Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[TheDustyZebra]

cheers @TheDustyZebra for the rewrite. i'll be honest and say i don't agree with all of it, but some definitely makes it read better. also, writing it with syllables numbered is really useful - i think i will do this from now on.

I don't necessarily agree with all of it either -- it was just a sort of demonstration.

 

[Luiglin]

Hi all,

I garnered a few mentions this month but not enough for a click of the old radio button. When I read the theme I immediately thought of Dance of the Seven Veils. Then with the weird genre attempted to twist that sensuous dance where the man knew it was an it rather than a she that danced for him and still cared not. Good, bad, ugly comments always welcome, cheers

The Dance

I sat transfixed, my entire universe bent upon the vision before me.

Its movements were languid, sensual, wearing layers of gossamer crimson silk that floated in rhythm and yet not.

A layer shed, then another and another; silk wafting away elsewhere, taking with them my tattered thoughts.

To leave the veil.

Too close, cloying scent, hot breath, eyes of abyssal fire, dark whispers. The veil peeled away as did my soul, and I cared not.

 

[Graymalkin]

Floated in rhythm and yet not was effective in conjuring an almost slow motion image of waves of floating material: ghostly.

Think I would have looked to vary word choice instead of repeating layer/s and another although another and another is rhythmic and lends itself to the idea of a dance. Aaaand ... I can't offer an alternative off the top of my head ☺

To leave the veil is meant to be the narrator's statement/thought? Isolated it interrupts flow without having a clear significance to me which is fine as my middle name is Mr. Ambiguous and I enjoy revisiting a piece to ponder.

The last paragraph intensifies nicely. Atmospheric. Strong.

 

[Stable]

Hey Luiglin,

Your was one of the top stories for me this month. Definitely Weird with a W to my aesthetics, and I loved the idea of the soul-shredding veil dance. Also you used a semicolon, those things intimidate the : out of me.

I wonder if you could have a more emotive description than "eyes of abyssal fire, dark whispers." The first part of that sentence is evocative, physical and uncomfortable, but flaming eyes and "dark" are more abstract.

 

[Stable]

I'll throw mine into the pot too. The first story I wrote for this challenge was about a venus flytrap dryad, I thought it wasn't Weird Fiction enough, so I tried again. The first paragraph feels awkward to me, but I wasn't sure how to clear that up.

Release

If only I’d never found the mossy shrine behind the waterfall. It wasn’t wet rocks that made me slip, but that malign will. It is too horrible to believe that I fell by mere chance, smearing blood across the altar.

This modern world is not equipped to stop them. What saint makes miracles today? Twisting flesh writhes at the edges of my vision. They won’t let me sleep.

Why won’t they let me sleep?

 

[Luiglin]

Floated in rhythm and yet not was effective in conjuring an almost slow motion image of waves of floating material: ghostly.

Think I would have looked to vary word choice instead of repeating layer/s and another although another and another is rhythmic and lends itself to the idea of a dance. Aaaand ... I can't offer an alternative off the top of my head ☺

To leave the veil is meant to be the narrator's statement/thought? Isolated it interrupts flow without having a clear significance to me which is fine as my middle name is Mr. Ambiguous and I enjoy revisiting a piece to ponder.

The last paragraph intensifies nicely. Atmospheric. Strong.

Cheers @Graymalkin, I hadn't spotted the layer/s repetition and should have been changed. "To leave the veil" - was meant to be descriptive and should had a comma or ellipsis - 'To leave , ... the veil. - unusual for me I often overuse punctuation.

Hey Luiglin,

Your was one of the top stories for me this month. Definitely Weird with a W to my aesthetics, and I loved the idea of the soul-shredding veil dance. Also you used a semicolon, those things intimidate the : out of me.

I wonder if you could have a more emotive description than "eyes of abyssal fire, dark whispers." The first part of that sentence is evocative, physical and uncomfortable, but flaming eyes and "dark" are more abstract.

Cheers @Stable that last line had me flummoxed for a bit. I wanted to try and evoke the uncomfortable proximity of the thing - the eyes part I was not really happy with but could not think of an alternative without exceeding the 75.

 

[Luiglin]

I'll throw mine into the pot too. The first story I wrote for this challenge was about a venus flytrap dryad, I thought it wasn't Weird Fiction enough, so I tried again. The first paragraph feels awkward to me, but I wasn't sure how to clear that up.

Release

If only I’d never found the mossy shrine behind the waterfall. It wasn’t wet rocks that made me slip, but that malign will. It is too horrible to believe that I fell by mere chance, smearing blood across the altar.

This modern world is not equipped to stop them. What saint makes miracles today? Twisting flesh writhes at the edges of my vision. They won’t let me sleep.

Why won’t they let me sleep?

Maybe in that first line you could have added doubt to the tellers own thoughts. Was it the wet rocks or something else that made me slip? - obviously better worded than that. Lovecraft always seemed to write doubt into his characters, like their minds were torn between believing and not believing, same with Stephen King.

The last three sentences are crackers

 

[The Judge]

Luiglin -- I liked yours which is why it appeared on my shortlist. I loved the use of language in the piece, and the repetition didn't worry me. Despite the "Its movements" I hadn't grasped that he knew it was an "it" not a "she" from the beginning, so I got a tiny bit confused by the last line, as he seemed to be seeing the horror before the final veil was ripped away, so at that point I wasn't sure what the veil actually was. Nonetheless, a good story as far as I was concerned and only just outside my top 3.

Stable -- I have to confess I couldn't fully work out what was going on here. I don't read Lovecraft, so I'm not au fait with the tropes of the genre, which is the main problem, I think. Coming at it blind I needed more help in seeing that the blood on the altar presumably awoke some creatures, but even when I'd got that, I couldn't grasp the significance of the saint/miracles line, nor why only he seems to be affected when it's the world in peril, and why the effect is only on his not-sleeping. Then for me the last line didn't add anything to the story or my understanding of it. Sorry for being so dense.

 

[Hugh]

I did consider both stories, and I think I understood them. The crunch for me was that neither gave my subjective gnat-brain the kind of visceral jolt needed to really get my teeth into them. However,they both definitely had the potential.

 

[Stable]

@The Judge It's never the reader's fault, only the author! I feel like if I was relying on tropes to make the story comprehensible I didn't do a good job.

Thanks for the comments so far all.

 

[Mr Orange]

@Luiglin i liked the language in yours but completely missed the "its" in my first read through, so missed your intended point. re-reading it now that makes it take on a completely different meaning it probably would now make my shortlist

@Stable, i'm afraid i just didn't get yours. and for me, 75 worders have to grab me on the first read or they don't get a second. tough in just 75 words i know.

i'll through my hat into the ring now. i wasn't really trying to get much into mine apart from the fact that the narrator (you) was the one beyond the veil. and the verse just happened. i also didn't really know how to approach the genre. comments and thoughts welcome.


Beyond


You creep down the hall,
Dark, dank and cold.
Floorboards creak,
Wind whistles,
Whispers in the air.

Shadows move, someone moans,
A waivering figure through the veil.
Your heart beats faster and faster,
A face, in rictus, a piercing shriek.

You scream back, in shock, and terror,
Hands over eyes, against the wall.
Hands that are pale. Cold. Indistinct.
Dark comprehension; you are beyond.

You sob, ethereal.
An answering scream.
Terrified.

 

[Graymalkin]

@Luiglin I made a nit picky observation on repetition in your entry which was unworthy and one I regret.

Having failed to even get a story in, I felt the urge to contribute something. It was my frustration at not getting an entry in on a genre that probably sums up my main area of interest

In truth, along with others I didn't shortlist, I think you effectively conveyed the spirit of founding weird - supernatural forces impinging on our dimension. The great choice of 'veil' played nicely into the ambiguity, uncertainty and hints of unusual powers existing outside our reality... the true state.

I agree genre 'accuracy' is less important than telling a good yarn but it's interesting to see different takes and I guess that's how edges remain (thankfully) blurred and we keep the petty, huffing pedantrists at bay. Go on I dare you. Yes - you with the almost exhausted eraser - (who ever wears out a rubber?) You who chew each mouthful the same number of times and arrange your smalls in terrifying regimen.

 

[Luiglin]

@Luiglin I made a nit picky observation on repetition in your entry which was unworthy and one I regret.

Having failed to even get a story in, I felt the urge to contribute something. It was my frustration at not getting an entry in on a genre that probably sums up my main area of interest

In truth, along with others I didn't shortlist, I think you effectively conveyed the spirit of founding weird - supernatural forces impinging on our dimension. The great choice of 'veil' played nicely into the ambiguity, uncertainty and hints of unusual powers existing outside our reality... the true state.

I agree genre 'accuracy' is less important than telling a good yarn but it's interesting to see different takes and I guess that's how edges remain (thankfully) blurred and we keep the petty, huffing pedantrists at bay. Go on I dare you. Yes - you with the almost exhausted eraser - (who ever wears out a rubber?) You who chew each mouthful the same number of times and arrange your smalls in terrifying regimen.

I certainly didn't take your comment as nitpicky. The repition was an error on my part and normally something I try and avoid. I hadn't spotted that one till you pointed it out so cheers for that

 

[Luiglin]

@Luiglin i liked the language in yours but completely missed the "its" in my first read through, so missed your intended point. re-reading it now that makes it take on a completely different meaning it probably would now make my shortlist

@Stable, i'm afraid i just didn't get yours. and for me, 75 worders have to grab me on the first read or they don't get a second. tough in just 75 words i know.

i'll through my hat into the ring now. i wasn't really trying to get much into mine apart from the fact that the narrator (you) was the one beyond the veil. and the verse just happened. i also didn't really know how to approach the genre. comments and thoughts welcome.


Beyond


You creep down the hall,
Dark, dank and cold.
Floorboards creak,
Wind whistles,
Whispers in the air.

Shadows move, someone moans,
A waivering figure through the veil.
Your heart beats faster and faster,
A face, in rictus, a piercing shriek.

You scream back, in shock, and terror,
Hands over eyes, against the wall.
Hands that are pale. Cold. Indistinct.
Dark comprehension; you are beyond.

You sob, ethereal.
An answering scream.
Terrified.

Cheers, seems a few missed the 'its' part so no problem. I should have possibly emphasised it more but that's always difficult in a 75

As to your own, I'm not that good with verse and applaud anyone who writes narrative verse - my attempts always sound like they should rhyme or have been written by a five year old.

I think for me though it was more like a ghost story than weird so just missed out on the theme. Other than that it was a fine entry.

 

[The Big Peat]

@Luiglin - I didn't look at it this month, but I'd have given your story consideration knowing what it was about. Whether I'd have done so having read it on its own first I don't know. I'm not sure its utterly clear in terms of what's going on (which is maybe appropriate for veil).

My only major criticism other than that would be the "To leave the veil" line, which I found jarring and very unclear.

@Stable - I don't really see a strong connection to the Veil theme, which doesn't help, but ultimately I get no "oomph" from it because too many things need explaining (how he got there; what happened; what happened after; why it's bad) and therefore there's never a sense of story for me, never a story of surprise or climax.

Personally, I think the idea would have worked better with the character going behind the waterfall, slipping, being unsure why, seeing blood on the altar, and horror starting there. Less to explain and more immediacy.

 

[Luiglin]

@Luiglin - I didn't look at it this month, but I'd have given your story consideration knowing what it was about. Whether I'd have done so having read it on its own first I don't know. I'm not sure its utterly clear in terms of what's going on (which is maybe appropriate for veil).

My only major criticism other than that would be the "To leave the veil" line, which I found jarring and very unclear.

@Stable - I don't really see a strong connection to the Veil theme, which doesn't help, but ultimately I get no "oomph" from it because too many things need explaining (how he got there; what happened; what happened after; why it's bad) and therefore there's never a sense of story for me, never a story of surprise or climax.

Personally, I think the idea would have worked better with the character going behind the waterfall, slipping, being unsure why, seeing blood on the altar, and horror starting there. Less to explain and more immediacy.

Cheers. I agree about the line, it needed punctuating. Either 'To leave, the veil' or 'To leave... the veil' I think reads better.

 

[M. Robert Gibson]

keep the petty, huffing pedantrists at bay

I think you'll find we prefer the word 'Pedants'

 

[Dave]

Gurge. You know you've played too much scrabble when the word 'gurges' appears in your writing.

I think I disagree with this sentiment. I love new words I haven't heard before. I like that in English there is a choice of 30 slightly different words that mean not quite the same thing. The only real opportunity to discover new words is by finding them in a story you are reading (unless you read dictionaries at bedtime - which really would be too much.)

 

[J Riff]

That's .... just .... splibble!

 

[Stable]

Looking back at The Big Peat's comment I wonder if I haven't left the same parts out this month - where from and where to. Maybe I need to put that on a postit. I was trying to imply the rest of the story though - that half of Jen hated her(self) enough to cut herself off, literally. Did that come through? Other thoughts and comments welcome of course.

All Right Now​

“Jen, you’re awake. Excellent. You may feel rather woozy. That’s normal.

“Now, to check everything is working please raise your hand. Good. Touch your mouth, your nose. Good. Blink your eye. Raise your foot. Great.

“I’m about to introduce you to your new twin. Your ‘better half’ as it were, haha. She would like you to see this as liberation rather than separation. She does. We left you all the memories she didn’t want.”