Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Joshua Jones]

@Joshua Jones .... I must confess to being slow on the uptake. My wife of 47 years has come to understand that hints are almost as transparent to me as lead. And I'm afraid that's what happened with this story.

I realized almost immediately that you were anthropomorphizing the sun. And I got that the people escaping were running from the immanent nova. For me it all came down to the numbers. I thought that they were some obscure shorthand that the sun was using to communicate. I never gave the periodic table or atomic weight a first thought, let alone a second. I think your story would have been much more effective if you had done away with the numbers and perhaps mentioned "my elemental iron heart" or some such as that.

I think you, and others who said as much, are correct. When I wrote it thus, I couldn't escape the thought, "Why would a star use our terms?", but didn't consider that the star was using English to tell a story, so it really isn't that much of a stretch to convert...

And I think the part about subtle hints is a common malady... my wife has taken to opening Amazon windows on my phone's internet browser with items she wants...

 

[paranoid marvin]

I must admit to not understanding it . It's sometimes hard in 75 words, and anyway too much explanation can sometimes lose the effect you were intending.

 

[-K2-]

Question: Are contractions like 'you're, I'll, you'll, etc.' in dialogue considered one or two words?

Thanks for any response,

K2

 

[Joshua Jones]

Mods, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe any standard contraction is always considered one word, and they tend to be generous regarding non-standard ones, provided they aren't egregious (like, "wehadababyitsaboy". Bonus points if you have any idea what I'm referring to...).

 

[The Judge]

Yep, the usual contractions are one word -- so "shouldn't" and the like -- and that's the case both in dialogue and narrative.

For contractions which aren't standard we'd go into a huddle in the Staff Room and decide on them on an individual basis. I can't think what they were off the top of my head, but I know we have rejected some -- ie they were treated as two words.

 

[-K2-]

@Joshua Jones & @The Judge ; Ohhhh...thanks for that. NOW, I know everything I would have thought even typical contractions--except perhaps in dialogue where it's more a form of speech--would have been considered two words.

Thanks again!

K2

 

[Joshua Jones]

@Joshua Jones & @The Judge ; Ohhhh...thanks for that. NOW, I know everything I would have thought even typical contractions--except perhaps in dialogue where it's more a form of speech--would have been considered two words.

Thanks again!

K2

Glad I could assist in your pursuit of omniscience!

 

[Ambrose]

Knowing what thou knowest not, is, in a sense, omniscience. -- a Piet Hein grook.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Knowing what thou knowest not, is, in a sense, omniscience. -- a Piet Hein grook.

Indeed, and he who knows not and knows that he knows not knows more than he who knows not and knows not that he knows not.

 

[Parson]

Indeed, and he who knows not and knows that he knows not knows more than he who knows not and knows not that he knows not.

My head hurts!

 

[Joshua Jones]

My head hurts!

But you KNOW your head hurts...

 

[-K2-]

Indeed, and he who knows not and knows that he knows not knows more than he who knows not and knows not that he knows not.

K2

 

[Joshua Jones]

K2

Oh, Schultz... That brings back good memories...

 

[The Judge]

Er... guys. Going slightly off tangent on a thread for a post or two is OK, but let's rein it in now, please.

This is an Improving thread, so if someone wants feedback on a recent 75 worder, or wants to practise on an old one, wheel it on.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Er... guys. Going slightly off tangent on a thread for a post or two is OK, but let's rein it in now, please.

This is an Improving thread, so if someone wants feedback on a recent 75 worder, or wants to practise on an old one, wheel it on.

Absolutely, my apologies.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am always looking to improve, so I would welcome comments and critiques on my Oct. 2020 entry.

Wolf Evolved


“It is time,” rasped the head of the pack.

“Why now?” asked the beta.

“We cannot go down the path of our cousins, the canines. We now know and understand and Man is not our friend.”

The alpha wolf looked at the pups playing at his feet. His snout shot up, sniffing the air.

“Run!”

The smoke billowed in. Embers popped. The tree sap boiled. The pack tried to run. Too late.

 

[jd73]

I am always looking to improve, so I would welcome comments and critiques on my Oct. 2020 entry.

Wolf Evolved


“It is time,” rasped the head of the pack.

“Why now?” asked the beta.

“We cannot go down the path of our cousins, the canines. We now know and understand and Man is not our friend.”

The alpha wolf looked at the pups playing at his feet. His snout shot up, sniffing the air.

“Run!”

The smoke billowed in. Embers popped. The tree sap boiled. The pack tried to run. Too late.

For me, one of the issues I see with a lot of short pieces is people not changing style for the format. I like dense, lyrical words because you have to produce more intensity in less space, though I know some readers are not keen on overly ornate text and I agree that in longer stories it can get ovepowering. But I see people shy away from even tried-and-tested devices such as metaphors, favouring a more straight, as-is style, but to me it loses something of the flavour. Another thing is having the woah, the "punch", come at the end. In most cases, that's a logical place for it, but in short fiction, to my mind, I enjoy it when the story starts at the "unusual thing" and develops there. So here for example, try using that impactful last line, from "The smoke billowed" as a first, and see what comes. Watch also for filler words and phrases, eg 'tried to', 'know and understand', 'head of the pack', etc.

 

[Parson]

Hi Wayne,

Quite frankly your story was very hard for me to understand. My first problem was I saw this as a wolf story and I was flummoxed by the line: "“We cannot go down the path of our cousins, the canines. We now know and understand and Man is not our friend.” Adding to the confusion I believe that dogs were wolves which were domesticated, so another reason the line also did not make sense to me. The thought that they might be werewolves occured to me, but there were no hints that this was the case, and wouldn't being a werewolf give them some prejudice toward humans?

The next line that was difficult for me to comprehend was "The smoke billowed in. Embers popped. The tree sap boiled. The pack tried to run. Too late." ---- Okay, so there was a forest fire. What does that have to do with the rest of the story? Did the humans set it? That seems likely, but then the speed of the fire seems too much. And if they did: Why did they set it?

My guess is that you tried to get too much story into too few words. Usually when a person does that in a 75 the story is in their head, but because words are so precious they try to hint at the greater story. In my opinion there are not enough hints in this story for the readers (or at least this reader!) to pick up on what the story is really about.

But I had the sense that there was a really good story hidden from me.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

For me. the set up had no connection to the final line.

We have an intelligent sounding wolf, moaning on about not liking humans and then without any prior references they all get killed by fire. Yet somehow, we still get to hear the story even though there were no surviving members of the group.

Plus, dogs/wolves keen senses would have given them ample warning to stop belly-aching about how tough is was to be a wolf and get their skates on. Had you mentioned the pack was self isolating because of Covid, rather than because of their anti social nature, then that might have explained the lack of smell

As you know, I can be picky.

 

[Matchu]

For me. the set up had no connection to the final line.

Yes, I agree about the final line.

Also, a massive missing comma moment. But in the main I liked it - appreciated the economy of your language.

'Too late' is also unnecessary. [?] But then reading it a second, a third time, I'm missing a point, missing piece of jigsaw for the penny to drop idiom soup

It's frustrating for you. There's 'ways to go.' Take out [It is]/possibly have the second wolf respond physically. Bang, nail in the point. Image, image. Delete 'shot up' [?]...write toward <100, and submit to Drabble.

Apols if I'm writing Matlish.