Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Peter V]

I would just like to say that I got it (reference my shortlisting) but that may be because I am an old codger. (I also thought it was a fine entry)

I often like to leave little Easter eggs in my tales but they rarely get spotted. I think mainly because the good folk have so many to read that if its not immediately obvious it is easily missed...

Back in April I wrote this under the theme of play, hobbies or other leisure activities. My entry got next to no love, which may be because its utter rubbish but certainly I don't think anyone actually got the hopefully humorous irony.


Demon Down Time

“What’s that?” Grayguts leans in close, sulphurous breath enough to make a demons eyes water.

“Art” Phlegmdrip grunts, dipping a talon into a freshly opened vein to add more red.

“What’s the point to it?”

“It’s relaxing.”

“Grayguts shrugs as he puts away his knitting. “Whatever floats your boat. Anyway, breaks over.”

Phlegmdrip sighs. “Back to work Vincent.” He drags his palette behind him by his one remaining ear. “Hot coals scheduled for this afternoon.”




Phlegmdrip likes to paint when he is not torturing souls and his paint is the blood of Van Gogh. If anyone is wondering why Van Gogh is in Hell... I believe suicide is a mortal sin. It all made sense to me

 

[mosaix]

Parson, TDZ, Danny, scapelius, TJ, thanks for the comments. You've pretty much confirmed my fears. Not sure what I could have done about it without a direct reference to the book and author and that goes against the grain. Show, don't tell and all that.

U.M. thanks again for the vote. Peter V thanks for the short listing.

Peter, I seem to remember I that I did get the reference to Van Gogh at the time but couldn't see the Hell connection.

 

[scarpelius]

It was first a book, one that is now out of copyright. It may even be available through Project Gutenberg... and indeed it is.

Yes i know the book, I've read it a very long time ago. But he said War of The Worlds II and upon search it turn out to be a movie. If someone else than H. G. Wells wrote a sequel to the original War of The Worlds, then is even obscure than the movie.

 

[Ursa major]

What mosaix said was:

the start of War of The Worlds II. The Martians returning to Earth for another go. The story that H. G. Wells forgot to write.

(my underlining)

You have simply assumed, based on no evidence, that it was based on a film or book with that title, when the explanation was already there in what mosaix wrote.

 

[Joshua Jones]

I would love some feedback on my story this month. I did get a decent amount of mentions, but no votes. I am hoping that the second sentence was understood to be descriptive, rather than presecriptive.

So, was this part of the problem, or was a victim to the incredible entries this month, or was it something else altogether?

Pretty When You Smile

Augustinia, abducted by airship Citadel 10 years prior, craved freedom. Yet, she followed pattern of countless women and smiled to survive. She grinned as they desecrated her; converting her into a clockwork soldier to slave in the boiler room, then later, pilot the smaller landing blimp

Smiling, she descended the commandeered landing blimp homeword as the Citadel'sboiler exploded, dropping the massive airship earthward. Training Augustina as a demolition expert would prove their last mistake.

 

[Graymalkin]

Mosaix. I got the WOTW reference on considering innoculations. I really liked the administrative/clerical voice. Very funny, satisfying reveal.
I voted for Transmission slip as it read longer and deeper than its words and touched the heart I think.
Loads of great stories all round. I didn't appreciate just how difficult 75 words could be. Hats off. Salutory exercise.

 

[Parson]

Phlegmdrip likes to paint when he is not torturing souls and his paint is the blood of Van Gogh. If anyone is wondering why Van Gogh is in Hell... I believe suicide is a mortal sin. It all made sense to me

I was unsure about the "Vincent" I considered Van Gogh, but it could have also been Grayguts first name. I thought first name more likely, because I saw PLhlegbmdrip as opening his own vein for the "pigment." I also thought it came short of being a story. It felt more like a piece of dialogue.

---- As to suicide being a mortal sin, Protestant theology never deemed it such, but many of its adherents used to, very few anymore IMO. I don't believe that the Roman Catholics do any longer either; at least at the priestly level. I recently attended a mass for a suicide which was (at least to my eyes) indistinguishable from a mass for a person who died of some other means.

Not sure what I could have done about it without a direct reference to the book and author and that goes against the grain. Show, don't tell and all that.

I wonder about that maxim, especially in a very short story. If you don't have context it is very easy for even a knowledgeable reader, and I would count everyone who regularly participates in this contest quite knowledgeable, to miss an allusion, or to draw a false one of their own. For example, my red vs. blue being political rather than referring to Mars and Earth. ---- The truth be told, I wonder about that maxim a lot anyway. I mostly operate in a quite different ball park bringing sermons with stories woven in, which I absolutely do not want misconstrued, so if I want my hearer to understand my point, I will take care to indicate what lesson I am aiming at with the story. A literary work is a different animal. But how different it is I am not sure.

Pretty When You Smile

There is a lot to like about your story! I can't find any particular barrier to my voting for it. The reason I didn't vote for it is that another story or two appealed to me more at this time. Keep up the good work.

 

[Danny McG]

I would love some feedback on my story this month. I did get a decent amount of mentions, but no votes. I am hoping that the second sentence was understood to be descriptive, rather than presecriptive.

So, was this part of the problem, or was a victim to the incredible entries this month, or was it something else altogether?

Pretty When You Smile

Augustinia, abducted by airship Citadel 10 years prior, craved freedom. Yet, she followed pattern of countless women and smiled to survive. She grinned as they desecrated her; converting her into a clockwork soldier to slave in the boiler room, then later, pilot the smaller landing blimp

Smiling, she descended the commandeered landing blimp homeword as the Citadel'sboiler exploded, dropping the massive airship earthward. Training Augustina as a demolition expert would prove their last mistake.

I enjoyed your story but, as you yourself said, it was a bit overshadowed by some of the awesome entries we had this month.
Don't give up, keep entering, and remember, some of the entries are from published authors but us "scribblers" often get more votes.

 

[Stable]

Pretty When You Smile

For me Joshua this felt a little tell-before-show. I thought your idea was interesting and on theme, but it was maybe a little too big to squeeze into 75 words. At the same time you could probably have cut the first sentence without damaging the story (YMMV), for example starting:

Augustinia followed [the] pattern of countless women and smiled to survive her abduction.

Would give you 9 more words to use elsewhere.

 

[Mr Orange]

@dannymcg, i liked your story, though probably not enough to vote for it. i think it would have worked much better if it was set out as a proper poem. i lost the rythm of it with the way you combined lines. mind you i reckon it would have got a vote or two

@mosaix, i absolutely, totally, completely missed the point and references of your story. to the point where i'm not even going to say what i thought it was about.

@Joshua Jones, your story had a sense of inevitability about it for me, and it seemed like a lot had been cut to trim the word count down. i felt it was too big for 75 words and didn't connect with it

and while i'm here... as mentioned in the discussion thread, i wanted to do a song, was going to do a sea shanty and that was a complete failure so settled on redoing Danny Boy. the stripey horse got my hopes up with a nice comment (and then went on and won the damn thing!), and i got a couple of votes for it so not unhappy, but it obviously didn't work for a few people.

Untitled

Oh Danny Boy, the ship, its pipes were calling
Black clouds of smoke and steam up in the sky
Our summer gone, and all the world was falling
I cried and watched you go, but I knew why

Please come ye back with news of new green meadows
For ours are dead, grey ash on snow
I’ll be here waiting in Empire’s shadow
Please save us, oh Danny Boy, we need you so

 

[Parson]

@Mr Orange .... Untitled worked as a song. I could hear the Irish tenor singing out the sad refrain. But it did not work as a story for me. I needed more context and an ending. It seemed to leave us longing with some hope but less than we had earlier.

It was really clever. I'm glad you went with "Danny Boy." I'm not sure I could have recognized a sea shanty.

 

[Mr Orange]

Thanks @Parson, it was meant to leave you hanging, one of those unsatisfying unfinished ending that leave you wondering, but I can see why that might not make it work as a complete story.

 

[Mr Orange]

So I missed the voting this month (issues with that while GMT time thing) but thought I'd get in early on this thread. I wasn't expecting my story to be a winner this month or even a vote getter, but I was hoping for a few more mentions.



Bunny goes to a Play


Toad thought it was funny
When poor little Bunny
Got confused
About which door to use,
When he wanted to visit the dunny.

Bunny was awfully tired
Of the comments, nasty and snide,
Because kids you see
She didn't just want to wee,
But to be who she felt deep inside.

So she bought a big Beretta
And wrote a suicide letter.
She took out ten,
All remember when
Bunny went nuts at the theatre

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Well, the scansion is just a bit off, but this story was in my shorter list, so I can't say it caused me too much grief. It's faintly possible that "perfect" poetry would have pushed it up to the vote, but I can't say that for sure. That chirping blue angel of death was pretty persuasive.

I particularly like "Because kids you see She didn't just want to wee, But to be who she felt deep inside." That is extremely powerful. I'd say you should make a children's book of this, but ... well, it might not be the best message.

 

[Mr Orange]

thanks @TheDustyZebra.

hmm, scansion.. that can be my word of the day. if i could'a had 100 words the poetry would have been more correct, but i had to chop out a bit which did mess with the rhythm.

my wife does keep telling me i need to write something for our daughter. it's a tough choice between something like this or her favourite story of mine of gran sliding down the hill on mushy feijoas...

Feijoa - Simple English Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Shyrka]

I had this one on my own provisional shortlist too but since I failed to vote, that's somewhat moot! I thought it was poignant and tackled difficult and relevant subjects head on. Ultimately it falls down on the awkwardness of the rhythm in places which forced me to re-read the lines multiple times. That sort of thing is very difficult to achieve without any restrictions so kudos to you for getting so close!

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers @Shyrka. i wouldn't normally do a 75 poem this long, but it needed a 3rd verse to finish off the story. which meant i definitely ran out of words.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

You wouldn't normally do a 75 poem in ... 75 words?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

So, to be a bit more helpful than "it was off", here's one possibility of what could have been done to make it scan better:

Syllables noted:

Original --

6 Toad thought it was funny
6 When poor little Bunny
3 Got confused
6 About which door to use,
10 When he wanted to visit the dunny.

8 Bunny was awfully tired
8 Of the comments, nasty and snide,
5 Because kids you see
7 She didn't just want to wee,
9 But to be who she felt deep inside.

8 So she bought a big Beretta
8 And wrote a suicide letter.
4 She took out ten,
5 All remember when
9 Bunny went nuts at the theatre


Adjusted --

6 Toad thought it was funny
6 When poor little Bunny
3 Got confused
6 About which door to use,
9 When he went to visit the dunny.

7 Bunny was getting tired
7 Of the comments, cruel and snide,
5 Because, kids, you see
7 She didn't just want to wee,
9 But to be who she felt deep inside.

7 So she bought a Beretta,
7 Wrote a suicide letter.
5 Bunny took out ten,
7 Everyone remembers when
9 Bunny went nuts at the theatre

 

[Mr Orange]

You wouldn't normally do a 75 poem in ... 75 words?

um.. well... yes. i was actuall referring to lines, not words. should have made that clear.

So, to be a bit more helpful than "it was off", here's one possibility of what could have been done to make it scan better:

cheers @TheDustyZebra for the rewrite. i'll be honest and say i don't agree with all of it, but some definitely makes it read better. also, writing it with syllables numbered is really useful - i think i will do this from now on.