Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[VRlass]

Stay on topic. I think you were ok with water but missed speculative fiction.

But… talking, smiling turtles, playing tag…?
I think i need to go to Canada someday…

Nice cuddly ending but it lacked impact.

Yeah. I was in a bit dark place and wanted to go with another scaring story. I wrote this, kinda against everything that was I’m my head. Maby this is why it isn’t resonating. I wanted the ending to be comforting and mild.

You have an upbeat, optimistic office-inspirational-poster feel to the story.

Probably in your company you have some cool posters.
From what i can remember from mine there was the toilet usage graphical instructions and one “together we can achieve more”, which falls into pretty much the same category.
It felt cold when i first read Your comment XD

Include any or all of the following:

GREAT CHEATSHEET!! I really like it

I don’t feel beaten i just thought if so little shortlists-there would be some obvious flaw that i missed.
And now I get it - Thanks

I’d suggest theme and genre are different, and both have to be achieved. The speculative element in your tale was the fact that turtles could speak, not that water is a metaphor for life.

Ok… I see you’r point.
Sorry I‘m new here. I didn’t take “the theme” so literally. For me there are many themes i can put into the story but the main one wasn’t even connected to water. Ok, this is interesting view and it definitely makes the challenge more challenging…

 

[Swank]

Using speculative element I am using water as a metaphor for new stage of one’s life.
For me this is a story about growing up. And all the anxieties going along with it.

Anthropmorphized animals are generally not seen as speculative if the story doesn't put them in a world that has sprculative elements to explain their existance.

Which is a long way of saying that the talking turtles made your story appear to be children's fiction.

 

[VRlass]

Ok, I need to read definition again…

 

[Swank]

Ok, I need to read definition again…

It isn't a definition problem. Most people would find your content and theme most like a children's story. Illustrate it and it would be the right number of pages.

 

[Bruce MacLean]

Hi, would appreciate some feedback on my entry. What worked and what didn’t? I’d also like to know if it made sense and if it was too dour; normally I use a lot of humour in my writing, but went all serious for a change:

“Vengeance

Standing on the cliff facing the sea, I calm my breathing to match the ebb and flow of the tide.

Slowly, I find the rhythm and equalise.

I exert my will and now the tide follows my lead.

The sea is restless, but the memories of the fallen keep my concentration focused.

Larger breaths now.

Larger waves.

Finally, I draw a breath that fills my lungs and hold…the Tsunami will destroy them all.”

 

[VRlass]

All seems cool but here is what happens in my head:

The sea is restless, but the memories of the fallen keep my concentration focused.

This sentence seems broken.
‘keep my concentration focused’? Why not just ‘keep me focused’
‘memories of the fallen keep me focused’? If i picture fallen close ones there is no way i can focus.
‘The sea is restless, but the memories of the fallen keep me focused.’ This place is just SCREAMING FOR:
‘The sea is furious, as do I with the memories of the fallen.’

At first read i don’t even know what doesn’t work for me, but it just crashes my understanding and the next line i start as if it was a new story.
Apart from this one sentence… strong nice story.

 

[Astro Pen]

Hi, would appreciate some feedback on my entry. What worked and what didn’t? I’d also like to know if it made sense and if it was too dour; normally I use a lot of humour in my writing, but went all serious for a change:

“Vengeance

Standing on the cliff facing the sea, I calm my breathing to match the ebb and flow of the tide.

Slowly, I find the rhythm and equalise.

I exert my will and now the tide follows my lead.

The sea is restless, but the memories of the fallen keep my concentration focused.

Larger breaths now.

Larger waves.

Finally, I draw a breath that fills my lungs and hold…the Tsunami will destroy them all.”

Did you mean the tides or the waves? Tides would imply some enormous entity that breathes in hours not seconds.
That threw me.
Yet you are standing on a clifftop.
If we assume human and waves then what are you seeking revenge for? No clue who has fallen. Were you a Japanese PoW perhaps?
I like the idea of synchronising though.

 

[Elckerlyc]

Yes, all of what Astro Pen said.
The idea of power over the tides (or waves) was intriguing, but I would have appreciated a story about this ability itself more that just the application of it for revenge - a revenge of which the why remains unclear to us.
I felt more for 'them', the people who will fall victim to the evoked tsunami, than for the 'fallen'. Even though we know neither of the involved parties. If that was unintended, than the story should have made it clear why the tsunami was... I will not say just, but (halfway) understandable.

We have all our own preferences, biases and whatnot when voting. Just look at the distribution of votes; 50% of the stories got at least 1 vote. In this case, and strictly speaking for myself, if the story had had a different ending, another purpose for the use of this power over the waves, than it might possibly have been shortlisted by me. Voters are fickle, is all I'm saying.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Bruce MacLean I liked the what and the how, but was quite unsure of the why. A little hint at who “the fallen” were may have helped in that regard, and given me direction on what I should feel about the pending victims.

Hope that helps and thanks for sharing!

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Bruce MacLean, I think you had the basis for a great story here. I really like the idea of a person turning the ocean to their will . There are one or two tweaks that I could suggest that may be worth considering.



There are times when you have to be a little vague; after all, you only have 75 words in which to tell a story. Having both 'the fallen' and the tsunami destroying 'them' is a little too vague. It may be worth trying to fit into your story that the person is stood on a clifftop overlooking a fortress/prison/headquarters of his foe, and that the ensuing tsunami will destroy it/them? The 'why' is already explained in your title.

As a suggestion, you could easily lose the line The sea is restless, but the memories of the fallen keep my concentration focused to free up more words elsewhere. So for example,


I stand on a clifftop facing the sea, my enemy's stronghold below.

I calm my breathing to match the ebb and flow of the tide, gradually finding its rhythm as we synchronise.


Larger breaths now.

Perhaps 'Deeper breaths?'

 

[Bruce MacLean]

Thanks for the feedback all, really useful. @paranoid marvin - ‘enemy stronghold’ and ‘Deeper breathes’ make a lot of sense.

@VRlass - I was trying to imply a kind of revenge is best served cold state of mind, but I can see how that sentence could have been better written (or even removed as @paranoid marvin suggested).

A few of you mentioned wanting to know more about who the fallen were…space was tight so it was left intentionally vague, but I can see how it’s hard to illicit sympathy without that information.

And @Astro Pen - you’re right, waves not tide, otherwise the protagonist’s synchronicity could take a month.

Much appreciated.

 

[Troyzan787]

Hello! I would definitely appreciate any and all critique and feedback. I only recently started letting other read my work when I joined the forum a few weeks ago, so I know I have a lot to improve upon.

This Time

I’ll make it this time, Mark thought to himself, as he launched his Kayak into the river.

He paddled into the rapids, the rushing water splashing him. He came around a boulder, hitting an eddy. The kayak flipped. Mark felt himself pulled under. He screamed in frustration, the cold wetness filling his lungs.

He opened his eyes.

I’ll make it this time, Mark thought to himself, as he launched his Kayak into the river.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Troyzan787 no particular issues with your story, I just think the time loop with the ending sentence matching the opening sentence is a path well worn. Without some kind of unexpected attribute it doesn’t stand out much in a crowded room.

Thanks for sharing and hope this helps!

 

[Peter V]

Hello! I would definitely appreciate any and all critique and feedback. I only recently started letting other read my work when I joined the forum a few weeks ago, so I know I have a lot to improve upon.

This Time

I’ll make it this time, Mark thought to himself, as he launched his Kayak into the river.

He paddled into the rapids, the rushing water splashing him. He came around a boulder, hitting an eddy. The kayak flipped. Mark felt himself pulled under. He screamed in frustration, the cold wetness filling his lungs.

He opened his eyes.

I’ll make it this time, Mark thought to himself, as he launched his Kayak into the river.

Immediately I see you can free up some words from the first paragraph.

Mark launched his kayak into the river. I'll make it this time.

Saves five words. Even if uncomfortable with this you can lose "to himself" as this really is a given.

Saves the same five words in the last paragraph

Ten extra words to perhaps drop a hint as to why this may be happening, maybe even instill a sense of deja vu for our protagonist.

 

[Raz2k13]

Curious to get some feedback and see where I can improve. This was a struggle. I have never gotten anything under 200 words. I challenged myself years ago to try and do something under 100 and it ended up at like 226 so this was something totally out of my wheelhouse but it was fun.

Unforgiving Love

I rushed out of the house and into the forest. I stumbled down my well worn path, careful not to get cut by the branches. They hated when I bled. I rushed forward and off the edge of the cliff at the treeline. Adrenaline flooded my veins as I free fell and then they engulfed me. The shock of their cold and sway of their waves calmed me.

“We missed you.” They sang to me.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Curious to get some feedback and see where I can improve. This was a struggle. I have never gotten anything under 200 words. I challenged myself years ago to try and do something under 100 and it ended up at like 226 so this was something totally out of my wheelhouse but it was fun.

Unforgiving Love

I rushed out of the house and into the forest. I stumbled down my well worn path, careful not to get cut by the branches. They hated when I bled. I rushed forward and off the edge of the cliff at the treeline. Adrenaline flooded my veins as I free fell and then they engulfed me. The shock of their cold and sway of their waves calmed me.

“We missed you.” They sang to me.

I think the format is great, but it was just a little too vague for me; the why and the who. I suspected the waves or merfolk were 'they' but there wasnt a 'reveal' which tends to go well in the 75 word challenges. I liked the use of 'my' well worn path because if she/he is risking getting cuts using her own path (her own choice), then it hints at some form of self-deception and/or harm, but I don't think you meant that.

As far as first encounters with flash fic goes, I think you did a great job, but the pathos inferred came to comparatively little at the last line.

The thing with the challenges is they're best used as tools for your own writing elsewhere rather than aiming for wins -- although wins and votes are important, too. People are probably fatigued from my constant 'do the challenges!' cry when someone wants to improve their writing, but it's an incredible tool to sharpen your prose.

 

[VRlass]

@Troyzan787 well in its own way its a good story, but from the story perspective—nothing changed, you use EXACTLY the same words, so it might have been just aN endless time loop where one need to repeat his own agony again and again. If that’s the case I’d Use ending to hint it out. If its not ,you could change just one word or make any note that the guy knows what happened before.
It kinda leaves me with simmilar feeling as if I have eaten popcorn… I digested something… Did I?
In my mind: story starts, stuff happened, story ends looping a start.

@Raz2k13
On one end : I simply have no idea what is it about, and who is who
on the other: the story i read:
“person sneaks out of a village to jump of a cliff to sea/ocean, to meet with some folk”?
It seems like you made 75 worder by cutting 150 words out of original.

 

[Parson]

@Troyzan787 .... I also feel that there was a lot of extra words which could have been used to the story more of a story with a beginning, middle, and end. I felt blindsided by the ending. I assumed it was a time loop but there was no hint that this was anything but an adventure story before the ending.

Also (picky I know) I was put off by the line the cold wetness filling his lungs. Cold wetness sounds like getting hit with a cold towel, not a drowning. I would like something more violently visceral in a drowning.

On the positive side I thought this was a clever use of the theme and genre, and it had real possibilities of being great.

--------

@Raz2k13 ..... In large part your story was a mystery to me. I couldn't sort any reason for rushing head long down a painful path. I certainly didn't have a clue as to who "they" were. I was left with too many questions to understand the story.

But, I thought your writing was very evocative. I could feel the pain and the determination. I felt the glow of being joined at the end. So I feel your writing has a lot of potential. For a first effort at a micro fiction I think you did well.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I’ll make it this time, Mark thought to himself, as he launched his Kayak into the river.

'This time.' That would indicate that Mark is aware of being either in a time-loop or is being revived somehow to try again. But I'm not sure this is what you intended to imply. It doesn't seem to bother him. Was he simply doggedly retrying until he could do the rapids, unaware he repeatedly died while trying? It is a mystery of which I would have preferred to see some hint, a hint at a deeper layer.
Careful phrasing is important, It is so easy to unintentionally imply something that can confuse the reader. Consider every word, which you have to do anyway to keep the 75-word limit.
You'll make it next time!

 

[VRlass]

'This time.' That would indicate that Mark is aware of being either in a time-loop or is being revived somehow to try again.

Well the way I read it it means he tried it few times some time ago and now has this thingy that respawns him. But poor fella doesn’t know it erases his memory - ergo its the same thing as if he just died. He just need to relive his death over and over again, as a cruel trickster divinity, that gave him boon.
He repeats EXACTLY the same thing. Not a word has changed.
There is a cool and powerful story that is trying to come out, but you dont let it
I’d expand this idea