Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I know I seem to be using these a lot lately! So sorry!

I got one mention this month which is better than none, but below my usual few mentions and occasional vote. There were some fabulous stories this month so I'm not too fussed but I'm not sure where it went wrong, or if it just didn't work, so feel free to rip to shreds!

Judgement

'There was a world once.'

He looked wistfully at stars outside the craft.

'Then I destroyed it.'

Her head snaked round, 'Why?'

'Well...I just, couldn't deal with all the death.'

She stared, tongue flicking out.

'Why?'

‘They turned everything against everything. Corrupted.'

Her eyes were unblinkingly fixed upon him.

'I built this ship and burned the world. It’s just dust and spinning rocks now.'

'Why?'

'The universe had to remain…innocent of their cruelty...'
 
For me, it was all dialogue, mostly to tell a story, and lacked a depth of emotion to make me care. I know in 75 words that's hard, but I needed something to pull me in.
 
I don't think there is anything in particular wrong with this story. As a matter of fact, as I read it over and over, I appreciate its subtle touches. Perhaps it's a bit too subtle for some readers. (It's also possible that I'm completely misreading it.) Some readers might have been put off by the lack of names for your character, but I understand that it would be difficult to convey the allegory without tipping off the reader too early.*

Some technical nitpicking:

I'm not sure having the entire story in single line paragraphs was the best way to go. It does create a certain mythic rythym, I suppose, but perhaps some narrative lines could have combined with some lines of dialogue to create slightly longer paragraphs, as a contrast. The first three sentences, for example, could be one paragraph.

There should be a period after "Her head snaked round" instead of a comma. (I also would have said "around" but that's a matter of taste.

I would have minimized or eliminated the use of the ellipsis, at least in the last sentence.

I very much like what you did with "snaked" and "tongue flicking out" and her eyes, but I might have worded "Her eyes were unblinkingly fixed upon him." The latter is somewhat wordy and passive. Maybe just something like "Her unblinking eyes stared at him."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*In case anybody is wondering what I'm talking about, on multiple re-readings I finally caught on to the fact that the characters can be seen as God and the devil (all the snake images, and the relentless "Why?") discussing the destruction of humanity.
 
I shouldn't post - it's okay to vote and applaud without writing but I feel funny about critting - but to crit the crit, I don't see it as god/devil because that wouldn't be SF - I see it more as aliens (and what would god or the devil need with a ship?).

For me, it's a "nowhere nowhen" story that's almost all Brenda Starr dialogue. The keys are "vacuum"/"suspended in mid-air" - without connections, without any description of cruelty, without providing "credentials" for the judge/executioner, it's just hard to get a handle on. (Come to think of it, the last part falls under showing, not telling. There's no "evidence" but only a judge/executioner.

Or, it may be as VS says and it's just too subtle for me.

It's just a word, but I liked the "wistfully" as I thought that established a tone and the microfiction form almost compels a scarcity of plot, characterization, details, etc. and, if you were going for at least god/devil sort of metaphysical vibes as VS suggests, then there's a call for a sort of "in the clouds" setting or feel, so these things would all be good. I'd just need a little more hook, is all.
 
I thought it was another alien too Kylara, not that it matters too much really. There has to be a simplicity to a 75 word story (for me anyway, or maybe me in general, being simple an all!) that clicks more or less on the first read for me or I simply move on the next entry. This one lacked a simplicity, or to be more fair an immediate clarity on first reading and because of that failed to attract my attention. There is nothing wrong with the concept or in general the set up (the hook being on the end etc.). For me I felt you missed an immediate hit between the eyes after reading, the killer impact. This is what I expect from Chrons, a high standard of quality in a tiny 75 words that a dozen or so entries manage every month.

Bear in mind I want the immediate hit and drama and I'm squarely in the too subtle camp (Mrs Bowler would agree 100%, as I blunder about in life missing subtle everywhere I go) for sure. Speaking of drama and big hits, I'm off down the shooting range.
 
Thanks guys. You were spot on VS - I was going for a sort of Alien God/Devil thing but wanted to have a think about what is considered good/evil - the Alien God destroys the planet he made because of the cruelty etc, but that in itself is rather callous and reduces the whole concept of Alien God being good guy and Alien Devil being evil. The Alien Devil was supposed to be a bit confused as to why Alien God destroyed (Alien Devil's area!) everything and was thinking that that made Alien God closer to being Alien Devil but Alien God just couldn't see it. How could either Alien be considered innocent when they both had a part in destructive behaviour. Also the whole 'greater good' thing of killing off small portion to save the whole. I also wanted to have a play (hard with 75 words) with the idea that humanity's God/Devil were Aliens who were sort of overseeing and so who was to say they should be innocent/looked up to/followed blindingly. I was going for a melancholy feel and a sort of "anytime" scenario, so glad you liked the word "wistfully"! One word out of 75 is pretty good odds ;)

So too subtle, too much dialogue, needs hook at the beginning, needs to be obvious and kicky first time through.

I've been playing with style recently and my 300 worder was very stark writing wise compared to my usual and that backfired terribly! Seems this style didn't work either! I'll have to go back to poetically written dragons ;) Hear all the moaning about purpleness, but purpleness has gotten me more votes than anything else! (aside from dragons ;) )

Thanks all for your help :)
 
Kylara said:
So too subtle, too much dialogue, needs hook at the beginning, needs to be obvious and kicky first time through.
Click to expand...

I can't speak for others but I'd say that sounds right except that I wouldn't say it needs to be "obvious" the first time through, but only that it needs more hook the first time through and that it shouldn't be too non-obvious after. If the reader pulls up and says, "Huh, this is interesting and I wonder if there's more" and "hey, there is" then that would be great, I'd think. But probably better obviousness than something many readers will miss completely, sure. Maybe that's what you meant, but it sounds like you might be thinking "make it totally obvious". :)
 
Only just discovered this thread. I would very much appreciate feedback on my attempt at the August 75er if anyone can be bothered. It was my first attempt at anything like this and typically I rushed in with enthusiasm, scribbled it down and entered it without thought.

Cleansing Fire
Struggling in the grip of the machine, knowing there would be no escape. Before me, the ashes of those I loved - they had lost their innocence. Now it was my turn.

The mouth of the furnace yawned before me, the blast of heat a breath of wind over my skin on a summer's day. Embracing it, closing my eyes, absorbing its energy, I realised with joy that I would survive. I still had my innocence...
 
I didn't entirely understand the story. Who it was, or why she was there. Without the history I think it lost the pathos you were aiming for. I think if you'd told us more about who she'd lost and why it mattered, and less of the sensations of how it felt, it might be more effective. And also, she was joyful despite all her loved ones being dead - I didn't understand why (although I'd have been happy with bitter-sweet relief)
 
That's what was missing - connection with the MC.

It's one of the things I find hard because I'm so inside my characters I assume everyone else is too. Instead I should be remembering to show more of what my characters are thinking and feeling.

This is going to take a lot of work - thanks for pointing out what's probably obvious to everyone other than me!
 
Kerrybuchanan said:
Cleansing Fire
Struggling in the grip of the machine, knowing there would be no escape. Before me, the ashes of those I loved - they had lost their innocence. Now it was my turn.

The mouth of the furnace yawned before me, the blast of heat a breath of wind over my skin on a summer's day. Embracing it, closing my eyes, absorbing its energy, I realised with joy that I would survive. I still had my innocence...
Click to expand...


I didn't understand this either when I first read it. But I think you might have intended the story to mean that her loved ones had been consumed because they'd lost their innocence, and the MC had survived because she'd kept hers. My reading was the other way round -- her loved ones had been consumed and thus had lost their innocence, and the MC had (somehow) not been consumed and thus had kept hers. Which didn't make obvious sense, but I think the word order encouraged that (mis?)reading, at least to me.
 
I've learnt to get paranoid about people misreading mine. Sometimes, several days after posting, a thought will jump into my head, "Crap! They might read that word that way!" Cue cold sweats, etc.
 
The month with Sister Smut* taught me a lot about posting in haste. And I was still a relative newby so it was pretty mortifying.

* I meant it to be a little outre and it turned out to be a lot outre which was pointed out by someone with glee** in the discussion thread.

** we're still talking. Just. :D
 
Well, there you go. If anyone asks in future how to improve their entry, I shall say, "More smutty nuns".

I suspect I'm destined to become Father Jack.
 
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