Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I liked your story, @Stable, and short-listed it. I wasn’t sure about the relevance of the last sentence; I thought he was in trouble because his hands had wandered to something quite different from lightning bolts (his weapons).
 
I didn't understand "weaponless" at all. If I had, I might have shortlisted.
 
I assumed "weaponless" just meant he realised he had no way of fighting back.

I liked the entry and can't see how the "conversation" aspect could easily be improved. As far as "preachiness" goes, I had the same thought at first, but I came to like how the current issues were translated to the mythological situation from which (one might argue) they arose in the first place, given how the Greek pantheon seems to have promoted the male gods from their pre-existing roles at the expense of the female.

It was on my (never revealed, sorry) short-list.

If I'm being ultra picky, I'm not sure about "Despite his apparent confusion". It suggests that his confusion as to the nature of a hashtag would be expected to reduce his temper, but I'm not sure that holds. And actually, at whom is he planning to cast the bolt? I assumed it was to be a general display of divine displeasure, but it isn't clear.
 
I, liked this, Stable. It made my lists. This all references the MeToo movement, on Twitter, and confronting Zeus are goddesses he has harassed, and kept down by his power - his authority over them. Their confronting him en masse steals his thunder (or lightning), and without his ability to control them individually with threats and unwelcome physical domination - so, once his crimes have been exposed - he becomes powerless (like Weinstein); his hands are empty of power, now.

Your dialogue was good here, I think, in this setting. And the last line really worked for me. I think my one complaint is the first line. I interpret the first part of that first sentence as a kind of joke - instead of 'What in God's name...', we have 'What in my own name...'. My reading instincts on first encountering those opening words led me to expect a humorous piece, but the rest of the story was very serious. In such a short story - and I would be completely wrong here, if I misunderstood the opening - an abrupt change of mood like this might take a reader out of the story so much that they could miss some of the stronger elements of the entry. That's not to say that mood cannot be changed in a piece, but when you're telling a story with such a serious message, maybe one mood throughout might have worked better. And again, forgive me if I am wrong about those opening words being a kind of self-aware joke. But I really liked everything beyond that first sentence, well done, CC
 
In general, I liked this one - it's a clever combination of challenge theme and current events - but there were a couple of stumbling blocks (alluded to by others before me above) for me.

“What in my own name is a hashtag, anyway?” demanded Zeus. Despite his apparent confusion his fingers inched closer to a lightning bolt.
Click to expand...

I'd lose "Despite his apparent confusion" here. It's not necessary and it pushes me away from his POV, which is how I felt (maybe wrongly) the rest of the piece was written. I'd also lose 'anyway' and 'own', simply because they're extraneous and dilute the punch of the opening line a bit. Instead:
“What in my name is a hashtag?!” demanded Zeus. His fingers inched closer to the lightning bolt.
Click to expand...

To my mind, that has more immediacy and 'places' me better in the story - it gives me a sense of Zeus' confusion and alludes to his tendency to use violence to solve his problems, all without explicitly saying so - a case of 'show, don't tell', if you will. That's just me - your mileage may vary, of course.

I also didn't quite get the segue to the last line. I think I can see what you're getting at (lightning bolts aren't going to cut it?) but it wasn't quite clear. Maybe with the extra words cut from above it could have been made more explicit.
 
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I would agree with @Shyrka on the criticism side of this. I found nothing bad and a lot to like in the dialogue. But as to this:

Stable said:
I know it could be read as preachy and no one likes that (apart from Parson's congregations I'm sure ;)).
Click to expand...

Well, "Parson" has received more than a few objections to his preaching most of them having to do with a variety of "dumb it down." sigh! .... (But mostly very well reviewed. Parson says rather immodestly.)

I think preaching is overvalued in the short term (what one sermon does) and undervalued in the long term (how a person changes slowly over time by exposure to the gospel message). So I don't see preaching as a bad thing at all.
 
Thank you so much everyone. There's a lot for me to think about here, I find it humbling that the parts I thought were good or weak are so often seen the other way around by another reader! Lots to learn... ;)

To address the comments generally:
The first line was meant to be a bit humorous - in retrospect I can see how that affects the overall tone. I like the Shyrka edit, especially as it gives me extra words to clear up the end. Gods cursing in their own name is a bit of a divine comedy cliche and may be slightly lazy writing.
"weaponless" for me was in reference to the lightning bolt in the first paragraph - Zeus wants to fight his accusers with violence, but he doesn't dare take up his weapon. Suddenly he is the one without power.
@Parson That's a great point. Any one message isn't a silver bullet to change a mind, it's groundwork to make the world we want to see. <3

Thanks again!
 
It was a good story, Stable! I think the really cool thing about considering a story in such a way is that it builds a cumulative knowledge, and experience in writing, and story telling. The Shyrka Edit is terrific, and is really useful, I think, in helping to understand the value of every word, or even phrase, in a piece. Conciseness can be a wonderful thing for clarity, and impactful writing. Oy, forgive me - I'm a bit of a blowhard, and I really do go on sometimes. :) Just keep entering the challenges! CC

 
Ok people, this is my disqualified story up for feedback.
I (obviously) already know it's 77 words, stupidly miscounted.
Also it's not quite in the "Return to Earth" theme but almost.

Have at it as candid as you want. (please be aware that, thanks to my super stalking skills, I know where you all live and what you look like :D )




We can rebuild him, we have the technology.

He was injured in the invasion, while airships were raining hate; When the landings were over they found him, a musket had shattered his pate.

“We'll fasten his head with brass staples, he'll mend as good as new”; The remedy failed, his skull wouldn't knit, what else could they possibly do?

Now he lives the quiet life, his mouth is forever shut; under his jaw is a one inch bolt and over his brow is his nut
 
I wouldn't have voted for this story because I cannot see the connection to the theme, and I think the connection to the genre is iffy. I know you had a word problem but a mention of a steam powered blimp would have been enough for me. I might have gone something like:

He was injured in the invasion,
While steam blimps were raining hate
Returning to earth they found him
A musket had shattered his pate.


But it was humorous. It was also a very clever idea. The picture I get at the end is priceless; very cartoonish. I also think that putting the lines down like the poem they are would have been helpful. I was about in the second stanza when I went, Oh, this is a poem! If I were an editor, I would have thought: "Well, this has promise."
 
Thanks for this Parson.
I'm not really into steam-punk so I thought getting airships and muskets into one stanza was close enough.

I'll save it for possible changes, at some time you might see a variation of it in a challenge :)
 
From the reviews of my 75 worder for March I gather that it was a little difficult to understand. I always like to leave the reader with a little work to do but, it seems, this time maybe I overdid it.

The story was, in essence, the start of War of The Worlds II. The Martians returning to Earth for another go. The story that H. G. Wells forgot to write. The main clue, was the word ‘Inoculations’. Remember what it was that final defeated the first Martian invasion? The second clue was the title - From Red to Blue - from Mars to Earth. Other words such as gun and cylinder were included as extra pointers.

Anyway was it too obscure or just not liked? Or maybe off-theme?

It got a couple of mentions and a vote for which I'm thankful.


From Red to Blue

Steam rams hiss under the strain of making last minute adjustments to the targeting coordinates of the giant gun.

“Everything under control?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“No hitches?”

“No, Commander.”

“Not forgotten anything this time then?”

“Err... no, Commander.”

“Give me your checklist. Ah yes, here it is – ‘Inoculations’. Now, last time…”

The gun emits a deafening roar and a giant cloud of black smoke as it hurls a cylinder spaceward and beyond to the blue planet.
 
Speaking for myself, I completely and totally missed the illusions. In my defense I read War of the Worlds at least 5 decades ago. I did wonder if the big gun was a homage Jules Verne's A Trip to the Moon. And the inoculation thing had me thinking that they had failed the last time because of disease, but never made the necessary jump. --- But now that I know what was intended, the story is much, much, more interesting. I now think that story is very well done and a definite contender. My suggestion would be to be a little less (a lot less?) subtle. Perhaps a Title like "The Second Martian Invasion" would have been better. I read "From Red to Blue" as a political statement, which probably set up all the rest of the misunderstanding.
 
I, too, did not catch the reference, but I did figure out that the Red to Blue thing was Mars to Earth, which I thought clever. I just didn’t know how clever, since my War of the Worlds knowledge is too far under the cloud of lost memory.
 
I read it and got the Martian gun thing but they were speaking too good English to get the full connection.

Everybody knows aliens speak like American Indians in old westerns
 
@mosaix I didn't see that movie and such the reference wasn't functioning for me. Like @Parson I got the same reference from Jules Verne. The story stands on it's own, but it doesn't have the same meaning as you intended.
 
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