scarpelius
Well-Known Member
Obviously sirens are part of mythology so it fitted the theme. As it is, the story didn't sparked anything in my imagination to make it special. Also, there is no direct reference to the crew.
Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST
- Thread starter The Judge
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D3athw4lker -- yours was one of those in which I couldn't see any element of myth, so for me it failed the genre test.
As for the story itself, I didn't mind the plummeting/fell bit, and I parsed "without direction" as kind of swinging from side to side, ie directionless in a lateral sense, even if there was always a downwards direction, but I agree with mosaix that looked at logically it's a bit odd. I did have a problem with the dialogue, wondering who/what was saying it, though I think the lack of an actual speaker might have been remedied if you'd added something like "echoed in his mind" -- the ambiguity would still be there, but it would be more grounding in his experience and less you as author making a pronouncement, if that makes sense.
I stumbled a bit on the "He stopped falling" and I wonder if the passive "The falling ended" might have been better, since it makes it clearer it's something being done to him. I also stumbled on the "Reborn" not because it's abrupt, but because it looks like you've fallen into the same participial clause trap as Star-child -- as written it's the shadow that's reborn, whereas I assume you meant it was the man being reborn as a child, with his old shadow finding him again. (If you do mean it's his shadow being reborn, then where is the man?) And the very last line jarred. I can cope with the echo of the Anakin/Darth Vader poster, but I also saw (imagined?) a reference to Peter Pan with the "reattached" which to be honest rather spoiled things for me.
As for the title, I'm not musical, so though I assumed it was something to do with a head, it made no sense to me. Having looked it up, I see how clever it is as a title, indicating the repetitive nature of the experience. Unfortunately, that's always the risk you run with clever titles -- unless everyone has the same knowledge, it will go whooshing over some people's heads. In a case like this, though, I'd usually go for clever, and just hope others recognise it and pat themselves on the back. And though you can't explain the story in the Discussion thread, giving a hint about the title is perfectly fine eg "I'm just hoping there are enough musicians here who will get the title" which might also encourage others to look it up.
As for the story itself, I didn't mind the plummeting/fell bit, and I parsed "without direction" as kind of swinging from side to side, ie directionless in a lateral sense, even if there was always a downwards direction, but I agree with mosaix that looked at logically it's a bit odd. I did have a problem with the dialogue, wondering who/what was saying it, though I think the lack of an actual speaker might have been remedied if you'd added something like "echoed in his mind" -- the ambiguity would still be there, but it would be more grounding in his experience and less you as author making a pronouncement, if that makes sense.
I stumbled a bit on the "He stopped falling" and I wonder if the passive "The falling ended" might have been better, since it makes it clearer it's something being done to him. I also stumbled on the "Reborn" not because it's abrupt, but because it looks like you've fallen into the same participial clause trap as Star-child -- as written it's the shadow that's reborn, whereas I assume you meant it was the man being reborn as a child, with his old shadow finding him again. (If you do mean it's his shadow being reborn, then where is the man?) And the very last line jarred. I can cope with the echo of the Anakin/Darth Vader poster, but I also saw (imagined?) a reference to Peter Pan with the "reattached" which to be honest rather spoiled things for me.
As for the title, I'm not musical, so though I assumed it was something to do with a head, it made no sense to me. Having looked it up, I see how clever it is as a title, indicating the repetitive nature of the experience. Unfortunately, that's always the risk you run with clever titles -- unless everyone has the same knowledge, it will go whooshing over some people's heads. In a case like this, though, I'd usually go for clever, and just hope others recognise it and pat themselves on the back. And though you can't explain the story in the Discussion thread, giving a hint about the title is perfectly fine eg "I'm just hoping there are enough musicians here who will get the title" which might also encourage others to look it up.
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- 3,386
Hey, @Ian Fortytwo.
I liked your ideas for the story. They were good. I think the writing fell down a bit when it comes to clarity, and accuracy of usage. If I was an editor, and someone asked me to analyze this story, here is what I would write (forgive me, I am not trying to be harsh, but just honestly critiquing the piece; I would guess this is what writers have to go through when they are trying to get to a level where they can be published. Also, others here may not agree with my thoughts, of course.).
A Myth Can Kill
Title - you’re telling us a myth can kill, right off the bat, instead of gradually showing us this can be true, as the story develops. This title too clearly sets the stage for what we should expect, and honestly, this takes the hope for intrigue away from me, the reader.
The ancient ship…
This is a tell, too, and one that adds a touch of confusion to the piece, for me. It seems as though you’re telling the reader that here is a ship that would seem ancient to us, today’s reader. But what you’ve actually written is that the ship is ancient to its occupants. Do you see what I mean? If sailors from 100 BC were sailing a boat from their own era, the POV wouldn’t mention that it is an ancient ship; if sailors from 100 BC were sailing a ship from 500 BC, then perhaps it would be noted that, to the sailors themselves, the ship seems ancient (and if the mention of the fact that the ship is ancient is intended as a tell for your reader that the story is set long ago, then it’s a piece of information that should not be included in the story; show us in other ways...use, perhaps, sailing lingo/methods/names/locales/etc correct to the era the story is set in, to help us learn what is happening, and when).
The ancient ship was so close to the cliffs, that they were casting shadows across the deck. Yet they seemed totally unaware of their precarious position.
This seems to say, to me, that the cliffs seemed totally unaware of their precarious position. The cliffs seem the subject, especially with the use of ‘they’; the subject cannot be the ship, because it is an ‘it’. I know the 'they' was meant to be those people on the ship, but I think we need to have those folks mentioned - know a little of who they are - to care about their fate.
Suddenly one shadow appeared darker than the general backdrop. Also a high pitched wailing was heard coming from the depths of a cave.
I’d lose the adverbs ‘suddenly’ and ‘also’ here. They’re stage clues, and really take me out of the flow of the story. And it would save you two words; word choice can help the readability of a piece, but also can allow for extra words to be available for your story.
...the ship floundered on the rocks.
Word choice is so important. Flounder and founder are verbs similar in appearance, but it’s a more correct, and striking image, if a ship founders on rocks, rather than flounders.
The last line is quite good.
I tried to be thorough, hoping something I mentioned might be helpful. Really good ideas, but I think a story has to be nearly perfect in execution, as well as ideas, in the Writing Challenges, because there are always so many good entries each month. Keep writing, keep entering, okay?
edit to add a PS - I don't mean a story has to be nearly perfect to be entered, BTW. I just had a no listing/no vote month, and I've had a fair number over the years; it happens from time to time to just about all of us.
But for votes and listings, it really helps if a story is punchy at the beginning, punchy at the end, and has clarity from start to finish. Practice - entering Challenges - really does help with these things.
I liked your ideas for the story. They were good. I think the writing fell down a bit when it comes to clarity, and accuracy of usage. If I was an editor, and someone asked me to analyze this story, here is what I would write (forgive me, I am not trying to be harsh, but just honestly critiquing the piece; I would guess this is what writers have to go through when they are trying to get to a level where they can be published. Also, others here may not agree with my thoughts, of course.).
A Myth Can Kill
Title - you’re telling us a myth can kill, right off the bat, instead of gradually showing us this can be true, as the story develops. This title too clearly sets the stage for what we should expect, and honestly, this takes the hope for intrigue away from me, the reader.
The ancient ship…
This is a tell, too, and one that adds a touch of confusion to the piece, for me. It seems as though you’re telling the reader that here is a ship that would seem ancient to us, today’s reader. But what you’ve actually written is that the ship is ancient to its occupants. Do you see what I mean? If sailors from 100 BC were sailing a boat from their own era, the POV wouldn’t mention that it is an ancient ship; if sailors from 100 BC were sailing a ship from 500 BC, then perhaps it would be noted that, to the sailors themselves, the ship seems ancient (and if the mention of the fact that the ship is ancient is intended as a tell for your reader that the story is set long ago, then it’s a piece of information that should not be included in the story; show us in other ways...use, perhaps, sailing lingo/methods/names/locales/etc correct to the era the story is set in, to help us learn what is happening, and when).
The ancient ship was so close to the cliffs, that they were casting shadows across the deck. Yet they seemed totally unaware of their precarious position.
This seems to say, to me, that the cliffs seemed totally unaware of their precarious position. The cliffs seem the subject, especially with the use of ‘they’; the subject cannot be the ship, because it is an ‘it’. I know the 'they' was meant to be those people on the ship, but I think we need to have those folks mentioned - know a little of who they are - to care about their fate.
Suddenly one shadow appeared darker than the general backdrop. Also a high pitched wailing was heard coming from the depths of a cave.
I’d lose the adverbs ‘suddenly’ and ‘also’ here. They’re stage clues, and really take me out of the flow of the story. And it would save you two words; word choice can help the readability of a piece, but also can allow for extra words to be available for your story.
...the ship floundered on the rocks.
Word choice is so important. Flounder and founder are verbs similar in appearance, but it’s a more correct, and striking image, if a ship founders on rocks, rather than flounders.
The last line is quite good.
I tried to be thorough, hoping something I mentioned might be helpful. Really good ideas, but I think a story has to be nearly perfect in execution, as well as ideas, in the Writing Challenges, because there are always so many good entries each month. Keep writing, keep entering, okay?
edit to add a PS - I don't mean a story has to be nearly perfect to be entered, BTW. I just had a no listing/no vote month, and I've had a fair number over the years; it happens from time to time to just about all of us.
But for votes and listings, it really helps if a story is punchy at the beginning, punchy at the end, and has clarity from start to finish. Practice - entering Challenges - really does help with these things.
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Ian Fortytwo
A Poet, Writer and eclectic Reader.
Hey, @Ian Fortytwo.
I liked your ideas for the story. They were good. I think the writing fell down a bit when it comes to clarity, and accuracy of usage. If I was an editor, and someone asked me to analyze this story, here is what I would write (forgive me, I am not trying to be harsh, but just honestly critiquing the piece; I would guess this is what writers have to go through when they are trying to get to a level where they can be published. Also, others here may not agree with my thoughts, of course.).
A Myth Can Kill
Title - you’re telling us a myth can kill, right off the bat, instead of gradually showing us this can be true, as the story develops. This title too clearly sets the stage for what we should expect, and honestly, this takes the hope for intrigue away from me, the reader.
The ancient ship…
This is a tell, too, and one that adds a touch of confusion to the piece, for me. It seems as though you’re telling the reader that here is a ship that would seem ancient to us, today’s reader. But what you’ve actually written is that the ship is ancient to its occupants. Do you see what I mean? If sailors from 100 BC were sailing a boat from their own era, the POV wouldn’t mention that it is an ancient ship; if sailors from 100 BC were sailing a ship from 500 BC, then perhaps it would be noted that, to the sailors themselves, the ship seems ancient (and if the mention of the fact that the ship is ancient is intended as a tell for your reader that the story is set long ago, then it’s a piece of information that should not be included in the story; show us in other ways...use, perhaps, sailing lingo/methods/names/locales/etc correct to the era the story is set in, to help us learn what is happening, and when).
The ancient ship was so close to the cliffs, that they were casting shadows across the deck. Yet they seemed totally unaware of their precarious position.
This seems to say, to me, that the cliffs seemed totally unaware of their precarious position. The cliffs seem the subject, especially with the use of ‘they’; the subject cannot be the ship, because it is an ‘it’. I know the 'they' was meant to be those people on the ship, but I think we need to have those folks mentioned - know a little of who they are - to care about their fate.
Suddenly one shadow appeared darker than the general backdrop. Also a high pitched wailing was heard coming from the depths of a cave.
I’d lose the adverbs ‘suddenly’ and ‘also’ here. They’re stage clues, and really take me out of the flow of the story. And it would save you two words; word choice can help the readability of a piece, but also can allow for extra words to be available for your story.
...the ship floundered on the rocks.
Word choice is so important. Flounder and founder are verbs similar in appearance, but it’s a more correct, and striking image, if a ship founders on rocks, rather than flounders.
The last line is quite good.
I tried to be thorough, hoping something I mentioned might be helpful. Really good ideas, but I think a story has to be nearly perfect in execution, as well as ideas, in the Writing Challenges, because there are always so many good entries each month. Keep writing, keep entering, okay?
edit to add a PS - I don't mean a story has to be nearly perfect to be entered, BTW. I just had a no listing/no vote month, and I've had a fair number over the years; it happens from time to time to just about all of us.
But for votes and listings, it really helps if a story is punchy at the beginning, punchy at the end, and has clarity from start to finish. Practice - entering Challenges - really does help with these things.
Thank you. At 75 words I find it quite a challenge. I am never sure if my writing is eye catching. Each time I have a go I'm sure to get better at it. Thanks.
Ian, as you'd stated quite clearly with the title that myth was involved, the first line to me suggested Scylla and Charybdis, so I was waiting for the whirlpool and was rather mystified when the siren appeared, since there had been no real hint of sirens beforehand** -- they're charmers, not wailers -- and there's no indication you were trying to subvert the mythology around them. So notwithstanding the use of the word "myth" and a name-drop of a mythical creature, for me it was debatable if it qualified for the genre. I also wasn't convinced it hit the theme -- you talk about shadows, but they play no real part in the story, and could be removed without affecting it.
As a story itself, for my taste it didn't work. For me, there's no tension, no revelation, no new take on a subject, no characters, no actual plot -- the boat is sailing, perhaps under some compulsion which isn't properly explained, then it hits a rock, and that's it.
Writing-wise, I agree with CC. In particular, the "they/their" in the second sentence and the "them" in the third strictly refer to the cliffs -- clearly you mean the crew aboard the ship, but you've not mentioned them -- and "flounder" means flailing around, getting nowhere or getting stuck, so you needed "foundered" which in this context means breaks apart and sinks.
** I know it's arguable that the "Something was driving them onwards" is the result of the siren's call, but for me it's the wrong verb unless we actually see the men acting under the compulsion. Actually, I think that's the major problem I had with the story. Because the crew isn't shown with the men's fears and emotions, it's all very detached and remote, which reduces the chance of voters finding the necessary spark that triggers interest. (Just re-read scarpelius's comment and I see he made the same point but far more economically!)
As a story itself, for my taste it didn't work. For me, there's no tension, no revelation, no new take on a subject, no characters, no actual plot -- the boat is sailing, perhaps under some compulsion which isn't properly explained, then it hits a rock, and that's it.
Writing-wise, I agree with CC. In particular, the "they/their" in the second sentence and the "them" in the third strictly refer to the cliffs -- clearly you mean the crew aboard the ship, but you've not mentioned them -- and "flounder" means flailing around, getting nowhere or getting stuck, so you needed "foundered" which in this context means breaks apart and sinks.
** I know it's arguable that the "Something was driving them onwards" is the result of the siren's call, but for me it's the wrong verb unless we actually see the men acting under the compulsion. Actually, I think that's the major problem I had with the story. Because the crew isn't shown with the men's fears and emotions, it's all very detached and remote, which reduces the chance of voters finding the necessary spark that triggers interest. (Just re-read scarpelius's comment and I see he made the same point but far more economically!)
Mr Orange
Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb...
@D3athw4lker like others have said, I couldn't see the myth or fable in your story. i'd agree with all the other points made as well. also, it didn't feel like a full story to me. after you have explained it, I can see what you were getting at, but that wasn't clear to me in the story. maybe it should have started as the old man was born:
A boy was born, his shadow grey and vague. The boy grew into a man, living for himself, without care for those he hurt.
and then drop into the old man dying, cut out a bunch of the void part and have the story more focused on his shadow. Personally I think that would have made your meaning clearer. of course you'd also have to tie myth or fable in somehow. maybe make him a squirrel and throw a clear moral in at the end.
@Ian Fortytwo
I am really not sure what the shadow you are talking about is. or what is casting it. plus I thought sirens sang? i would have included the sirens song earlier somehow as it seems like you're being a bit of an unreliable narrator by not mentioning it if it is what is driving the crew towards the rocks.
A boy was born, his shadow grey and vague. The boy grew into a man, living for himself, without care for those he hurt.
and then drop into the old man dying, cut out a bunch of the void part and have the story more focused on his shadow. Personally I think that would have made your meaning clearer. of course you'd also have to tie myth or fable in somehow. maybe make him a squirrel and throw a clear moral in at the end.
@Ian Fortytwo
I think your story hits the myth by having the siren.
I agree with the points made by others re. the grammar etc. personally I did not get invested in the crew at all and felt more sorry for the ship getting destroyed. I found this line particularly jarring:Suddenly one shadow appeared darker than the general backdrop. Also a high pitched wailing was heard coming from the depths of a cave.
I am really not sure what the shadow you are talking about is. or what is casting it. plus I thought sirens sang? i would have included the sirens song earlier somehow as it seems like you're being a bit of an unreliable narrator by not mentioning it if it is what is driving the crew towards the rocks.
Mr Orange
Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb...
so I thought i'd throw my ditty up here for comment. first story in a while from me and as mentioned in discussion the limerick form came early on and then I had to try and shoehorn the story to the form. I got a vote which i'm pretty happy about but not too many mentions outside of that. I'm interested to know whether it was the form of the story that threw people off or theme, genre, etc. or maybe my mangling of the English language (based, incidentally on a modern English to Shakespearean English converter I found)! I realise that the moral of the fable was a bit vague but I just couldn't fit any more words
________________________________________________________
Stan
th’re wast a great killer named Stan.
a shadow, neith’r mistress n’r man.
‘e wast actually a cute bunny,
which folk did oft find funny,
with ‘is sword in ‘em up to the ‘and.
one day Stan lurk’d in the shade,
pond’ring the value of life by th’ blade.
then ‘is mark come along,
turned Stan’s ‘art with a song,
love o’ercame death; now they run a café.
________________________________________________________
Stan
th’re wast a great killer named Stan.
a shadow, neith’r mistress n’r man.
‘e wast actually a cute bunny,
which folk did oft find funny,
with ‘is sword in ‘em up to the ‘and.
one day Stan lurk’d in the shade,
pond’ring the value of life by th’ blade.
then ‘is mark come along,
turned Stan’s ‘art with a song,
love o’ercame death; now they run a café.
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- Joined
- Feb 10, 2018
- Messages
- 2,046
I've probably learnt more about the writing craft on these here Improving threads than I have from all the reference books I've read.
Long may they continue
Long may they continue
scarpelius
Well-Known Member
@Mr Orange for me the first was the versification instead of prose, then the "mangling of the English language ". I had to make conscious efforts to reconstruct the words, with a few of them completely missed (‘e wast actually ... then ‘is mark ... turned Stan’s ‘art ).
Mr Orange
Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb...
cheers for the feedback @scarpelius
so you don't like versification in the 75er's in general?
I did ponder (or pond'r) on whether I had tortured the language a bit much and thought it would count against me. but I decided I liked it how it was and posted it
so you don't like versification in the 75er's in general?
I did ponder (or pond'r) on whether I had tortured the language a bit much and thought it would count against me. but I decided I liked it how it was and posted it
@Ian Fortytwo --- Just because a story gets no votes or mentions (I don't if it got mentioned or not.) It does not mean that there was something necessarily "wrong with it." When each person only gets 1 vote and one story gets 10 them and another 3 get 10 of the 40 votes cast that only leaves 20 votes for the other 30 stories, so a lot of pretty good stories can miss votes. (That's what I tell myself when I fail, as I often do, to get any votes.)
As for your story (and I'm being picky as that's what this thread is about) I find the opening too passive. I think it needed an active voice. Maybe something like "The ancient ship drew dangerously close to the cliffs, but no sailor cared." (I'm sure you could do better than that.) I felt that the "casting shadows" in the first line was contrived and it made me think about the position of the sun, the length of the shadow, and the depth of the water. These questions are not probably what you had in mind.
In a 75 word story you need to keep adjectives and adverbs to a minimum. You might want to question "Suddenly" "Also" "than the general backdrop" "high pitched" "Only" and the like. This is why you want active verbs, let the reader see and feel rather than hear the modifiers.
This sentence in particular should be tightened and made more active. "Suddenly one shadow appeared darker than the general backdrop. Also a high pitched wailing was heard coming from the depths of a cave."
I also wonder if the idea of the siren should have made an earlier entrance in your story. When I read "A Myth Can Kill" as your title I thought that we were going to go down the trail of using mythical proverbs in your life in a deadly manner.
I like poems and have often voted for them, so at least by my lights there is no reason to avoid them in a 75. I thought your poem was cleverly conceived and executed. A couple things bothered me though. First, I understood in line 2 that Stan was a shadow, and then in line 3 I discover he's a bunny. Why call him a shadow if he's a bunny? You could have gotten the word shadow in (if that's what you were going for) by saying something like "Stan lurk'd in the shadow and the shade
pond'ring the value of life by th' blade"
I also would have liked to have known more about the "mark." Was it another bunny? a human? a songbird?
Finally, and I think most important for me, I found the last line to be out of step with the tone of poem. It was all moody, dark, and pondering (I liked that a lot!) and then came a light hearted ending. For me that just didn't work.
Mr Orange
Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb...
cheers for the feedback @Parson
Stan is a shadow in so much that people/bunnies can be shadows - it was a figurative description rather than a literal one (like "he was a shadowy figure"). admittedly the reference to shadow in that line was a late addition and I wasn't completely happy with it myself. I like what you did in your lines above.
the mark was actually a squirrel, however this got lost in the editing.
and that ending was actually purposeful. I was aiming for exactly what you got - a lighthearted twist/ending on a dark story. I guess maybe it wasn't executed as well as it could have been. i'll blame that on the editing too!
scarpelius
Well-Known Member
@Mr Orange Not necessarily, but versification is often lacking logic and the authors delve too easy into dream. It has to be brilliant to catch my vote, like Shyrka Lament was this month.
Also, as a reader I've always favored light hearth texts over the sophisticated, luscious approaches.
Also, as a reader I've always favored light hearth texts over the sophisticated, luscious approaches.
-I know, I know I vowed never to say anything about anyone else's versification, but it doesn't quite scan - and the only reasons to make either the scansion or the rhyming imperfect in a limerick are humouristic, (as with the young bard from Japan).
Otherwise, as either Homer or Le Fontaine would inform you, verse is the correct format for myth or fable, being more mnemonically rugged for a preliterate age. Still, "
Otherwise, as either Homer or Le Fontaine would inform you, verse is the correct format for myth or fable, being more mnemonically rugged for a preliterate age. Still, "
D3athw4lker
Druss enthusiast!
Thanks @The Judge and @Mr Orange for taking the time to share some pointers. Again, very useful suggestions which I'll be able to consider for future stories! Much appreciated!
Star-child
Science fiction fantasy
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2019
- Messages
- 479
Your comments and critique are welcome:
You Are Cordially Invited to Attend Timothy Sinclair's Ninth Birthday Picnic
Colonel Orsisa swallows his cake, “Hadthmeier, this buttercream is superb.”
The security chief nods; it was a fine party all around: Elegantly wrapped favors, an ice Mother Goose, guests in their picnic best.
Orsisa looks out across the lawn where the children played, “I take it the target was not in attendance?”
“Sadly, no.”
All the brightly dressed guests lie still on the ground; red now the predominant color.
“What a shame. A lovely event.”
You Are Cordially Invited to Attend Timothy Sinclair's Ninth Birthday Picnic
Colonel Orsisa swallows his cake, “Hadthmeier, this buttercream is superb.”
The security chief nods; it was a fine party all around: Elegantly wrapped favors, an ice Mother Goose, guests in their picnic best.
Orsisa looks out across the lawn where the children played, “I take it the target was not in attendance?”
“Sadly, no.”
All the brightly dressed guests lie still on the ground; red now the predominant color.
“What a shame. A lovely event.”
Elckerlyc
"Philosophy will clip an angel's wings."
I'm no expert when it comes to dissecting stories, parsing sentences or grammar in general (be it Dutch or English.) I just like writing
So, I don't see anything wrong with your story, technically, so to speak. It got 4 votes (including mine)!
But then, I didn't think there was anything wrong with my story, yet got no votes or mentions at all. So what do I know?
Voting has a lot to do with personal taste and the extent the story appeals to the voter. Looking at the dispersing (perhaps I should say scattering) of the caste votes, taste and personal criteria vary wildly among the chrons voters.
In other words, I see little or no ways to improve your story.
So, I don't see anything wrong with your story, technically, so to speak. It got 4 votes (including mine)!
But then, I didn't think there was anything wrong with my story, yet got no votes or mentions at all. So what do I know?
Voting has a lot to do with personal taste and the extent the story appeals to the voter. Looking at the dispersing (perhaps I should say scattering) of the caste votes, taste and personal criteria vary wildly among the chrons voters.
In other words, I see little or no ways to improve your story.
Star-child
Science fiction fantasy
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2019
- Messages
- 479
Your analysis, please:
Not Approved For Human Use
Matt pointed to movement in the vineyard, “There’s Arthur, on patrol.”
“How long’s he done that alone?”
“Seventy years? Probably hunting mice. Gramps said Arthur was normal, but all the Treatment dogs got a little strange after a century.”
Arthur arranged mulch and gazed at the house: Matt and a woman watched. Matt reminded him of Jeff, but losing another Jeff, Stacey, Nan or Leo was too sad, so he tended his ageless vines instead.
Not Approved For Human Use
Matt pointed to movement in the vineyard, “There’s Arthur, on patrol.”
“How long’s he done that alone?”
“Seventy years? Probably hunting mice. Gramps said Arthur was normal, but all the Treatment dogs got a little strange after a century.”
Arthur arranged mulch and gazed at the house: Matt and a woman watched. Matt reminded him of Jeff, but losing another Jeff, Stacey, Nan or Leo was too sad, so he tended his ageless vines instead.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help much. I really liked your story as should be obvious since I short listed it. In fact if I'd have picked a runner up your story would likely have been the choice. I understood it from the beginning. I thought it was well conceived. And it pulled at my heartstrings.
If I get really picky .... the line about "hunting mice" while being a dog was slightly off putting. --- Perhaps they do. We had a dog we most definitely killed dozens of rats on our farm, but don't believe he ever ate one. --- Also it seemed that the humans were not as attached to the immortal dog as you would expect from a more than lifelong member of the family. And why would they think he was hunting when he was tending vines if they were paying any attention to him at all.
If I get really picky .... the line about "hunting mice" while being a dog was slightly off putting. --- Perhaps they do. We had a dog we most definitely killed dozens of rats on our farm, but don't believe he ever ate one. --- Also it seemed that the humans were not as attached to the immortal dog as you would expect from a more than lifelong member of the family. And why would they think he was hunting when he was tending vines if they were paying any attention to him at all.
Star-child
Science fiction fantasy
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2019
- Messages
- 479
Thank you for your comments, Parson.
I think you're right - "chasing mice" would have been more appropo. The reason they think that's what's going on is his motions look like he's rooting around, and the people simply can't conceive of a dog developing a hobby of gardening (the longevity treatments and time had unforseen and largely discounted secondary effects).
Matt treats Arthur with respect, but Arthur has been distant all of Matt's life, so there isn't a deep well of affection. Matt's dead ancestors all had very close relationships with Arthur, but Arthur's perspective is now one of sustained loss as each generation died off so he keeps his emotional distance from Matt and other family, favoring the grape vines that can live for hundreds of years. (I chose grapes because of this, some dogs like to eat them and the fact that a winery could be a stable family owned place a dog could live on for generations.)
In 75 words, I struggled to make that generational change in Arthur's outlook and habits clear. But Matt doesn't understand Arthur and views him as the eccentric duty left to him by previous generations, like his grandfather Leo. Any suggestions on making all that relationship stuff or the story in general clearer are most welcome.
My main goal was to give a pet some agency and personal perspective without anthropomorphizing them.
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