Broon]

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

 

[zmunkz]

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

^^This is the best one by far.

Here is my own try:
"His looked down at his hands -- they were like a child's hands, only bigger and stronger and more worn."

 

[J Riff]

His lips swelled like stung by rattlesnakes and his garbled speech filled the air like cackling fowl.
...*

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

While I'm on a roll! (I like this challenge!)

He smelled her perfume and was instantly captivated. Drawn to her scent as a fly was to sh*t!

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Jeremy M. Gottwig]

Loving these! Here's another.

She was a sugar factory of sweetness but without the smelly byproducts.

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm voting for this one::

She was a frothing joyous girl, like a bottle of coca cola that's been shaken and had a mento's dropped in it. Only she was a person, not a fizzy drink.

::
And I'll add.

She's unlike the fizzy drink in that you can wash the fizzy drink away.

 

[Parson]

His new girl friend was like sugar, too refined, too sweet, and hard on the heart.

 

[zmunkz]

I thought of this one while I was driving so I handed my phone to my wife and asked her to take down the line for me... unfortunately, I didn't tell her what this was for, so now she's looking at me like a depressed clown looks at themselves in the mirror after a long day of clowning and wonders where their life went wrong.

Anyway...

The engine roared like a lion in the throws of sexual climax.

 

[MemoryTale]

Her laughter was like a babbling brook. Except it wasn't wet, and no fish were swimming in it.

 

[Dave]

As my 5 year old nephew once said:

"It's as sticky as a very sticky thing."

You should really have cleaned that up before his visit!

Yes, there are a lot of these bad student essay similes online - a little unfair to the students - but very funny nonetheless.

Stupid People - Bad Metaphors

 

[Gonk the Insane]

Hilarious, particularly "Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds" (points for accuracy, surely?) and the freight train one which reminds me of maths tests

 

[J Riff]

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
His remarks were as ill-fitting as his pants.

 

[LittleStar]

See, in a bad metaphor web page (link above), but I actually really like this one, "He fell for her like his heart was an informant and she was the East river." Very moody and voice-y. But then I do like noir...

 

[Droflet]

The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

I wish I could have written this but Seinfeld beat me to it.

 

[chrispenycate]

Ships rose above the horizon as if a puppeteer was drawing them to his audience's attention – first flags, masts and sails, then the smoke from cannon-fire, cuddling close to the water.

The non-dissipation of the smoke proving there was not the wind to propel these fleets, the first impression one got was of some vast submarine entity achieving erection.

 

[Dan Jones]

"She needed him like a diabetic needed cake."

That's magnificent.

"His face was an overseasoned fried egg sandwich of hate."

 

[JunkMonkey]

Yesterday I heard myself saying:

"Pasta without sauce is like a trombone without custard!" which, even as I was saying it, I knew made very little sense. (I would like to point out that I have been drug-free and sober for over a decade - so the crap I did back in my youth must have been really good stuff.)

But this is a real one; the entire blurb of Lips Touch by Laini Taylor

“Kizzy wanted it all so bad her soul leaned half out of her body hungering after it, and that was what drove the goblins wild, her soul hanging out there like an untucked shirt."

- a simile so dreadful it made me buy the book.

 

[J Riff]

Cannon fire cuddling close is creative. Mebbe... her lips chewed up his self-respect like a paper shredder gone rogue.
No. Nevermind. *

 

[Alex The G and T]

Her eyes were like lipid pools.

 

[Dan Jones]

Her eyes were like lipid pools.

How about "her eyes were like limpet pools"