Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Parson]

With all of the background you've provided I see much more depth to your story than what I'd imagined. Perhaps that's the problem? You were trying for way too much than could be encapsulated into 75 words. --- But for all that I thought it was a very nice story.

 

[Elckerlyc]

It does seem odd that after more than 70 years in the family Matt doesn't seem to know Arthur very well.
I would guess that it is Arthur who avoids humans and attachment by working full-time in the vineyard.
You could argue whether a dog after Treatment is still a dog if they can tend vines, arrange mulch and have sentient thoughts and decide not to get close anymore. Point me at the first human who would choose that path after a loss, 70 years long.

All in all it made me wonder whether the story was thought through enough.
Because I couldn't see much of a pet in Arthur, it did not make my shortlist.

 

[Star-child]

It does seem odd that after more than 70 years in the family Matt doesn't seem to know Arthur very well.
I would guess that it is Arthur who avoids humans and attachment by working full-time in the vineyard.
You could argue whether a dog after Treatment is still a dog if they can tend vines, arrange mulch and have sentient thoughts and decide not to get close anymore. Point me at the first human who would choose that path after a loss, 70 years long.

All in all it made me wonder whether the story was thought through enough.
Because I couldn't see much of a pet in Arthur, it did not make my shortlist.

Well, Arthur is legally a pet and used to act like a pet dog. Now he acts like an aloof pet cat.

I don't see his reaction to age and loss as human, but something that is particular to him being a dog - he doesn't learn to deal with loss, doesn't understand it, so he now simply avoids it by taking a more distant view of his keepers.

And to be clear, Arthur is around170 years old, having developed an eccentricity (patrolling) after his first century after treatment, and having been on the vineyard patrol for seventy years. Matt is in his 30s or 40s, probably has a living parent.

The relationship is probably most like sheppards that keep dogs that guard the sheep by living among them and not with the people.


Anyway, those details are sorta in the story, and served as a framework that I wrote the story in. Arthur was one of a handful of dogs that rich owners bought an expensive experimental treatment for. Word leaked out that it was effectively immortality, so the public put a stop to it before it was developed more or tested on people. Arthur is an artifact from that brief period. The woman is curious about Arthur - maybe writing an article.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I take back what I said. Maybe you have put to much thought in it. To cram all that in a 75-word frame is going to suffocate some part of it.

 

[Star-child]

I take back what I said. Maybe you have put to much thought in it. To cram all that in a 75-word frame is going to suffocate some part of it.

Probably, but a 75 word story is either a joke with a punchline, a bunch of exposition with little narrative, or an exercise in suggesting a large story by looking through a small window. I only see the last as something that can make me a better writer. But enough people liked the story that some of the world I was hinting about must have made itself known without just being a confusing mess.

Thanks, guys.

 

[Shyrka]

I have to say I pretty much got all of what you were trying to convey. I very much enjoyed it. I think I voted for it, even? It hit all the right notes for me - a bit of an emotional sting and a nice twist on a common concept.

 

[olive]

@Star-child Like @Shyrka , I loved that you turned a common concept the other way around. I love it when 'the human scale' of things is broken or turned around. I enjoyed it very much.

 

[Karn's Return]

Improving our 75 word stories:

For me to improve:

Step 1 - Do Not Participate In Romance-Based Entries.

Step 2 - ...

 

[DannMcGrew]

So, talk about in the eye of the beholder. This story has been interpreted by readers in two distinct ways. Chron members seem to fall in one category and plain folk in another. The former concentrate on the mermaid. The latter on the narrator.
I'd like to hear some detailed comments, please.


Boyhood Treasure Box

She sat on this very scallop shell, golden tresses falling nearly to her tail, and sang stories of the sea.
She said she was "new" and that's why she was so small.

I begged her to stay. She silently shook her head.
When I lowered the shell to the water a lisp of wave carried her away.

My fingers trace the fan’s furrows.
Were I to wander there again would she now be full-grown?

 

[The Judge]

I loved the story, Dann, as you know, and I definitely thought she was a mermaid! I have to confess I didn't understand the relevance of the title, so I imagine I did miss something you intended regarding the narrator and who he/she was, but even after several re-reads I'm still none the wiser. Unless it's to do with the bit in the last line about wandering "there"? I assumed that the "there" was wherever s/he found the shell, and since you hadn't told us where that was I marked the story down slightly, but is it the shell itself??

A couple of other tiny things. In the line "She said she was "new" and that's why she was so small" I read the "that's why" as her explanation, and so strictly that should be in past tense also ("that's" = that is, ie present) but on examining it again now I suppose it's arguable it's not her explanation but his deduction from what she said, so present tense might just be OK (and it didn't affect how I decided to vote). The other thing was "a lisp of a wave" -- is that a USism? I only know "lisp" as a minor speech impediment and I was confused how that related to a wave -- on the one hand I quite liked the feel of the expression, but it didn't stand up to examination when I tried to work it out, so I was rather torn about it, and because I kind of mentally stuttered with it I was taken out of the story a bit.

But a good story as far as I was concerned, and I loved the image of her in the shell like Botticelli's Venus, only with a tail!

 

[Elckerlyc]

Well, I suppose I must be plain and perhaps should reconsider being a Chron member!
We hear about the narrator's reveries about his memento from his treasure box about a mermaid who, as far as we know, could be a figment of his youthful imagination.

 

[DannMcGrew]

We hear about the narrator's reveries about his memento from his treasure box about a mermaid who, as far as we know, could be a figment of his youthful imagination.

Oh exactly what I meant to say, Elckerlyc.
Thank you.

 

[DannMcGrew]

@TheJudge Thank you for taking time to respond.
Thank you, Judge.

First the specifics. I went back and forth on "that's why" and the tense but avoided what I thought might be a word tangle in trying to use past tense -- "and that was why she was so small" didn't exactly feel right.
The "lisp of a wave" is not good, I agree. I was playing with it being a small wave not a roaring one and one making a sssssssssh sound.

My concept was just as Elckerlyc has stated it and place cannot really be defined.

What I wonder about is the mechanism by which I fail to bring half my readers into that concept.

 

[The Judge]

Ah, I didn't get it might have been all just youthful imagination -- clearly I wanted her to be real!

 

[Ursa major]

I did suspect that something fishy was going on....

 

[Hugh]

I liked the lack of certainty as to whether she was real or not.

 

[Elckerlyc]

... clearly I wanted her to be real!

So did I! And perhaps she is. But who's going to believe a kid when he/she claims to have seen and talked to a mermaid?

 

[Marvin]

Wisp of a wave perhaps. Doesn’t quite fit the definition when applied to water, but does imply a small something?

 

[DannMcGrew]

Wisp of a wave perhaps. Doesn’t quite fit the definition when applied to water, but does imply a small something?

That's better.... what would you think of "whisper of a wave" ?

 

[DannMcGrew]

That's better.... what would you think of "whisper of a wave" ?

Thanks