Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Aknot]

@Wayne Mack Great input, thanks. Appreciate the grammatical feedback as well. It’s an unintended slip up.

 

[JS Wiig]

I had one of my better responses to this piece with several mentions and two votes, so I’m as much interested in what worked as in what didn’t. I tried something a bit different for me with the first person and present tense.

I suspect that the darker nature of the tale may have been a turn off for some readers.

Thanks in advance for your time and feedback, it is much appreciated!

Know Your Enemy

“It’s ready, General.”

I enter the experimental machine and it works flawlessly. I know instantly the infinite outcomes of every possible scenario—how to end the war, to end all wars. I know what happens if I don’t. It’s too much.

I emerge from the machine omniscient, distraught, resolved.

“Did it work? Can we win?”

“Yes, Mr. President,” I say, then shoot him. I turn our vast weapons arrays upon ourselves and open fire.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Yes, its good. First of all, it has some kind of beginning, middle and end. It doesn't feel like a paragraph ripped out of a longer, more involved story. And it leaves the reader with a thought. Something to take away and ponder, at least for a few seconds. In that sense, it has a feeling of completeness to it, which many entries often don't.

 

[Parson]

Agree with @Christine Wheelwright yours was definitely a story rather than a snippet. I also think that the twist at the end made a lot of people, myself included, go "I didn't see that coming." Further, I don't believe that a "dark" story is any kind of problem. From my perspective we get a whole lot of dark stories in this challenge (although they might be a bit less lately, don't know for sure) and it seems that they do very well and often win. I've often thought my lack of success at these stories had something to do with my more upbeat spin on things. ---- It couldn't be that my stories just aren't that good. (@nixie please don't slap me for self denigration.)

 

[nixie]

More like we're such a morbid lot and have a poor understanding of upbeat. I'll not slap you this time @Parson.

I've won twice, both times with a dark tale.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Christine Wheelwright @Parson thank you for the feedback. I’ve definitely been focusing on getting the beginning, middle and end parts based on feedback from previous entries, so it’s good to hear I’m making some positive improvement in that regard.

 

[THX1138]

@Christine Wheelwright @Parson thank you for the feedback. I’ve definitely been focusing on getting the beginning, middle and end parts based on feedback from previous entries, so it’s good to hear I’m making some positive improvement in that regard.

I like to review past winners to see what I can learn from them. But there are some 75 word stories winners that I just don't get!
Always something to learn.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I'd first like to say that I was very pleased to finish with 3 votes this month. I did wonder after posting if I'd met the theme of 'trees and plant's. Did seeds count, especially with the consideration that it was essentially a take on 'Jack and the Beanstalk'?

My inspiration was to consider the other side of the story; what happened to the bloke who went home from market with a cow ? What would his better half have said about having a half-ton methane machine trampling around the house? I think at some point most of us have gone home to our spouse/partners/parents thinking that they'll be so pleased with the *thing* that we've bought/made/found - and then finding out that they aren't!

My objective was to get the reader to think that it was Jack getting the earache for getting conned with 'magic' beans, until the final line when the twist is that it's the other bloke.

Did I make it clear? Or too obvious? Or funny enough?

Any and all comments are very much appreciated.



Trading Places


"You've done what!?"

"A trade, dearest."

"A trade, you say. Magic beans for a cow?"

"But it seemed like a good offer at the time..."

"Hah! Of all the men I could've married. Mother warned me, but did I listen?"

"Do you ever?"

"Less of your cheek, my lad! Now get out there, and don't even think about coming home until you've swapped them back."

"But..."

"And take that b****y cow with you!"

 

[Wayne Mack]

@paranoid marvin, I liked your story a lot, I voted for it. You did a good job of setting up the final line. I immediately got the allusion to Jack and the Beanstalk and felt initial confusion over the final line that quickly resolved into understanding. That is exactly what a good plot twist should. I felt the dialog in the piece flowed well and was believable.

One minor thing is that I am not a fan of redacted curse words. I find that this causes me to stop and try and figure out what the actual word might be and pulls me away from the story flow. I suggest to either use the expletive out right and own it or choose a word that you feel more comfortable in using.

Overall, I felt it was a good tale. Thank you for the laugh!

 

[JS Wiig]

@paranoid marvin I thought it was a good entry and per your explanation did what you set out to do. Strong work!

 

[Hugh]

Ahhh! I didn't get it that it was the other bloke in the last line. Must have been a bit slow... I did read through the stories several times, but....

 

[Parson]

@paranoid marvin I thought your story was well constructed and entertaining. I loved the twist on the Jack and the Beanstalk story and thought it worked from the beginning to the end. I think it did not make the cut for me because of the curse word at the end. Being American I filled it in with the female dog expletive and didn't think that is what someone would say about a cow. Reading over it now, the light goes on and I think it's an English expletive that we would use a descriptive adjective. If I'd have come up with that earlier you most certainly would have made my short list.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Thankyou all for the great feedback and some really positive comments. With hindsight the redacted curse was a misjudgement on my part, which satisfies neither those who don't mind some swearing in the story nor those who do. I'm glad that in the main I got my story across the way I intended, but I fully understand that when there are so many stories, with so many twists and turns, that the point may be missed.

I'm really glad though that the humour came through, and to make someone laugh means more than any vote ever could.

 

[THX1138]

From Junes 75 word. Some input please.
Thanks everyone!

Never Move a Fallen Tree

“The Orcs will never again use our wooded flesh to forge their blades.” Tree Ent stated casting the last of them afar.

High Elf bowed solemnly. “Thanks to your help, we defeated them all.”

“What!?” Ent roared looking back angrily. “We defeated them?”

“Ah, you defeated them?” He stepped back as Ent turned, then advanced.

“And how do you fuel your forges?” Ent demanded, limbs thrashing elves asunder. “With wooden bones taken from my Ancestors!”

 

[JS Wiig]

@THX1138

Character wise thought it was good, with the pompous backpedaling elf and the incensed ent.

Plot wise I found the ending unsatisfactory as it didn’t resolve the conflict for me that arose between the elves and the ents concerning the use of tree bones to fire their forges (ironically the same conflict that led to the demise of the orcs). Did the ents destroy the elves as well? Did the elves capitulate and find another source of fuel?

Prose wise I had trouble with this sentence:

“The Orcs will never again use our wooded flesh to forge their blades.” Tree Ent stated casting the last of them afar.

I thought there should be a comma after “blades” rather than a period.

Thanks for sharing your story and hope this helps!

 

[Parson]

@THX1138 This story just didn't do it for me. And I guess the problem is mine. On rereading it I suddenly had the epiphany that perhaps Ent stood for some mythological creature with a backstory and not just something you made up on the spot. (Remember my background is close to 100% SF) When I looked it up and found it came from Tolkien it made a lot more sense.

Beyond that it didn't seem to be a story so much as the beginning of one. My question after reading it was: "What happened next?"

 

[THX1138]

@THX1138

Character wise thought it was good, with the pompous backpedaling elf and the incensed ent.

Plot wise I found the ending unsatisfactory as it didn’t resolve the conflict for me that arose between the elves and the ents concerning the use of tree bones to fire their forges (ironically the same conflict that led to the demise of the orcs). Did the ents destroy the elves as well? Did the elves capitulate and find another source of fuel?

Prose wise I had trouble with this sentence:

I thought there should be a comma after “blades” rather than a period.

Thanks for sharing your story and hope this helps!

I see you point about it stopping in mid-point and un-resolved.
@Parson had the same view too.
Thanks again! I'm going to take more advantage of this thread.

 

[THX1138]

@THX1138 This story just didn't do it for me. And I guess the problem is mine. On rereading it I suddenly had the epiphany that perhaps Ent stood for some mythological creature with a backstory and not just something you made up on the spot. (Remember my background is close to 100% SF) When I looked it up and found it came from Tolkien it made a lot more sense.

Beyond that it didn't seem to be a story so much as the beginning of one. My question after reading it was: "What happened next?"

I'm more SF too. Thought I'd try a Fantasy take and a Tolkien approached came to mind for a more visual take.
Funny how a story sounds good in your head and looks even better on paper from YPOV, And then you see that it ended at a mid-point after the fact...

Thanks' and very much appreciated! Gives me more insight to your comments on the Discussion (75, 300 word)

 

[Wayne Mack]

@THX1138 I suggest analyzing using the Promise, Progress, Payoff model. The opening promise and progress steps seem to be about the battle with the Orcs.

“The Orcs will never again use our wooded flesh to forge their blades.” Tree Ent stated casting the last of them afar.

High Elf bowed solemnly. “Thanks to your help, we defeated them all.”

“What!?” Ent roared looking back angrily. “We defeated them?”

“Ah, you defeated them?” He stepped back as Ent turned, then advanced.

The Payoff, however, was about the Ents having an an issue with the Elves.

“And how do you fuel your forges?” Ent demanded, limbs thrashing elves asunder. “With wooden bones taken from my Ancestors!”

This left me unsatisfied as a reader since I was looking for details on the battle, but then I got something else which I was not prepared for.

 

[VRlass]

Ok so i guess i can ask you to do mine… I think, after reading few stories, that it might be underdescriptive... but is there anything else?

“So you are death?”

“Yup” said the girl on the other side of the room

“So you want to take me away”

“Yup”

“But can I go back to my body instead?”

“Yup”

“And what is on the other side?”

“For you… heaven for sure.”

“Ok, seems like no-brainier… but who will feed my dog?”

“No one.”

“No one?”

“No one”

“How could I go to heaven knowing my dog suffers.”

Death smiled.

“You couldn’t”.