Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Dan Jones]

Hi Chris, seeing as you garnered a vote from me this month (although hey, why did Starbeast get a thank you and not me?! Grrr....) it's fairly clear that I enjoyed this one. The clever "terrortry" wordplay was clearly no typo IMO. The theme of the cat as the outsider is twofold: literally the cat is outside the house, where he belongs. But figuratively he is the lone, loyal, battle-worn sentry considered to be little more than an unrefined brute by his "employers" - the conceit is both amusing and slightly poignant.

The problem - or, should I say, challenge, I find with using verse in the Challenges is that you're constrained by word count, whereas in true verse you're constrained by rhythm and structure. I'm not sure the two are always compatible.

For me, the test of verse is how well it stands up to being read aloud. There was enough in this poem to enjoy that it earned a vote, but it's not perfect.

For example, the line "relentless barrier enforcer" is two syllables too long - more specifically, the word "barrier" is two syllables too long. In the first line the corresponding line "My terrortry the garden" is complete, and in the second stanza it stumbles and trips over the same attempted rhythm.

Contrarily, the line, "I'm still here, he is long away" sounds one syllable too many. Why didn't you contract "he is" to "he's" (especially seeing as earlier in the line you use the contraction "I'm")??

The use of 'foodbowl' rather than two words is covered by leaving a word or two spare - otherwise, for the rhythm it would have been:- 'I am still here, while he is long away'.

I actually think you made the correct decision with the posted version, though as said above, I probably would have used two contractions rather than one.

And it's later in the poem where the problems with word count versus true structure. In the first stanza, the last couplet carries an iambic pentameter pulse. The second stanza uses iambic tetrameter for the closing couplet, and it ever so slightly jars, as though you didn't quite have enough words to create a true pentameter...

The youngsters play, lawn-leap with growls and snarlings

This is a wonderful line of verse, textbook rhythms, a beautifully captured image undercut by the aggressive sounds at the end.

The foodbowl impacts doorstep, where is

Whereas this line loses that fifth beat and feels as though it's left hanging, slightly. Ditto the final line.

The "where is / fairies" half-rhyme is a bit cheeky, if I'm being harsh, considering the rest of the verse is in full-rhyme, but the lovely image in the last line is enough that you get away with it.

I'm being hyper critical here seeing as you put it up for comment and, as you know old chap, pointing this stuff out on the discussion boards just isn't cricket. But I do admire you for sticking with verse when you've an added constraint to deal with. I tried poetry just the once for the Challenges (the Historical Fiction challenge last year). I was quite pleased with the results, but it got zero votes, and I really wouldn't want to do it every month, so hats off to you.

And please don't feel downhearted by the critique - remember, you did get a vote from yours truly!

 

[Bowler1]

My terrortry the garden.

I didn't even notice the "new" word, but I did notice an inconsistent full stop, or what I thought was an inconsistent full stop. The lines before and after have no full stops, while the one above does. A minor point, but the full stop stood out for me (one other behind ear).

I liked it, but I felt the theme for the month was not clear - outsiders. All cats are outsiders (I hate cats, but they love me for some reason), but this cat didn't feel like an outsider. In fact, I'd say the cat rather enjoyed their status and place in the world, which doesn't fit with the outsider theme for me. I felt you needed to bring the post more clearly into the months theme and because it wasn't clearly focused on the theme, I didn't even give you a mention. I loved the broken fairy finish and if you'd hooked into the theme, you could have made my list (I make a first read through list and then go back and re-read before making my short lists and voting lists(s) (if we get to keep three votes going forward, which I would like - can the Mighty Chrispy fix this for me???). Nothing wrong with the post in general and it made me smile on first reading, so your right to wonder why it didn't get more attention.

 

[The Judge]

I'm usually hyper-critical when it comes to theme and genre, but I thought this complied -- there was no requirement that the outsiders be forced to be outside or unhappy at the situation, and the fairies themselves were outsiders in a way, so that was enough for me. I did notice the "terrortry" and understood it was deliberate (though I didn't go so far as to consider it a translation of a specific cat-word for her domain), and the pun earned the piece an extra tick when I came to shortlisting. But I had the same reaction to the rhythm anomalies as DGJ had, but unlike him I wasn't nearly so forgiving, so the piece dropped marks as a result. I also noticed the errant full stop after "ear" and the missing ones (or other punctuation) after "darlings", "saucer" and "enforcer" which didn't help.

I did think about about shortlisting it but there were too many other issues which stopped me. The "Compete" in the first line to my ears is wrong, either because it should be "I compete" or it should be "Competing" to marry up with the "Eschewing" in the second line; the "nor" in that second line makes no sense to me, and surely should be "and" because she's eschewing both; and the lack of punctuation in those first four lines made it difficult to parse on a first read. Then in the second verse, to my mind as written the "Relentless barrier enforcer" is the stray who's long away, so makes for clumsy reading, and to my mind the "impacts" is wrong for a food bowl simply sitting on a doorstep, even if it is fought over by her and the urchins.

Having done my share of poetical offerings in the first couple of years I know how difficult it is to get within the 75 words while still holding onto rhyme and rhythm, but this failed too often for me to shortlist it, but it would probably have made a long list if I'd done one.

 

[Zoe Mackay]

I, too, think that it's very difficult to cope with a word limit and with the demands of poetry. My main issues were with the structure (discussed at length below) and just not feeling there was quite enough in the last line to make the whole thing have impact.

Compete with hedgehogs for my food (iambic tetrameter)
Eschewing blame, nor pardon (iambic again, with a missing last syllable, or Iamb-Iamb-amphribrach. I think this works OK.)
The pampered indoors see me 'crude' (iambic tetrameter)
My terrortry the garden. (Iamb, iamb, amphibrach)
The youngsters play, lawn-leap with growls and snarlings (…what is this? It’s got 11 syllables – four iambs and an amphibrach?)
But dusk sees their retreat within, my little darlings (I have no idea. 13 syllables?)

Torn ear. from combat with a stray (fine, as per v1)
Who tried to share my saucer (fine, as per v1)
I'm still here, he is long away (I think you want this to be iambic tetrameter again, and it would work but for the caesura, which kills this dead.)
Relentless barrier enforcer (amphibrach, dactyl, amphibrach, unfortunately)
The foodbowl impacts doorstep, where is (Only nine)
My daily offering of broken fairies. (11)


When you open the verses with such a clear rhythm, for me, you have to either make the break into dissonance clearly deliberate and meaningful, or not do it. You can always get away with a few nicks, but I felt the structure just collapses here. I’d be really interested in knowing what you were trying to do with the metre of this.

Also, I think the third line of the second stanza simply doesn't work at all as verse.

 

[J5V]

... (iambic tetrameter) ... (Iamb-Iamb-amphribrach) ... (Iamb, iamb, amphibrach) ... caesura ... dactyl...

I could do with studying the formal structures, because I just measure how my verse sounds according to how I'd want it to be read, moulding it to dynamically suit the change of mood (bouncy happiness, smooth flow, tension, impact and disaster, and so on). This breaks the conventional rigidity. I'm conflicted about whether it's clever, or abusing the art-form to the disgust of purist practitioners. I'll be able to discuss more in a couple of weeks.

 

[Shyrka]

I can't really comment on the structure of the rhymes - I'll leave it to those who can better communicate such things - but one thing that struck me at the first time of reading was the fairies come out of nowhere at the end. Up until that point my brain was falling into this world of a cats and gardens which took a moment to grasp and, I think, was strong enough to stand on its own. The sudden mention of a magical/fantasy element left me wondering whether I'd misunderstood the whole premise. For a while, I wondered whether 'fairies' was a euphemism or reference to something I didn't understand.

 

[chrispenycate]

Thanks to everyone who gave their comments - I'm just sorry I took so long to answer them. I've been somewhat under the weather these two weeks.
I'm happy that everybody recognised him as a cat even if I never specifically said so

@DG Jones
The reason I did not thank you for your vote in #211 was not from any lack of gratitude, but that I had already thanked you in #148.

I maintain that the challenge is individual, that the voting, while fun, is not critical to the exercise. I'm no poet - I know, because my sister is. Seeing that I'm in not, writing in verse might seem a bit foolish, but who has ever accused me of excess seriousness? Apart, that is, for a couple that have felt my verse too rigid.

Contrarily, the line, "I'm still here, he is long away" sounds one syllable too many. Why didn't you contract "he is" to "he's" (especially seeing as earlier in the line you use the contraction "I'm")?

Because I'm working with iambs, with alternating unstressed and stressed syllables. A fairly ordinary structure in English. So if I remove the 'is', the accented syllables have to be:- I'm still here, he's long away, short of a leading unstressed, and making the 'I' rather than the 'still' important.

Yeah, the 'barrier' isn't quite the word. 'Frontier' or 'border' might be better. But 'relentless' is good, and 'enforcer (for the rhyme. Perhaps "From rigorous enforcer", losing the geographical referent? Or even 'Relentless, the enforcer'? Add 'kitchen' before the 'doorstep' (I might have been able to get by on that within the word count, anyway)

@Robert Mackay
Yeah, word drought - but also that someone - I can't remember who - considered my constructions too rigid, too formal. So, not being ready to move onto blank verse at my time of life, I tried to kill two cats with one bird, and accordionsed the rhythm somewhat. Inadvisably, it seems.

@ Bowler 1
Yes, he has chosen his rôle. He is the outsider, allowed to come indoors but preferring not to. In what way is that contradicted by the theme? There have in the past been many, even high-scoring stories, which have used different interpretations of the key words. Oh and mea culpa for the punctuation.

@ Shyrka
The fairies at the bottom of his garden, against which he is protecting both his family and his humans, are a random collection of small mammals, birds (especially baby birds) and some big centipedes and butterflies, maybe a big bumbling beetle. He has to demonstrate the dangers from which he is protecting them, so lines them up next to his dish, which is separated from everybody else's in the kitchen.

I asked for commentary on this one because I liked it; not only for the character himself, but the fact that, more than usual, it has a genuine story, not just a descriptive.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I think everyone has covered everything I might have said, thus saving me from having to articulate it.

I liked "terrortry", which was one of my favorite bits. And, though I share TJ's thought on "nor", I liked "eschewing blame nor pardon" for some reason -- it reminded me of something, but I don't know what. I want to say maybe some of Stile's poetry in Piers Anthony's Apprentice Adept series. Something he wrote for the games. Alas, memory.

 

[Bowler1]

In what way is that contradicted by the theme?

The Mighty Chrispy talked to me - YAY!!!

It doesn't contradict the theme, but with 75 words I always think that the story pitch has to be simple and super clear. The idea was a nice simple one, but using verse to present the idea complicated matters, or so I think. I always think your brave to do the 75 words in verse, as it adds a whole other level of complexity into a competition that is hard to succeed in (three votes - NOW!). It doesn't mean you should stop using verse and if you get verse to work, I think you'll romp home to victory. Only be aware that you presenting your 75 words idea within constraints that the rest of us don't have, but that could make victory taste all the sweeter.

Bowler1 leaves doing the MIGHTY CHRISPY dance, as I love danger.

 

[hopewrites]

When I posted this I was a little worried I'd rushed it, but wanted to get it up before someone else did it better (haha horrible reasoning, I know.)

Got a few votes, and number of mentions, so I must have done more rightwith it than I gave myself credit for. looking to know what I did right, and what I could have done better if I hadn't given into anxiety and impatience. Thanks in advance!

Meanwhile on Tomorrow Isle

"We got another one."
"Husband or teenager?" She grabs an acclamation kit.
"Kid."
"Damnit, we're running out of rooms for them to clean... Tell me it's not a 'clean my room'..."
Soft laugh, "'brush my teeth' haven't had one of those in a while. The 'clean the bathroom's will be grumpy..."
"If people knew procrastination stopped them here on the way to heaven..."
"Would it have motivated you?"
Grimace, "probably not."

 

[The Judge]

A half-way house where one has to do all the jobs one should've done during one's life if one weren't procrastinating is purgatory indeed as far as I'm concerned, and I thought the story idea a fun one. Being a nit-picker that I am, though, the punctuation etc pulled me up. My comments and suggested amendments:

~~~

"We've [this might be a US/UK thing, and in a longer piece where it's obviously his voice it might have worked even for me, but here, and as the first word, the apparent mistake caught me] got another one."

"Husband or teenager?" She grabs [personally I'd have used past tense in this story, since it doesn't require present tense, and there are no other verbs in the narrative, though it's not a deal-breaker] an acclamation [I'm not sure if you're using this as a synonym for "welcome" in which case it's slightly off, since "acclamation" really means an enthusiastic welcome with eg lots of applause which wouldn't usually apply to a kit; or whether it's a mistake for "acclimation/acclimatisation" ie getting used to a new climate/environment] kit.

"Kid."

"Damnit, [while "damn" with the "n" is right, when it's one word it's spelled "dammit" with a "m"] we're running out of rooms for them to clean... [I'd personally have inverted these two sentences, since as written she's complaining then asking, whereas the natural way would surely be "Tell me it's not a CMR; we're running out of rooms for them to clean." Perhaps even better, have her complain and him say "Don't worry, it's not a CMR, it's a BMT."] Tell me it's not a 'clean my room'..." [I'd suggest capitalising at least the first word and hyphenating them to make them appear more comical (they would still count as three words not one, though!), but shouldn't it be 'Clean-your-room'?]

Soft laugh:, [comma not strong enough to my mind, and for me the lack of an "A" beforehand grated a little] "'brush my teeth' . [as before, I'd suggest 'Brush-your-teeth' -- and the capital is very necessary this time for the first word of the sentence; and full stop (period) needed to end the sentence, as the run on feels wrong here] Haven't had one of those in a while. The 'clean the bathroom's will be grumpy..." [I couldn't understand why they should be grumpy, but anyway, to me that last sentence adds nothing to the story, and could usefully have been dropped, allowing you more words elsewhere]

"If people knew procrastination stopped them here on the way to heaven..."

"Would it have motivated you?"

Grimace:, [again, the comma not strong enough to my mind, and the repeated reaction shot all on its own was, for me, too much] "Probably not."

~~~

I'd have liked a slightly stronger ending, but off the top of my head I can't think of one which is better than this. Overall, a neat idea with great comic potential, and you did right in starting with the action and having the explanation come towards the end, but it's the nit-picker in me which marked it down.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm afraid I was confused, Hope, and couldn't quite work out what was going on in it. Maybe it's the need for more coffee...

 

[Shyrka]

I enjoyed the concept behind this one, I must admit, but I think the execution fell afoul of the word limit somewhat. I found the little 'Soft laugh' & 'Grimace' fragments distracting. Fleshed out, they would have felt better but given the word limit, I probably would have omitted them completely. All that said, I found it entertaining. Had I managed to finish writing up my short list, it would have been on it.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

What TJ said. A fascinating concept, and although I knew what was going on, it just needed some tightening to make it pop.

TJ, the clean-the-bathrooms are grumpy because brush-your-teeth is going to mess up their good work. You must have neat teeth-brushers in your house.

 

[The Judge]

TJ, the clean-the-bathrooms are grumpy because brush-your-teeth is going to mess up their good work. You must have neat teeth-brushers in your house.

Ah! Since becoming responsible for bathroom cleaning duties myself I've seldom had to share a bathroom overnight with children or teenagers, so I never gave a thought as to the possibility of untidy teeth-brushers causing mess. Now, if it had been the put-down-the-toilet-seats...

 

[hopewrites]

I worried all month that spell check had foisted the wrong word on me for that acclimation kit... Yes I absolutely ment "get used to it here" not "Hooray!! So glad you've come!!"

The punctuation information is good. I'll work on remembering it.

When I imagined it, those landing on Tomorrow Isle fall from the sky like shooting stars onto a sort of landing lawn. There's a little chalet near the lawn that houses the welcoming committee who explain to new comers that everything they put off while alive, must now be accomplished before final judgment is cast and they can move on with their afterlife.

I figured it would be easier to keep my word count down if I told the story through the dialogue between the two on duty welcoming committee members than try and get in the brightness of the sky, soft green of the grass, and disorienting thud of a person arriving.

I assume I used present tense as an unconscious emphasis that the things of that place can't be past or future, only the Now exists in which to do things. A futureless place where the past doesn't matter. I can't think of any other reason for it anyway. It's just how it came out.

Honestly it was harder to come up with the reasons for being there than I thought it would be. Mow-the-Lawn and Do-the Dishes came to mind... (I do like that better than the method I used. Thank you @The Judge ) I've yet to meet a kid who enjoyed brushing their teeth or cleaning their room... Oh! and I used personal tense (is that a thing?) on the titles because it's what the person themselves put off, not just stuff they were told to do. I can see how it might get confusing if people read that the newly arrived person had to brush the welcoming committees teeth, or cleaning her room... Sorry didn't think about that.

Thanks again for the help! Hopefully I won't put off putting it to good use

 

[The Judge]

I figured it would be easier to keep my word count down if I told the story through the dialogue between the two on duty welcoming committee members than try and get in the brightness of the sky, soft green of the grass, and disorienting thud of a person arriving.

Absolutely the right choice.

I used personal tense (is that a thing?) on the titles because it's what the person themselves put off, not just stuff they were told to do. I can see how it might get confusing if people read that the newly arrived person had to brush the welcoming committees teeth, or cleaning her room... Sorry didn't think about that.

Ah no, I never thought it was "my" as in the greeter's room, so that wasn't a problem, it's just in this case I saw it as a failure to do what they had been told, rather than a failure to do something they had thought of doing for themselves, if that makes sense -- because you specifically refer to husbands and teenagers ie the ones who would be nagged, not self-procrastinators who know what they should be doing and still don't do it. (And it would be neat if the purgatorist heard it as a kind of background reverberating hum of all the requests/orders given to him/her which had never been carried out, which would start loud and get quieter as the duties were carried out until silence meant the time in purgatory was up!)

 

[hopewrites]

That would also be a cool idea!! More how I imagine procrastinators hell, than a stop over to catch up on unfinished business... but still really cool!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

(And it would be neat if the purgatorist heard it as a kind of background reverberating hum of all the requests/orders given to him/her which had never been carried out, which would start loud and get quieter as the duties were carried out until silence meant the time in purgatory was up!)

And do THAT in 75 words.

 

[Parson]

Hope,

I liked the story a lot. You were easily into my short list of stories. The idea was very, very, clever. I did think of the place as purgatory and I thought that if the Catholics had a purgatory like this in mind it might be a doctrine I'd be tempted to embrace.

Not being a grammarian, I didn't have the troubles Her Honor had. If I would like to have seen the story a bit more fleshed out (realizing I'm asking for the impossible here in 75 words). But to me there were just a few too many places where I had to figure out what was happening. And I wasn't happy with the conclusion. I'm not much in favor of passing my failings off as "inevitable." I like to think that although I can't be who I want to be, I can certainly be better than I am.