Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[hopewrites]

So more work on the last line to A) keep it in the same tense (just noticed I switched from past to present) B) bring more social commentary clarity and C) say why the food was worth being enslaved and experimented on for.
right?

 

[JonH]

So more work on the last line to A) keep it in the same tense (just noticed I switched from past to present) B) bring more social commentary clarity and C) say why the food was worth being enslaved and experimented on for.
right?

You aren't going to like this, but I think the tense change was fine, that there was no need to explain why the food was so good, and if you absolutely have to bring social commentary in on it, please let it be subtle.

The reason the tense change works for me is that you are effectively telling the story from the perspective of an enslaved human. So while the invasion and enslavement happened in the past, the food is still fabulous.

At the moment it reads to me like the food is the unexpected silver lining. You aren't saying it's worth getting enslaved for. You don't need to, unless that's what you want the story to say.

I'd have been tempted to make the title more subtle and just go for An Earthling's Heart, which wouldn't be finished off in the reader's mind until after they read the last line.

 

[Parson]

So more work on the last line to A) keep it in the same tense (just noticed I switched from past to present) B) bring more social commentary clarity and C) say why the food was worth being enslaved and experimented on for.
right?

Ah, see, that's what happens when you ask other people's opinions. You get them and often they do not agree with each other. I also did not feel that the tense change was a problem. But I would have liked to see B and C happen. But in the end you have to write the story in your heart and realize that there is no way you are going to make everyone happy with what and how you've written.

 

[The Storyteller]

Thanks for the feedback to all who responded to my story! I'm not sure how I could change the ending without also adding many words to the word count, but it is good to know what went wrong for people at any rate.
Thanks again!

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hi Storyteller! You know though, there was also a lot that went right with your story...I enjoyed it.

These 75 worders are really tough...to get a bit of characterization in, you may have to abandon a story element; to add a little depth to the plot, yet stay within the word limit, you may have to have a sentence or two without the finesse of language you might like to show. Working on these smaller issues is terrific writing practice, and I think you'll be happier and happier with your entries as time goes by.

Once in awhile you read a 75 worder where everything seems just right...the plot is fully realized, there is some nice characterization, language is beautifully used, and there is a killer last line...and it just kind of leaves you in awe. That is what we have to aspire to, you know? But you're doing great, don't worry! CC

Thanks for the feedback to all who responded to my story! I'm not sure how I could change the ending without also adding many words to the word count, but it is good to know what went wrong for people at any rate.
Thanks again!

 

[StilLearning]

Thanks to everyone who responded with feedback, I'm very grateful I did kinda feel it was more of an excerpt of a larger story than a story in its own right!

 

[Mr Orange]

hopewrites, your first unpublished story would have been way too surreal for me to link to the theme or genre. and i missed the social commentary on your published story. i just thought it was a light story with a comedic twist.

so now that i have posted my june entry, i thought it would be time to go back over may and post it up here. there's not much to say about mine - i thought it up at work, the first draft went down on my phone, and then i tweaked it a bit and posted. there's no underlying meaning to this, although i'm not really sure why the moles seem to be australian.

i got two votes for this bit of silliness which i was very pleased with - even more so as they came from the challenge stalwarts starbeast and chrispenycate.

just wondering what everyone else's thoughts are.

The Extinction of the Anaerobic Extrasensory Lunamole



Shirley!

What Bruce?

There! In the sky!

By the orbit, we’re doomed!

Alert the others.Underground, now!

In a cloud of dust the craft touched down on the barren landscape. A door hissed open. Unseen, alien bacteria flowed out. A lumbering figure followed, the chattered warnings just static in its message.

“....one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Within days the colony had the flu’. In two weeks, every mole was dead.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Well, you know I liked it, since it was on my shorter list -- actually, I didn't break it down that far, but it was one of the top three that I dithered among at the end.

There are a few punctuation things I would nitpick, but nothing so egregious as to prevent my voting for it.

What Bruce? --I would prefer a comma in there.

"....one ...--I would rather have only three dots there.

flu'. ...--I thought it was generally (if punctuated at all) 'flu, although there are indeed letters missing at both ends and it could be a UK thing. Or just me.

I also think you could have saved a few words by using only "...one giant leap for mankind", but I don't have any particular feeling for where you could have used more words, and the story was perfectly clear the way it was.

As I said, it was very close in my voting, and there wasn't anything in particular that kept me from voting for it -- just that the other story inched it out. At least, I don't *think* so, although that "What Bruce" thing does insist on niggling at my brain.

I particularly liked "By the orbit, we're doomed!"

 

[Parson]

Mr. Orange,

I thought that your story was very clever and lighthearted. This was an original take on the subject and that's why it was well thought of. I have no criticism of it at all. It didn't make my list because to my taste it felt a little flippant and I have a hard time marrying "invasion" to something flip. --- This is just a matter of taste, and no one can please every taste. I would say... Well done.

 

[Mr Orange]

TDZ thanks for the comments. glad you liked it, and two out of your three punctuation comments are pretty valid - the comma was missed and the extra dot was unintentional. the flu abbreviation i'm not sure on. i had a quick look and it seems like i maybe didn't need an apostrophe at all and flu is now a word in its own right

Parson i'm glad you also liked it, even if it wasn't exactly to your tastes. the idea of bacteria or microbes on the first lunar landing didn't actually start off being flippant but then the moles' personality overtook that. damn flippant moles!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Well, yes, I wouldn't use an apostrophe at either end of flu, myself -- but when it is used, it's generally at the front as far as I know.

You have to watch out for those moles.

Or, well, I guess you don't, anymore. We took care of that.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

It actually is a word in its own right, Orange, really as a nickname rather than a simple abbreviation. It is far more commonly used than the virus's full name.

 

[hopewrites]

Mr Orange, Thankyou for commenting on mine.

I liked yours, it would have taken me a couple of read throughs to realize we were the invaders. (I do have a vision of those singing animatronic gofers from Futurama suck in my head now) Now that I do, I find it cute and clever.

 

[The Storyteller]

I actually haven't checked back on this page since making my comment, and so almost missed your reply! Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I certainly didn't expect to be a pro at this first time round, and I'm still happy with the simple accomplishment of telling a story in so few words, regardless of how 'rough' it may be.


I look forward to continuing in the challenges and watching my entries improve over time! Thanks for the advice, encouragement and compliment, CC. It's always nice to have any of these, and all three together is better yet!

Hi Storyteller! You know though, there was also a lot that went right with your story...I enjoyed it.

These 75 worders are really tough...to get a bit of characterization in, you may have to abandon a story element; to add a little depth to the plot, yet stay within the word limit, you may have to have a sentence or two without the finesse of language you might like to show. Working on these smaller issues is terrific writing practice, and I think you'll be happier and happier with your entries as time goes by.

Once in awhile you read a 75 worder where everything seems just right...the plot is fully realized, there is some nice characterization, language is beautifully used, and there is a killer last line...and it just kind of leaves you in awe. That is what we have to aspire to, you know? But you're doing great, don't worry! CC

 

[MatterSack]

Was my story too staccato, and too clunky at the end? Was it too uninteresting, clichéd and/or off-topic? I rushed it out in about 30 minutes so it was never going to be great (I can see that in retrospect), but I'd like to salvage some criticism regardless.

THE DEAD MAN

Impenetrable, impervious, inescapable; a cell underground that doesn't officially exist.

Three men inside.

Two in suits, nameless.

The third prone upon the ground, motionless.

"Send word," says the first. "Operation a complete success."

"Accomplices?" inquires the second. "Witnesses?"

"Accounted for."

A brief pause. Eventually the second speaks.

"Why the 'sea burial' anyway?..."

The first debuts his sharklike smile. "Dead men have no rights... but boy, can they tell tales..."

The third splutters into his beard.

 

[JonH]

Was my story too staccato, and too clunky at the end? Was it too uninteresting, clichéd and/or off-topic? I rushed it out in about 30 minutes so it was never going to be great (I can see that in retrospect), but I'd like to salvage some criticism regardless.

It was too staccato, but the big problem for me was ambiguity. I could read it two different ways and neither of them stacked up. It's possible you meant it a third way or a fourth. I don't know.

Perhaps I'm just too dumb, but there was no satisfying anything for me, because I couldn't figure what you were saying.

 

[The Judge]

Just in case anyone looks at the date of MatterSack's post and wonders -- it was hidden away in the Mod's special cupboard for a couple of days until voting finished.

While I'm here MS, I don't mind staccato if it's appropriate, and here in a tale of secret police and/or dodgy dealings it seemed fine, so that wasn't an issue. The problems for me were, in ascending order:
(a) I didn't actually understand what the story was about/what was going on -- why "sea burial", what's the point of the line about telling tales?
(b) I wasn't clear where the theme of "deception" came in -- the motionless man pretending to be dead, or the other man pretending to threaten with burial? -- but either way it didn't seem particularly important to the story - ie nothing was changed by the deception
(c) the genre of historical fiction, which to my mind requires a specific and easily identifiable period of history, was nowhere in sight, which for me means a story is automatically excluded from the running.
and (d) on a nit-picky note, using "impervious" in the first line irritated me since it is either a synonym for impenetrable, so was tautologous, or it means unaffected by what goes on, which doesn't apply to a building unless it is itself sentient, and there was no hint of that.

Sorry I couldn't be more enthusiastic about the story, but the Challenges do involve a steep learning curve and you did fine for a first one.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I didn't understand the story, MS.

 

[BigJ]

Osama Bin Laden had a beard and was (allegedly?) buried at sea.

 

[alchemist]

I thought it was about Osama too. I only really got the deception part now, and probably appreciate it more, but its staccato nature did count against it for me, and the "splutter" at the end seemed too light-hearted in tone compared to what went before.

Nevertheless, it was a good story -- votes are very precious commodities and many good stories get none. Hopefully you'll take part in more.