Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[paranoid marvin]

DanielOwen,

Looking for feedback and suggestions. My primary concern is that the dialog flow does not feel smooth, but I am at a loss as to what to do better. I will acknowledge that this is all set up and no conclusion -- I'm not sure whether that means it constitutes a story or not.
-------

The Clone​

I sat next to Samuel Junior across the desk from the lawyer.

“That’s why it was made,” said the lawyer.

“But I have raised ‘it’ for twenty-three years, from a single cell.”

“You need the transplant,” he said. “It’s just a clone. A duplicate set of organs.”

“But he might die.”

“Do you want to live?”

I looked at my clone sitting beside me.

“Can I say no?” the clone asked.

“Will you say yes?”

To me it definitely constitutes a story. It's an interesting scenario, and reminds me a little of the movie The Island.

I can offer a couple of tips to reduce your word count which could be better used elsewhere, and a couple of things that may help with the flow of the story.

I sat beside Samuel Jr., across the desk from the surgeon.

To me this flows better and gives you an extra word. Would Jr. be better than Junior? And would he not be discussing a medical issue with a doctor or surgeon?

But I've raised ‘it’ for nineteen years, from a child.”

Abbreviation and a single word age gives you two more words. And how would he raise it from a cell? Surely from a child? Which would free up another word.

“You need the transplant,” I would consider changing to "But without a new heart you'll die". To emphasise the need for the transplant, and the imminent danger to his clone.

"It's just a clone; a duplicate set of organs" a semi colon or comma may be better than a full stop here?


I looked at my clone sitting beside me. “Can I say no?” the clone asked. Perhaps this could be more personal "Samuel raised his eyes to meet mine; "Can I say no?"

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Looking for feedback and suggestions. My primary concern is that the dialog flow does not feel smooth, but I am at a loss as to what to do better. I will acknowledge that this is all set up and no conclusion -- I'm not sure whether that means it constitutes a story or not.
-------

The Clone​

I sat next to Samuel Junior across the desk from the lawyer.

“That’s why it was made,” said the lawyer.

“But I have raised ‘it’ for twenty-three years, from a single cell.”

“You need the transplant,” he said. “It’s just a clone. A duplicate set of organs.”

“But he might die.”

“Do you want to live?”

I looked at my clone sitting beside me.

“Can I say no?” the clone asked.

“Will you say yes?”

Hi Wayne,

I think the idea is there, it just needs refining and clarifying what you're trying to say.

So you've got Sam, Sam Jr and the lawyer all sat at a desk, and they're discussing Sam Jr being used as parts for Sam, right? So, using the MICE quotient method, you're dealing with a question based narrative - namely a legal or ethical dilemma. From that I'm not sure which question is being asked:

is it -

a) is it ethical for Sam to use the clone for parts?
b) does the clone count as a person?
c) how does the clone feel about being used for parts?
d) Can Sam bear to kill someone he raised as a son for parts?
e) Does Sam have a legal right to kill / not to kill his clone?

At the moment it seems like you're asking all of them, and because of this the story seems a little unfocused and the dialogue doesn't always follow. I think you'd be better off tackling just one question or aspect and opening the story with it (explicitly or implicitly).

Other questions that I think would help clarity:

a) why they were talking to a lawyer and not a doctor or a biotech seller?
b) Sam Jr's attitude to being bred for parts is unclear - he seems to be suggesting he wants to die.

It might be a complete story depending on the question being asked - but, because this is unclear at present it's hard to say. Once you;ve resolved that central kernel I think you'll find the dialogue will flow more naturally.

 

[JS Wiig]

@Wayne Mack I thought it was an interesting exploration of an interesting topic, and an interesting take on the theme.

However the last line didn’t make sense to me, though I can be quite dense at times.

 

[Hugh]

It may seem curious that I'm asking for feedback on how to improve this story, given that it received a remarkable four votes and also given that I've never asked for feedback before, but I was frustrated in the writing of it and when I posted it, I resolved to ask for advice here as soon as the voting had finished. I've been very busy in the last week, hence the delay.

I'm interested in any thoughts others may have in how they think this story could be improved. I'm happy with the basic plot (essentially a metaphor for my ageing process), and it really doesn't matter to me whether people understood it or not: what I'd like is any ideas on how to have written it better.

Here it is:

My Dragon​

When I was six, a dragon lived at the end of the garden. Nobody else ever saw it and I never told anyone. It had wonderfully deep wise eyes and I loved looking into them.

Then school happened. I grew a thick skin and forgot about the dragon.

Now I’m almost seventy and shedding that skin, amazingly, the dragon has reappeared. It’d never gone away. It’s a great joy to look into those eyes again.

 

[Peter V]

Hi Hugh

It's a nice story and I do not see much wrong with it but I did have a go at writing it in my style to see if I would change anything.

To be honest it's the same story and hand on heart, probably not an improvement, just worded a little differently.



When I was six, a dragon lived at the end of my garden. Only I could see it, so I never told anyone. It had wonderful, deep, wise eyes you could lose yourself in.

The school happened, I grew a thick skin and stopped seeing him.

Now, almost seventy, I’m shedding that skin and my dragon is back. I don’t think he ever really went away.

I get such joy looking into those eyes again.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I think your entry was just right, Hugh - at least, it felt just right for my tastes. There was a real sense of sweetness to it, and innocence regained (or reawakened).

We're all victims of the 75 word limit, and as with many Challenge stories, a bit more detail/world-building could be accomplished with even ten more words (and had a few more words been available, fleshing out the middle paragraph just a bit might have been the one addition that could have added to this micro-fiction story). But recognizing this as a 75-word tale, I loved it and was more than happy with the story as it was told... I even voted for this one! Sorry if the writing was difficult, but the fruits of the labor were quite worthwhile, IMO.

Oh! @Hugh, I had one question... the times I read this, I took the most obvious (I think) interpretation: that this was a person grown old who'd reacquired the joy of living, and their childhood sense of wonder and innocence as they were entering the final years of their life. But I wondered, also, if it might not be an older person with the beginnings of some form of dementia. I know the reader's job is to interpret the story as best suits them, but does it give anything away if you were to explain which of my thoughts was more accurate? If so, please don't worry about answering, thanks, CC

 

[Hugh]

That's great @Peter V . Many thanks for going into this trouble. It's really very interesting indeed to see how you'd have written the story. I'm still mulling over the slight changes of emphasis: I definitely prefer your last sentence to my own. That was the particular sentence that frustrated me most.

And @Cat's Cradle , I was delighted with your vote, as I was with the others. However much I pretend that it really doesn't matter, that the story is reward enough, I still get really thrilled to get a vote. I did like the story myself very much of course - I just wondered if it could have been written more effectively. It didn't take me long at all to write, but once written I held onto it for a couple of days hoping to ease that sense of it needing a small change here or there, then felt I was getting caught up in over-thinking and posted it.
It was about my own experience of looking to shed the skin created by years of work so it was not intended to be about the beginnings of dementia, but you never know... (let's hope not)...

 

[The Judge]

Hugh, I also loved the story which is why it appeared on my shortlist. I definitely saw it as second childhood catching up with the narrator -- not the depths of dementia or senility, but perhaps moving towards it, and a slowing down, a focus on things close to home, perhaps also an openness and naivety that children and some old people have.

As to how it could have been better written, Peter has pretty much noticed the things that occurred to me -- "my garden" not "the"; "stopped seeing" rather than "forgot" to marry up with the beginning and end; "back" rather than "reappeared" which better suits the simple nature of the tale and child-like language; "I don't think" softening the never went away line and keeping it firmly in the narrator's voice; a fresh para for the final sentence to give extra emphasis; and that last line in the far more active and personal "I get" rather than "It's".

I'd have kept your "loved looking" into the eyes, as that better marries up with the last line. More importantly, I'd have made the dragon "him" (or "her"!) all the way through -- if you love someone, human or otherwise, you surely wouldn't use the deeply impersonal and objectifying "it"!

The only thing I'd have thought hard about if this were mine is the idea of the narrator's skin thickening as he grows up -- a metaphor around eyes would better fit with seeing the dragon, though off the top of my head I can't think of wording which would fit without sounding too literal.

I agree with CC that a bit more about how the narrator slowly loses the ability to see the dragon would have been good, but I'm not sure where you could have pruned to get enough extra words to make it worthwhile.

Anyhow, it was a good story, well deserving of its votes!

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I'm glad Peter V and TJ gave detailed thoughts on the actual writing... I was quite happy with the spirit of the story, and so my advice of 'leave it as it is' was a bit inadequate.

It was about my own experience of looking to shed the skin created by years of work

I'm happy too the story was a personal one, and that it was about what it most obviously seemed to be about. I admire that it wasn't cynical or sad. As TJ said, a worthy story, Hugh, CC

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hugh , this was a really strong , emotional story and made my (very short)shortlist. I agree with much of what the others have said, but here are my thoughts.

When I was little, a dragon lived at the bottom of our garden

Little may be better than a specific age, and bottom (for me) sounds better than 'end', and I prefer 'our' to 'my' (but both are better than 'the').


Then school happened. I grew a thick skin and he flew away/disappeared, or (my favourite) I stopped visiting him.

or as Peter V says 'stopped seeing him' rather than forgetting about him. Because the last paragraph describes seeing him again rather than remembering him.



Bu to be fair there is little wrong with your story. The use of 'my' and he/she for the dragon would definitely have helped, but the core of your story is strong. I would like to have worked in the development (and loss of) scales rather than skin to correlate more closely with a dragon, but this may be overthinking.

 

[paranoid marvin]

PS reminds me of 'Puff the Magic Dragon' a beautifully sad song; lovely memories of my childhood, so thanks for that.

 

[Mon0Zer0]

I admire that it wasn't cynical or sad.

Haha - on that note...erm... here's my sad one for some feedback which i'd greatly appreciate!

I'm interested to know if anyone understood the plot of this one. I think it might be a case of too many ideas for 75 words., and it was one I may have butchered to the point of unintelligibility - it could have easily (and did before cutting back) run into hundreds of words. It's hard to know if people get what you're trying to communicate, or if something is too obvious, overwrought etc..

Although the content is personal, I was also trying to experiment with efficiency of imagery - short sentences, impressionistic images and mood. Interested to know if this was evocative or just baffling.

Anyway, please do critique away!

Wannacry

Grey, mottled flesh, cool to the touch. Laboured breathing. An irregular beep. By now, my virus is devouring the internet like the prions in my father’s brain.

A squeezed hand. A rattle in response. The ward lights flicker.

Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time, impossible to reconcile with the fragile man before me. It’s the first time I’m truly here with him.

When the respirator blue screens, his absence lingers.

 

[Hugh]

Hugh, I also loved the story which is why it appeared on my shortlist. I definitely saw it as second childhood catching up with the narrator -- not the depths of dementia or senility, but perhaps moving towards it, and a slowing down, a focus on things close to home, perhaps also an openness and naivety that children and some old people have.

As to how it could have been better written, Peter has pretty much noticed the things that occurred to me -- "my garden" not "the"; "stopped seeing" rather than "forgot" to marry up with the beginning and end; "back" rather than "reappeared" which better suits the simple nature of the tale and child-like language; "I don't think" softening the never went away line and keeping it firmly in the narrator's voice; a fresh para for the final sentence to give extra emphasis; and that last line in the far more active and personal "I get" rather than "It's".

I'd have kept your "loved looking" into the eyes, as that better marries up with the last line. More importantly, I'd have made the dragon "him" (or "her"!) all the way through -- if you love someone, human or otherwise, you surely wouldn't use the deeply impersonal and objectifying "it"!

The only thing I'd have thought hard about if this were mine is the idea of the narrator's skin thickening as he grows up -- a metaphor around eyes would better fit with seeing the dragon, though off the top of my head I can't think of wording which would fit without sounding too literal.

I agree with CC that a bit more about how the narrator slowly loses the ability to see the dragon would have been good, but I'm not sure where you could have pruned to get enough extra words to make it worthwhile.

Anyhow, it was a good story, well deserving of its votes!

Well this is great!

Ever so many thanks @The Judge , @paranoid marvin and @Peter V (again) for these suggestions.

I have printed off your comments and will play around with them and see what happens. I'm looking forward to doing that.

Curiously, calling the dragon "it" is important to me and was chosen carefully, so it is interesting to hear others recommending he/she.

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Hugh, I liked your story as is. The only thing I might to suggest would be to add greater emphasis to the middle section and give more of a feeling of loss. That would require stealing some word count from the beginning and end. Such is the challenge of the 75 worders.

 

[The Judge]

Mon0Zer), as I noted when I shortlisted your story "I confess I'm not sure I understood it, but excellent writing triumphed" -- actually scrub that "I'm not sure" and make it "I'm pretty sure I don't understand it"...

I couldn't make up my mind if the narrator was a human son, an AI "son" created by the dying man, or a younger version of the dying man himself somehow there by means of time travel, as there were lines which I thought covered each eventuality and argued against the others. Although ambiguity can sometimes be a good thing, here to my mind it became obscurity which is rarely helpful. On reading it again now, I think the line "Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time" which caused me a good deal of confusion, might simply refer to a photo of the dying man, but I was taking it literally, and thinking this was the narrator! So to my mind, yes, there were probably too many ideas pushed into the story and you'd have been better off simplifying it, not least in making it clearer who the narrator was.

In my own writing I've found that if my initial draft is approaching 125 words then it's almost certainly not going to survive being pruned, as too much will be lost, and it's better to start afresh, so perhaps think again as to how you approach the stories if you need so many words. By the way, do you get anyone to read your pieces before posting? Having someone else's input as to intelligibility is essential in my view, and if there's no one among friends or family who can help out, look for a fellow Chronner here who might be prepared to act as a Challenge writing buddy.

However, as I noted, I was won over by the writing, particularly the compressed feel with the rapid short sentences. I didn't pick up any great mood of sadness if that was what you were trying to convey, since there was a lack of emotion in the writing that again pointed me towards an AI. It seemed to me the narrator wanted to be sad, but didn't know how, and the air was one almost of wistfulness, of being cognisant of a lack and being unable to remedy it. So evocative, but perhaps not as you intended!

 

[Wayne Mack]

@Mon0Zer0, I felt the basic story was well written and evocative. I was unclear about the inclusion of a reference to the Wannacry virus and felt that merely wasted word count that could have been used elsewhere.

 

[Karn's Return]

Do what I don't, and actually take time to think your entries out. XD

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Mon0Zer), as I noted when I shortlisted your story "I confess I'm not sure I understood it, but excellent writing triumphed" -- actually scrub that "I'm not sure" and make it "I'm pretty sure I don't understand it"...

I couldn't make up my mind if the narrator was a human son, an AI "son" created by the dying man, or a younger version of the dying man himself somehow there by means of time travel, as there were lines which I thought covered each eventuality and argued against the others. Although ambiguity can sometimes be a good thing, here to my mind it became obscurity which is rarely helpful. On reading it again now, I think the line "Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time" which caused me a good deal of confusion, might simply refer to a photo of the dying man, but I was taking it literally, and thinking this was the narrator! So to my mind, yes, there were probably too many ideas pushed into the story and you'd have been better off simplifying it, not least in making it clearer who the narrator was.

The "locked in time" was a line that was a hangover from a previous thread that was cut. Now, it refers to a photograph of the father, but I can see why it might be confusing - especially if the subject isn't clear.

However, as I noted, I was won over by the writing, particularly the compressed feel with the rapid short sentences. I didn't pick up any great mood of sadness if that was what you were trying to convey, since there was a lack of emotion in the writing that again pointed me towards an AI. It seemed to me the narrator wanted to be sad, but didn't know how, and the air was one almost of wistfulness, of being cognisant of a lack and being unable to remedy it. So evocative, but perhaps not as you intended!

I was trying to convey that feeling of shock and numbness when you first fully grok that someone has died or is about to die. The thing that strikes me when people recount traumatic or grief filled moments, little details stick in your mind. At first when he sees his dad, he's in denial - how can this person who he still sees in his minds eye as his eternal dad be so old and frail?

At this stage the son can't process his grief, but from just being in the room, all the historic antagonisms and things that once seemed important slip away and he becomes present in a way that he hasn't been before. Trying to express that in 75 words is probably too much though!

Sounding it out now - I can see how the reader might think it odd for a character to be shocked about the death of somebody who seems to have been ill for a while, though. Another legacy of a cut thread.

In my own writing I've found that if my initial draft is approaching 125 words then it's almost certainly not going to survive being pruned, as too much will be lost, and it's better to start afresh, so perhaps think again as to how you approach the stories if you need so many words. By the way, do you get anyone to read your pieces before posting? Having someone else's input as to intelligibility is essential in my view, and if there's no one among friends or family who can help out, look for a fellow Chronner here who might be prepared to act as a Challenge writing buddy.

Some great words of advice there - thanks. At the moment I haven't asked anyone to read pieces - but If anyone would like to do an exchange, please do feel free to PM me - happy to offer solicited thoughts in return!

 

[Bren G]

It may seem curious that I'm asking for feedback on how to improve this story, given that it received a remarkable four votes and also given that I've never asked for feedback before, but I was frustrated in the writing of it and when I posted it, I resolved to ask for advice here as soon as the voting had finished. I've been very busy in the last week, hence the delay.

I'm interested in any thoughts others may have in how they think this story could be improved. I'm happy with the basic plot (essentially a metaphor for my ageing process), and it really doesn't matter to me whether people understood it or not: what I'd like is any ideas on how to have written it better.

Here it is:

My Dragon​

When I was six, a dragon lived at the end of the garden. Nobody else ever saw it and I never told anyone. It had wonderfully deep wise eyes and I loved looking into them.

Then school happened. I grew a thick skin and forgot about the dragon.

Now I’m almost seventy and shedding that skin, amazingly, the dragon has reappeared. It’d never gone away. It’s a great joy to look into those eyes again.

Hi @Hugh. I recall reading this and it rang a pleasant chord with me to be sure. But I couldn't piece together the ending to be honest. Was he the dragon? Was the shedding of the skin literal? Or was it that life had made him conform and he lost the openness of youth that he regains as he presumably retires? I think that last line could be word smithed to remove ambiguity to hit people in their emotional centre.

 

[Bren G]

Haha - on that note...erm... here's my sad one for some feedback which i'd greatly appreciate!

I'm interested to know if anyone understood the plot of this one. I think it might be a case of too many ideas for 75 words., and it was one I may have butchered to the point of unintelligibility - it could have easily (and did before cutting back) run into hundreds of words. It's hard to know if people get what you're trying to communicate, or if something is too obvious, overwrought etc..

Although the content is personal, I was also trying to experiment with efficiency of imagery - short sentences, impressionistic images and mood. Interested to know if this was evocative or just baffling.

Anyway, please do critique away!

Wannacry

Grey, mottled flesh, cool to the touch. Laboured breathing. An irregular beep. By now, my virus is devouring the internet like the prions in my father’s brain.

A squeezed hand. A rattle in response. The ward lights flicker.

Beside his bed, a proud young man locked in time, impossible to reconcile with the fragile man before me. It’s the first time I’m truly here with him.

When the respirator blue screens, his absence lingers.

Hi @Mon0Zer0

I couldn't place myself in the story. I had picture the son holding his father's hand, and then the reference to the internet virus threw me. It seemed an abrupt shift in the narrative that I couldn't keep up with. I also didn't know what a prion was to be honest, and maybe that's just me, but using uncommon words also can throw people out of the story. Lastly, the young man locked in time was confusing. Was it the same person? It seem at first to be a change in POV from first person to third. I truly felt there was a deepness to your story that I wanted to be a part of but it slipped through my grasp. I really hope this helps.