Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Hugh]

I rather liked this.

I did find it reminiscent of Neil Gaiman's 'Death' though I'm not sure that matters.

The one thing that didn't feel quite right to me was that Death first assures him he can go to heaven, but then later it becomes clear that he can't if his dog is left to suffer. As his dog suffering seems to have been a given from the start, it seems odd that earlier on he was assured of heaven.
Maybe I misunderstood but that's how it came across to me.

I did like the simplicity and freshness of the prose.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi VRlass, there's a lot I liked about your story, and well done on getting a vote. Over half got none (including mine) so even 1 vote is not a bad result.

A few things that I would suggest. Firstly word count is vital in the Challenges, and there are easy ways to dispense with unnecessary words that could be put to better use elsewhere.

For example

“So you are death?”

Could be

"Are you... Death?" (I would suggest capitalising 'Death' as a person). This saves so 1 word, and at this stage it's perhaps more questionable than presumptive that the person is Death.


“Yup” said the girl on the other side of the room

Could be

The girl nodded. ("Yup" doesn't sound like the kind of thing Death would say. And there seems to be no reason why the figure is on the other side of the room? You could even make it simpler and just use "Yes." or "Yup."

“So you want to take me away” may sound better as "You've come to take me away?" Again the 'so' is unnecessary and gives you an extra word elsewhere.


“But can I go back to my body instead?”

“Yup”

This choice seems too easy, as though everyone can do this. An alternative could be that the reply is "Perhaps." or maybe "In your case... yes."?


And what is on the other side?” could be shortened to "What's on the other side" or even "We're we going?" or "We're you taking me?" which gets across the same meaning but saves you words.


Please take these as suggestions and alternatives rather than criticism. By choosing at times to use contractions such as shouldn't, can't, we're etc, you can add to your story elsewhere.

The one thing that stopped me from shortlisting (possibly voting) for your story was that I couldn't see where the theme of 'the outsider' fit into your story. Perhaps because she was 'outside' of her body, or perhaps Death is meant to be 'the outsider' but this wasn't really made clear (to me at least).

As an alternative, and to fit in with the theme, perhaps the person can't return to their body, and the issue isn't that the pet won't be fed, but that the dead person doesn't want to 'cross over' or enter Heaven until she can do it with their beloved dog. So he/she tells Death that they will wait 'outside' until their pet can join them and they can cross over together?

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Ok so i guess i can ask you to do mine… I think, after reading few stories, that it might be underdescriptive... but is there anything else?

“So you are death?”

“Yup” said the girl on the other side of the room

“So you want to take me away”

“Yup”

“But can I go back to my body instead?”

“Yup”

“And what is on the other side?”

“For you… heaven for sure.”

“Ok, seems like no-brainier… but who will feed my dog?”

“No one.”

“No one?”

“No one”

“How could I go to heaven knowing my dog suffers.”

Death smiled.

“You couldn’t”.

I didn't fully understand this one. Maybe its just me.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@VRlass, this was an interesting story and I enjoyed the back and forth dialog between the character and Death. I also thought it was interesting to personify Death as a little girl. This contrasted nicely with the implied cruelty at the end. Two details, though, puzzled me. In the set up, why doesn't the character show at least some reluctance towards dying, especially if he or she had a choice? Second, as noted previously by @Hugh, I didn't fully understand Death promising the character would go to Heaven and then saying he or she could not.

There is a lot to like about this story and the dialog sequence worked well. It would be interesting to see this story redone without the word count restriction. I feel like there is a good tale trying to get out.

 

[VRlass]

I like to create layers of understanding within my stories. Tell a plain story that is shown from a certain perspective and add little details that casts a light on the shadows to reveal new meaning, thus creating story within story. I guess its hard to force reader to reread, so i guess i need some strong hooking skills. It might be pure “wantism” (don’t know English word for it) at times, for readers to understand something that is not clearly there, but I like to give people the sense of riddle… Maybe even make them reflect…

Spoiler: If you want to try to solve the riddle, go back to the text.

1. Girl - The death is a girl FOR HIM/HER. You might assume for others it might take different form (maybe scary even). And you might assume that for this character death is not yet in the final form, thus foreshadowing what is to come.
2. Reluctance (lack of) - The character is outside his/her body, and this lack of reluctance might simply imply life well lived. A state of tranquility and satisfaction there I say.
3. Conflict of promises - The death knows this character. It knows that this person is good, and could never let his/her dog suffer. Does it know the future—I don’t know, but from the text it seems like It simply knows that protagonist will go back to take care of the dog.
4. Reluctance (lack of REVISED) - in second reading it is more clear that the the protagonist is the kind of a person that doesn’t fear death, had a beautiful life well lived, and is actually ready to leave, but the thing that stops him/her is the sense of duty, care for others.
5. Core of the story - Ok so the core of the first story is a choice. Core of the second story is a choice, that is not really a choice, and this might as well never happen, or be a dream for this person—It changes nothing—that’s some crappy core... And here I go to the very depth (abyss more likely) of wantism for the third story that happens… within the reader. Reach the meta level, and make one reflect how would they act given the circumstances.

 

[JS Wiig]

@VRlass I really liked the dilemma presented in the piece. My biggest issue was the inconsistent punctuation.

 

[VRlass]

@VRlass I really liked the dilemma presented in the piece. My biggest issue was the inconsistent punctuation.

OMG YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT… In the country I’m from, we use totally different punctuation. I need to learn from scratch, and some stuff i find really shocking (does anyone have a good punctuation tutorial/study material?).
edit.
ok found it - Parentheses | The Punctuation Guide
seems comprehensive.
edit 2 (i really dont like to spam).
Well… Now to think about it… Misuse of a punctuation is the most powerful tool, if i want to convince audience, that my story isn’t challenging, but simply a crap.
Thanks @JS Wiig … You gave me something to think about.

 

[VRlass]

Guys this is really weird but for some unclear reason i saw only @Christine Wheelwright and @Wayne Mack comments (and their concerns i addressed—hopefully well—3 posts above).
@Hugh I ADORE Neil’s death… And I think I will borrow it/her one day… but in here i was trying to use it’s appearance for something bit different and to magnify the effect by showing her as girl (spoils 3 posts above)
well sorry to say, but its more complex… I love the “dark souls” sort of narration or the kind presented in little prince, where you think you know something only to understand another layer of depth—if you so chose…
@paranoid marvin

“So you are death?”

Could be

"Are you... Death?" (I would suggest capitalising 'Death' as a person). This saves so 1 word, and at this stage it's perhaps more questionable than presumptive that the person is Death

I know what you mean, and as i read it now after @JS Wiig comments i want to scream (IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN: “So… you are death?”).
The thing is, my version implies, that this is not the beginning of this story, there was some context before, and the entrance of the story seems smother, less abrupt.

“Yup” said the girl on the other side of the room

Could be

The girl nodded. ("Yup" doesn't sound like the kind of thing Death would say. And there seems to be no reason why the figure is on the other side of the room? You could even make it simpler and just use "Yes." or "Yup."

Ok this is something interesting.
I have no description whatsoever of anything at all, so I simply put her, on the other side of the room, to tell reader, at least there is a room XD
By “Yup” i wanted to put emphasis on the “young” nature of death.
But by making her silent figure i loose human factor, but leverage the mystery. I am not sure i need human factor here… I like your nod…

“So you want to take me away” may sound better as "You've come to take me away?" Again the 'so' is unnecessary and gives you an extra word elsewhere.

Poor choice of (not using) punctuation from my side aside, I agree… in part. I wanted to create “let me get this straight” narration, but I should have gone with “and” not “so”, and (coming back to your suggestion) “come” fits soooo much better than “want“ And I could go with “Maby” instead of second “Yup” and this would forshadow sooo much better…

“But can I go back to my body instead?”

“Yup”

This choice seems too easy, as though everyone can do this. An alternative could be that the reply is "Perhaps." or maybe "In your case... yes."?

I didn’t think of making him special… An this would align with the story so much better…
I think I would go with: “Ok…” it’s subtle but seems sufficient…

And what is on the other side?” could be shortened to "What's on the other side" or even "We're we going?" or "We're you taking me?" which gets across the same meaning but saves you words.

Ehhhh… now i see. By using “But… what is… ’there?’”— four words — i align with the story, introduce humanistic fear of the unknown and explore doubts and anxieties… Yeah, I could do so much better…

Please take these as suggestions and alternatives rather than criticism.

I will. Thanx…

By choosing at times to use contractions such as shouldn't, can't, we're etc, you can add to your story elsewhere.

I partially agree. Yes, you can gain word here and there, but in some places it actually butters the story. I saw in here many stories that felt mutilated by authors desperately trying to fit int the limit, and while they had something in them, they felt mistreated. Funny to feel sorry for a story. In my opinion if you need to cut like this, the problem is to be solved somewhere else.

The one thing that stopped me from shortlisting (possibly voting) for your story was that I couldn't see where the theme of 'the outsider' fit into your story. Perhaps because she was 'outside' of her body, or perhaps Death is meant to be 'the outsider' but this wasn't really made clear (to me at least).

Well… the guy/gal was neither on “one side” or another. He/She was simply OUTside. Hanging somewhere in between life and death. I am a new guy here so I had no idea how elastic can I be about the theme and how much emphasys i need to put on keyphrases
edit.
posted by accident.

As an alternative, and to fit in with the theme, perhaps the person can't return to their body, and the issue isn't that the pet won't be fed, but that the dead person doesn't want to 'cross over' or enter Heaven until she can do it with their beloved dog. So he/she tells Death that they will wait 'outside' until their pet can join them and they can cross over together?

Well i know what you mean, it would be concise, there would be some deep emotions but bad ones (not to mention animal suffering), and within this short span I couldn’t properly explore their “relationship” and climax on the moment they are together again.
On top of this, it’s a dog, it’s not a human soulmate, so the story would ether feel shallow or i would have to work really hard not to trigger zoophilic vibe. I am not that skilled yet to do this in 75 words.
Thanks for suggestions they really gave me much to think about

 

[Parson]

Just to add a little bit. And these are personal thoughts which might add up to less than nothing.

--- The idea of death coming as a little girl did not work for me.
--- Yup, doesn't sound necessarily like death or someone young to someone who lives where lots of guys wear cowboy hats, as I do.
--- For this negotiation with death to work for me it has to comedy. I read this as serious business which was being trivialized. (Note that I am indeed a Parson and not someone hiding behind an avatar.)

 

[THX1138]

@THX1138 I suggest analyzing using the Promise, Progress, Payoff model. The opening promise and progress steps seem to be about the battle with the Orcs.

The Payoff, however, was about the Ents having an an issue with the Elves.

This left me unsatisfied as a reader since I was looking for details on the battle, but then I got something else which I was not prepared for.

I have seen this pattern repeated in my 100 word entrees also from this month.
After I write the main idea down, I'm going to work on the architecture of the story before I submit it. 75 word stories make you think!
Thanks again and much appreciated!

 

[VRlass]

--- The idea of death coming as a little girl did not work for me.

Ok, i see it clear that my words work against me in this 75.

--- Yup, doesn't sound necessarily like death or someone young to someone who lives where lots of guys wear cowboy hats, as I do.

Ok this is me being on the far left side of Kruger-Duning (again)

For this negotiation with death to work for me it has to comedy. I read this as serious business which was being trivialized.

Its not negotiation, and its not trivialised i think… (did you read the spoiler?)

And these are personal thoughts which might add up to less than nothing

I am here to learn. And I think i am very good at aggregations

Note that I am indeed a Parson and not someone hiding behind an avatar

I googled… a dog…
XD !?

 

[VRlass]

Hey, I understand no vote others did better job, but close to no shortlist? What’s wrong with this one?

Bravely into the new world

All turtles raced eagerly toward the ocean, but not Toby.

Toby wasn’t like them—sure of his destination. For his entire life, all he knew was the egg. Toby had doubts…

On the surface, he noticed another turtle giving him a radiant smile.

“Hey, you! We are playing tag. Wanna join us?”

The warmth of his voice and friendly face gave Toby the push he needed.

With faith, he stepped into this new, blue world.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hey, I understand no vote others did better job, but close to no shortlist? What’s wrong with this one?

Bravely into the new world

All turtles raced eagerly toward the ocean, but not Toby.

Toby wasn’t like them—sure of his destination. For his entire life, all he knew was the egg. Toby had doubts…

On the surface, he noticed another turtle giving him a radiant smile.

“Hey, you! We are playing tag. Wanna join us?”

The warmth of his voice and friendly face gave Toby the push he needed.

With faith, he stepped into this new, blue world.

Hehe, you're in good company

I felt in terms of story there was no conflict to resolve, or central question. It was a pleasant interpretation of a turtle birth. I liked the line "For his entire life, all he knew was the egg" and thought it might be going in a different direction but it turned out to be literal. But I think most importantly, (for me) the problem was the link with the theme; to get 'water' from a story about turtles wasn't strong enough.

As always, no votes or shortlist don't mean anything. Your writing is clean and that's what counts. I tend to think every month "right, sit back and watch em all vote for me"

 

[JS Wiig]

@VRlass I didn’t have any specific issues with the story, it was well written and made sense. As @Phyrebrat stated, lack of response doesn’t necessarily reflect the quality of the piece, but more the fickleness of the audience.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Swank]

Hey, I understand no vote others did better job, but close to no shortlist? What’s wrong with this one?

Bravely into the new world

All turtles raced eagerly toward the ocean, but not Toby.

Toby wasn’t like them—sure of his destination. For his entire life, all he knew was the egg. Toby had doubts…

On the surface, he noticed another turtle giving him a radiant smile.

“Hey, you! We are playing tag. Wanna join us?”

The warmth of his voice and friendly face gave Toby the push he needed.

With faith, he stepped into this new, blue world.

It is pleas

Hey, I understand no vote others did better job, but close to no shortlist? What’s wrong with this one?

Bravely into the new world

All turtles raced eagerly toward the ocean, but not Toby.

Toby wasn’t like them—sure of his destination. For his entire life, all he knew was the egg. Toby had doubts…

On the surface, he noticed another turtle giving him a radiant smile.

“Hey, you! We are playing tag. Wanna join us?”

The warmth of his voice and friendly face gave Toby the push he needed.

With faith, he stepped into this new, blue world.

This is pleasantly written, but what makes it SFF?

 

[VRlass]

Ok… i don’t understand what you mean about the theme so I am just gonna go with “it didn’t make you feel anything”. Ok need to work on this.

This is pleasantly written, but what makes it SFF?

Speculative fiction?
talking, and smiling turtles playing tag… Turtles in nature/reality don’t do it.
Or at least don’t do it where I am from…

 

[Phyrebrat]

Ok… i don’t understand what you mean about the theme so I am just gonna go with “it didn’t make you feel anything”. Ok need to work on this.

If you mean my post, I certainly wasn’t saying I didn’t feel anything. The theme issue came because the importance of water to your story wasn’t the central theme; the turtle was. Hope I’m making sense.

Don’t forget, also, that for many, your story would hit the theme of water; we all have different criteria (which is another reason to not take absence of votes or mentions as indicative of skill/talent)

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

I can't really criticize, after my own failure to score a single vote (like a dismal Eurovision entrant, but with less makeup and better dress sense). However, I have noticed a few keys to success in past months:

• No grammatical or technical errors. You did ok here. I wouldn't start a sentence with "On the surface..." because it sounds like a figure of speech rather than a literal descriptor (which is how you meant it).
• Completeness. A beginning, middle and end is ideal. Sometimes just a middle and an end will get you by. You entry was fine in this respect.
• Stay on topic. I think you were ok with water but missed speculative fiction.
• Include any or all of the following:
  • Oodles of pathos. Your story had a touch, but not enough to be a winner via this particular route.
  • Laughs. You didn't go this route. It is risky (some attempts miss the mark)
  • A sting, surprise or punchline at the end. You didn't really have this. Nice cuddly ending but it lacked impact.
  • A message or a point. You have an upbeat, optimistic office-inspirational-poster feel to the story. But @Parson 's gold vs water message has more of an edge to it. The reader is more likely to ponder it for a few moments later in the day.

Hopefully that helps. Not a disaster and not a winner. Describes 95% of all the entries each month.

 

[VRlass]

The theme issue came because the importance of water to your story wasn’t the central theme; the turtle was.

Using speculative element I am using water as a metaphor for new stage of one’s life.
For me this is a story about growing up. And all the anxieties going along with it.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Using speculative element I am using water as a metaphor for new stage of one’s life.
For me this is a story about growing up. And all the anxieties going along with it.

I’d suggest theme and genre are different, and both have to be achieved. The speculative element in your tale was the fact that turtles could speak, not that water is a metaphor for life.