Three-Legged Improv

[Christine Wheelwright]

"Put a roundabout there!" said the Mayor to his half-deaf public works man.
Even drew it on a napkin to clarify the plan.
But he ended up with an unskilled oil field worker run over by a van.

Laptop, Animal Welfare Officer, Time travel drama

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'I've been sent back by a laptop form the year 2076 to kill Cyril McGonigle', explained the naked bleeding stranger.

'That's the head of a Jack Russel under your arm, I'm going to report this.'

'Oh sorry, my mistake, I wasn't able to bring my glasses in the time machine.'

Scissors, Professional Darts Player, Rom-com

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

'I've been sent back by a laptop form the year 2076 to kill Cyril McGonigle', explained the naked bleeding stranger.

'That's the head of a Jack Russel under your arm, I'm going to report this.'

'Oh sorry, my mistake, I wasn't able to bring my glasses in the time machine.'

Scissors, Professional Darts Player, Rom-com

I love the idea that by 2076 laptops have become sentient beings capable of wishing their owners never existed. You know the kind of thing: "I have a brain the size of a planet and he uses me to watch porn!"

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Debbie put her head around the door of the Scissors and Sporran pub and said to the barman, "I'm on my way to meet Lord McSwindle at Highland Castle - can you direct me?"

"Ach, poor dear, he doesn't exist and you've been the victim of an Internet dating scam - fourth one we've had in here this week."

'Not again!' said Debbie to herself as she caught the eye of a man by the dartboard who looked like a 1990s Hugh Grant, but three times as big.


Can opener, Opinion pollster, Korean Netflix serial

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Can opener, Opinion pollster, Korean Netflix serial:

"Next, do you think the Government's handling of the lemming crisis has been a) exemplary, b) acceptable, c) unimpressive or d) abysmal?"

It was a long time before any of the boiler-suited contestants dared to speak. They just stood there, trembling, staring at the slow drip, drip, drip of blood from the cutting wheel of the pollster's can opener.

Hedgehog, burglar, Victorian romance.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Lord Todgerton flagged down the Hanson Cab and watched as it pulled up, squashing an unwitting hedgehog. Helping the young Governess Georgina into her seat, he caught the briefest glimpse of a shapely ankle and sensed an unusual but exciting disturbance in his trousers. Behind him the Artful Dodger, taking full advantage of the diversion, was extracting a wallet from his pocket.

Hub cap, master of ceremonies, heist movie

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'To the beat to the beat ya can't match me pace, we just fleeced the place, cops thought they'd a flytrap but all we left was a hubcap, robbed the place to the gills an I even sh*t in the tills'

'I can't believe we brought him, if we get stopped how are we gonna explain driving around at 3am in a van load of flatpack furniture with that dipstick running his mouth off.'

'MC Scuttermouth is the least of our worries, I just remembered we forgot to take the instructions.'

Dog collar, pharmacist, sports biopic

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

In 2060 the relatively new sport of competitive masochism was added to the Olympics. That year Ivor Sorebottom of Britain won gold after enduring 103 strokes of the paddle while wearing nothing but a dog collar and leash. Unfortunately he later received a two year ban for doping after he was seen buying Tylenol in a pharmacy.

Loudspeaker, chef, werewolf movie

 

[Alex The G and T]

Skweee... blatt,,,Crrrkkk...Skwree...Hello...hello...May I have your attention assistant sous chefs....
Due to a scheduling error, the Count de Money Crisco has scheduled a banquet on this night of the full moon.
Obviously, the menu must consist of raw meat and live animals; but we must also prepare suitable delicacies for the multitudinous members of the Ladies Auxiliary to the Tri-Manors Garden Club.

Glockenspiel, Heavy Metal Drummer, Documentary.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Documentary maker: Tell me about the tragic death of your original drummer during a live performance in 2021.

Scrunch (bass guitarist): Yeah, we warned him about electrifying his glockenspiel - I mean the whole thing is basically made of metal.

Flemmy (lead guitar and vocals): To be fair, it worked fine until we played our cover of Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter and he turned the volume dial up to eleven.

Exercise bike, tour guide, courtroom drama

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Your worship, might I direct the jury and it's comnumberants towards this copy of the 2009 Tour de France form guide, and page 20 in particular.'

'I'm going to allow that your middlerankingness, but on the provision you get that lad to stop pedaling like a lunatic in my courtroom.'

'With pleasure your worship, for his overzealous spinning of the exercise bike combined with the huge handprint on the stolen painting betray his real identity as the notorious sporting cheat/ art thief Lance Bighand.'

Spoon. Layabout. Space Opera.

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Spoon. Layabout. Space Opera:

As her pot of frugh reached the melting point of lead, X'theeeugh signalled impatiently for the ghokee spoon. Dressed in last decade's mouldy cocoon, slumped over the Bh'robh-Racing Post, her brutish middle-spouse K'thooorgh reached out a lazy pesudopod and flicked something through the air that looked a bit like a spoon, but really, really wasn't.

"Captain's log: the indigenous life forms are hostile, extremely large, and they now have hold of the ship...."

Bicycle, druid, dungeon.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

The Gargantoll strumbled, clangled, writhed and breathed fire; imprisoning him with a time travelling magician should have been a mistake.

'The deal was to release me from this cell druid, not turn up with random junk, what is this you brought?'

'Relax Garg, I found it bolted to the roof of a tavern in the future, so it has to be some sort of weapon; two wheels, a chain, bottom bracket and headset -I'm pretty sure it's all we need to blast our way out.'

Remote control, envelope salesman, superhero adventure

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

"So you see, Remarkable Man, one push of this button and my army of invincible robots will seize control of Megalopolis forever!"

"Not so fast, Doctor Ragnarok, for the salesman who sold you those pre-stamped envelopes was really Amazing Lad in disguise, and your payment to the Acme Robot Remote Control Company had insufficient postage, so your sinister device is out of warranty, and you know what that means!"

"Drat, the batteries are dead!"

_______________________________________________________________________________

Bank teller, bottle of champagne, social satire

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Twenty ...thirty ...forty euro, can I ask what it is for?'

'Ya think I'm buying drugs don't ya, you people are all the same -it's for champagne and lobster, not that you'd know anything about that -ya probably eat your meals out of a drawer to hide the grub from visitors.'

'What do you mean you people?, and for your information I ate a condor egg omelette for breakfast.'

angle grinder, folk singer, puppet show

 

[Zach777]

"Phylis, do tell me why you have all these folk singers tied up?"

Phylis raised the angle grinder into the air, facing the squirming man with a twisted glint across her eyes. "Well, Frank, where else am I supposed to get puppets for our puppet show?"

Lumberjack, Moon, Vertigo

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

"I'm sorry but we are going to have to close down your show," said the health and safety inspector to the puppeteer. "Your Walter the Workman puppet just doesn't have enough control of his angle grinder and we've had three complaints about injured children in the last week. And as for Colin the Singing Crossbowman, don't even get me started!"

Sun bed, insurance salesman, Hollywood awards show

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

"Phylis, do tell me why you have all these folk singers tied up?"

Phylis raised the angle grinder into the air, facing the squirming man with a twisted glint across her eyes. "Well, Frank, where else am I supposed to get puppets for our puppet show?"

Lumberjack, Moon, Vertigo

Damn, we both posted at a similar time. What are the odds?

 

[Zach777]

Darn coincidences lol. Funnily enough, when I wrote that I was thinking, what if someone posted at the same time?

But I suppose I'll continue with yours.

Igor sat on his sunbed, eyes wide with wondrous confusion as he held the glistening trophy in trembling hands.

How did he, an insurance salesman, win this? With a snicker to himself, he decided it might be best to accidentally barge into more Hollywood award shows.

Lumberjack, Moon, Vertigo

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Brigit Spondikle loved her job in the human resources department of lunar records, but today was not a good day.

'Look Mr. Montlanger, I think you got confused when you saw the word logs.'

'Not at all, I'm afraid of heights so I think I'm the perfect lumberjack for somewhere without trees -unless you know of a Bonzai forest that needs clearing.'

Wacker plate, grocer, Icelandic saga