Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Elckerlyc]

What I wonder about is the mechanism by which I fail to bring half my readers into that concept.

It might be because the first two lines start with 'She.,' which seems to focus the story on the mermaid. So does line 4.
It's only in the 5th and 6th line that it becomes clear it are the narrator's reveries on his memento, which forces you to shift perspective.

I think I would have gone for 'ghost of a wave.'

 

[Marvin]

I like ghost!
I only proposed wisp, as possibly being the originally intended word, as opposed to lisp.

 

[DannMcGrew]

It might be because the first two lines start with 'She.,' which seems to focus the story on the mermaid. So does line 4.
It's only in the 5th and 6th line that it becomes clear it are the narrator's reveries on his memento, which forces you to shift perspective.

That's really helpful.
Perhaps without the strict contraints of 75 words I can introduce it a bit differently. something along the lines of:
I came upon my treasure box today...

Oh and I like ghost.

 

[Luiglin]

@DannMcGrew , I liked the tale but the theme, for me anyway, was not not defined enough within the 75. I assumed it was the scallop shell but apart from the title there was nothing it the tale that confirmed this. I've had issues like this before where the theme remains concrete in your own point of view but gets lost with editing.

Nicely written though

 

[paranoid marvin]

Dann, a beautiful entry. A couple of suggestions that may or may not help. I agree that 'lisp' could be changed. To keep it gentle and soft 'a whisper of a wave'? Also 'sang shanties of the sea' rather than 'stories' which kind of keeps it in relation to someone whose home is the sea. There's definitely something in there that suggests that the narrator thinks the (mermaid?) likes him, so changing 'She silently shook her head' to 'Smiling, she silently shook her head' may help?

The name of the piece suggests that the person who saw her was a child. Wondering if she is now full-grown assumes that time has passed; perhaps it may help to add something to suggest a passage of time such as 'Years later, my fingers trace the fan’s furrows.' Perhaps 'years later' could be improved upon and there are other options to suggest that the narrator is now an adult such as 'my roughened fingers'? or 'my 'worn fingers'?

As I said though, a beautiful tale and one to be proud of.

 

[AMB]

Also 'sang shanties of the sea' rather than 'stories' which kind of keeps it in relation to someone whose home is the sea.

Not all songs of the sea are shanties, and I wouldn't think a mermaid would be a big shanty singer.

 

[Parson]

I never expect to win these contests, and I'm always more than pleased with a vote or two. A mention or two is also very much appreciated. This month I got nothing, and I really thought I had a pretty good story that hit the theme and the genre on the head. I'm confused. Can anyone point me to where I went wrong in this story?

---------
The Making of a Night Owl

Creeeek.

There it was again.

“LIGHT ON!”

Light revealed nothing, …. Except,

Had there been a momentary dark cloud?

“Light off.”

Fifty-nine, sixty.

“LIGHT ON!”

Another puff?

“Marjory! Go to sleep!”

“Yesss, Mooom.”

Later, ears straining.

Creeeek.

“Who’s there?”

“Ha, ha, ha.”

“LIGHT ON!”

Clearly a puff. Wasn’t it? What was that smell?

-----

“Yes doctor, she’s real night owl. Claims there are demons in our house.”

That night.

Creeek.

“LIGHT ON!”

------

Insane? really?

Marjory knew better.

 

[The Judge]

I didn't take part this month's Challenge, Parson, and although I looked at some of the stories as they came in, I didn't get around to reading all of them, so I don't know what competition you faced for votes -- sometimes a story misses out not because of any lack of merit but simply because there are too many excellent stories.

However, I have to confess that on a quick read, its disjointed nature and lack of narrative meant I simply wasn't sure what was going on here and it took a couple more reads before I got it. I think. Marjory is a child who hears noises, so keeps ordering the light on so she can see what's making the noise, and she's convinced it's a demon because of the evil smell, but her mother has her checked out by the doctor who diagnoses insanity. That it? From the title, I assume this is making her a night owl because she's afraid of going to sleep, so she stays awake all night. If so, for me that doesn't hit the theme. To me a night owl is someone actively doing things at night, not just lying there ordering the lights on and off. Perhaps it's just a question of semantics, but for me if instead of "Making" it was "Birth of..." or "Origins of..." that would suggest it's a flashback, so then it would just fit, though a final line where it's 20 years on from her childhood showing her wholly living at night would put it beyond doubt.

I'm also not sure if it hits the genre. For me "weird" requires real weirdness, but when I checked out the genre definition in Wikipedia it seemed to require tentacles! So I'll leave that for some experts of the weird.

As for the story itself, I found some bits confusing eg the "puff". Was it a noise, or a puff of air or what? I tried to link it with the dark cloud, but couldn't be sure, and to my mind neither had any connection to the "Creeeek" which I assume is a creaking noise (and not an elongated stream... ) but which is never explained -- creaking floorboards or a door, the demon's joints as it moves, or is it actually sitting there saying "Creeeek"?? (By the by, I have a prejudice against using a word like "creak" as if it is the noise itself. That is "The door creaked open" or "It splashed into the water" are fine, but "Creak!" or "Splash!" on their own signifying the noises irritate me, so I invariably mark down stories that do this. Sorry!)

For me, also, the actual plot is a bit thin. There's not quite enough shown to justify her claim of a demon -- I see the laughing which is in bold type, which is presumably the demon, though no one else hears and she doesn't react any differently. Nor is there enough to justify her mother calling in the doctor. More importantly, nothing actually happens and things don't change even after the doctor's been. As a story it's all set up and no real pay off. There's also no emotion shown anywhere -- we don't know if she's frightened or curious or excited.

And to get all politically correct for a moment (which is very unlike me) it's a bit glib and nowadays insensitive to bandy words like "insane" as you've done. Her mother using the word, fearing Marjory is going insane through lack of sleep, would be OK, because an anxious parent is going to hyperbolise and use non-PC terms. But the way you've shown it suggests it's the doctor's diagnosis, and that's a wholly different matter.

So, it was an interesting idea, but for my taste it needs a bit of tweaking in the way it's told to give the story more weight and emotional heft. Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic.

 

[Parson]

Thanks @The Judge. You got everything in the story just right. Little girl, noise (I typed creeeeek to be pronounced like the sound), puff = cloud, ordering light on, mother, diagnosis everything. I guess part of what flummoxed me was that I thought I was finally "showing" and not "telling" what was going on.

As to "insane" the pc part of that totally escaped me. I did see the words in the daughter's thoughts and not the "actual" diagnosis but that was certainly not clear.

As to "weird" I was also flummoxed by that. As I said at the beginning of the discussion thread. In the end I took weird to mean something with monsters and because of "night owl," monsters at night. But night owl (unless there's a genre definition that I'm unaware of) has to mean someone who's awake at night, which as you say is what the girl turned into because of the demon that no one else could see or hear, but was nonetheless real.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond!

 

[sule]

I know this is from a while ago but I recently went back and revised one of my 75 Word Story entries and I was hopeful to get some feedback on it. The original entry didn't exactly light the world on fire and I doubt that any of you really remember it so I don't think it's realistic of me to ask for comparisons to the other version. I'm just looking for your thoughts on how this version feels to you, and what else I could do to make it work better.

Story of a Necklace

When Sir Ferrin gave Lady Kae the necklace, he said, "A token of my love."

Now its chain was broken where he'd torn it from her neck and red where his blood spattered off her dagger. The casing cracked after the horse bucked her into a stony ravine; the jewel lost in darkness during her flight.

Kae bartered the necklace for passage on a ship across the ocean. A new life, thanks to Ferrin's love.

 

[The Judge]

I went back and checked this against the original anyway, as although I recognised it, I couldn't recall what the theme and genre were, as they always play a part in how I vote.

Anyhow, this version does make the theme of memento clearer, and the romantic aspect, though for myself when fantasy is part of the genre, I like to see something that is patently fantastical not just ye olde folke with titles, odd names and a sword or two, so in neither case would this have met the genre for me. That, though, is easily mended eg if instead of a horse it had been a mythical beast bucking her off. This version is also better for her going aboard ship -- the hut of the original didn't make sense to me, since she'd be at the mercy of the landowner and what was she going to do to earn money to eat? Whereas the idea of making a new life in a new land overseas doesn't need quite the same explanation. I'm also glad you changed the sword for a dagger -- since a sword is hard to use in such a close struggle, first time round to my legalistic mind it implied she'd gone and fetched it and killed him in cold blood! -- though I'm not wholly convinced a woman of rank would have a dagger to hand like this.

However, where this version falls down for me is that I didn't understand it! By omitting the "jealously" here, you've lost the explanation for why all of a sudden he's being violent, so when I read this version I was lost as to what was going on and didn't twig until I re-read the original. To me, you'd have been better merging the two, so that we're shown it's Ferrin's gift, which isn't clear in the original (on reading it again, I remembered that first time round I assumed F was her husband and the necklace was given by someone else, hence the jealousy, so the last line didn't make sense to me) but show also that he is jealous, hence the assault on her.

As a matter of the story, for me you needed a tad more explanation of the plot. Is the jealousy justified? Why does he tear the necklace from her neck? Why does she -- presumably -- kill him? None of that would have taken long to deal with -- "insane jealousy" suggests it's not justified, the necklace is torn as he's tried to choke her with it, she's grabbed his dagger fearing for her life ie it's self-defence. I'm also less than impressed with her intelligence that she raced away without taking anything else of value with which to buy her freedom, and again a line that she left everything behind would have sorted that.

That sounds like a lot of extra words, and together it would add up, but it could be done if you culled superfluous words.

Nit-picking-wise a couple of things pulled me up:

• "spattered off her sword/dagger" -- the "off" reads badly and I think should be "from" but why spattered from the weapon as if she's waved it around afterwards? If it's only to make clear that she had a dagger and used it, I'd rethink the line.
• "The casing cracked" -- it's not clear if you intend "cracked" as a verb or adjective, since neither fits with other aspects of the sentence. Either "The casing was cracked ... ravine, the jewel lost" ("was lost" if you keep the semi-colon) or "The casing cracked when ... ravine; the jewel was lost"

So, not a bad piece by any means, and the idea that Ferrin's jealousy drives her away, but his former love saves her is excellent. But for me it needed a bit more work to polish it to reach shortlisting status.

Hope that helps!

 

[Joshua Jones]

And now, for the most important part of the challenge, at least for me. I wasn't expecting to win with this entry, but I was a little surprised I only received one mention (EDIT: 2 mentions!). I have a few ideas of what went wrong here, but I want to hear from anyone willing to share their thoughts before I give mine.

So, what faults do you see in this non-star of a story?

The Fault in Our Star.

This was… different. 1 and 2 burned light, 6 and 8 soothed, but this was shadow in my core.

26. My sisters called it Star Death. No cure. After a melancholy rotation, I considered my children. While my death was inevitable, perhaps their creatures could escape. I sent unheeded warning flares.

Finally, as my core succumbed to shadow, a small ship attempted escape. My heart leaped, then collapsed.

I’m sorry, little ones. It’s too late.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

This may have been too subtle for some readers. I believe I understood the meaning of the numbers

Spoiler

Elements produced during a star's evolution

but that may not have clear to some.

Other than that, I thought it was a good bit of anthropomorphism.

 

[Parson]

This may have been too subtle for some readers. I believe I understood the meaning of the numbers

Spoiler

Elements produced during a star's evolution

but that may not have clear to some.

Other than that, I thought it was a good bit of anthropomorphism.

Count me among those! I had thought of the key first part, but putting it in relationship to the second never occurred to me. I was trying to come up with a city's name directly from the clues.

 

[Stable]

1 and 2 burned light, 6 and 8 soothed, but this was shadow in my core.

26. My sisters called it Star Death.

I didn't feel that the use of numbers added anything to the story. It was pretty clear that you were

Spoiler

going by atomic numbers

, and I guessed correctly that 26 was

Spoiler

iron

(thanks high school), but the little puzzle there seemed irrelevant to the story about the star's life cycle. Sorry JJ!

 

[The Judge]

I really liked it, hence the shortlisting.

I missed the subtlety of it being the sun's life cycle, but I did click what the numbers were and how the final one at the core meant the sun's death, but I agree the numbers added nothing but mystery and confusion and the story would have been stronger without them. It's clear very quickly you're talking about the sun, so I don't see that anything would have been lost by using names not numbers, but even if you'd not wanted to be explicit early on -- which I can understand -- that could have been got around eg "the laughing gases" or something (only better than that, obviously), and I would definitely have used the phrase "iron entered my heart/soul" which would have been both clue and diversion.

I liked the unheeded flares, though I'd have put the flares first with unheeded coming after (though that would have added to word count) as otherwise there's a nuance that she designed the flares to be unheeded, and I loved the "heart leaped, then collapsed" (though being a Brit I'd have said "leapt"). But there's something about the last line which grated -- it's a little too sentimental for my taste, and also if the heart has collapsed, isn't she dead now, so how can she think her apology? Perhaps if she's still alive but rapidly cooling, that could have been used.

You did get an extra mark for the title, though -- I'm a sucker for allusions to Shakespearean quotations!

Anyhow, despite my cavils, this was a clever story which deserved more notice than it got -- I think the confusion arising from the use of the numbers might be to blame for that.

 

[Hugh]

I liked the last two lines, and I knew that there must be something worth reading in the story, but its meaning passed me by completely (easily done).

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

And now, for the most important part of the challenge, at least for me. I wasn't expecting to win with this entry, but I was a little surprised I only received one mention (EDIT: 2 mentions!). I have a few ideas of what went wrong here, but I want to hear from anyone willing to share their thoughts before I give mine.

So, what faults do you see in this non-star of a story?

The Fault in Our Star.

This was… different. 1 and 2 burned light, 6 and 8 soothed, but this was shadow in my core.

26. My sisters called it Star Death. No cure. After a melancholy rotation, I considered my children. While my death was inevitable, perhaps their creatures could escape. I sent unheeded warning flares.

Finally, as my core succumbed to shadow, a small ship attempted escape. My heart leaped, then collapsed.

I’m sorry, little ones. It’s too late.

See:-

For me, I like to read a story that doesn't need the research department of the British Library to help me understand what's going on.

So if I find myself reading a "75" word story that I know, else why would the writer write it, must have some deep inner thinking hidden therewithin. But that I just don't get. I just give it a pass.

Now @Perp Perv, was lucky. I already knew about the film "The Full Monty" and it's relationship to Anne of Cleaves so his story was OK.

Without that insight, his story would have been passed over.

Sorry folks, but that's the way I roll.

But I thought 1 and 2 were the first planets. I got the idea, but it would have made more sense to use the death as the creation of the elements at the price of the escapees.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Thanks everyone for the feedback (feel free to keep it coming!).

Yes, the intention was to depict an anthropomorphized star as she goes supernova. Sounds like this depiction was lost to some, so I should have made it a bit clearer.

Regarding the elemental numbers, my intention was not so much to obscure but as a result of asking myself how a star may consider the elements, and why should it use the arbitrary names we assign to them. It seems to me a star would identify them by something objective (the elemental number, the quantity of particles in the nucleus, etc) or by different names (like Star Death). So, my inclusion of the numbers was less about obscuring and more about consistency with the anthropomorphism. That said, I can definitely see how it was a gamble that didn't pay off story wise.

@The Judge, regarding the unheeded flares, I completely agree. The original read, "I sent warning flares. They were unheeded", but my original was also 153 words, so I had to cut a ton of material. Also included in these cuts was the more overt meaning of the ending; she was now a black hole (albeit a reluctant one), and if the creatures had managed to survive the supernova somehow, there was no longer any chance of escape.

And @TheEndIsNigh, I suspected that comment may have included mine... and I completely understand your perspective. Unfortunately, the choice I made regarding anthropomorphism necessitated such a consultation, and I couldn't find a way around it which didn't imply our naming system was a universal standard.

Again, thanks everyone for your excellent feedback! I can't wait to see what the next month's challenge will be!

 

[Parson]

@Joshua Jones .... I must confess to being slow on the uptake. My wife of 47 years has come to understand that hints are almost as transparent to me as lead. And I'm afraid that's what happened with this story.

I realized almost immediately that you were anthropomorphizing the sun. And I got that the people escaping were running from the immanent nova. For me it all came down to the numbers. I thought that they were some obscure shorthand that the sun was using to communicate. I never gave the periodic table or atomic weight a first thought, let alone a second. I think your story would have been much more effective if you had done away with the numbers and perhaps mentioned "my elemental iron heart" or some such as that.