Meryl Atkins
"Daddy, why are British soldiers called "Tommies"?"
"Good question, young Lochinvar. It all comes from the Great War, when the name "Tommy Atkins" was used as a catch-all name to describe the archetype of the private soldier - a small, tough working-class braveheart, puffing away on a Woodbine and doing his bit for King and Country*. But what people don't recall is that Tommy Atkins had a wife - Meryl Atkins."
"What was she like, Daddy?"
"An English Rose. Red of cheek, gay in her mannerisms and possessed of healthy embonpoint. Not unlike that lovely Nigella Lawson whom Uncle Peter gets so excited about. But Meryl was not all she appeared. She was actually an alien life form akin to a succubus. She came from the Planet Hernia and lived by feasting silently on the spirit and pluck of the British male. Meryl is ultimately responsible for turning our once-proud countrymen into the pallid, slack-jawed, burger-munching drones of today."
"Gosh! So who is Nebless Clem Crosier?
* Some facts might actually be correct for a change