@The Big Peat .... For me your story suffered from vagueness. It wasn't until I read Her Honor's critic that I caught the "Present" as an order to the soldiers. I suffered under the preconception that what was going on was an abbreviated roll call. Second, I thought that we were seeing the story from multiple points of view. In re-reading the story for what must be the sixth time or more, I'd guess that what sent me down that animal trail was "the beads of sweat" on the officer's face. On contemplation I think that detail would have been better left out giving a few more words to develop the phoenix ending or the idea of the "why" martyrdom was necessary in greater detail. From my own point of view, likely not shared by others, I was put off by the "One last magic," I put shapeshifting in the realm of S.F. and look for a scientific reason explaining it, rather than a magical ability.
Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST
- Thread starter The Judge
- Start date
Luiglin
Getting worse one day at a time
Hi all,
What failed with this one? Too rude? Not enough story? Poor writing? Not enough of a nod to theme/genre?
The theme initially stumped me until the idea of someone presenting a present. After that it was all downhill from there.
I feel like I'm starting to wildly miss the point on the 75s. Going more backwards than forwards. Hence giving them a miss for the near future. Although as Sean Connery lived up to... Never Say Never.
Cheers
Festive Cracker
A trumpet fanfare heralded Tinder, Advisor to the Royal Bedchamber.
"Your Majesty," he announced. "I've swept east and west to find a suitable festive adornment for the Royal Bedchamber. May I present, Dirk," Tinder said, bowing aside to reveal the perfect bronzed form of a man, eyes vacant of intelligence and wearing a large red ribbon that failed to cover his modesty.
"Oh goody," squealed the Queen, dribbling in anticipation. "Can I pull him now?"
What failed with this one? Too rude? Not enough story? Poor writing? Not enough of a nod to theme/genre?
The theme initially stumped me until the idea of someone presenting a present. After that it was all downhill from there.
I feel like I'm starting to wildly miss the point on the 75s. Going more backwards than forwards. Hence giving them a miss for the near future. Although as Sean Connery lived up to... Never Say Never.
Cheers
Festive Cracker
A trumpet fanfare heralded Tinder, Advisor to the Royal Bedchamber.
"Your Majesty," he announced. "I've swept east and west to find a suitable festive adornment for the Royal Bedchamber. May I present, Dirk," Tinder said, bowing aside to reveal the perfect bronzed form of a man, eyes vacant of intelligence and wearing a large red ribbon that failed to cover his modesty.
"Oh goody," squealed the Queen, dribbling in anticipation. "Can I pull him now?"
To be honest I really liked this. Clever, witty, entertaining and a tad naughty
You got the theme with no problem, Luilgin, but for me there wasn't any sign of the SFF/speculative fiction genre in the story. I did wonder if Dirk was meant to be some kind of robot or even a wind-up toy, and if there had been some greater hint of that then I might have given the piece the benefit of the doubt, but as it was it failed for me at that first hurdle.
As far as the joke was concerned, to my mind the double entendre of the last line lost its doubleness by your putting the "cracker" in the title, not in the body of the story, which meant as a punchline for me it rather lost its impact and some of the humour -- the timing felt just that fraction off. Also, by making the Queen obviously lascivious, it stopped the story being like the lines which are naughty but played with a straight face in the Carry On films, into something like a lubricious Sid James-ish leer, which always gave me the creeps. So while it's an undeniably humorous line, for me the way it was delivered made it that bit too broad to be comfortable with.
Writing-wise only a few minor things struck me (and I really don't know why you would even think your story-telling and writing skills are in question!). First, there shouldn't be a comma in "present Dirk" as there's no pause there, and it's not the equivalent of eg "your present, Dirk" where a comma is needed. Second, you've got "he announced" at the beginning where Tinder is presenting Dirk so the "Tinder said" at the end is otiose. I imagine you put that in since you wanted "bowing aside" but for me that continuous past doesn't quite work, not least because it makes the whole sentence rather unwieldy in length.
As for your staying with the Challenges, please do continue entering. Personally I like your serious stuff more than the humorous pieces, but that's no different from my reaction to the funny stories other members put up, and humour is so terribly subjective you're never going to please everyone anyway. But even if I didn't shortlist them, the Dark Lord pieces invariably made me smile when I came to read them, and it's no small gift to be able to lighten people's hearts in that way. So Carry On Carrying On!
As far as the joke was concerned, to my mind the double entendre of the last line lost its doubleness by your putting the "cracker" in the title, not in the body of the story, which meant as a punchline for me it rather lost its impact and some of the humour -- the timing felt just that fraction off. Also, by making the Queen obviously lascivious, it stopped the story being like the lines which are naughty but played with a straight face in the Carry On films, into something like a lubricious Sid James-ish leer, which always gave me the creeps. So while it's an undeniably humorous line, for me the way it was delivered made it that bit too broad to be comfortable with.
Writing-wise only a few minor things struck me (and I really don't know why you would even think your story-telling and writing skills are in question!). First, there shouldn't be a comma in "present Dirk" as there's no pause there, and it's not the equivalent of eg "your present, Dirk" where a comma is needed. Second, you've got "he announced" at the beginning where Tinder is presenting Dirk so the "Tinder said" at the end is otiose. I imagine you put that in since you wanted "bowing aside" but for me that continuous past doesn't quite work, not least because it makes the whole sentence rather unwieldy in length.
As for your staying with the Challenges, please do continue entering. Personally I like your serious stuff more than the humorous pieces, but that's no different from my reaction to the funny stories other members put up, and humour is so terribly subjective you're never going to please everyone anyway. But even if I didn't shortlist them, the Dark Lord pieces invariably made me smile when I came to read them, and it's no small gift to be able to lighten people's hearts in that way. So Carry On Carrying On!
Luiglin, I would like to second what TJ has said.
The Big Peat
Darth Buddha
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2016
- Messages
- 3,760
@Luiglin - I am in no position to tell people to keep doing this contest without dipping into massive hypocrisy, but I enjoy hypocrisy so I'll tell you to stay with it. I know it can be frustrating when it feels like your tastes aren't marrying up with other people's but as long as you enjoy it, its good practice and you never know what may happen.
As for your story - I thought it missed the brief when it came to Fantasy/SFF.
Beyond that, there's a lot of jokes at Tinder and its users' expense. To move the needle for me with that would have been really hard.
@The Judge and @Parson - Thank you both. Roughly as I expected - I had a feeling I was trying to cram in too much and that things weren't as clear as I'd have liked.
That final version was actually written in First Person to begin with, but I let Harebrain talk me out of it. In retrospect changing it to Third lost even more clarity than I'd anticipated.
The "adorn" usage was something I did wonder at myself - I wanted to give the narrative character a sort of hyper-aware, almost grotesque appreciation of life and beauty in his moments (as a human at least). So I went for something decorative. Swing and a miss maybe.
And Parson, it never occurred to me to see it as SF, but then I pretty much always read Fantasy and SF, so I guess that's how that one would pay off
As for your story - I thought it missed the brief when it came to Fantasy/SFF.
Beyond that, there's a lot of jokes at Tinder and its users' expense. To move the needle for me with that would have been really hard.
@The Judge and @Parson - Thank you both. Roughly as I expected - I had a feeling I was trying to cram in too much and that things weren't as clear as I'd have liked.
That final version was actually written in First Person to begin with, but I let Harebrain talk me out of it. In retrospect changing it to Third lost even more clarity than I'd anticipated.
The "adorn" usage was something I did wonder at myself - I wanted to give the narrative character a sort of hyper-aware, almost grotesque appreciation of life and beauty in his moments (as a human at least). So I went for something decorative. Swing and a miss maybe.
And Parson, it never occurred to me to see it as SF, but then I pretty much always read Fantasy and SF, so I guess that's how that one would pay off
@Luiglin .... As to giving the challenges a miss, I would highly recommend against it. It has been my observation that winning is only partially related to the skill of the author, and is only partially related to the author's ability to deal with the genre and theme. In one case some years back I was completely flummoxed by the winning entry. I could not see how it had met the qualifications of genre and theme and seemed more like a very clever throw away when there wasn't a story present. In a personal pm with said author it was admitted that the winning story was indeed a throw away for not knowing how to respond but didn't feel right admitting it and exposing all those who voted for the story. Moral? You can't judge the quality of a story by the number of mentions and votes it receives. --- Now if I could only live by those words I know to be true. (But as a Parson I am always falling short of the ideals that I want to set before others.)
As to your story, I just didn't get it. I probably started with the title. For me a "Cracker" is a bigoted white red neck. (Her Honor seems to indicate that in the UK there is some other meaning.) Also I wasn't sure how it was a story. It seemed more like a joke, although the description of the "present" made the statue (it was a statue? right?) made it sound like a tweak at sexist males and their ideal female. I also didn't see your story as speculative fiction in any sense. It would have fit well in a satire on medieval courtly behavior.
On the whole I like your stuff, and look forward to seeing more.
As to your story, I just didn't get it. I probably started with the title. For me a "Cracker" is a bigoted white red neck. (Her Honor seems to indicate that in the UK there is some other meaning.) Also I wasn't sure how it was a story. It seemed more like a joke, although the description of the "present" made the statue (it was a statue? right?) made it sound like a tweak at sexist males and their ideal female. I also didn't see your story as speculative fiction in any sense. It would have fit well in a satire on medieval courtly behavior.
On the whole I like your stuff, and look forward to seeing more.
Gosh, the things we learn here on Chrons!
I'd not heard of "cracker" as a term of disparagement for someone, Parson. In British English it has at least two meanings. The main one is a Christmas cracker which is a traditional amusement at the dinner table on Christmas Day -- basically a tube of cardboard wrapped in fancy paper with twists at each end that two people pull on, and which makes a small popping explosive sound when it's pulled open and which then disgorges a paper crown, a small toy or trinket and an execrable joke. Christmas cracker - Wikipedia The other meaning is someone who is admirable or, more usually, very beautiful eg "She's a right cracker". So the pun here is that Dirk is a cracker in the sense of a good-looking man, but also he's a type of festive amusement which will give some pleasure when he is *ahem* pulled, which is (in case that's also not translating into US English) a euphemism, and hence a blue/rude joke.
I'd not heard of "cracker" as a term of disparagement for someone, Parson. In British English it has at least two meanings. The main one is a Christmas cracker which is a traditional amusement at the dinner table on Christmas Day -- basically a tube of cardboard wrapped in fancy paper with twists at each end that two people pull on, and which makes a small popping explosive sound when it's pulled open and which then disgorges a paper crown, a small toy or trinket and an execrable joke. Christmas cracker - Wikipedia The other meaning is someone who is admirable or, more usually, very beautiful eg "She's a right cracker". So the pun here is that Dirk is a cracker in the sense of a good-looking man, but also he's a type of festive amusement which will give some pleasure when he is *ahem* pulled, which is (in case that's also not translating into US English) a euphemism, and hence a blue/rude joke.
I agree Your Honor!
The Christmas Cracker thing is unknown to me. But we do have what we call a "popper" which is a paper tube with a string on each side and when they are pulled they make a rather loud snapping sound, but no gift falls out. And we also have something like meaning #2. If something or someone is really good s/he/it can be called a "crackerjack" which I had always thought pointed to the boxed caramel corn and peanut treat of that name; but now I wonder. But especially among African Americans "Cracker" is a insult which is intended to be the equal of a white man using the "N" word.
The Christmas Cracker thing is unknown to me. But we do have what we call a "popper" which is a paper tube with a string on each side and when they are pulled they make a rather loud snapping sound, but no gift falls out. And we also have something like meaning #2. If something or someone is really good s/he/it can be called a "crackerjack" which I had always thought pointed to the boxed caramel corn and peanut treat of that name; but now I wonder. But especially among African Americans "Cracker" is a insult which is intended to be the equal of a white man using the "N" word.
Luiglin
Getting worse one day at a time
Cheers.
You got the theme with no problem, Luilgin, but for me there wasn't any sign of the SFF/speculative fiction genre in the story. I did wonder if Dirk was meant to be some kind of robot or even a wind-up toy, and if there had been some greater hint of that then I might have given the piece the benefit of the doubt, but as it was it failed for me at that first hurdle.
As far as the joke was concerned, to my mind the double entendre of the last line lost its doubleness by your putting the "cracker" in the title, not in the body of the story, which meant as a punchline for me it rather lost its impact and some of the humour -- the timing felt just that fraction off. Also, by making the Queen obviously lascivious, it stopped the story being like the lines which are naughty but played with a straight face in the Carry On films, into something like a lubricious Sid James-ish leer, which always gave me the creeps. So while it's an undeniably humorous line, for me the way it was delivered made it that bit too broad to be comfortable with.
Writing-wise only a few minor things struck me (and I really don't know why you would even think your story-telling and writing skills are in question!). First, there shouldn't be a comma in "present Dirk" as there's no pause there, and it's not the equivalent of eg "your present, Dirk" where a comma is needed. Second, you've got "he announced" at the beginning where Tinder is presenting Dirk so the "Tinder said" at the end is otiose. I imagine you put that in since you wanted "bowing aside" but for me that continuous past doesn't quite work, not least because it makes the whole sentence rather unwieldy in length.
As for your staying with the Challenges, please do continue entering. Personally I like your serious stuff more than the humorous pieces, but that's no different from my reaction to the funny stories other members put up, and humour is so terribly subjective you're never going to please everyone anyway. But even if I didn't shortlist them, the Dark Lord pieces invariably made me smile when I came to read them, and it's no small gift to be able to lighten people's hearts in that way. So Carry On Carrying On!
Cheers.
The title was a last second change. It had been 'Just what I've always wanted'. As to the unwieldy sentence I can't remember how many times I tried variants, none of which sounded quite right.
Cheers.
I've not heard the term 'cracker' used as a term of abuse in the UK since the 1970s. Also, I never realised that the States didn't have Xmas Crackers as such.
Cheers.
Nail on the proverbial head... as it were... cough... excuse me.
As an aside I can see where I didn't include enough elements to match a genre (ran out of words). The Queen, in all her... ahem... rampant glory is a minor character in the Dark Lord's stuff. I tried here to spare those fantasy references but obviously went too far.
Cheers all.
Appello
Well-Known Member
Late to this particular party (as usual), but just wanted to thank the @Parson for this particular heads-up, as I'm heading to the US for the first time soon and also had no idea that Christmas crackers weren't a thing there.
I think I will have to shelve my fun-fact anecdote about how bad jokes from the crackers are the best thing about Christmas back home
I think I will have to shelve my fun-fact anecdote about how bad jokes from the crackers are the best thing about Christmas back home
We do actually have Christmas crackers in the US, at least in some parts of the country, but they're only sold in a few stores (import stores like World Market and high-end department stores like Macy's), and probably most Americans who even come across them have no idea what they are and pass them by without a second glance. I don't know who buys them. Maybe Anglophiles and British expatriates. Or people who are fans of exported British books and TV shows, and/or love old Christmas traditions. (Which is to say, people like me.) I used to buy them sometimes when the children were younger. And now my sister always has them when she invites the family over for a pre-Christmas dinner.
I suspect that most Americans wouldn't have a clue what that story was about.
I suspect that most Americans wouldn't have a clue what that story was about.
I can confirm to Teresa's suspicion. I had no idea what a Christmas cracker was until I moved to the UK. I still find the hats and tiny card decks annoying!
Luiglin
Getting worse one day at a time
You've all missed out on a lifetime of growing up and groaning along to the bad jokes, of which there is a reason why.
Every Xmas Cracker contains a joke, and an awful one at that. Yet, this a deliberate act. For while not every person will 'get' a good joke, every person will 'get' a bad one. Thus no one is left out
Ah, so the US isn't the only country where the lowest common denominator rules.
No, but they’re the experts.
pH
pH
Joshua Jones
When all is said and done, all's quiet and boring.
It is the Democratic way to unify over the lowest common denominator while brazenly fighting to further lower that denominator...
The Big Peat
Darth Buddha
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2016
- Messages
- 3,760
Late to this particular party (as usual), but just wanted to thank the @Parson for this particular heads-up, as I'm heading to the US for the first time soon and also had no idea that Christmas crackers weren't a thing there.
I think I will have to shelve my fun-fact anecdote about how bad jokes from the crackers are the best thing about Christmas back home
Au contraire. The USA is the absolute best place to share that sort of joke, as its funny the first time when you say it and then sometimes funny the second time once you've explained the joke.
I say that as someone who's introduced a bunch of Americans to the hilarity of signs saying "Get your growler filled here".
Stable
Watching you from upside down
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2016
- Messages
- 422
I'd love some feedback on my last story please - in particular I decided recently that I need to improve writing conversations, so any advice on that front is especially appreciated. I was pleased to get a few mentions for this one, I know it could be read as preachy and no one likes that (apart from Parson's congregations I'm sure ).
Thanks in advance all!
“What in my own name is a hashtag, anyway?” demanded Zeus. Despite his apparent confusion his fingers inched closer to a lightning bolt.
“Stop avoiding the point,” said Themis, voice cracking. “There isn’t a goddess present who hasn’t felt your hands or worse.”
“I fought Typhon for you. I’m your king!”
“Touch any of us again,” said Demeter, “and I will cast you down myself.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
Zeus’ hand trembled, weaponless.
).Thanks in advance all!
Tweet Loud Enough The Gods Can Hear
“What in my own name is a hashtag, anyway?” demanded Zeus. Despite his apparent confusion his fingers inched closer to a lightning bolt.
“Stop avoiding the point,” said Themis, voice cracking. “There isn’t a goddess present who hasn’t felt your hands or worse.”
“I fought Typhon for you. I’m your king!”
“Touch any of us again,” said Demeter, “and I will cast you down myself.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
“Me too.”
Zeus’ hand trembled, weaponless.
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