Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[OuttaInc]

Where did it miss for most of you good folk?

Looking back at my notes, I didn't have any pros/cons written beside your name so that tells me I didn't understand it. (If something resonates with me, or puts me off, I'll note what it is. If I don't write anything, it usually means it was a perfectly fine story with no obvious issues, except that I didn't "get it" for some reason. I typically assume the error was on my part (eg, missed a cultural reference).

Re-reading it now, I think the issue (if there is one) is that it asks too much of the reader, and you probably could've cleared it up with another 25 or 30 words. I think it would've been in my short list if this had been the 100 or 300 word challenge, because I like the tender moment between grandfather and granddaughter. Hope that helps!

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Peter V. It's been mentioned before (and I agree that it's usually true) that most successful entries are those with interesting anecdotes, and/or those that have an unexpected twist or memorable ending. I don't think that there was anything that was wrong with your story, and I think I understood it at the first time of reading. Whilst it was a comforting depiction of a happy, homely family scene (a welcome distraction at the moment) for me it didn't have an impactful enough ending to make it stand out from other entries that did.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Any comments on my entry this month would be appreciated. The only thing I could think of when coming up with a story were boots marching, so I focused on the footwear rather than the action, which may have taken me away from the topic. I tried to make it amusing, but it wasn't really a story, which probably didn't help either.


Step Right Up




Down at heel?

Going nowhere in life?

Why not try these on for size...


Seven League
Boots


Be the envy of your friends with our enchanting footwear.

Guaranteed to put a spring in your step!

But don't just take our word for it...


"Who needs slippers? With Seven League Boots I'm the life and sole of the party!" Cinderella

"I wish I had a pair of these!" Aladdin

"Simply charming!" Charming


Hurry, stock going fast!

 

[paranoid marvin]

I didn't have a problem with the characters (who they were and what they were doing). Just with the whole calendar thing (although I knew it was connected to a different world with different characteristics to Earth - days, months and years all different).

Its hard to make everything absolutely clear in 75 words. That's part of the appeal. I think in my own story I realized it was not clear whether the protagonist was about to have a pleasant night of kinky fun or whether he was in some sort of serious trouble. But perhaps it doesn't matter because either interpretation works. The reader is left to their own preferences in that respect.

I think I did miss the genre somewhat. And I know some folks will mark a story down for that (justifiably). I'll be focusing more on that next time around.

Sometimes a limited wordcount improves an entry rather than detracting from it. Your story worked perfectly in 75 words; I'm not sure it would have done so if you had tried to expand it any further.

 

[redzwritez]

Hi all, I just wanted to check before I posted here. Is it alright to post your entries from past 75 word challenges? I missed the March challenge but I did get something posted in the one from February. Is it alright to ask for people's opinions on that one?

 

[The Judge]

That's fine, redzwritez. Post away. And if you ever wanted to practice on an old Challenge, that can be posted here, too, even though you didn't enter at the time. Just remind us of the relevant theme and genre, though, when it's not for the immediate past month, since that's often relevant when we give a critique.

 

[Aknot]

Any pointers regarding my entry?

The March Between Awake And Sleep

As the sun sets, I wake. I scurry soundlessly over jagged rooftops where chimneys silhouette the darkening sky like broken teeth. In the march between awake and sleep, I hunt. I chase fragments of thoughts. Gorge on joys of the day, grow fat on elated memories. I steal happiness and leave droppings of dread. Defecating anguish and panic. My foulness the seeds of terror. As morning crows I sleep, sated on despair and nightmares.

 

[redzwritez]

Any pointers regarding my entry?

The March Between Awake And Sleep

As the sun sets, I wake. I scurry soundlessly over jagged rooftops where chimneys silhouette the darkening sky like broken teeth. In the march between awake and sleep, I hunt. I chase fragments of thoughts. Gorge on joys of the day, grow fat on elated memories. I steal happiness and leave droppings of dread. Defecating anguish and panic. My foulness the seeds of terror. As morning crows I sleep, sated on despair and nightmares.

Your description in this story is really, really good. I love that about it.

 

[Parson]

@Aknot .... I thought that this was a lovely description of that fluid time between waking and sleeping, but I didn't see any story. Secondly, I didn't see anything that made me think of a march. What you were describing is more like flitting without rhyme or reason. Lovely for sure, but not what I was looking for.

 

[redzwritez]

While it's in my brain and I'm online here's my story from February if anyone could give any opinions on it. The theme was Fake and the genres listed were SF, fantasy or horror in case anyone isn't sure since it was a bit ago.


“When you lie on an application form it makes me think you’re dishonest,” said Rogers.
“I’m so sorry, Sir! I was scared I wouldn't get an interview!”

The tree sprite’s nose drooped, her purple mouth quivered. It was tough for fairies in the tech industry. One puts a vine through a screen and suddenly no one wants to take one on. Rogers sighed.

“You're better than the troll though.”

He shook her hand.

"Welcome aboard."

 

[Aknot]

@Aknot .... I thought that this was a lovely description of that fluid time between waking and sleeping, but I didn't see any story. Secondly, I didn't see anything that made me think of a march. What you were describing is more like flitting without rhyme or reason. Lovely for sure, but not what I was looking for.

Thanks. True, it’s rather a description of something than a full story. Will certainly keep that in mind going forward.

English is my second language so an important part for me writing here is simply to improve it. I thought march can also mean borderland? Hence the “The March Between Awake And Sleep”. I had the idea of a someplace in between those two states, where a monster roams. But even if it can mean that I’m not certain I use it correctly.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Aknot I thought there was some good use of language to paint a mood similar to the place between wake and sleep.

I scurry soundlessly over jagged rooftops where chimneys silhouette the darkening sky like broken teeth.

I particularly like this passage.

However the choice of the word “defecating” did not work for me and made me picture someone pooping off the roof, probably not what you were after there.

 

[Parson]

@Aknot You have taught this native speaker a definition. You are correct that a "march" can be a "borderland." So my second objection is cancelled. I would be interested in how many there were like me who did not make that connection.

 

[Astro Pen]

@Aknot You have taught this native speaker a definition. You are correct that a "march" can be a "borderland." So my second objection is cancelled. I would be interested in how many there were like me who did not make that connection.

Indeed, I think we have a couple of prominent members who live on the Welsh Marches.
Welsh Marches - Wikipedia

 

[OuttaInc]

Any comments on my entry this month would be appreciated.

I checked my notes and I had “Very John Dos Passos” written next to it, haha. I guess it reminded me of his multimedia approach to The 42nd Parallel, which incorporates news reels and ads interspersed throughout the story narrative.

In reviewing yours just now, I recall thinking it was cute and it made me smile. But I was wishing there were more to it than just a literal ad, something to give me pause, or think about the ramifications of buying boots from a fairy tale shoemaker. Again, the word limit was probably the biggest barrier here to reaching its full potential.

 

[OuttaInc]

I would be interested in how many there were like me who did not make that connection.

I wasn’t familiar with this meaning myself until I looked it up. It’s not a common usage here in the States.

As an aside, I wondered if people outside the States would understand a reference to March Madness? Or is that just a crazy American phenomenon?

English is my second language

Even more impressive then!

As you know, I voted for yours. I’m a sucker for imagery. I see you mentioned above something about a monster. I interpreted it as Anxiety, and felt it was the perfect description of it. True, it’s not a story in the strict sense, but neither were many of the other entries. With 75 words, it’s hard to check every box. But for me, yours was the standout. Well done!

 

[Aknot]

@Aknot I thought there was some good use of language to paint a mood similar to the place between wake and sleep.

I particularly like this passage.

However the choice of the word “defecating” did not work for me and made me picture someone pooping off the roof, probably not what you were after there.

Thank you. Glad you liked it.

I was inspired by some contemporary authors who use quite coarse language. But good to hear that it threw you off. It’s a point to keep in mind.

I did had the idea of something literally pooping all over the rooftops (but not off a roof). A monster that eats our good memory from the day and literally leaves a dump in our mind that turns to nightmares.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I checked my notes and I had “Very John Dos Passos” written next to it, haha. I guess it reminded me of his multimedia approach to The 42nd Parallel, which incorporates news reels and ads interspersed throughout the story narrative.

In reviewing yours just now, I recall thinking it was cute and it made me smile. But I was wishing there were more to it than just a literal ad, something to give me pause, or think about the ramifications of buying boots from a fairy tale shoemaker. Again, the word limit was probably the biggest barrier here to reaching its full potential.

Thanks for the feedback Outtalnc.

 

[JS Wiig]

I appreciate any and all feedback on my March ‘22 entry, reproduced here in its entirety for your convenience:

Beware the Hands that March

Life stands before you,
Encouraging your toothless grin and babbling incomprehensibility,
Filled with endless prospects.

The minutes ahead seem uncountable,
Experiences of savoring triumphs,
Suffering despairs,
Indulging in the propagation of souls,
But you move too quickly,
Too determined,
Too focused on an end.

Now countless minutes have passed,
Life’s shadow stretches long,
Once again with toothless grin and babbling incomprehensibility,
The final clock chime sounds,
A last breath.

Your time’s run out.

I did some different things here with the verse, second person and present tense, and am particularly interested in how those three things did or didn’t work.

I think the biggest issue with respect to the challenges was the lack of definitive speculative fiction elements.

Thanks!

 

[therapist]

I tried to make it amusing, but it wasn't really a story

I think your own assessment is accurate. I enjoyed the amusing quotes from Cinderella, Alladin and Charming. And I felt you achieved the tone you were going for. But there was no story to latch onto.