Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

To be contrary here I'll provide and "alternate" view point. I could follow the dialogue, but I had to read very carefully. My problem with it, and obviously I have no room to talk on my best months I might get 1 or 2 votes, is that it seemed to me to be something less than a story. To me it seemed like it was merely a set up for a cute last line. (sorry.)

 

[Mr Orange]

mosaix, i did have to re-read it to make sure i was following the thread correctly in terms of who was speaking - maybe italics or an indent would have helped that. i didn't have a problem with that though. personally my issue was with the word "programming". presuming as i did that the story was about artificial intelligence surpassing human intelligence, i reasoned that if they did, they would know that humans are not programmed and so would have said that. "development" would have seemed better to use here, to me.

 

[Mr Orange]

so my first entry in a while was a bit random and i was very happy to get a vote. having moved back to NZ my better half suggested trying to make the story reflect my new surroundings. so i chose to write the story in the style of a maori myth. i was fully aware that this would pass most people by (even though i believe i got the style right!), and it was difficult to include the maori words that i wanted to without translating all of them. i also included more on the mythical arrival of the maori to new zealand and more on captain cooks arrival in my first draft, but these got culled.

further translations follow:



Ariki o te Puia


Whakarongo, listen. I am Ariki.

My burning blood made this land.

Then people came from Hawai’iki in wooden waka. They hunted ruthlessly on my shoulders, but they were few.

The Pakeha were next, riding billowing clouds and stripping my lands. The white man’s destruction knows no limits.

My whanaunga, my kin, rumble that devastation is everywhere.

Whakarongo! I am Ariki o te Puia, and with my whanaunga I will rise and start this world anew.



Ariki o te Puia: lord of the volcanoes
waka: canoes
Pakeha: Maori word for white people
whakarongo: listen
whanaunga: kin

 

[David Evil Overlord]

No votes, a couple of mentions is all, must be doing something wrong...


A New Position To Apply(ance) For...

"Perhaps you're wondering why I've called you all here."

"I'm wondering why I'm a dishwasher!"

"Because I copied your memory caches to my home appliances' wetware."

"Listen, girlie! I'm your manager, not your microwave!"

"You're whatever I say you are. Keep calling me 'girlie', and you'll find out there's always room at the bottom!"

"Huh?"

"You can always trade places with the CEO. Guess where I put his potty mouth..."

 

[TheDustyZebra]

so my first entry in a while was a bit random and i was very happy to get a vote. having moved back to NZ my better half suggested trying to make the story reflect my new surroundings. so i chose to write the story in the style of a maori myth. i was fully aware that this would pass most people by (even though i believe i got the style right!), and it was difficult to include the maori words that i wanted to without translating all of them. i also included more on the mythical arrival of the maori to new zealand and more on captain cooks arrival in my first draft, but these got culled.

I'm quite pleased that I understood the whole thing without the further translations, though that's more your skill than my reading, I'm sure.

I didn't think of it as NZ, but rather Hawaii, so I guess I wasn't entirely on the right page, but that didn't change anything and it was still worthy of a vote in my opinion. The storytelling reminded me of some stories that used to be in various SF magazines, which I would have sworn were either Greg Bear or Gregory Benford, but upon searching it appears that they were Mike Resnick's Kirinyaga stories. Anyway, it was lovely!

 

[The Judge]

Mr Orange: I also understood it without the footnotes here, though I wouldn't have guessed the title, but I'm one up on TDZ because I got the Pakeha reference as being Maori for white men, so I understood it was NZ.

Adding non-English words, particularly when you've only 75 to play with, is always going to be a little difficult, and I think in the first 4 lines you managed this fine. The fifth line was pushing it, to my mind -- you'd given us enough to show us where this was, so another word requiring translation was getting me antsy. And then the last line blew it for me, I'm afraid, both because you're repeating two words where the volcano has used the English so we could simply have had "Listen!" and "kin" again, and because with my Carry-On-Films mind, which sees innuendo in anything possible, the with my whanaunga I will rise had me sniggering to myself... Sorry... I also think having "lord of the volcanoes" in the last line would have helped generally.

There were nice touches, like the "burning blood" which I really liked, but overall somehow the piece wasn't quite enough of a story for my taste, though I'm not sure what is missing or what else you could have done, so that's of no help. More importantly, when I was preparing my short list I was taking a rather narrow view of anthropomorphism, in that it needed a human there to do the anthropomorphising, which was absent here.

DEO: I enjoyed the humour in yours, but I couldn't actually work out who they were and what had happened with the wetware being swapped, ie whether they were humans meeting up for some unexplained reason, but he thought he was a dishwasher, or he had physically become one, and how she had done it if he was her manager, and so I rather gave up.

 

[Parson]

Mr Orange: I picked up that it was some kind of "island" myth. Never would have guessed N.Z though. But it just didn't catch me to the degree that I would vote for it or short list it.

D.E.O.: First, many of us get no mentions in a month, so even a couple of mentions is not "bad" in my opinion. I laughed about the "potty mouth" and then had this shiver thinking of sitting on someone's mouth. I saw nothing wrong with your story, but in my often weird opinion I just didn't care for it all that much. (I don't mean that as any kind of reflection on your writing!! I see it as a matter of taste.)

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Mr Orange: I also understood it without the footnotes here, though I wouldn't have guessed the title, but I'm one up on TDZ because I got the Pakeha reference as being Maori for white men, so I understood it was NZ.

In retrospect, I really should have realized it wasn't Hawaii, with the "from Hawai'iki" bit.

But I liked how some things were translated and then used again without it, and others were not translated but clear in context -- that's the part that reminded me of the Resnick stories. Though I couldn't quote a line or remember a plot from them by now, to save my life.

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for all the replies.

TJ, i was thinking about what you said and i think i can agree that the last line is a bit forced. how about this for a last line:

Whakarongo! I am Ariki, lord of the volcanoes and I will rise and start this world anew

DEO, I like your story and the style, but it just didn't grab me... and the imagery of the last line was, well, vivid... (in a good way)

 

[The Judge]

Definitely a better last line for my taste, though in nit-picky mode I'd have a comma after "volcanoes". If this as amended had cropped up in another Challenge where in my pernickity mind it was fully in the theme (eg a theme of burning, or revenge, or somesuch) it would most likely have been a real contender for my shortlist, since I liked the use of the Maori, and the brush with the Maori legends. I hope at some point you can get a Maori-inspired story into one of the 300s where you've got more room to play with.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I like the old last line better, but then again, I'm the person who voted for it, so I may be biased.

 

[hopewrites]

@mosaix I followed the dialog no problem, and liked that the AI "anthropomorphized" (or what ever it is when computers do it to humans) him by complementing him on his "programing." Thus the title worked for me so fluidly that I didnt even thing about it, as clearly it was a conversation that had become reversed due to the advanced development of the AI's ability to anthropomorphize itself for fluid interactions with humans. I agree with parson in that it felt more like a scene and less like a story.
@Mr Orange I followed that it was an island myth, loved the rhythmic flow -how it seemed to pulse with power, and so had no trouble understanding that it was a volcano speaking for and of itself. Enjoyed the native language that was worked in, made it feel more like the volcano was speaking rather than an interpretation of its actions imposed by those who observe it. The only reason it didnt make my list was the interpretation I took on what a theme is. (In all honesty MY story wouldnt have made my cut based on the view I took when voting)
@David Evil Overlord I took your scene as the reactions of other managerial staff to the actions of a deranged HR person. I share Parson's shutter and assumption on where the CEO ended up. What I didnt follow was why (though who understands why HR, especially deranged ones, do anything they do) they were there and how the company was going to continue to do whatever it did in the first place.

My offering- with links to previous entries alluded to (I didnt thing they were as old as they turned out to be when I went to look up the links for them), wondering how it worked. (white space removed)

Hope's Last Stand?
Tea Kettle snickers, and I point indignantly.
"It's not alive."
Mother never sees, never hears...
"What about the ketchup indecent?"
"Sleep walking prank."
Toast cackles as she is buttered, they think it's fun to tease me.
"and the quiche?"
"all I know is; the kitchen is just a kitchen, food is food, and if you keep this up we'll have to send you to a home!"
She walks out munching Toast, who is still cackling.

 

[Parson]

Hope,

I read your story and went "Huh?" What's going on anyway. This is one of Hope's living Kitchen stories but where's the story? I don't understand at all. After reading a few times tonight I begin to wonder if you are the "mother" of this story and that you are "She" who walks out. If I'm right about that, it helps. But "no" still no story for me.


Sorry,

 

[hopewrites]

It is another living kitchen, I'm the narrator -Last Stand being a reference to my (fictional) mother's stance that if I don't conform to her view of the kitchen, I'll be locked up. I guess it's unclear (possibly by the paragraph break) that she is the one who has walked out of the kitchen. So a conflict with unpresented resolution (ether I went to the "home" or not).

I'm not at all confident about how to properly paragraph or punctuate dialog. Any help along those lines would be great.

 

[The Judge]

I'm afraid I didn't understand it, hope, though now you've explained it I can see what you're getting at. I also got confused about who was speaking the lines, and had to work backwards.

I can help with the punctuation and other things, though!

Tea Kettle snickers, and I point indignantly. [as an aside, in British English no need for the "Tea" in connection with a kitchen, since a kettle boils hot water which can then be used for anything, including making tea. Not sure what is different in US English between a tea kettle and anything else which boils water]
"It's not alive." [I assumed this was "I" speaking, ie asserting the kettle isn't live, but now I've read your explanation I think it must be Mother. This needs to be clearer, I think]
Mother never sees, never hears...
"What about the ketchup indecent?" [I don't know who is saying this -- and as a result none of the rest of the dialogue can be attributed as I go through. So to me you need something like "I said/continued" or "she continued/retorted" as appropriate The punctuation is fine but the last word should be incident]
"Sleep walking prank." [Sleepwalking as one word --which would have helped allow for the dialogue attributions needed]
Toast cackles as she is buttered, they think it's fun to tease me. [this is a comma splice -- where the comma acts to link two clauses but isn't enough to do the job. I'd suggest a semi-colon or a full stop (period)]
"and the quiche?" [capital "A" for the "And"]
"all I know is; the kitchen is just a kitchen, food is food, and if you keep this up we'll have to send you to a home!" [This line I understood as coming from Mother, so I then had to go back and work out the others from it. You don't want to have to rely on it, though. As for punctuation another capital "A" for "All", a colon instead of a semi-colon, and unless she is joking, delete the exclamation mark (point) as it makes it sound as if she is not serious. And again this may be a British/US English thing, but I wouldn't use "home" here, as to me that's for old or ill people (ie nursing or convalescent home) but rather "institution" or "hospital" or if Mother is being offensive "nut house" or "loony bin". The latter help to give an element of characterisation about her, too -- not just that she's insensitive, but also deliberately unpleasant/aggressive]
She walks out munching Toast, who is still cackling.[good last line now I understand what is going on. I understood it was Mother as you've used "She" so that's about the only line you don't need to worry about!]

Hope that helps a little!

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers TJ, i'll definitely be trying to get something in another challenge - although maybe not this 300 challenge...

and thanks again for the vote TDZ, you vote made my day when i got it

and thanks hopewrites, glad you liked it. guess i need to figure out just what theme means. for your story i liked the playfulness of it but just didn't get it

 

[Mr Orange]

thought i would resurrect this thread as it's been a long time (since October!)

my story is below, explanation afterwards. very happy to get a vote and a few mentions, but i have a feeling it was too complicated and perhaps got culled a bit too much to get to 75 words.

Excerpt from The Unexplained Evacuation of the SEU Heavenly Maria, by G. Hatfield-Krysa

Transcript of uncorrupted portion of Captain's e-log:

...they’re back, outside. All 865 colonists still in locked stasis...

...don't think I can fight them off this time...

...computers going haywire...

...contacting me...

Burnt scraps of paper found on Captain's console*:

They want the colonists...

...let them have the stasis pods they will let me live...

...going to...

...fight them...

...can't...

...let them have the pods...

...God forgive me.

Capt. J Krysa

*order assumed as shown

so i used the same scene as last month (the SEU Heavenly Maria, which incidentally is a bastardisation of the name "Marie Celeste"), and decided early on i wanted the deception to be deception of the reader.

on the face of it, the excerpts show a noble captain trying to defend his ship and passengers. but if you delve deeper (notice the names of the "author" and captain) and see what happens if you switch the "assumed" order of two of the scraps of paper around ("going to" and "can't"), you get a very different picture...

any thoughts on the story are more than welcome

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I don't totally get the significance of the names, but I did get the switch, and it was very clever -- that's why it was on my shortlist.

 

[Mr Orange]

Cheers TDZ. The names were meant to indicate a relationship between the author and captain and so give motive for the deception

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Ahh, yes, that makes sense. Looking at it here, I could see that there was a relationship of some sort, but I didn't notice it before. I guess it wasn't necessary, since I figured the rest out.