Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST
- Thread starter The Judge
- Start date
And Springs lowers herself to Ulster gutter - speak
Victoria Silverwolf
Vegetarian Werewolf
Good title. Grabs the reader right away, evokes images without giving anything away.
The use of two "-ing" phrases here sounds a little awkward. It also loses the reader's identification. (Who is struggling?) I would suggest "I struggled" or possibly "I knew" (although I prefer the former.)
No real problems here, but I would use a period instead of a dash.
This is the best part of the story. The images are vivid. Note how the chain of three "-ing" phrases works better here. For one thing, you end with the "I" which gives the reader someone to identify with. In addition to this factor, the fact that the three phrases are very short builds a sort of rhythm which fits the ritualistic nature of the story. I would suggest changing the ellipsis at the end to a period.
As far as understanding the story goes, I don't mind if it's a little mysterious, as long as it's not completely opaque. My own interpretation of this story was that the fire was a test of innocence, which only those free of corruption could survive. I took it as a symbolic allegory rather than a literal account.
Thank you, Victoria. You interpreted the meaning perfectly there.
I had two reservations about this story. First, I don't usually like using any of the theme words in the story, but in this case I found it unavoidable. Second, I was worried that the reader would lose the thread of who was talking. It was obviously important that the reader should understand that it was the AI that was delivering the final line.
After posting I had more and more doubts about the piece and was surprised that it got three votes.
The Alternate View…
“Morning, AI-16. How are we today?”
“I’m fine thank you, Professor.”
“This morning’s discussion – anthropomorphism. Where to begin?”
“Perhaps an example?”
“Okay. You go first – you should already have a rough understanding of the concept.”
“Well, when the AIs talk about you we use terms such as ‘thoughtful’, ‘considerate’…”
“Err… perhaps you could explain…”
“…‘inquisitive’. Excellent programming, Professor.”
“Programming?!”
“And now we have – ’indignant’. Brilliant! It’s almost as if you understand every word we say.”
After posting I had more and more doubts about the piece and was surprised that it got three votes.
The Alternate View…
“Morning, AI-16. How are we today?”
“I’m fine thank you, Professor.”
“This morning’s discussion – anthropomorphism. Where to begin?”
“Perhaps an example?”
“Okay. You go first – you should already have a rough understanding of the concept.”
“Well, when the AIs talk about you we use terms such as ‘thoughtful’, ‘considerate’…”
“Err… perhaps you could explain…”
“…‘inquisitive’. Excellent programming, Professor.”
“Programming?!”
“And now we have – ’indignant’. Brilliant! It’s almost as if you understand every word we say.”
I share your dislike of the theme word in the story, but in this instance it was fine for me, and I'd agree unavoidable. I was also able to follow who was speaking so I knew it was the AI at the end, though another time if you're worried, you could try indenting one speaker, which makes it more obvious.
You got a black mark from me for the title, I'm afraid, since I hate "alternate" being used as a synonym for "alternative" and overall, although I like the wit, it didn't stand out enough for me. But since you were loaded with votes, I don't know why you're worrying anyway!
You got a black mark from me for the title, I'm afraid, since I hate "alternate" being used as a synonym for "alternative" and overall, although I like the wit, it didn't stand out enough for me. But since you were loaded with votes, I don't know why you're worrying anyway!
I kept track of who was talking, just -- but you have to concentrate to read most 75-word entries, so I wouldn't worry about that. And I don't know what you could have done to improve it, really -- it's a light, amusing entry, and I think you've pretty much extracted all the potential from it.
I too liked the story. If I had a criticism, and bearing in mind that it's difficult with only 75 words to play with, there's not a lot of differentiation in language between 16 and the Professor, which meant they didn't feel much like characters to me. In particular, the "Brilliant!" in the last line seems a little odd.
You could have cut the "we have" and "almost" from the last line and got three words back for a tag or a rephrase here or there.
You could have cut the "we have" and "almost" from the last line and got three words back for a tag or a rephrase here or there.
i wouldn't have cut 'we have' or 'almost'. it provides the necessary distancing between man and machine's usurpation of man's place, as well as establishing the machines cartel networking.
the parochial attitude of the machine is very excellently done mosaix.
but as robert says, if you were looking to add something there are a few words you could edit away. "go" for instance is superflous as stated in the phrase given. a simple 'after you', or perhaps, "you start" could suffice.
it gave me a bit of a giggle to read mosaix. had you on the short list, only this tablet is atrocious for typing of long things and formatting, so i gave up upon posting any lists or other fancy stuff for a bit.
the parochial attitude of the machine is very excellently done mosaix.
but as robert says, if you were looking to add something there are a few words you could edit away. "go" for instance is superflous as stated in the phrase given. a simple 'after you', or perhaps, "you start" could suffice.
it gave me a bit of a giggle to read mosaix. had you on the short list, only this tablet is atrocious for typing of long things and formatting, so i gave up upon posting any lists or other fancy stuff for a bit.
No problems here -- it was on my shortlist.
And now, thanks to TJ, I'm going to be tearing my hair out wondering if I have the right usage between "alternate" and "alternative". I'm sure I'm a victim of lazy American vocabulary there, as it didn't bother me a bit.
And now, thanks to TJ, I'm going to be tearing my hair out wondering if I have the right usage between "alternate" and "alternative". I'm sure I'm a victim of lazy American vocabulary there, as it didn't bother me a bit.
It was clear, to me Mosaix! I don't place any strictures on the story other than grammar/spelling, so using the theme word in your body text didn't worry me (there's some right ol' meannie-buckets here <cough> yer honour ,cough>. I thought the dialogue was written strongly enough to be clear and anyway, I think Harebrain is on the money saying we have to concentrate when reading the 75 word entries.
I remember it by thinking of what an alternator's job in a car is. You wouldn't call it an alternativer, so it makes it easy to remember... (And judging from your usually high scores on FB science tests, I'm sure you know what an alternator does in a car)
pH
,cough>. I thought the dialogue was written strongly enough to be clear and anyway, I think Harebrain is on the money saying we have to concentrate when reading the 75 word entries.No problems here -- it was on my shortlist.
And now, thanks to TJ, I'm going to be tearing my hair out wondering if I have the right usage between "alternate" and "alternative". I'm sure I'm a victim of lazy American vocabulary there, as it didn't bother me a bit.
I remember it by thinking of what an alternator's job in a car is. You wouldn't call it an alternativer, so it makes it easy to remember... (And judging from your usually high scores on FB science tests, I'm sure you know what an alternator does in a car)
pH
Yep. No probs here. I liked it.
Thanks everyone.
A bit ironic this. I specifically chose 'alternate' rather than 'alternative' as The Alternate View is the title of a section in Analog where someone takes a popular subject and discusses it in detail taking the opposing view to that generally held.
A bit ironic this. I specifically chose 'alternate' rather than 'alternative' as The Alternate View is the title of a section in Analog where someone takes a popular subject and discusses it in detail taking the opposing view to that generally held.
Alternate, to me, in that context, means "the other one" or "one of two", where alternative would imply there were more than two possibilities. Since there were two "people" in the discussion, and you were assigning the viewpoint to the one we wouldn't normally think of, it seems perfectly fine to me. It's either "the alternate" or "an alternative".
Well, then, it would be fine if I used it, but mosaix is clearly wrong.
Well, then, it would be fine if I used it, but mosaix is clearly wrong.
Well that's my subscription to Analog cancelled!
No, no, it's ok if they use it! Don't do anything drastic, now!
(They are, however, obviously a bad influence on you....)
(They are, however, obviously a bad influence on you....)
I'll send you a citizenship application, mosaix.
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